another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----and another......

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back –WHACK!!!– He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

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Today is Wednesday, July 23, the 204th day of the year.  There are 161 days left in the year.

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In 1885, Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died at age 63.

In 1914, Austria-Hungary presented a list of demands to Serbia following the killing of Archduke Franz Ferdinand by a Serb assassin; Serbia's refusal to agree to the entire ultimatum led to World War I.

In 1967, a week of deadly race-related rioting that claimed 43 lives erupted in Detroit.

In 1982, actor Vic Morrow and two child actors were killed in an accident involving a helicopter during the filming of Twilight Zone: The Movie.

In 1984, Vanessa Williams became the first Miss America to resign her title.

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Today-----Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy is 78, Radio personality Don Imus is 74, Singer David Essex is 67 and Actress Edie McClurg is 63.

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July 23rd is:  Gorgeous Grandma Day and Hot Enough For Ya Day.

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Quip for the day......To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----fitting for the day.........

One day God called the Pope, and he said "John Paul, I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion".

The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked "What's the bad news?".

God said, "The bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City."

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Today is Thursday, July 24, the 205th day of the year.  There are 160 days left in the year.

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In 1832, Benjamin Bonneville, an inept fur trade who some speculate may have actually been a spy, led the first wagon train across the Rocky Mountains at Wyoming's South Pass.

In 1847, Brigham Young led 148 Mormon pioneers into Utah's Valley of the Great Salt Lake.

In 1866, Tennessee became the first state to be readmitted to the Union after the Civil War.

In 1915, the steamer Eastland overturned in the Chicago River, drowning between 800-850 of its passengers who were headed to a picnic.

In 1974, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Nixon had to turn over subpoenaed White House tape recordings to the Watergate special prosecutor.

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Today----Actor John Anniston is 81, Actress Ruth Buzzi is 78, Actor Chris Sarandon is 72, Comedian Gallagher is 68, Actor Robert Hays is 67, Actor Michael Richards is 65 and Actress Lynda Carter is 63.

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July 24th is:  Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints Pioneer Day, Cousins Day, National Drive-thru Day and Tell An Old Joke Day.

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Quip for the day.......The easiest way to determine the cost of living:  Take your income and add ten percent.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------another favorite....

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw?

He said, "I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day."

He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day.

The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was.

The hillbilly jumped back and said, "What the heck is that noise?"

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Today is Friday, July 25, the 206th day of the year.  There are 159 days left in the year.

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In 1832, the first recorded railroad accident occurred when four people were thrown off a vacant car on the Granite Railway near Quincy, Massachusetts.

In 1861, the U.S. Congress passed the Crittenden-Johnson Resolution declaring that the war was being waged for the reunion of the states and not to interfere with the institutions of the South, namely slavery.

In 1917, in Paris, France, the exotic dancer Mata Hari was sentenced to death by a French court for spying on Germany's behalf during World War I.

In 1960, a Woolworth's store in Greensboro, North Carolina, that had been the scene of a sit-in protest against its whites-only lunch counter dropped its segregation policy.

In 1978, Louise Joy Brown, the first "test tube baby," was born in Oldham, England; she'd been conceived through the technique of in-vitro fertilization.

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Today----Actress Barbara Harris is 79, Coach John Robinson is 79, Basketball player Nate Thurmond is 73, Rock musician Jim McCarty (The Yardbirds) is 71 and Singer Rita Marley is 68.

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July 25th is:  Carousel Day or Merry-Go-Round Day, Thread The Needle Day, Lumberjack Day, National Talk In An Elevator Day, System Administrator Appreciation Day and Video Games Day.

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Quip for the day.......We don't stop laughing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop laughing.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah.......

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"

Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."

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Today is Saturday, July 26, the 207th day of the year.  There are 158 days left in the year.

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In 1775, The U.S. Postal Service was established with Benjamin Franklin becoming the first post-master general.

In 1878, attempting to preserve the peace in Dodge City, assistant marshal Wyatt Earp traded shots with a band of drunken cowboys fatally wounding one of them.

In 1908, the Federal Bureau of Investigation was created.

In 1931, a swarm of grasshoppers descended on crops throughout Iowa, Nebraska and South Dakota, devastating millions of acres.

In 1989, Mark Wellman, a 29-year-old paraplegic, reached the summit of El Capitan in Yosemite National Park after hauling himself up the granite cliff six inches at a time over a period of nine days.

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Today-----Football player Bob Lilly is 75, Singer Brenton Wood is 73, Rock star Mick Jagger is 71, Actress Helen Mirren is 69, Astronaut William Shepherd is 65, Drummer Roger Meadows Taylor (Queen) is 65 and Actress Susan George is 64.

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July 26th is: One Voice, National Dance Day, National Day Of The Cowboy and Paddle For Perthes Disease Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.........Laugh with people, not at them.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah.....

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No, sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

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Today is Sunday, July 27, the 208th day of the year.  There are 157 days left in the year.

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In 1953, the Korean War armistice was signed at Panmunjom, ending three years of fighting.

In 1967, President Lyndon B. Johnson appointed the Kerner Commission to assess the causes of urban rioting; the same day black militant H.Rap Brown said in Washington that violence was "as American as cherry pie."

In 1974, the House Judiciary Committee recommended that America's 37th president Richard M. Nixon be impeached and removed from office.

In 1996, terror struck the Atlanta Olympics as a pipe bomb exploded at Centennial Olympic Park, directly killing one person and injuring 111.

In 2003, legendary actor-comedian Bob Hope died at age 100 in Toluca Lake, California.

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Today-----TV producer Norman Lear is 92, Actor Jerry Van Dyke is 83, Sportscaster Irv Cross is 75, Actor John Pleshette is 72, Singer Bobbie Gentry is 70, Director Betty Thomas is 66, Olympic gold medal figure skater Peggy Fleming is 66, Singer Maureen McGovern is 65 and Actress Roxanne Hart is 62.

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July 27th is:  Aunties Day, Barbie-in-a-blender Day, National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day, Parents' Day, Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day and Walk On Stilts Day.

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Quip for the day......There are three way to get something done:  do it yourself, hire someone to do it for you or forbid your kids to do it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------a quickie......

There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass.
The first cow said "Moo."
And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."

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Today is Monday, July 28, the 209th day of the year.  There are 156 days left in the year.

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In 1868, following its ratification by the necessary three-quarters of the states, the 14th Amendment, guaranteeing to African-Americans citizenship and all its privileges, was officially adopted into the U.S. Constitution.

In 1932, federal troops forcibly dispersed the so-called "Bonus Army" of World War I veterans who had gathered in Washington, D.C., to demand payments they weren't scheduled to receive until 1945.

In 1945, a United States military plane crashed into the Empire State Building during a heavy fog killing 14 people.

In 1945, the U.S. Senate ratified the United Nations Charter by a vote of 89-2.

In 1984, the Los Angeles Summer Olympics opened.

In 1991, Dennis Martinez of the Montreal Expos pitched a perfect game in a 2-0 win over the Los Angeles Dodgers.

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Today-----Movie director Andrew V. McLaglen is 94, Actor Darryl Hickman is 83, Actor Phil Proctor is 74, Actor Peter Cullen is 73, Baseball player Bill Bradley is 71, Cartoonist Jim Davis is 69, Actress Sally Struthers is 67, Drummer Simon Kirke is 65 and Baseball player Vida Blue is 65.

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July 28th is:  Buffalo Soldiers Day, National Milk Chocolate Day and World Hepatitis Day.

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Quip for the day.......Every morning when I get up I read the "Richest People In America" list.  If I'm not on it, I go to work.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one......

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

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Today is Tuesday, July 29, the 210th day of the year.  There are 155 days left in the year.

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In 1909, the newly formed General Motors Corporation acquired the Cadillac Automobile Company for $4.5 million.

In 1958, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the National Aeronautics and Space Act, creating NASA.

In 1967, The Doors scored their first #hit with "Light My Fire."

In 1981, Britain's Prince Charles married Lady Diana Spencer at St. Paul's Cathedral in London.  (However, they divorced in 1996.)

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Today-------Comedian "Professor" Irwin Corey is 100, Actor Robert Horton is 90, Actor Robert Fuller is 81, Actor David Warner is 73, Author Sharon Creech is 69, Actor Mike Starr is 64, Documentary maker Ken Burns is 61, Singer Geddy Lee (Rush) is 61, TV show host Tim Gunn is 61 and Singer Patti Scialfa (E Street Band) is 61.

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July 29th is: Lasagna Day, National Chicken Wing Day, Rain Day and Larryj's 40th wedding anniversary.

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Quip for the day.......A man's idea of helping with the housework is lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

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Larryj

[Warph]

     Larry... Happy 40th Anniversary

[larryJ]

Thanks, old buddy....

Today's------groaner.....

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.

Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

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Today is Wednesday, July 30, the 211th day of the year.  There are 154 days left in the year.

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In 1932, the Summer Olympics opened in Los Angeles.

In 1953, the Small Business Association was founded.

In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a measure making "In God We Trust" the national motto, replacing "E Pluribus Unum" ("Out Of Many, One.")

In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law the Medicare bill, which went into effect the following year.

In 1966, the Troggs took their signature hit, "Wild Thing", to #1.

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Today-----Actor Richard Johnson is 87, Actor Edd Kookie Byrnes is 81, Guitarist Buddy Guy is 78, Singer Paul Anka is 73, Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger is 67, Actor Jean Reno is 66 and Actor Frank Stallone is 64.

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July 30th is:  Cheesecake Day, Father-in-law Day, Friendship Day, Health Care Now! Medicare's Birthday, International Day Of Friendship, National Support Public Education Day and Paperback Book Day.

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Quip for the day......Over the hill is better than under it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----funny......

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend. "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

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Today is Thursday, July 31, the 212th day of the year.  There are 153 days left in the year.

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In 1875, former President Andrew Johnson, who became president when Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, died of a stroke at his daughter's home in Tennessee.

In 1964, the space probe Ranger reached the moon.

In 1973, Delta Airlines Flight 723, a DC-9, crashed while trying to land at Boston's Logan Airport, killing all 89 people on board.

In 1975, James Riddle (Jimmy) Hoffa disappeared in Detroit, Michigan, never to be heard from again.

In 1991, President George H.W. Bush and Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev signed the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty in Moscow.

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Today-----Actor Don Murray is 85, Jazz composer-musician Kenny Burrell is 83, Actress Susan Flannery is 75, Actress Geraldine Chaplin is 70, Singer Gary Lewis is 69, Actor Barry Van Dyke is 63, Composer Michael Wolff is 62, Actor Alan Autry is 62 and Actor James Read is 61.

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July 31st is:  Bratwurst Day (7/31-8/2), National Chili Hot Dog Day, Uncommon Instruments  Awareness Day and World Ranger Day.

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Quip for the day......My wife, single-handedly, tries to save the economy every time she goes shopping.

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Larryj