another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----going to the doctor today....needed a doctor joke for her........

Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.

"I'll tell her if you like," said the doctor. "I'll lead up to it gradually."

The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady's bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation 'round to money. "Tell me Mrs. Parkinson," he said, "what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?"

"Half a million?" said the old lady reflectively, "well you've always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I'd give half of it to you."

And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.

___________________________________________

Today is Monday, November 17, the 321st day of the year.  There are 44 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1800, Congress held its first session in Washington in the partially completed Capitol building.

In 1856, the United States increased its control over the Gadsden Purchase with the establishment of Fort Buchanan on the Sonoita River in Arizona.

In 1958, the Kingston Trio's "Tom Dooley" hit #1 on the pop music charts.

In 1970, the court martial of Lt. William Calley who led his men on a massacre at My Lai village in Vietnam, began.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon told Associated Press managing editors in Orlando, Florida, "People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook.  Well, I'm not a crook."

___________________________________________

Today----Singer Gordon Lightfoot is 76, Movie director Martin Scorsese is 72, Actress Lauren Hutton is 71, Actor-director Danny DeVito is 70, "Saturday Night Live" producer Lorne Michaels is 70 and Baseball player Tom Seaver is 70.

___________________________________________

November 17th is:  Homemade Bread Day, National Unfriend Day, Petroleum Day and World Prematurity Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......I've decided I no longer want to be an adult.  If anyone needs me I'll be in my blanket fort coloring.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia....John Cameron Swayze (the man who's Timex watch "took a licking, but kept on ticking") was born in Wichita in 1906.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when you run the heater in the morning and the A/C in the afternoon.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---old favorite.....

Three men were shipwrecked on a desert island and where captured by the local natives. They were brought to the chief native. The chief gave the men two choices; they could have death or submit to unga bunga.

The first man decides he does not want to die, so he chooses unga bunga. Ten of the natives took him into the woods, when he came back one hour later he was all beaten up.

The second man chooses unga bunga and he was taken out the woods for 2 hours where the natives beat him up.

The third man not wanting to go through all that torture decided upon death. So the chief said, "Ok, death by Unga Bunga."

___________________________________________

Today is Tuesday, November 18, the 322nd day of the year.  There are 43 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1883, at exactly noon on this day, American and Canadian railroads began using four continental time zones to end the confusion of dealing with thousands of local times.

In 1928, Walt Disney's first sound-synchronized animated cartoon, "Steamboat Willie" starring Mickey Mouse, premiered in New York City.

In 1963, the Bell System introduced the first commercial touch-tone telephone system in Carnegie and Greensburg, Pennsylvania.

In 1966, Sandy Koufax, the ace for the Los Angeles Dodgers, announced his retirement at age 30.

In 1978, U.S. Rep. Leo J. Ryan, D-Calif., and four others were killed in Jonestown, Guyana, by members of the Peoples Temple; the killings were followed by a night of mass murder and suicide by more than 900 cult members.

___________________________________________

Today----Actress Susan Sullivan is 72, Actress Linda Evans is 72, Author Jeremy Strong is 65, Singer Graham Parker is 64, Actor Dennis Haskins is 64 and Comedian Kevin Nealon is 61.

___________________________________________

November 18th is:  European Antibiotic Awareness Day, Married To A Scorpio Support Day, National Entrepreneurship Day, Mickey Mouse Day and Push-Button Phone Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day....I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......Kansas businessmen Walter Anderson and E.W. "Billy" Ingram opened the first White Castle Restaurant in Wichita in 1921.  Although there are many White Castle Restaurants in the Midwest, there are supposedly none left in Kansas.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when you go to the bank for the second time ever to make a deposit and they don't need ID because they know you.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---saw this and had to post......

There were three Kansans who had grown up together, but only one of them still lived in Kansas, farming into his old age just as his father and grandfather had done.

The two others had moved away, one to Colorado and the other to California.

As death approached them, they decided on a reunion, at which they decided to just go ahead and be cremated together.

After eight hours in the crematorium furnace, there was nothing left of the Coloradan. By half a day, the Californian had a gorgeous tan. But on the third day, when the oven door was opened, the Kansan sat up and stretched.

"Another day of this good heat," he said, "and we'll harvest the wheat."

___________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, November 19, the 323rd day of the year.  There are 42 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln paid tribute to the fallen from the Battle of Gettysburg as he dedicated a national cemetery at the site of the Civil War battlefield in Pennsylvania.

In 1919, the Senate rejected the Treaty of Versailles.

In 1959, Ford Motor Co. announced it was halting production of the unpopular Edsel.

In 1975, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, starring Jack Nicholson, opened in theaters.

___________________________________________

Today----Actor Alan Young is 95, Talk show host Larry King is 81, Talk show host Dick Cavett is 78, Broadcasting and sports mogul Ted Turner is 76, Actor Dan Haggerty is 73, Fashion Designer Calvin Klein is 72 and Football player Ahmad Rashad is 65.

___________________________________________

November 19th is:  American-made Matters Day, Equal Opportunity Day, Geographic Information Systems Day, Have A Bad Day Day, International Men's Day, National Educational Support Professionals Day, Rocky And Bullwinkle Day, Women's Entrepreneurship Day and World Toilet Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.....I have a feeling my CHECK LIVER light may come on this weekend.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia........Among the signatories on the Wichita town charter was the town laundry operator, Catherine "The Widow" McCarty, whose eldest son, after leaving Wichita, would become the famous gunman "Billy The Kid."

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when the birds have to use pot holders to get worms out of the ground.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----twofer day......

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"

"Elation."

"And you, sir, how about the opposite of woe?"

"I believe that would be giddy up..."

And,

A man bought two goldfish.  He named the first "one" and the other "two."

He did this because if one died, he would still have two.  (Groan.)

___________________________________________

Today is Thursday, November 20, the 324th day of the year.  There are 41 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1789, New Jersey ratified the Bill of Rights becoming the first state to do so.

In 1843, established as the Blacksnake trading post in 1826, the growing community on the banks of the Missouri River adopted the more impressive St. Joseph as its name.

In 1923, the U.S. Patent Office issued a patent to 46-year-old inventor and newspaperman Garret Morgan for his three position traffic signal.

In 1955, Bo Diddley introduced himself and his namesake beat to the world with his TV debut on the Ed Sullivan Show.

___________________________________________

Today-----TV actor Mark Miller is 89, Singer Kaye Ballard is 89, Comedian Dick Smothers is 75, Vice President Joe Biden is 72, Voice actor Robert Costanzo is 72, Actress Veronica Hamel is 71, Producer Joe Walsh is 67 and Voice actor Rodger Bumpass is 63.

___________________________________________

November 20th is:  African Industrialization Day, Globally Organized Hug A Runner Day, Great American Smokeout, Name Your PC Day, National Peanut Butter Fudge Day, Universal Children's Day and Use Less Stuff Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......Dear Alcohol:  We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer...............I saw the video................we need to talk.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......The Graham cracker was named after a native of Kansas, Reverend Sylvester Graham.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansa when those same birds use an ice pick in the winter.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---good one.......

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

___________________________________________

Today is Friday, November 21, the 325th day of the year.  There are 40 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1877, Thomas Edison announced the invention of his phonograph, a way to record and play back sound.

In 1922, Rebecca Felton of Georgia was sworn in as the first woman to serve in the U.S. Senate.

In 1934, the Cole Porter musical "Anything Goes," starring Ethel Merman as Reno Sweeney, opened on Broadway.

In 1964, the upper level of New York's Verrazano Narrows Bridge, connecting Brooklyn and Staten Island, was opened.

In 1980, 87 people died in a fire at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.

In 1980, 350 million people worldwide tuned in to television's popular prime time drama "Dallas" to find out who shot J.R.

___________________________________________

Today-----Actor Joseph Campanella is 90, Actress Marlo Thomas is 77, Actor Rick Lenz is 75, Singer Dr. John is 74, Actress Juliet Mills is 73, Basketball player Earl Monroe is 70, Actress Goldie Hawn is 69, Movie director Andrew Davis is 68 and Actress Lorna Luft is 62.

___________________________________________

November 21st is:  Alascattalo Day, Beaujolais Nouveau Day, World Hello Day and World Television Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.....The police never think it's as funny as you do.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia....A purpose of the Kansas-Nebraska Act was to open the area to the transcontinental railway.  Pioneers stated that Kansas had nothing to offer but flat land, no trees and snakes.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas if you find yourself on a one lane road that continues to go in one direction and you can't get off.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---an old favorite...

One Sunday morning, the Pastor noticed a young boy was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning, Pastor" replied the young man, not taking his eyes off  the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" he asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the Pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

The young man's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

___________________________________________

Today is Saturday, November 22, the 326th day of the year.  There are 39 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1718, English pirate Edward Teach -- better known as "Blackbeard" -- was killed during a battle off present-day North Carolina.

In 1928, "Bolero" by Maurice Ravel had its premiere at the Paris Opera.

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated while riding in a motorcade in Dallas; Texas Gov. John B. Connally, in the same open car as the president, was seriously wounded. Suspected gunman Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested.

In 1975, the pop group KC and the Sunshine Band earned their second #1 hit with "That's the way I like it."

In 1988, Northrop introduced it's B-2 "Stealth" bomber at a facility in Palmdale, California.

___________________________________________

Today----Actor Robert Vaughn is 82, Director Terry Gilliam is 74, Singer Jesse Colin Young is 73 and International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Billie Jean King is 71.

___________________________________________

November 22nd is:  Humane Society Anniversary Day, Family Volunteer Day, International Aura Awareness Day, National Adoption Day and National Survivors Of Suicide Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.......I'm a bomb technician.  If you see me running, try to catch up.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.......The Battle of Mine Creek, which occurred in 1864 a few miles south of Pleasanton, was the only Civil War battle fought in Kansas.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when you think an F-3 is a mild wind storm.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------and another one....

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

___________________________________________

Today is Sunday, November 23, the 327th day of the year.  There are 38 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1765, Frederick County, Maryland, became the first colonial entity to repudiate the British Stamp Act.

In 1889, the first jukebox made its debut in San Francisco at the Palais Royale Saloon.

In 1903, Enrico Caruso made his American debut at the Metropolitan Opera House in New York, appearing in "Rigoletto."

In 1914, the seven-month U.S. military occupation of Vera Cruz, Mexico, ended.

In 1936, the first issue of the pictorial magazine Life as published, featuring a cover photo of the Fort Peck Dam by Margaret Bourke-White.

___________________________________________

Today----Composer Johnny Mandell is 89, Baseball player Luis Tiant is 74, Actor Franco Nero is 73, Actress Susan Anspach is 72, Soap opera actress Sue Nicholls is 71, Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas is 70, Actor-comedy writer Bruce Vilanch is 67 and singer Bruce Hornsby is 60.

___________________________________________

November 23rd is:  Doctor Who Day, Fibonacci Day, International Image Consultant Day and Mother Goose Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person......but then I laugh and continue on with my day.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......Situated in a bank in Norton, Kansas, is the "They Also Ran" gallery of those who lost their bid for the U.S. presidency, including Thomas Jefferson who lost to John Adams in 1796.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when the grain elevator is the tallest structure in town.

___________________________________________

Larry

___________________________________________

[larryJ]

Today's-------and another.....

A man and his young son were standing in the check-out line at Walmart.  In front of them was a rather heavy set woman.  The boy said to his dad, "Wow! Dad, look how fat that lady is!"

The father shushed the boy and said, "You need to mind your manners.  It is not nice to make comments such as that."

The boy said, "But, Dad, she's really huge."

The father shushed him again and warned him to keep his mouth shut.

Then the woman's beeper went off.

The boy screamed, "Look out, Dad!  She's backing up!"

___________________________________________

Today is Monday, November 24, the 328th day of the year.  There are 37 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1849, John Froelich, the inventor of the first internal-combustion traction motor, or tractor, was born in Girard, Iowa.

In 1963, Jack Ruby fatally shot Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy.

In 1969, U.S. Army officials announced that Lt. William Calley will be court-martialed for the premeditated murder of 107 civilians at My Lai.

In 1971, a hijacker calling himself "Dan Cooper" (also known as "D.B. Cooper) parachuted from a Northwest Orient Airlines 727 over the Pacific Northwest after receiving $200,000 in ransom.  His fate remains unknown.

In 1993, Mrs. Doubtfire, starring Robin Williams, opened in theaters.

___________________________________________

Today-----Basketball player Oscar Robinson is 76, Musician Pete Best (original drummer for the Beatles) is 73, Actor-comedian Billy Connolly is 72, Basketball player Dave Bing is 71 and Actor Dwight Shultz is 67.

___________________________________________

November 24th is:  Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day and D.B. Cooper Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.....That's it!  Whoever is in charge of keeping me from doing stupid stuff is fired!

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.......Californians are the largest consumers of turkey.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when your car stays filthy because of dirt roads and you never buy a dark car for just that reason.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------I always liked this one.....

The two inventors of the bungee rope went to Mexico to test their invention. They built a 50-foot tower and, once completed, one of the guys stood on the edge of the platform and dove into the air with the rope tied to his feet. The other guy, standing up on the platform, waited until his friend returned up so that he could grab him. The first time his friend sprung up, he tried to grab him but missed and noticed that his head was swollen. The next time, he missed again and again there were bruises on his head and face. This time, with much concern, he dove forward to get his partner, pulled him in and asked, "What happened? Is the cord too long?"

His partner replied with his face all bloody, "What is a piñata?"

___________________________________________

Today is Tuesday, November 25, the 329th day of the year.  There are 36 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1783, the British evacuated New York, their last military position in the United States during the Revolutionary War.

In 1864, during the Civil War, Confederate agents sat a series of arson fires in New York; the blazes were quickly extinguished.

In 1950, the so-called "Storm of the Century" hit the eastern part of the United States, killing hundreds and causing millions of dollars in damages.

In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower suffered a slight stroke.

In 1963, the body of President John F. Kennedy was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery.

___________________________________________

Today-----Actress Kathryn Crosby is 81, Actor Matt Clark is 78, Signer Percy Sledge is 74, Coach Joe Gibbs is 74, Author-actor-economist Ben Stein is 70, Author Marc Brown is 68, Actor John Larroquette is 67, Actor Tracy Walter is 67 and Author Charlene Harris is 63.

___________________________________________

November 25th is:  International Day For The Elimination of Violence Against Women, International Hat Day, Blase' Day and Shopping Reminder Day

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......from FB.......Thanksgiving is that time of the year when all of your dysfunctional family gathers in one place and you hope nobody calls the police.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.....the Long Branch Saloon really did exist in Dodge City.  One of the owners, William Harris, was a former resident of Long Branch, New Jersey, and named the saloon after his hometown in the 1880's.

___________________________________________

You are in Kansas when you are aware of what a chigger is.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------instructions for tomorrow....

How To Cook A Turkey:
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turk the bastey
Step 8: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 9: Ponder the meat thermometer
Step 10: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 11: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 12: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 13: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 14: Turk the carvey
Step 15: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 16: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 17: Bless the dinner and pass out

___________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, November 26, the 330th day of the year.  There are 35 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1789, this was a day of thanksgiving set aside by President George Washington to observe the adoption  of the Constitution of the United States.

In 1864, English mathematician and writer Charles Dodgson presented a handwritten and illustrated manuscript "Alice's Adventures Under Ground," to his 12-year-old friend Alice Pleasance Liddell; the book was later revised into "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland."

In 1898, a powerful winter storm battered the New England coast killing at least 450 people in New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts.

In 1931, the first cloverleaf interchange to be built in the U.S., at the junction of NJ Rt. 25 (now U.S. Rt. 1) and NJ Rt. 4 (now NJ Rt. 35) in Woodbridge, New Jersey, was featured on the cover of the weeks issue of Engineering News-Record.

In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a bill officially establishing the fourth Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day.

___________________________________________

Today------Comedian Rich Little is 76, Singer Tina Turner is 75, Actress Olivia Cole is 72, Singer Jean Terrell is 70, Actor Daniel Davis is 69, Pop musician John McVie (Fleetwood Mac) is 69, Actress Marianne Muellerleile is 66 and Football player Harry Carson is 61.

___________________________________________

November 26th is:  Tie One On Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day...If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......Turkeys have heart attacks.  The USAF was conducting test flights breaking the sound barrier.  Nearby turkeys dropped dead from heart attacks.
And......the coldest day recorded in Kansas was -40 degrees Fahrenheit at Lebanon of Feb. 3, 1904.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when you learn to drive with two fingers.

___________________________________________

Larryj