another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------Ouch!

In the mountain backwoods one doesn't see too many people hang-gliding, that's fer sure.  But Ol' Zeke was the exception.  He saved up and bought hisself a hang-glider.  He took it to the highest mountain and prepared to take flight.  He took off running and reached the edge and.............................into the wind he went!

Meanwhile, Ma & Pa Abnabbitt were sittin' on their porch swingin', talkin' 'bout the good ol' days, when Ma spotted the biggest bird she had ever seen.

"Lookit the size of that bird, Pa!" she exclaimed.  Pa stood up, "Git my gun, Ma."

Ma ran inside and brought out his pump action shotgun.  He took careful aim, BANG......BANG.......BANG.......BANG!

The monster-sized bird continued to sail silently over the tree tops.  "I think ya missed him, Pa," she said.

"Well, mebbe so," he replied, "but at least the thing let go of ol' Zeke."

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Skipping history and birthdays, we are celebrating our Thanksgive today and gotta run. 

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------------not so at my house!

Warning Signs of Inferior Cooking------------

1.  Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.

2.  Someone broke a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

3.  Your family has a good idea what "Pease porridge hot in a pot nine days old" tastes like.

4.  When you son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.

5.  Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

6.  You wonder why you have to buy 50 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.

7.  Your kids get even with neighborhood bullies by inviting them to dinner.

8.  Your spouse refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

9.  No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purplish-green.

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Today-----Singer-songwriter Bruce Channel is 69, Singer Randy Newman is 66 and Late Show orchestra leader Paul Shaffer is 60.

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In 1520, Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan reached the Pacific Ocean after passing through the South American strait that now bears his name.

In 2001, Enron Corp. collapsed after would-be rescuer Dynegy Inc. backed out of an $8.4 billion deal to take it over.


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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------smart thinking.

Luke, a pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church.  Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the reverend had to ask, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"


Luke lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, pastor," he whispered.  "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day.  But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.  So, I figured that God is very busy and perhaps has forgotten about me, and I sure don't want to remind Him!"

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In 1864, a Colorado militia killed at least 150 peaceful Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.

In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island at age 43.

In 2001, George Harrison, the "quiet Beatle," died in Los Angeles following a battle with cancer; he was 58.

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Today------------------Actress Diane Ladd is 74, Composer-musician Chuck Mangione is 69 and Comedian Garry Shandling is 60.

AND--Vin Scully, the voice of the Los Angeles Dodgers for almost sixty years and still going strong is 82 (my hero).

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------------------groan, groan---

A botanist was trying to research some details about a particular type of bracken fern, so he sent a request to all his colleagues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.

Unfortunately, he didn't word his request very clearly, and all the botanists he'd contacted thought he was looking for details about all ferns, rather than just the one species.

So within just a few minutes, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of documents about all kinds of ferns -- tree ferns, wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns............. but nary a one about the particular type he wanted.

So, he sent another message to everyone:  "If it ain't bracken, don't fax it."

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In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemens----better known as Mark Twain-----was born in Florida, MO.

In 1874, British statesman Sir Winston Churchill was born at Blenheim Palace.

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Today-----Actor Efrem Zimbalist Jr. is 91, Actor Robert Guillaume is 82 and TV personality and producer Dick Clark is 80.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----Jo, I hope you don't get a message like this from Rudy------------

Some neighbors of mine were the recipients of a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift from an acquaintance they hardly knew.  As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted horrible.  It was so bad that my neighbors wasted no time double-bagging it before throwing it away.

Yet my neighbors, ever gracious and tactful, still felt obliged to send the acquaintance a note.  It read, "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie.  Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

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In 1913, the first drive-in automobile service station, built by Gulf Refining Co., opened in Pittsburgh.

In 1955, Rosa Parks, a black seamstress, refused to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus.  Mrs. Parks was arrested, sparking a yearlong boycott of the buses by blacks.

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Today----Actor/Director Woody Allen is 74, Golfer Lee Trevino is 70, Singer Diane Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 70 and Actress/Singer Bette Midler is 64 (Another one that we saw in concert a few years ago, and just like Tina Turner, dancing and singing like she was 20 years old).

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------Not the answer she was looking for!

"Mylah!" her mother scolded, "There were two cookies in the cupboard earlier this morning and now there is only one!  Do you have an explanation?"

"Well," Mylah replied, "It must have been too dark and I didn't see the other one."

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In 1804, Napoleon crowned himself Emperor of the French.

In 1927, Ford Motor Co. formally unveiled its second Model A automobile, the successor to its Model T.

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Today------Character Actor Bill Erwin is 95, Former Secretary of State Alexander Haig is 85, Actress Julie Harris is 84 and Actress Cathy Lee Crosby is 65.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------Sometimes it is better not to ask.

Melody Lynn spent some months on a mission serving God in Kenya.  On her final visit to a remote township, she attended a medical clinic.

As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies.  She wanted to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends when she arrived home.

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she could barely speak as she turned to her friend and asked, "Will you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"  Her friend looked at her and solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery, if you boil the water, you won't get dysentery------.

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In 1828, Andrew Jackson was elected President of the United States by the Electoral College.


In 1960, the musical "Camelot" opened on Broadway.

In 1979, 11 people were killed in a crush of fans at Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium, where The Who were performing.

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Today-------Country Singer Ferlin Huskey is 84, Singer Andy Williams is 82, Singer Jaye P. Morgan is 78 and Actress Mary Alice is 68.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------that'll teach him!

A little guy is sitting in a bar with a drink in front of him.  A big guy walks in, shoves the little guy aside, grabs his drink and downs it in one gulp.

The little guy says nothing, but a tear begins to roll down his cheek.  "Whatsamatter?"  the big guy sneers.

The little guy clears his throat and says, "I'm not having a good day  ..  first, I get a letter from the bank informing me that my house is being repossessed.  Next, my wife called me from out of town telling me that she's running away with my best friend.  Then, I get to work only to find that I've been laid off, and now, (sniff) now I come in here to end it all, and you barge in and drink all my poison.

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In 1619, settlers from Bristol, England, arrived at Berkeley Hundred in present-day Charles City County, VA., where they held a service thanking God for their safe arrival.  (Some suggest that this was America's true first Thanksgiving.)


In 1978, San Francisco got its first female mayor as City Supervisor Dianne Feinstein was named to replace the assassinated George Moscone.

In 1991, The original Pan American World Airways ceased operations.

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Today----Actress-singer Deanna Durbin is 88, Pop singer Freddie Cannon is 73, Actor-producer Max Baer Jr. is 72, and Actor Jeff Bridges is 60.  Oh yeah, Radio-TV personality Wink Martindale is 76.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------------------------ya get what ya pay for------

A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the screen.  He gets the attention of an usher and urgently whispers, "This is a mystery, and I love mysteries.  I absolutely have to watch a mystery close up where I can see well and hear clearly.  Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher does some maneuvering and manages to get him into the second row.  Without a word of thanks, the man rewards him with a quarter.  The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over and whispers to the man, "The wife's sister did it."

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In 1792, President George Washington was re-elected to a second term and John Adams was re-elected Vice President.

In 1848, President James K. Polk triggered the Gold Rush of '49 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.

In 1933, national Prohibition came to an end as Utah became the 35th state to ratify the 21st Amendment to the Constitution, repealing the 18th Amendment.

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Today-------Pop Singer Jim Messina is 62 and (can you believe it?) Singer Little Richard is 77.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------It's Sunday

Immediately following church services, Robbie told his parents he had to talk to the minister right away.  They agreed and the pastor greeted the family.  "Pastor," Robbie said, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Robbie, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I did and may I say I'm so glad you were listening.  But, tell me, do you have a question?"

"Well, would you come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

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In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument by setting an aluminum capstone atop the obelisk.

In 1969, a free concert by the Rolling Stones at the Altamont Speedway in Alameda County, CA., was marred by the deaths of four people including one who was stabbed by a Hell's Angel.

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Today----------Jazz Musician Dave Brubeck is 89 and Actress Jobeth Williams is 61

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Larryj