another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----oh no........

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."  Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"  "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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Today is Monday, August 11, the 223rd day of the year.  There are 142 days left in the year.

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In 1856, a hurricane hit the Louisiana coast, killing more than 400 people.  Isle Demiere, a resort community, was totally submerged by the storm surges.

In 1934, the first federal prisoners arrived at Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay.

In 1965, rioting and looting that claimed 34 lives broke out in the Watts area of Los Angeles.

In 1973, "American Graffiti" was released to theaters across the U.S.

In 1975, the U.S. vetoed the proposed admission of North and South Vietnam to the United Nations, following the Security Council's refusal to consider South Korea's application.

In 1994, the longest work stoppage in Major League Baseball history began.  Because of the strike, the 1994 World Series was cancelled.

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Today---Actress Arlene Dahl is 89, Actor Ian McDiarmid is 70, Country singer John Conlee is 68, Singer Eric Carmen (The Raspberries) is 65,  Wrestler-actor Hulk Hogan is 61 and Singer Joe Jackson is 60.

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August 11th is:  Ingersoll Day and Presidential Joke Day.

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Quip for the day.......Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oldie.........

Two gentlemen are sitting on the veranda of the nursing home.  The first says, "Today is my 85th birthday.  The second one says, "To what do you attribute such a long life?"

The first one says, "I've led a clean life.  I was married to the same woman for sixty years.  I never had a drink of alcohol and never smoked tobacco."

Then he says, "How about you?"

The second says, "Well, I never married, but I was with many different women.  I drank a fifth of whiskey every day and I smoked three packs of cigarettes every day."

The first guy is amazed at all this and asks, "Wow!  How old are you?"

The second guy says, "24."

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Today is Tuesday, August 12, the 224th day of the year.  There are 141 days left in the year.

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In 1898, fighting in the Spanish-American War came to an end.

In 1939, the classic MGM movie musical "The Wizard Of Oz," starring Judy Garland, had its world premiere at the Strand Theater in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.

In 1953, the Soviet Union conducted a secret test of its first hydrogen bomb.

In 1960, the first balloon communications satellite - the Echo 1 - was launched by the United States.

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Today------Actor George Hamilton is 75, Larryj is 71, Guitarist Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits) is 65, Actor Jim Beaver is 64, Actor Sam L. Jones is 60 and Guitarist Pat Metheny is 60.

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August 12th is:  IBM PC Day, International Youth Day, Middle Child Day, Sewing Machine Day, Vinyl Record Day and World Elephant Day.

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Quip for the day.....Another year older, none the wiser.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------another "oldie" joke.....

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalized. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money." "Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please....tell me what I can do?"

"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."

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Today is Wednesday, August 13, the 225th day of the year.  There are 140 days left in the year.

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In 1846, the American flag was raised for the first time in Los Angeles.

In 1910, Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing, died in London.

In 1952, "Hound Dog," a song made famous by Elvis Presley in 1956, was first recorded by Ellie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton in Los Angeles.

In 1961, East Germany sealed off the border between Berlin's eastern and western sectors and began building a wall that would stand for the next 28 years.

In 1995, former New York Yankees star Mickey Mantle died of liver cancer at age 63.

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Today-----Actor Pat Harrington is 85, Actor Kevin Tighe is 70, Actress Gretchen Corbett is 67, High wire aerialist Philippe Petit is 65 and Hockey player Bobby Clarke is 65

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August 13th is:  International Left-handers Day.

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Quip for the day.......Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------cute one.....

A guy was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them and then went back to packing.

He looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

He said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my boogie?

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Today is Thursday, August 14, the 226th day of the year.  There are 139 days left in the year.

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In 1909, the Indianapolis Motor Speedway held its first event, a series of motorcycle races.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act into law.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced that Japan had surrendered unconditionally, ending World War II.

In 1971, St. Louis Cardinals ace Bob Gibson threw his first no-hitter in an 11-0 victory over the Pittsburg Pirates.

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Today-------Pulitzer Prize-winning author Russell Baker is 89, Guitarist David Crosby (Crosby, Stills and Nash) is 73, Country singer Connie Smith is 73, Author Lynne Cheney is 73, Comedian-actor Steve Martin is 69, Actress Susan Saint-James is 68, Actor Antonio Fargas is 68, Author Danielle Steel is 67, "Far Side" Cartoonist Gary Larson is 64 and Composer James Horner is 61.

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August 14th is:  National Navajo Code Talkers Day and V-J Day.

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Quip for the day......Whenever I have a problem I ask myself, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----hah..........

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

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Today is Friday, August 15, the 227th day of the year.  There are 138 days left in the year.

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In 1859, Charles Albert Commiskey, namesake of Chicago's Commiskey Park, was born in Chicago.  He went on to become the first and only player to later own a team.

In 1914, the Panama Canal officially opened as the SS Ancon crossed the just-completed waterway between the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.

In 1969, the Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened in upstate New York.

In 1983, Hurricane Alicia formed south of Louisiana in the Gulf of Mexico, slamming into the Texas Gulf Coast three days later.

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Today------Actress Rose Marie is 91, Actor Mike Connors is 89, Actress Pat Priest is 78, Musician Pete York is 72, Actress Phyllis Smith is 65, Actress Tess Harper is 64 and Singer Bobby Caldwell is 63.

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August 15th is:  Best Friends Day, Check The Chip Day, Men's Grooming Day and National Relaxation Day.

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Quip for the day.....I used to think that the brain was the most fascinating part of the body.  Then I thought, "What part of the body is telling me that?"

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one......

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see a Broadway show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

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Today is Saturday, August 16, the 228th day of the year.  There are 137 days left in the year.

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In 1812, Detroit fell to British and Indian forces during the War of 1812.

In 1920, Cleveland Indians shortstop Ray Chapman was struck in the temple by a ball pitched by Carl Mays of the New York Yankees.  He died 12 hours later.  This was the first and only death to occur as a result of a pitched ball in Major League history.

In 1948, baseball legend Babe Ruth died in New York.  He was 53.

In 1954, Sports Illustrated was first published.

In 1962, the Beatles fired their drummer, Pete Best, replacing him with Ringo Starr.

In 1977, Elvis Presley died at his Graceland estate in Tennessee at age 42.

In 1987, a plane crash at Detroit Metropolitan Airport killed 156 people.  A four-year-old girl was the sole survivor of the accident which was caused by pilot error.

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Today----Actress Ann Blyth is 86, Former football player Frank Gifford is 81, Actor Gary Clarke is 81, Actress Julie Newmar is 81, Actress Anita Gillette is 78, Actress Carole Shelley is 75, Actress Leslie Ann Warren is 68, Actor Philip Graham Scott is 62, Actor Reginald Veljohnson is 62, TV personality Kathy Lee Gifford is 61 and Movie director James Cameron is 60.

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August 16th is:  Joe Miller's Joke Day, National Airborne Day, International Geocaching Day, International Homeless Animals Day and World Honey Bee Day.

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Quip for the day.....Any tool dropped while working on your car will roll to the exact center underneath.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---golden oldie........

                      The Eighteen Bottles
     
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else...  I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.  I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.  I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.  I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.  Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am.  I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.  I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

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Today is Sunday, August 17, the 229th day of the year.  There are 136 days left in the year.

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In 1807, Robert Fulton's North River Steamboat began heading up the Hudson River on its successful round trip between New York and Albany.

In 1863, Federal batteries and ships began bombarding Fort Sumter in Charleston harbor during the Civil War, but the Confederates held on despite several days of bombardments.

In 1877, teenager Billy the Kid shot and wounded an Arizona blacksmith who died the next day.  He was the famous outlaw's first victim.

In 1969, Hurricane Camille slammed into the Mississippi coast as a Category 5 storm that was blamed for 256 deaths.

In 1969, the grooviest event in music history, the Woodstock Music Festival, drew to a close after three days of peace, love and Rock 'n' Roll.

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Today----Actress Maureen O'Hara is 94, Former Major League Baseball player John "Boog" Powell is 73, Actor Robert De Niro is 71, Actress Jennifer Rhodes is 67, Actor Robert Joy is 63 and Race car driver Nelson Piquet is 62.

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August 17th is:  Black Cat Appreciation Day, Meaning of "Is" Day and National Thrift Shop Day.

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Quip for the day.........Family is like fudge.......mostly sweet with a few nuts.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oops.......

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3×3?" Johnny: "9?
Principal: "What is 6×6?" Johnny: "36?

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade," The teacher says to the principal, "let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Johnny, after a moment, "legs". Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal' eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied,"pockets".

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions."

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Today is Monday, August 18, the 230th day of the year.  There are 135 days left in the year.

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In 1587, Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents to be born in present-day America, on what is now Roanoke Island in North Carolina.

In 1590, John White, the governor of Roanoke Island, returned from a supply tip to England to find the settlement deserted.

In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson issued his Proclamation of Neutrality, aimed at keeping the United States out of World War I.

In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, guaranteeing all American women the right to vote, was ratified as Tennessee became the 36th state to approve it.

In 1992, celebrated Boston Celtics forward Larry Bird retired.

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Today-----Movie director Roman Polanski is 81, Olympian Rafer Johnson is 79,  Actor-director Robert Redford is 78, Actor-comedian Martin Mull is 71, Actor Joseph Marcell is 66 and Comedian Elayne Boosler
is 62.

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August 18th is:  Bad Poetry Day, Birth Control Pills Day, Cupcake Day, Mail Order Catalog Day and Serendipity Day.

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Quip for the day.......Suburbia:  A place where they tear out all of the trees and then name the streets after them.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.....

Pete and John had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

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Today is Tuesday, August 19, the 231st day of the year.  There are 134 days left in the year.

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In 1812, the USS Constitution defeated the British frigate HMS Guerriere during the War of 1812, earning the nickname "Old Ironsides."

In 1814, during the War of 1812, British forces landed at Benedict, Maryland, with the objective of capturing Washington, D.C.

In 1895, John Wesley Hardin, one of the bloodiest killers in the Old West, was murdered by an off duty policeman in a saloon in El Paso, Texas.

In 1960, in the USSR, captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers was sentenced to 10 years imprisonment for his confessed espionage.

In 1964, the Beatles opened their first full-fledged U.S. tour.

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Today-----Drummer Ginger Baker (Cream, Blind Faith) is 75, Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson is 72, Singer Ian Gillian (Deep Purple) is 69, former President Bill Clinton is 68, Actor Gerald McRaney is 67, Actor Jim Carter is 66, Bassist John Deacon (Queen) is 63 and Actor Jonathan Frakes is 62.

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August 19th is:  Aviation Day, "Black Cow" Root Beer Float Day and World Humanitarian Day.

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Quip for the day......."More hay, Trigger?  No, thanks, Roy.  I'm stuffed."
(if this doesn't make sense to you, I'll explain.  A museum dedicated to Roy was opened in Victorville, CA, and a larger than life stuffed Trigger was put on display at the entrance.)

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----late, wife had an operation.....she's fine......

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

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Today is Wednesday, August 20, the 232nd day of the year.  There are 133 days left in the year.

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In 1866, President Andrew Johnson formally declared the Civil War over.

In 1911, a dispatcher in the New York Times office sent the first telegram around the world via commercial service.

In 1920, seven men, including the legendary all-around athlete and football player Jim Thorpe, met to organize a professional football league in Canton, Ohio.

In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Economic Opportunity Act, a nearly $1 billion anti-poverty measure.

In 1977, the U.S. launched Voyager 2, an unmanned spacecraft carrying a phonograph record containing greetings in dozens of languages.

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Today------Writer-director-producer Walter Bernstein is 95, Boxing promoter Don King is 83, Actor Sylvester McCoy is 71, Broadcast journalist Connie Chung is 68, Actor Ray Wise is 67, Actor John Noble is 66, Rock singer Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin) is 66, Basketball player Quinn Buckner is 60 and Actor Don Stark is 60.

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August 20th is:  Earth Overshoot Day or Ecological Debt Day, National Medical Dosimetrist Day and National Radio Day.

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Quip for the day......I will get it done when I get it done.

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Larryj