another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----oldie but goodie......

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the southern congressman. "How about global warming or universal health care", and he smiles smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know crap?"

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Today is Tuesday, September 9, the 252nd day of the year.  There are 113 days left in the year.

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In 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term "United States" official, replacing "United Colonies."

In 1850, California became the 31st state of the union.

In 1893, Francis Folsom Cleveland, wife of President Grover Cleveland, gave birth to a daughter, Esther, in the White House.

In 1956, Elvis Presley made the first of three appearances on "The Ed Sullivan Show."  (Note:  You may remember that censors blacked out the lower portion of the screen so viewers could not see Elvis swiveling his hips.)

In 1965, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Sandy Koufax pitched the eighth perfect game in major league history, leading the Dodgers to a 1-0 win over the Chicago Cubs at Dodger Stadium.

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Today---Actress Silvia Miles is 80, Actor Topol is 79, Rhythm-and-blues singer Luther Simmons is 72, Singer Inez Foxx is 72, Singer Dee Dee Sharp is 69, Football player Joe Theismann is 65, Actor Tom Wopat is 63 and Actress Angela Cartwright is 62.

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September 9th is:  Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders Day and Wonderful Weirdoes Day.

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Quip for the day......It doesn't matter whether you win or lose..........until you lose.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----idiot joke day........

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"

Guy number one replied, " I don't know.... why don't ya come on over here?"

"I don't know.... I don't see a bridge, and their ain't no boat, and I don't swim to well."

Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don't you walk across this here beam off light?"

Guy number two was outraged and replied "Do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

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Today is Wednesday, September 10, the 253rd day of the year.  There are 112 days left in the year.

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In 1813, in the first unqualified defeat of a British naval squadron in history, U.S. Capt. Oliver Hazard Perry led a fleet of nine American ships to victory over six British warships at the Battle of Lake Erie during the War of 1812.

In 1897, a 25-year-old London taxi driver named George Smith became the first person ever arrested for drunk driving after slamming his cab into a building.

In 1939, Canada declared war on Germany.

In 1955, the long-running TV Western series "Gunsmoke," starring James Arness as Marshall Matt Dillon, premiered on CBS Television.

In 1963, 20 black students entered Alabama public schools following a standoff between federal authorities and Gov. George C. Wallace.

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Today-----World Golf Hall-of-Famer Arnold Palmer is 85, Singer Danny Hutton (Three Dog Night) is 72, Singer Jose Feliciano is 69, Basketball player Bob Lanier is 66, Political commentator Bill O'Reilly is 65, Guitarist Joe Perry (Aerosmith) is 64 and Actress Amy Irving is 61.

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September 10th is:  Swap Ideas Day and (World) Suicide Prevention Day.

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Quip for the day......JOIN THE ARMY!!!!!  Travel to exotic places, meet new people.......shoot them.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---from the archives......

One morning this guy went out to get his newspaper.  As he turned to go back in, he saw a gorilla on his roof.  Perplexed as to what to do, he looked in the yellow pages and sure enough, there was an ad for a goroofer who specialized in removing gorillas from roofs.

He calls and the goroofer shows up with a big van.  He gets out of the van and sets up a huge cage.  Then he gets out a ladder, a mean looking German Shepard and a shotgun.  The homeowner asks, "What are you going to do?"

The goroofer says, "I am going to climb the ladder, wrestle with the gorilla and throw him off the roof.  Then the dog is going to bite him in a very tender area and the gorilla is going to run into the cage to get away from the dog."

The homeowner says, "I see.  But what's the shotgun for?"

The goroofer says, "That's in case the gorilla throws me off the roof.................shoot the dog."

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Today is Thursday, September 11, the 254th day of the year. There are 111 days left in the year.

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In 1857, Mormon guerillas, stoked by religious zeal and a deep resentment of decades of public abuse and federal interference, attacked a wagon train and murdered 120 emigrants at Mountain Meadows, Utah.

In 1941, groundbreaking took place for the Pentagon.

In 1954, the Miss America pageant made its network TV debut on ABC; Miss California, Lee Meriwether, was crowned the winner.

In 1985, Cincinnati Reds player-manager Pete Rose got the 4,192nd hit of his career, breaking Ty Cobb's major league record for most career hits.

In 1991, a Continental Express commuter plane crashed near Houston, Texas, killing 14 people.

In 2001, on America's single-worst day of terrorism, nearly 3,000 people were killed as 19 al-Qaida members hijacked four passenger jetliners, sending two of the planes smashing into New York's World Trade Center, one into the Pentagon and the fourth into a field in western Pennsylvania.

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Today----Movie director Brian De Palma is 74, Singer Lola Falana is 72, Drummer Mickey Hart (Grateful Dead) is 71, Actress Amy Madigan is 64 and Guitarist Tommy Shaw (Styx) is 61.

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September 11th is:  Odd Day: 11, Libraries Remember Day, National Day Of Service And Remembrance, Patriot Day and Remember Freedom Day.

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Quip for the day.....There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.....

A man was out driving in the country, seeing how his new car handled the curvy roads at high speeds. As he rounded a corner, one of his tires blew.

When he got out of the car to change the tire, he noticed that he had stopped in front of the state mental asylum. There was also a man sitting on the brick wall in front of the facility.

The driver went about his business, not paying any attention to the guy on the fence. He first took his tire iron and jack out of the car, and got the car jacked up. Then, he removed the hubcap. Next, he removed the six lug nuts, and placed them in the hubcap for safekeeping.

About this time, the guy on the fence decided to start a conversation. This startled the driver, and he reeled around quickly, knocking over the hubcap, and the lug nuts fell into the sewer drain.

The driver gets angry with the guy on the fence, shouting, "Now look what you made me do. Now I'm going to have to walk to town to buy some new lug nuts. Just go back inside and leave me be."

The guy on the fence says, "Why don't you just take one lug nut from each of your other three wheels, and use them on this one. That should hold it steady enough for you to drive the car to the auto parts store."

The driver asks, "That's a brilliant idea... why are you here?"

The guy on the fence replies, "I'm just crazy, not stupid."

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Today is Friday, September 12, the 255th day of the year.  There are 110 days left in the year.

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In 1914, during World War I, the First Battle of the Marne ended in an Allied victory against Germany.

In 1953, Massachusetts Sen. John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Lee Bouvier in Newport, Rhode Island.

In 1954, the television show "Lassie" made its debut on CBS.

In 1960, Democratic presidential candidate John F. Kennedy addressed questions about his Roman Catholic faith.

In 1972, after nearly 40 years of riding across American TV and movie screens, the cowboy actor William Boyd, best known for his role as Hopalong Cassidy, died at age 77.

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Today----Actor Dickie Moore is 89, Actor Ian Holm is 83, Actress Linda Gray is 74, Actor Joe Pantoliano is 63, Singer Gerry Beckley (America) is 62 and Drummer Neil Peart (Rush) is 62.

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September 12th is:  Banana Day, International Day For South-South Cooperation, Stand Up To Cancer Day and Video Games Day.

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Quip for the day.....Automatic means you can't repair it yourself.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----funny.....

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his library for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" The father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." He says. "A Torah scholar, Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man said, and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

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Today is Saturday, September 13, the 256th day of the year.  There are 109 days left in the year.

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In 1814, Francis Scott Key penned a poem which was later set to music and in 1931 became America's National Anthem, "The Star-Spangled Banner."

In 1936, 17-year-old Cleveland Indians pitching ace "Rapid" Robert Feller struck out 17 batters in a game, setting a new American League record.

In 1948, Republican Margaret Chase Smith of Maine was elected to the U.S. Senate; she became the first woman to serve in both houses of Congress.

In 1993, at the White House, Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO chairman Yasser Arafat shook hands after singing an accord granting limited Palestinian autonomy.

In 1998, George Wallace, one of the most controversial politicians in U.S. history, died in Montgomery, Alabama, at the age of 79.

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Today----TV producer Fred Silverman is 77, Singer David Clayton-Thomas (Blood, Sweat and Tears) is 73, Author Mildred Taylor is 71, Singer Peter Cetera (Chicago) is 70, Actress Jacqueline Bisset is 70, Actress Jean Smart is 63, Musician Don Was is 62, Singer Randy Jones (The Village People) is 62 and TV host Iyanla Vanzant is 61.

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September 13th is:  Farmers' Consumer Awareness Day, International Drive Your Studebaker Day, International Chocolate Day, Kids Take Over The Kitchen Day, National Celiac Awareness Day, National Day For Remembrance For Aborted Children, National Hollerin' Day, National Iguana Awareness Day, National Peanut Day, Prairie Day and Roald Dahl Day.

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Quip for the day........I can handle pain..........until it hurts.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----pay attention.........

Warning Labels

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcoholic beverage containers:

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your bra.

2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friend over and over again that you love them.

5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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Today is Sunday, September 14th, the 257th day of the year.  There are 108 days left in the year.

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In 1901, 42-year-old Theodore Roosevelt was suddenly elevated to the White House when President McKinley died from wounds of an assassination attack.

In 1944, the Great Atlantic Hurricane passed close to North Carolina and Virginia before heading up the northeastern U.S. coast; nearly 400 people died, mostly at sea.

In 1955, Richard Wayne Penniman, better known as Little Richard, recorded "Tutti Frutti."

In 1982, Princess Grace of Monaco, born Grace Kelly American actress, died from injuries suffered in a car accident at age 52.

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Today-------Author Kate Millet is 80, Actor Walter Koenig is 78, Singer-actress Joey Heatherton is 70, Actor Sam Neill is 67, Singer Jon "Bowzer" Bauman (Sha Na Na) is 67 and Actor Robert Wisdom is 61.

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September 14th is:  Miss America Pageant, National Hug Your Hound Day, National Kreme Filled Donut Day and National Pet Memorial Day.

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Quip for the day......If you don't care where you are, then you can't be lost.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah........

A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.

After some thought, he made a sign that read, "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

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Today is Monday, September 15, the 258th day of the year.  There are 107 days left in the year.

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In 1776, British forces occupied New York City during the American Revolution.

In 1858, the new Overland Mail Company sent out its first two stages, inaugurating mail service between the eastern and western regions of the country.

In 1950, during the Korean War, U.S. Marines landed at Inchon on the west coast of Korea.

In 1958, a commuter train plunged off a bridge into Newark Bay in New Jersey killing 47 passengers.

In 1972, a federal grand jury in Washington indicted seven men in connection with the Watergate break-in.

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Today------Actor Forrest Compton is 89, Actor Henry Darrow is 81, Baseball player Gaylord Perry is 76, Actor Tommy Lee Jones is 68, Movie director Oliver Stone is 68, Opera singer Jessye Norman is 67 and Coach Pete Carroll is 63.

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September 15th is:  Capitol Hill Day, 8-Track Tape Day, Felt Hat Day, Google.com Day, Greenpeace Day, International Day Of Democracy and International Dot Day.

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Quip for the day........Prophesy:  You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.  (groan)

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---good one....

Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.

(KEEP READING)
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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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Today is Tuesday, September 16, the 259th day of the year.  There are 106 days left in the year.

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In 1620, the Mayflower sailed from Plymouth, England, bound for the New World with 102 passengers.

In 1893, more than 100,000 settlers swarmed onto a section of land in Oklahoma known as the "Cherokee Strip."

In 1908, General Motors was founded in Flint, Michigan, by William C. Durant.

In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Selective Training and Service Act.

In 1993, Frasier, a spin-off of the long-running mega-hit sitcom Cheers, made its debut on NBC.

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Today----Actress-singer Janis Paige is 92, Guitarist B.B. King is 89, Basketball player Elgin Baylor is 80, Rhythm-and-blues singer Betty Kelly (Martha & The Vandellas) is 70, Playwright Julia Donaldson is 66, Actor Ed Begley Jr. is 65, Actor Mickey Rourke is 62 and Actor Christopher Rich is 61.

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September 16th is:  Anne Bradstreet Day, Get Ready Day, International Day For The Preservation Of The Ozone Layer, Mayflower Day, National Guacamole Day, Stay Away From Seattle Day, Stepfamily Day and Trail Of Tears Commemoration Day.

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Quip for the day......There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------an old favorite....

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam were walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total."

The Canadian said, "I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will someday be a farmer." So with a blink of the genies eye, POOF, the land was forever fertile.

Osama bin Laden says, "I want a wall completely surrounding Afghanistan so that no Infidels, Jews, or Americans can get in." Again with a blink of the genies eye, POOF, there was a wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam asks, "I'm curious about this wall, please tell me more." "Well" says the genie, "the wall is about 15,000 feet high and 500 feet thick, it is practically impenetrable."

So Uncle Sam says, "I want it filled with water."

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Today is Wednesday, September 17, the 260th day of the year.  There are 105 days left in the year.

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In 1787, the Constitution of the United States was completed and signed by a majority of delegates attending the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia.

In 1868, a large band of Cheyenne and Sioux Indians staged a surprise attack on Major George A. Forsyth and a volunteer force of 50 frontiersmen in Colorado.

In 1937, the likeness of President Abraham Lincoln's head was dedicated at Mount Rushmore.

In 1976, NASA publicly unveiled its first space shuttle, the Enterprise, during a ceremony in Palmdale, California.

In 1996, daytime talk show host Oprah Winfrey launched a television book club and announced "The Deep End Of The Ocean" by Jacquelyn Mitchard as her first selection.

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Today-----Retired Supreme Court Judge David H. Souter is 75, Basketball Hall-of-Fame coach Phil Jackson is 69, Actress Cassandra "Elvira" Peterson is 63 and Comedian Rita Rudner is 61.

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September 17th is:  Citizenship Day, Constitution Day, International Country Music Day, National Rehabilitation Day, School Backpack Awareness Day, Time's Up Day and VFW Ladies Auxillary Day.

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Quip for the day.....Everything east of the San Andreas Fault in California will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah.....

Columbus Day always reminds me of the brave exploration party Columbus assembled in 1492, with all four ships sailing off into the unknown. You remember the names of his four ships: The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria and the Clyde.

You don't hear too much about the Clyde anymore, since that's the one that sailed over the edge.

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Today is Thursday, September 18, the 261st day of the year.  There are 104 days left in the year.

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In 1793, George Washington laid the cornerstone of the United States Capitol building.

In 1927, the Columbia Phonograph Broadcasting System (later CBS) made its on-air debut with a basic network of 16 radio stations.

In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.

In 1975, newspaper heiress Patty Hearst was captured by the FBI in San Francisco, 19 months after being kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

In 1996, Boston Red Sox pitcher Roger Clemens struck out 20 Detroit Tigers, tying his own major league record for most strikeouts in a game.

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Today-----Voice actor June Foray (Rocket J. Squirrel from Rocky and Bullwinkle) is 97, Actor Robert Blake is 81, Actor Fred Willard is 81, Singer Frankie Avalon is 75, Sportscaster Jack Harris is 73, Actress Anna Deavere Smith is 64, Coach Rick Pitino is 62 and Actress Anna Thompson is 61.

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September 18th is:  Air Force Birthday, Chiropractic Founders Day, Hug A Greeting Card Writer Day, National Ceiling Fan Day, National Cheeseburger Day, National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day, National Respect Day and World Water Monitoring Day.

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Quip for the day.....Time doesn't exist.  Clocks exist.

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Larryj