another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----yep.....

In the Man vs. Women category......

Going to a drive-up ATM machine.....

MAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away

WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake

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Today is Sunday, October 19, the 292nd day of the year.  There are 73 days left in the year.

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In 1781, British Gen. Lord Cornwallis surrendered his troops at Yorktown, Virginia, as the American Revolution neared its end.

In 1789, John Jay, the first chief justice of the United States, was sworn in.

In 1814, the first documented public performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner" took place at the Holliday Street Theater in Baltimore.

In 1914, the U.S. Post Office began delivering mail with government-owned cars instead of contracted vehicles.

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Today--Author John le Carre is 83, Artist Peter Max is 77, Author and critic Renata Adler is 75, Actor Michael Gambon is 74, Actor John Lithgow is 69, Singer Jeannie C. Riley is 69 and Actress Veronica Castro is 62.

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October 19th is:  National Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day, Evaluate Your Life Day and World Toy Camera Day.

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Quip for the day......(posted by a cousin with a little editorial license) 

HOW TO OPEN A BOTTLE OF WINE.......

Remove the cork and allow the wine to breathe.

If it is not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

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A bit of trivia....The first burial in Grace Lawn in Howard was a McDonald in 1874.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------good one......

Abu al-Zarqawi died. George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an angel appeared. Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

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Today is Monday, October 20, the 293rd day of the year.  There are 72 days left in the year.

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In 1803, the U.S. Senate ratified the Louisiana Purchase.

In 1944, Gen. Douglas MacArthur waded ashore onto the Philippine Island of Leyte, fulfilling his promise of "I shall return."

In 1977, three members of the southern rock band, Lynyrd Skynyrd died in a place crash in Mississippi.

In 1994, actor Burt Lancaster died of a heart attack in Century City, California, at age 80.

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Today-----Actor William Christopher is 82, Singer Wanda Lavonne Jackson is 77, Baseball player Juan Marichal is 77, Singer Tom Petty is 64, Actor William Russ is 64 and Baseball player Keith Hernandez is 61.

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October 20th is:  Lung Health Day, Miss American Rose Day and National Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day.

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Quip for the day......I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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A bit of trivia....The first school was taught in Howard in early 1873 by W.S. Kent.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----oh no....

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there to pack up her things.

While he was gone the first day, she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back with his new girl and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...including the curtain rods.

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Today is Tuesday, October 21, the 294th day of the year.  There are 71 days left in the year.

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In 1797, the U.S. Navy frigate Constitution, also known as "Old Ironsides," was christened in Boston's harbor.

In 1867, more than 7,000 Southern Plains Indians gathered near Medicine Lodge, Kansas, as their leaders signed one of the most important treaties in the history of U.S.-Indian relations.

In 1879, Thomas Edison perfected a workable electric light at his laboratory in Menlo Park, New Jersey.

In 1910, a massive explosion destroyed the Los Angeles Times in the downtown area, killing 21 and injuring more.  (Note:  The site of the explosion was never built back up as the newspaper built a new building across the street to the South.  It remained a concrete slab all the years I worked there.)

In 1971, President Richard M. Nixon nominated Lewis F. Powell and William H. Rehnquist to the U.S. Supreme Court.

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Today------Actress Joyce Randolph is 90, Baseball player Whitey Ford is 86, Author Ursula K. Le Guinis is 85, Actress Vivian Pickles is 83, Rock singer Manfred Mann is 74, Songwriter-guitarist Steve Cropper (Booker T. and the MG's) is 73, TV show host Judge Judy Sheindlin is 71, Actress Latanya Richardson is 65, Actress Patti Davis is 62 and Guitarist Charlotte Caffey (The Go-Gos) is 61.

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October 21st is:  Celebration Of The Mind Day, Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder Prevention Day, Pro-Life Day Of Silent Solidarity and Reptile Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.......You know that little thingie in your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn't?  Yeah, I don't have one of those.

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A bit of trivia.........In 1873, a stage line operated b James A. McCoy began making runs from Eureka to Emporia.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah........

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time). They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter.

A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up.

Phil, confused about this asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out"

His friend said, "well, we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all and if you want to tell a joke you just call out a number."

Phil nodded and said "Can I try?"

His friend nodded and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after.

"Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked. His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."

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Today is Wednesday, October 22, the 295th day of the year.  There are 70 days left in the year.

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In 1883, the original Metropolitan Opera House in New York held its grand opening with a performance of Gounod's "Faust."

In 1934, Charles "Pretty Boy" Floyd was shot to death by FBI agents in a cornfield in East Liverpool, Ohio.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy revealed the presence of Soviet-built missile bases under construction in Cuba and announced a quarantine of all offensive military equipment being shipped to the Communist Island nation.

In 1979, the U.S. government allowed the deposed Shah of Iran to travel to New York for medical treatment -- a decision that led to a hostage crisis.

In 1992, Red Barber, the legendary announcer of the Brooklyn Dodgers, died at age 84.

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Today---Black Panther co-founder Bobby Seale is 78, Actor Derek Jacobi  is 76, Actor Christopher Lloyd is 76, Actress Catherine Deneuve is 71, Author Deepak Chopra is 68 and Actor Jeff Goldblum is 62.

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October 22nd is:  International Stuttering Awareness Day, Medical Assistants Recognition Day, National Nut Day and Smart Is Cool Day.

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Quip for the day......My people skills are just fine.  It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

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A bit of trivia...Omar Knedlik of Coffeyville, Kansas, invented the first frozen carbonated drink machine.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----groaner.....

Years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims. At this point, you must understand two things:
1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Nothing. Not a single note for page after page, and..
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, favored by local musicians.
It was decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts they'd quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking (and feeling) dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now.
However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious!
And why not? After all......

(get ready, here it comes...)


It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

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Today is Thursday, October 23, the 296th day of the year.  There are 69 days left in the year.

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In 1885, in opposition to the fraudulently elected pro-slavery legislature of Kansas, the Kansas Free State forces set up a governor and legislature under their Topeka Constitution, a document that outlawed slavery in the territory.

In 1915, tens of thousands of women marched in New York City, demanding the right to vote.

In 1983, 241 U.S. service members, most of them Marines, were killed in a suicide truck bombing at Beirut International Airport in Lebanon.

In 1993, Toronto Blue Jay Joe Carter won the world series for his team by hitting a ninth-inning home run over the Sky Dome's left field wall.

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Today---Baseball Hall-of-Famer and former U.S. Senator Jim Bunning, R-Ky., is 83, Director Philip Kaufman is 78, Soccer great Pele is 73 and Director Ang Lee is 60.

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October 23rd is:  IPod Day, National Mole Day, National Pharmacy Technicians Day and Swallows Depart From Capistrano Day.

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Quip for the day.....If I'm ever on a life support machine, unplug it. Then plug me back in and see if that works.

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A bit of trivia......The Rock Island Bridge which crosses over the Cimarron River south of Ashland, Kansas, is the longest railroad bridge in Kansas.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one......

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich.

He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke.

He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leaned out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?"

"Registration and license please" came the reply.

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Today is Friday, October 24, the 297th day of the year.  There are 68 days left in the year.

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In 1861, the first transcontinental telegraph message was sent by Chief Justice Stephen J. Field of California from San Francisco to President Abraham Lincoln in Washington, D.C., over a line built by the Western Union Telegraph Company.

In 1901, a 63-year-old school teacher named Annie Edson Taylor became the first person to take the plunge over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

In 1940, the 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.

In 1951, President Harry S. Truman proclaimed that the nation's war with Germany was officially over.

In 1992, the Toronto Blue Jays beat the Atlanta Braves in the sixth game of the World Series to win the championship.

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Today---Football Hall-of-Famer Y.A. Tittle is 88, Rock musician Bill Wyman is 78, Actor F. Murray Abraham is 75, Director Martin Campbell is 71, Actor Kevin Kline is 67, Country musician Billy Thomas is 61 and Actor Doug Davidson is 60.

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October 24th is:  Food Day, National Pharmacy Buyer Day, Wear It Pink Day, United Nations Day and World Development Information Day.

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Quip for the day.....If you can't say anything nice about someone, come sit by me and we'll make fun of them together.

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A bit of trivia.....Most of the land in Kansas is privately owned.  The largest public land is the Cimarron National Grasslands in the southwestern part of the state.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----no offense.....it's just a joke.....

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks."

A British doctor says: "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."

A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

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Today is Saturday, October 25, the 298th day of the year.  There are 67 days left in the year.

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In 1853, Paiute Indians attacked U.S. Army Captain John W. Gunnison and his party of 37 soldiers and railroad surveyors near Sevier, Utah, killing Gunnison and seven others.

In 1954, a meeting of President Dwight D. Eisenhower's Cabinet was broadcast live on radio and television; during the session, Secretary of State John Foster Dulles, just returned from Europe, reported on the agreements signed in Paris on the future of West Germany.

In 1964, The Rolling Stones made the first of six appearances on "The Ed Sullivan Show."

In 1983, President Ronald Reagan, citing the threat posed to American nationals in Grenada, ordered the U.S. Marines to invade and secure their safety.

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Today------Actress Marion Ross is 86, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Knight is 74, Singer Helen Reddy is 73, Singer Jon Anderson (Yes) is 70 and Guitarist Glenn Tipton (Judas Priest) is 67.

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October 25th is:  International Artists Day, Make A Difference Day, National Forgiveness Day, Pit Bull Awareness Day, Sourest Day and World Pasta Day.

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Quip for the day......I may be old, but I got to see all the cool bands.

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A bit of trivia......Wichita turns out 70 percent of the general aviation aircraft produced in the U.S.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------signs that the wife is tired.....

* Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

* I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!

* Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

* You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it!

* If you do write in the dust, please don't date it!

* I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!

* I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

* If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.

* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

* Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

* Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

* My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!

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Today is Sunday, October 26, the 299th day of the year.  There are 66 days left in the year.

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In 1774, the First Continental Congress adjourned in Philadelphia.

In 1825, the Erie Canal opened in upstate New York, connecting Lake Erie and the Hudson River.

In 1861, the legendary Pony Express officially ceased operations, giving way to the transcontinental telegraph.  (The Pony Express completed its last run the next month.)

In 1881, the "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral" took place in Tombstone, Arizona.

In 2001, President George W. Bush signed the Patriot Act, an anti-terrorism law drawn up in response to the 9/11 attacks.

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Today-----Actress Shelley Morrison is 78, Author Pat Conroy is 69, Actress Jaclyn Smith is 69, TV show host Pat Sajak is 68, Singer Bootsy Collins is 63, Actress Lauren Tewes is 61, Actor Roger Allam is 61, Actor James Pickens Jr. is 60 and Actor D.W. Moffett is 60.

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October 26th is:  Howl At The Moon Night, Mother-In-Law Day, Mule Day (Historical), National Privacy Day, Visit A Cemetery Day and Xterra World Championships.

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Quip for the day....Remember when I asked for your opinion?  Yeah, neither do I.

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A bit of trivia.....It is said that during the Civil War, Kansas suffered the highest rate of casualties of any Union state.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.........

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

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Today is Monday, October 27, the 300th day of the year.  There are 65 days left in the year.

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In 1787, the first of the Federalist Paper, a series of essays calling for ratification of the U.S. Constitution, was published.

In 1873, A De Kalb, Illinois, farmer named Joseph Glidden submitted an application to the U.S. Patent Office for a fencing wire with sharp barbs.

In 1962, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, a U-2 reconnaissance aircraft was shot down while flying over Cuba, killing the pilot, U.S. Air Force Maj. Rudolf Anderson Jr.

In 1970, the double LP-album "Jesus Christ, Superstar" was released by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber.

In 2004, the Boston Red Sox won the World Series for the first time since 1918.

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Today----Actress Nanette Fabray is 94, Actor-comedian John Cleese is 75, Country singer Lee Greenwood is 72, Producer-director Ivan Reitman is 68, Actor Tom Jackson is 66, Guitarist K.K. Downing (Judas Priest) is 63, Model Jayne Kennedy is 63, Actor Ted Wass is 62, Actor Roberto Benigni is 62 and Actor Robert Picardo is 61.

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October 27th is:  Cranky Co-Workers Day, Navy Day and World Day For Audiovisual Heritage.

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Quip for the day.........ATF (Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms) should be a convenience store, not a government agency.

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A bit of trivia......The first airplane factory in Wichita was built in 1919.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----smart kids....

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked. "What's the problem Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well, uh, yes, it is," replied Carol.  "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but just this once I'll let you unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."

BONUS......

When school opened for the year the teacher wrote on the blackboard:  "I ain't had no fun this summer."

Then she asked Paul, "What do I have to do to correct this?"

Paul said, "Get a boyfriend."

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Today is Tuesday, October 28, the 301st day of the year.  There are 64 days left in the year.

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In 1886, the Statue of Liberty, a gift from the people of France, was dedicated in New York harbor by President Grover Cleveland.

In 1962, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev informed the U.S. that he had ordered the dismantling of missile bases in Cuba.

In 1964, the "TAMI show," a two-day rock concert, opened in Santa Monica, California, filmed for theatrical release, featured performances by the Beach Boys, Chuck Berry, James Brown, Lesley Gore, Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, Marvin Gaye, The Rolling Stones and The Supremes.

In 1965, construction was completed on the Gateway Arch on the waterfront in St. Louis, Missouri.

In 1992, the 1,480-foot-long Leif Erickson Tunnel on I-35, which stretches from Mexico to Canada, was finished.

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Today-------Singer Cleo Laine is 87, Musician-songwriter Charlie Daniels is 78, Actress Jane Alexander is 75, Actor Dennis Franz is 70, Actress Telma Hopkins is 66, Olympic Gold Medalist Bruce Jenner is 65 and Actress Annie Potts is 62.

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October 28th is:  National Chocolate Day and St. Jude's Day.

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Quip for the day......Irony: def.  The opposite of wrinkly.

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A bit of trivia.....Kansas is the third largest wind energy supplier in the U.S.

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Larryj