another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----old groaner.......

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a 'funeral director.' After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained.........

(are you ready?{

'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

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Today is Friday, August 1, the 213th day of the year.  There are 152 days left in the year.

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In 1907, the U.S. Army Signal Corps established an aeronautical division, the forerunner of the U.S. Air Force.

In 1913, the Joyce Kilmer poem "Trees" was first published in "Poetry:  A Magazine Of Verse."

In 1936, the Olympics opened in Berlin.

In 1953, "Shane," considered by many critics to be the greatest western movie, was released by Paramount Pictures.

In 1981, MTV went on the air for the first time.

In 2007, the eight-lane Interstate 35W bridge, a major Minneapolis artery, collapsed into the Mississippi River during evening rush hour, killing 13 people.

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Today----Actor-director Geoffrey Holder is 84, Singer Ramblin' Jack Elliot is 83, Actor Giancarlo Giannini is 72, Actress Laila Morse is 69 and Singer Robert Cray is 61.

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August 1st is:  Braham Pie Day, Girlfriend's Day, India Pale Ale Beer Day, National Minority Donor Awareness Day, Respect For Parents, Rounds Resounding Day, Spider-Man Day, U.S. Air Force Day, Tomboy Tools Day, Twins Day (1-3), World Lung Cancer Day, World Wide Web Day, World Scout Scarf Day and International Beer Day.

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Quip for the day.....We got rid of the kids...................the cat was allergic.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.......

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

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Today is Saturday, August 2, the 214th day of the year.  There are 151 days left in the year.

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In 1776, members of the Continental Congress began attaching their signatures to the Declaration of Independence.

In 1873, inventor Andrew S. Halidie successfully tested a cable car he had designed for the city of San Francisco.

In 1876, "Wild Bill" Hickok was murdered in a saloon in Deadwood, South Dakota.

In 1943, during World War II, U.S. Navy boat PT-109, commanded by Lt. John F. Kennedy, sank after being rammed in the middle of the night by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri off the Solomon Islands.  Two crew members were killed.

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Today----Movie director Wes Craven is 75, Author Isabelle Allende is 72, Singer Kathy Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 71, Actor Max Wright is 71, Actress Joanna Cassidy is 69, Actress Kathryn Harrold is 64 and Actor Butch Patrick is 61.

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August 2nd is:  International Hangover Day, Mead Day, National Mustard Day and Take A Penny/Leave A Penny Day.

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Quip for the day.........I was going to make you a rum cake, but now it's just a cake and I'm drunk.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oldie but goodie.......

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney's larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What's that!" In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge". "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."  The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."

Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply. "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge.

They walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.
Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?" The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

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Today is Sunday, August 3, the 215th day of the year.  There are 150 days left in the year.

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In 1863, the first thoroughbred horse races were held at the Saratoga Race Course in Saratoga Springs, N.Y.

In 1936, Jesse Owens got the first of his four U.S. gold medals at the Berlin Olympics as he won the 100-meter sprint.

In 1949, after a damaging three-year battle to win both players and fans, the rival Basketball Association of America and the National Basketball League merged to form the National Basketball Association.

In 1958, the U.S. nuclear submarine Nautilus accomplished the first under sea voyage to the geographic North Pole.

In 1996, "Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix)" reached the #1 spot on the Billboard pop chart.

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Today......Author P.D. James is 94, Singer Tony Bennett is 88, Talk show host Terry Wogan is 76, Actor Martin Sheen is 74, Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart is 73, Singer Beverly Lee (The Shirelles) is 73, Director John Landis is 64, Actor Jay North is 63 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Marcel Dionne is 63.

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August 3rd is: National Doll Day, National Kids Day, Sister's Day and Watermelon Day.

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Quip for the day...If you are not the lead dog....the scenery never changes.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oh no.......

Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the bad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left.

"All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did.

But after hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.

"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear.

"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning.  You don't!"

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Today is Monday, August 4, the 216th day of the year.  There are 149 days left in the year.

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In 1735, a jury found John Peter Zenger of the New York Weekly Journal not guilty of committing seditious libel against the colonial governor of New York, William Cosby.

In 1790, the Coast Guard had its beginnings as the Revenue Cutter Service.

In 1936, American Olympian Jesse Owens won his second gold medal in the long jump at the Summer Olympics in Berlin.

In 1944, 15-year-old diarist Anne Frank was arrested with her sister, parents and four others by the Gestapo after hiding for two years inside a building in Amsterdam.  Anne and her sister, Margot, died the following year at the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp.

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Today------Singer Kishore Kumar is 85, Comedian Paul Mooney is 73, Actor-comedian Richard Belzer is 70, Artist Paul McCarthy is 69, Coach Roy Hodgson is 67 and Football player John Riggins is 65.

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August 4th is:  Coast Guard Day, National Psychic Day, National Chocolate Chip Day, Single Working Women's Day, Social Security Day and Assistance Dog Day.

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Quip for the day....Today has been canceled.  Go back to bed.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah.....

When I got to work Monday, I was limping somewhat noticeably. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.

I told him, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football injury that acts up once in a while."

My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, "Gee, I never knew you played football."

I said, "Well, I don't. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on the New York Jets. I put my foot through the television..."

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Today is Tuesday, August 5, the 217th day of the year.  There are 148 days left in the year.

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In 1884, the cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty was laid on Bedloe's Island in New York Harbor.

In 1914, the world's first electric traffic signal was put in place on the corner of Euclid Avenue and East 105th Street in Cleveland, Ohio.

In 1957, Dick Clark's "American Bandstand" began broadcasting nationally.

In 1962, actress Marilyn Monroe, 36, was found dead in her Los Angeles home; her death was ruled a probable suicide from "acute barbiturate poisoning."

In 1962, South African anti-apartheid activist Nelson Mandela was arrested; it was the beginning of 27 years of imprisonment.

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Today-------Actor John Saxon is 79, Country songwriter Bobby Braddock is 74, Actress Loni Anderson is 69, Actress Erika Slezak is 68, Rock singer Rick Derringer is 67, Actress Holly Palance is 64 and Actress Chip Fields is 63.

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August 5th is:  National Night Out, National Oyster Day and National Underwear Day.

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Quip for the day.....All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----ouch..........

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

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Today is Wednesday, August 6, the 218th day of the year.  There are 147 days left in the year.

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In 1862, the Confederate Ironclad CSS Arkansas was scuttled by its crew on the Mississippi River to prevent capture by the Union.

In 1926, Gertrude Ederle became the first woman to swim the English Channel.

In 1945, during World War II, the United States dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, resulting in an estimated 140,000 deaths.

In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act.

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Today-----Actress Barbara Windsor is 77, Actor-director Peter Bonnerz is 76, Actress Louise Sorel is 74, Actor Michael Anderson Jr. is 71, Guitarist Alan Holdsworth is 68, Actress Catherine Hicks is 63 and Guitarist Vinnie Vincent (KISS) is 62,

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August 6th is:  Hiroshima Day, National Fresh Breath (Halitosis) Day and National Root Beer Float Day.

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Quip for the day.......I always keep a well-balanced diet.......a cookie in each hand.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------so true.....

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TROUBLE WHEN......

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

They pay your wages out of petty cash.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.

Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

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Today is Thursday, August 7, the 219th day of the year.  There are 146 days left in the year.

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In 1782, Gen. George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart, a decoration to recognize merit in enlisted men and noncommissioned officers.

In 1789, the U.S. War Department was  established by Congress.

In 1882, the famous feud between the Hatfields of West Virginia and the McCoys of Kentucky erupted into full-scale violence.

In 1942, the U.S. 1st Marine Division began landing at Guadalcanal in the Solomon Islands.

In 1959, the U.S. launched the Explorer 6 satellite.

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Today------Magician-author-lecturer James Randi is 86, Actress Verna Bloom is 75, Humorist Garrison Keillor is 72, Actor Tobin Bell is 72, Country singer B.J. Thomas is 72, Actor John Glover is 70, Country singer Rodney Crowell is 64 and Actress Caroline Aaron is 62.

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August 7th is:  Lighthouse Day, Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day and Purple Heart Day.

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Quip for the day......When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------so true......

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have a nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

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Today is Friday, August 8, the 220th day of the year.  There are 145 days left in the year.

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In 1814, during the War of 1812, peace talks between the United States and Britain began in Ghent, Belgium.

In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon announced his resignation, effective the next day, following damaging new revelations in the Watergate scandal.

In 1978, the U.S. launched Pioneer Venus 2.

In 1988, the Chicago Cubs hosted the first night game in the history of Wrigley Field.

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Today---Actor Richard Anderson is 88, Country singer-songwriter Mel Tillis is 82, Producer Donald P. Bellisario is 79, Actor Dustin Hoffman is 77, Actress Connie Stevens is 76, Comedian Willie P. Richardson is 67, Actor Keith Carradine is 65 and Actor Danny Most is 61.

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August 8th is:  International Cat Day, Kool-Aid Day, The Date To Create, Happiness Happens Day, Odie Day, Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night and Worldwide Art Day.

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Quip for the day......Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------words of wisdom.......

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die".

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".

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Today is Saturday, August 9, the 221st day of the year.  There are 144 days left in the year.

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In 1854, Henry David Thoreau's "Walden" was first published.

In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an executive order nationalizing silver.

In 1945, three days after the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, Japan, the United States exploded a nuclear device over Nagasaki.

In 1969, actress Sharon Tate and four other people were found brutally slain at Tate's home in Los Angeles.

In 1974, minutes after the official resignation of President Richard M. Nixon, Vice President Gerald R. Ford was sworn in as the 38th President of the United States.

In 1976, Hurricane Belle turned toward the United States from the Bahamas.  By the time the storm had run its course, it killed 12 people and caused $24 million in damages from North Carolina to Vermont.

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Today----Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Cousy is 86, Actress Cynthia Harris is 80, Actor Sam Elliott is 70, Journalist John Simpson is 70 and Singer Barbara Mason is 67.

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August 9th is:  International Day Of The World's Indigenous People, Veep Day, National Garage Sale Day and National Bowling Day.

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Quip for the day....the definition of job placement is telling you boss what he can do with your job.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----I always liked this one.......

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.  "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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Today is Sunday, August 10, the 222nd day of the year.  There are 143 days left in the year.

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In 1821, Missouri entered the Union as the 24th State and was the first located entirely west of the Mississippi River.

In 1846, President James K. Polk approved creation of the Smithsonian Institution.

In 1921, Franklin D. Roosevelt was stricken with polio at his summer home at Campobello.

In 1949, the National Military Establishment was renamed the Department of Defense.

In 1969, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca were murdered in their Los Angeles home by Charles Mansion's cult members, one day after actress Sharon Tate and four other people were slain.

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Today------Actress Rhonda Fleming is 91, Baseball player Rocky Colavito is 81, Actress Lynn Cohen is 81, Fashion designer Betsey Johnson is 72, Singer Ronnie Spector is 71, Rock singer-musician Ian Anderson (Jethro Tull) is 67, Singer Patti Austin is 64, Actor Hugh Kelly is 62 and Artist Schim Schimmel is 60.

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August 10th is:  National Duran Duran Appreciation Day, Smithsonian Day and S'mores Day.

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Quip for the day.....Some day my ship will come in and with my luck I'll be at the airport.

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Larryj