another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------Happy Thanksgiving....fun things to do.....

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

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Today is Thursday, November 27, the 331st day of the year.  There are 34 days left in the year.

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In 1868, without bothering to identify the identity of a Cheyenne Indian village, Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer led an early morning attack on the band of peaceful Indians, who were not involved with raids into Kansas and Oklahoma.

In 1924, Macy's first Thanksgiving Day parade  -- billed as a "Christmas Parade" -- took place in New York.

In 1953, Playwright Eugene O'Neill died in Boston at age 65.

In 1962, the first Boeing 727 was rolled out at the company's Renton Plant.

In 1978, Former Board of Supervisors member Dan White murdered Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk at City Hall in San Francisco.

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Today---Academy Ward-winning director Kathryn Bigelow is 63 and Actor Curtis Armstrong is 61.

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November 27th is:  National Day Of Mourning, Turkey-free Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving Day.

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Quip for the day......The first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.

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A bit of trivia.....In Chase County, Kansas, there is a one mile notch on the Southwest corner adjoining Marion County.  A murder had occurred and Marion County didn't want to have the trial so a section one mile wide and eighteen miles long was ceded to Chase County to ensure the murder had occurred there.
(working on exactly what happened, but no luck so far.)

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You know you're in Kansas when you can't see the other end of the wheat field.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---football weekend.......

The football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured. The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to do."

"On first down, run it to the left. On second down, run it to the right. On third down run it up the middle. The, on fourth down, punt it as far as you can punt it. "OK coach!" said the quarterback.

On first down he ran it to the left for 30 yards. On second down he ran it to the right for 40 more. On third down he ran it up the middle down to the one yard line. Then, on 4th down, the quarterback dropped back and punted the ball right out of the end zone.

When he got to the sideline, the coach was screaming! "What were you thinking?!!!?!!!"

The quarterback replied, "I was thinking I must be playing for the dumbest coach in the world."

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Today is Friday, November 28, the 332nd day of the year.  There are 33 days left in the year.

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In 1895, piloting a gas-powered "horseless carriage," Frank Duryea won the first motor car race in the U.S.

In 1925, The Grand Ole Opry began broadcasting from Nashville, Tennessee.

In 1964, the United States launched the space probe Mariner 4 on a course toward Mars, which it flew past in July 1965, sending back pictures of the Red Planet.

In 1964, the Shangri-Las scored a #1 hit with "Leader Of The Pack."

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Today-----Music Executive Barry Gordy Jr. is 85, Author Avery Corman is 79, Football player Paul Warfield is 72, Musician-composer Paul Shaffer is 65, Actor Ed Harris is 64, Former NASA Teacher In Space Barbara Morgan is 63 and Actress S. Epatha Merkerson is 62.

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November 28th is:  Black Friday, Fur Free Friday, Buy Nothing Day, Flossing Day, Maize Day, National Day Of Listening, National Native American Heritage Day, Sinkie, or Sink Day and You're Welcomegiving Day.

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Quip for the day......I'm always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch on fire.

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A bit of trivia....Kansas has the largest population of grouse, or prairie chicken, in North America.

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You know you're in Kansas when you actually know the meaning of Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

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(Note:  We will be out of town so tomorrow the entry may be very late or not at all.)

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----better late than never......

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Today is/was Saturday, November 29, the 333rd day of the year.  There are 32 days left in the year.

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In 1864, a Colorado militia killed at least 150 Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.

In 1942, coffee joined the list of items rationed in the United States.

In 1964, the U.S. Roman Catholic Church instituted the partial use of English instead of Latin.

In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island at age 43.

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November 29th is/was: Electronics Greetings Day, International Day Of Solidarity With The Palestinian People, National Day Of Giving, Small Business Saturday and Square Dancing Day.

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Quip for the day.....Every great idea I have gets me in trouble.

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A bit of trivia......Dr. John R. Brinkley started the first radio station in Kansa -- KFKB (Kansas First, Kansas Best.)

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You know you're in Kansas when you can go to a shopping mall and say, "I remember when there was a hay field here."

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Larryj
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[larryJ]

Today's---hah.......

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:

"Use a thawed chicken."

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Today is Sunday, November 30, the 334th day of the year.  There are 31 days left in the year.

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In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1803, Spain completed the process of ceding Louisiana to France, which had sold it to the United States.

In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, was born in Florida, Missouri.

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Today----Actor Robert Guillaume is 87, Radio talk show host G. Gordon Liddy is 84, Movie director Ridley Scott is 77, Movie writer-director Terrence Malick is 71 and Actor Mandy Patinkin is 62.

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November 30th is:  Computer Security Day, National Meth Awareness Day and Stay Home Because You're Well Day.

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Quip for the day......My bucket list:  1.  Beer.  2.  Ice.

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A bit of trivia....Plains Indians of the Macro-Siouan group originally populated what is now Kansas; their speech echoes in such place-names as Kansas, Wichita, Topeka, Chetopah and Ogallah.

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You know you're in Kansas when you can properly pronounce Salina, Basehor, Schoenchen, Kechi, Olathe, Chatauqua and Osawatomie.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----of course....

After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.

"Say," Peter said, "How's it going?" 

Bill said, "Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what's today's date?"

"July seventh."

"Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue...."

"Let me guess," Peter interrupted. "You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race and he won!"

Bill sighed. "No. He came in seventh."

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Today is Monday, December 1, the 335th day of the year.  There are 30 days left in the year.

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In 1824, the presidential election was turned over to the U.S. House of Representatives when a deadlock developed between John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, William H. Crawford and Henry Clay.  Adams ended up the winner.

In 1913, Henry Ford installed the first moving assembly line for the mass production of his automobile.

In 1955, in Montgomery, Alabama, Rosa Parks was arrested for refusing to give her seat on the bus to a white man.

In 1974, two tragedies involving Boeing 727s occurred on this day.  TWA Flight 514 crashed in Virginia, killing all 92 people on board.  Northwest Orient Airlines Flight 6231, chartered to pick up the Baltimore Colts in Buffalo, New York, crashed near Stony Point, New York, with the loss of its three crew members.

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Today----Singer Billy Paul is 79, Actor-director Woody Allen is 79, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Lee Trevino is 75, Drummer John Densmore (The Doors) is 70, Actress-singer Bette Midler is 69, Actor Keith Thibodeaux is 64 and Actor Treat Williams is 63.

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December 1st is:  Bifocals At The Monitor Liberation Day, Civil Air Patrol Day, Day With(out) Art Day, Rosa Parks Day, World AIDS Day and Cyber Monday.

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Quip for the day.....I'm starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.

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A bit of trivia......"Old Sacramento" was a cannon from the Battle of Sacramento, at Chihuahua, Mexico, during the Mexican-American War.  Col. Doniphan was in command of Kansas troops in that battle.  The cannon was later used in the Battle of Hickory Point in Kansas during the Bleeding Kansas days.

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You know you're in Kansas when you're ready to shoot the next person that asks you about Dorothy and Toto.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

(I have no clue to what happened to yesterday's entry.  I put it in.  Maybe I didn't hit post.  Maybe my nap started early.  Maybe I'm computer illiterate.  Anyway, sorry.)

Today's-----good one......

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake."

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Today is Wednesday, December 3, the 337th day of the year.  There are 28 days left in the year.

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In 1818, Illinois became the 21st state of the Union.

In 1833, Oberlin College in Ohio -- the first truly coeducational school of higher learning  in the United States -- began holding classes.

In 1925, George Gershwin's Concerto in F had its world premiere at New York's Carnegie Hall, with Gershwin at the piano.

In 1947, "A Streetcar Named Desire," by Tennessee Williams and starring Marlon Brando, opened on Broadway.

In 1967, surgeons in Cape Town, South Africa, led by Dr. Christiaan Bernard performed the first human heart transplant on Louis Washkansky, who lived 18 days with the new heart.

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Today----Movie director Jean-Luc Godard is 84, Actress Mary Alice is 73, Rock singer Ozzie Osbourne is 66 and Actress Heather Menzies is 65.

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December 3rd is:  International Day Of Persons With Disabilities, Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting and Special Kids Day.

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Quip for the day.....You can't fix stupid......not even with duct tape.

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A bit of trivia...Russell Springs in Logan County is known as the cow chip capital of Kansas.

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You know you are in Kansas when you know the four seasons as Summer, Road Construction, Still Summer and Winter.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------busy day.....

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

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Today is Thursday, December 4, the 338th day of the year.  There are 27 days left in the year.

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In 1867, former Minnesota farmer Oliver Hudson founder The Grange which became a powerful political force among western farmers.

In 1945, the Senate approved U.S. participation in the United Nations by a vote of 65-7.

In 1954, the first Burger King stand was opened in Miami by James McLamore and David Edgerton.

In 1978, San Francisco got its first female mayor----City Supervisor Dianne Feinstein.

In 1991, Islamic militants in Lebanon released kidnapped American journalist Terry Anderson after 2,454 days in captivity.

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Today---Actor Ronnie Corbett is 84, Game show host Wink Martindale is 80, Actor Max Baer Jr. is 77, Actress Gemma Jones is 72, Astronaut Roberta Bondar is 69, Actor Jeff Bridges is 65, TV show host Pamela Stephenson is 65, Guitarist Gary Rossington (Lynrd Skynrd) is 63, Actress Patricia Wettig is 63, Sportscaster Skip Bayless is 63 and Actor Tony Todd is 60.

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December 4th is:  National Cookie Day, National Dice Day and World Wildlife Conservation Day.

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Quip for the day......My train of though derailed.  There were no survivors.

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A bit of trivia.......George Washington Carver once operated a laundry in Ottawa County, Kansas.

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You know you're in Kansas when you have visited a dairy farm and a one-room school.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------groaner......

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

(ready?)

"Sally sells C cells by the Seashore

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Today is Friday, December 5, the 339th day of the year.  There are 26 days left in the year.

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In 1776, the first scholastic fraternity in America, Phi Beta Kappa, was organized at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia.

In 1839, Union General George Armstrong Custer was born in Harrison County, Ohio.

In 1848, President James K. Polk triggered the Gold Rush of '49 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.

In 1871, the great steer wrestling rodeo star Bill Pickett was born near Austin, Texas.

In 1933, National Prohibition came to an end as Utah became the 36th state to ratify the 21st Amendment to the Constitution, repealing the 18th Amendment.

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Today---Singer Little Richard is 82, Author Calvin Trillin is 79, Author James Lee Burke is 78, Actor Jeroen Krabbe is 70, Singer Andy Kim is 68, Singer Jim Messina (Buffalo Springfield) is 67 and Actress Morgan Brittany is 63.

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December 5th is:  AFL-CIO Day, Bathtub Party Day, Faux Fur Day, International Ninja Day, International Volunteer Day For Economic And Social Development,  World Salesperson Day, World Soil Day and Sachertorte Day.

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Quip for the day------I feel sorry for the people who don't know me.

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A bit of trivia.....The earliest documented performance of the electric guitar was in 1932 by Gage Brewer of Wichita.

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You know you're in Kansas when you learn to shoot before you learn to multiply.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah......

Two young idiots were camping out in the forest one night. But the mosquitoes were so fierce that the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from getting bitten.

The one of the boys saw some lightning bugs. "We may as well give up," he told his friend. "Now they are coming at us with flashlights."

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Today is Saturday, December 6, the 340th day of the year.  There are 25 days left in the year.

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In 1790, Congress moved to Philadelphia from New York.

In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, officially ending the institution of slavery, was ratified.

In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument by setting an aluminum capstone atop the obelisk.

In 1907, the worst mining disaster in U.S. history occurred as 362 men and boys died in a coal mine explosion in Monongah, West Virginia.

In 1964, the animated puppet special "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" first aired on NBC-TV.

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Today----Actor Dharmendra is 79, Comedy performer David Ossman is 78, Actor Patrick Bauhau is76, Country singer Helen Cornelius is 73, Baseball player Tony Horton is 70, Actor James Naughton is 69, Singer Frankie Beverly is 68, Actress Jobeth Williams is 66 and Actor Tom Hulce is 61.

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December 6th is:  Bartender Appreciation Day, Miners' Day, National Pawnbrokers Day, Skywarn Recognition Day, St. Nicholas Day and Earmuff Day or Chester Greenwood Day.

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Quip for the day.......Always give 100%.........unless you're donating blood.

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A bit of trivia......Lewis Seagondollar, who helped develop the atomic bomb, was born in Hoisington, Kansas, and studied physics at Emporia State University.

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You know you're in Kansas when you measure distance in hours.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one.....

The 12-Step Program for Internet Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I use to.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash the dog, get the kids off to school, all before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear what is happening on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on my computer.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed some time....and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

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Today is Sunday, December 7, the 341st day of the year.  There are 24 days left in the year.

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In 1787, Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.

In 1941, The Empire of Japan launched a pre-emptive air raid on the U.S. Navy base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii as well as targets in Malaya, Hong Kong, Guam, the Philippines and Wake Island; the United States declared war against Japan the next day.

In 1963, videotaped  instant replay was used for the first time in a live sports telecast (the Army-Navy game).  CBS re-showed a one-yard touchdown run by Army quarterback Rollie Stichweh.

In 1963, The Singing Nun scored a #1 hit with "Dominique."

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Today------Bluegrass singer Bobby Osborne is 83, Actress Ellen Burstyn is 82, Actress Sue Johnston is 71, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Johnny Bench is 67, Author Anna Fine is 67, Actor-producer-director James Keach is 67, Country singer Gary Morris is 66 and Singer-songwriter Tom Waits is 65.

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December 7th is:  National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, International Civil Aviation Day and National Cotton Candy Day.

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Quip for the day......People like you are the reason people like me need medications.

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A bit of trivia.....An old law stated that before proceeding through the intersection of Douglas and Broadway  in Wichita, a motorist must get out of their vehicle and fire three shotgun rounds into the air.

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You know you're in Kansas when you know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

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Larryj