another slice of wry

[frawin]

This seemed like LarryJ humor, so I took the liberty of posting it here.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room-------the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"WHOA!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!

"

[larryJ]

Good one!  Feel free to post anything that's funny.

Today's------------------------------Rodney Dangerfield would say---I don't get no respect.

The three children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they, alone, would care for it, they got one.

They named it Danny.  Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding Danny, she located a new home for the little creature.

Surprisingly, the children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time-------------------we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "but he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that person, I insist that he must go."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm.  "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted, "go and get his cage."

Suddenly, with one voice and in tearful outrage, the children shouted, "Danny?  We thought you said Daddy!"

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Today------------Director Mike Nichols is 78, Country singer Stonewall Jackson is 77, Actress Sally Field is 63, Singer Glenn Frey (The Eagles) is 61 and California's First Lady Maria Shriver is 54.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------------------sounds familiar, might be a repeat, but here it is anyway.

Saturday morning, Ralph got up early, put on his long johns, dressed quietly, made his lunch, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with rain and the wind was  blowing 45 mph.  He pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio to the weather channel and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

Ralph went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.  There, he cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is really terrible."

Ralph's loving wife of 15 years replied, "Can you believe that my hard-headed husband is out fishing in that mess?"

There was an uncomfortable silence before she exclaimed, "HA! Gotcha!"

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Today--------Opera singer Dame Joan Sutherland is 83, Singer Johnny Rivers is 67, Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 66 and The Rev. Billy Graham is 91

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In 1893, the state of Colorado granted its women the right to vote.

In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented fourth term in office, defeating Thomas E. Dewey.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------------------so true!

The more I read of the shenanigans of politicians, judges and lawyers, the more I think the real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this:

Commandments of "Thou Shalt Not Steal" and "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shalt Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians creates a hostile work environment.

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Today----------------Actress June Havoc is 97, Singer Patti Page is 82, CBS newsman Morley Safer is 78 and Singer Bonnie Raitt is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------this one is definitely blond---no offense ladies.

A new employee calls the help desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just show stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are there to protect you," the help desk technician explains.  "For example, if someone were standing behind you, he or she wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Well, that may be," she says, "but they show up even when there isn't anyone standing behind me."

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Today------------Former Democratic vice-presidential candidate R. Sargent Shriver is 94. Baseball executive Whitey Herzog is 78, Baseball Hall of Famer Bob Gibson is 74 and "The Hulk" Lou Ferrigno is 58.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------------------this is for all you groaners.

Justin worked as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years.  One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines, and Justin was very excited and asked the manager if he could transfer and work the juice machines.

The manager said no.

Justin countered, "But, Sir, I've been working here for five years..............Why can't I operate the juice machine?"

The manager replied, "I'm sorry, but rules are rules  ----   you know baggers can't be juicers."

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In 1775, (this is for you, Jarhead), The U.S. Marines were organized under authority of the Continental Congress.

In  1954, the U.S. Marine Corps Memorial depicting the raising of the American flag on Iwo Jima in 1945, was dedicated by President Dwight D. Eisenhower in Arlington, Va.

In 1969, the children's educational program "Sesame Street" made its debut on National Educational Television (later PBS

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Today-----Actor Russell Johnson is 85, Actor Albert Hall is 72 and Singer Donna Fargo (former teacher at our local high school) is 68.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------------No dinner for this guy tonight.

After awakening one morning, a woman told her husband, "I just had a wonderful dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace.  What do you think that means?"

"Hmm," the husband said, thinking.  "By golly, you'll know tonight," he said with a big smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day, and barely could wait for her husband to return home.

Finally the man came home carrying a small package.  With a twinkle in his eyes, he presented it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly only to find a book titled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

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In 1620, 41 Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower anchored of f Massachusetts, signed a compact calling for a "body politik."

In 1918, fighting in World War 1 came to an end with the signing of an armistice between the Allies and Germany.

In 1921, the remains of an unidentified American service member were interred in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

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Today--------Comedian Jonathon Winters is 84, Actress Bibi Andersson is 74 and our own CA Senator Barbara Boxer is 69.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------another groaner!

A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me?  I think I'm a moth."

Tina, the receptionist, says, "Excuse me, but you don't need a Dentist, you need a psychiatrist."

Man:  "Yes, I know."

Tina:  "So, why did you come in here?"

Man:  "The light was on..................."

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In 1942, the World War II naval Battle of Guadalcanal began.  (The Allies ended up winning a major victory over the Japanese.)

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Today---------R&B singer Ruby Nash Curtis (Ruby and the Romantics) is 70, Rock musician Booker T Jones (Booker T. and the MGs is 65, Sportscaster Al Michaels is 65 and Singer-songwriter Neil Young is 64.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street.

He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd and yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE!"

Out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age.

Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest.. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay.

He kneels down, leans over the prostrate man and says in a solemn voice: B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72.

[larryJ]

  I like that one, Judy!

Today's-----------------------------A little sarcasm here.

Quentin gets set up on a blind date, and to make a good impression, he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant.

After being seated, the lady orders extensively from the appetizer list.  Quentin is surprised.  When the waiter is at hand, the lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price.  Quentin is shocked at the quantity, much less the cost.

She pauses and looks across at him, then asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"

"Well, my dear,"  Quentin says, sighing, "perhaps the Mississippi River would be a good start."

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In 1789, Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter to a friend, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain except for death and taxes."

In 1956, The U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public, city and state buses.

In 1982, The Vietnam Veterans Memorial was dedicated on the National Mall in Washington.

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Larryj