another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----funny one.......

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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Today is July 3, the 184th day of the year.  There are 181 days left in the year.

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In 1775, Gen. George Washington took command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, Massachusetts.

In 1863, the three-day Civil War Battle of Gettysburg in Pennsylvania ended in a major victory for the North as Confederate troops failed to breach Union positions during an assault known as Pickett's Charge.

In 1890, Idaho became the 43rd state of the Union.

In 1971, singer Jim Morrison of The Doors died in Paris at age 27.

In 2012, actor Andy Griffith died at his home in North Carolina at age 86.

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Today-----Actor Tim O'Connor is 87, Astronaut Harrison Schmitt is 79, Playwright Tom Stoddard is 77, Lawyer Gloria Allred is 73, Actor Kurtwood Smith is 71, Actress Lynn Cohen is 70, Country singer Johnny Lee is 68, Actress Betty Buckley is 67, Author Dave Barry is 67 and Actress Jane Smithers is 65.

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July 3rd is:  Compliment Your Mirror Day, Earth At Aphelion, International Plastic Bag Free Day, Stay Out Of The Sun Day, Roswell UFO Days 3-6 and Superman Day.

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Quip for the day.....If that annoying sound coming from your car really bothers you, crank up the volume on the radio.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----old but funny........

Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way to the final test.
   
So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says, "No way." So the director says, "You fail."
   
The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director says, "You fail."
   
So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?"

Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."

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Today is Friday, July 4, the 185th day of the year.  There are 180 days left in the year.

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In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was adopted by delegates to the Second Continental Congress.

In 1802, the United States Military Academy officially opened at West Point.

In 1826, former Presidents Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died on the same day with five hours of each other.

In 1911, record temperatures were set in the Northeastern United States as a heat wave hit the area killing 380 people.

In 1939, Lou Gehrig of the New York Yankees delivered his famous farewell speech in which he called himself "the luckiest man on the face of the earth."

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Today----Actress Eva Marie Saint is 90, Actress Gina Lollobrigida is 87, Playwright Neil Simon is 87, Singer-songwriter Bill Withers is 76, Former football player Floyd Little is 72, Broadcast journalist Geraldo Rivera is 71, Singer Jeremy Spencer (Fleetwood Mac) is 66 and Rhythm-and-blues musician Ralph Johnson (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 63.

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July 4th is:  Boom Box Parade Day, Indivisible Day and Independence Day.

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Quip for the day......If I had to live my life all over again, I'd make the same mistakes.......only sooner.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----uh oh........

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.

"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."

When he heard this, the other child started to cry.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm here for a urine test."

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Today is Saturday, July 5, the 186th day of the year.  There are 179 days left in the year.

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In 1865, William Booth founded the Salvation Army in London.

in 1896, the famous outlaw Bill Doolin escaped from an Oklahoma jail after only a few months of captivity.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Labor Relations Act.

In 1946, French designer Louis Reard unveiled the two-piece swimsuit in Paris, later dubbed the "bikini."

In 1954, Elvis Presley's first commercial recording session took place in Memphis, Tennessee, when he recorded "That's all right, Mama."

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Today-------Actress Katherine Helmond is 86, Actress Shirley Knight is 78, Photographer Chuck Close is 74, Fashion designer Paul Smith is 68, Talk show host Judge Joe Brown is 67, Rock star Huey Lewis is 64 and Astronaut Terence Henricks is 62.

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July 5th is:  Bikini Day, Hop A Park Day, International Day Of Cooperation and International Cherry Pit Spitting Day.

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Quip for the day......Is there life before coffee?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oops........

A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.

"For example," the Judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket. Then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom."

When the Judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?"

"What?" exclaimed the Judge. "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first one," replied his wife, "he knew exactly where it was."

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Today is Sunday, July 6, the 187th day of the year.  There are 178 days left in the year.

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In 1777, during the American Revolution, British forces captured Fort Ticonderoga.

In 1854, the first official meeting of the Republican Party took place in Jackson, Michigan.

In 1933, Major League Baseball's first All-Star Game took place at Chicago's Comiskey Park.

In 1957, Althea Gibson defeated Darlene Hard, 6-3, 6-2, to become the first African-American to win Wimbledon.

In 1971, world renown jazz trumpeter, Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong, who help create what became known as swing, died at age 69.

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Today-----Former First Lady Nancy Reagan is 93, Actor William Schallert is 92, Singer-actress Della Reese is 83, Actor Ned Beatty is 77, Actor Burt Ward is 69, Actor Sylvester Stallone is 68, Actor Fred Dryer is 68, Actress Shelley Hack is 67, Songwriter Libby Titus is 67, Actor Geoffrey Rush is 63, Singer Nancy Griffith is 61, Actress Allyce Beasley is 60 and Former baseball player Jason Thompson is 60.

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July 6th is:  International Kissing Day and Take Your Webmaster To Lunch Day.

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Quip for the day........Four signs of old age:  1. Forgetting names. 2. Forgetting faces. 3. Forgetting to zip up.
........................................................................4. Forgetting to zip down.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----uh oh........

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."

The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

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Today is Monday, July 7, the 188th day of the year.  There are 177 days left in the year.

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In 1846, U.S. annexation of California was proclaimed at Monterey after surrender of a Mexican garrison.

In 1865, Mary Surratt was executed by the U.S. government for her role as a conspirator in President Abraham Lincoln's assassination.

In 1898, the U.S. annexed Hawaii.

In 1930, construction of Hoover Dam began.  Over the next five years, a total of 21,000 men worked to produce the largest dam of the time.

In 1954, Elvis Presley made his radio debut as a Memphis, Tennessee, station played his first recording for Sun Records, "That's All Right, Mama."

In 2009, some 20,000 people gathered inside Staples Center in Los Angeles for a memorial service honoring Michael Jackson.

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Today---Musician-conductor Doc Severinsen is 87, Author David McCullough is 81, Musician Ringo Starr is 74, Comedian Bill Oddie is 73 and Actress Shelley Duvall is 65.

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July 7th is:  Chocolate Day, Father-Daughter Take A Walk Together Day, Global Forgiveness Day and Tell The Truth Day.

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Quip for the day.....If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.......

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

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Today is Tuesday, July 8, the 189th day of the year.  There are 176 days left in the year. 

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In 1776, in Philadelphia, the Liberty Bell rang from the tower of the Pennsylvania State House (now known as Independence Hall) summoning citizens to the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence.

In 1853, an expedition led by Commodore Matthew Perry arrived in Yedo Bay, Japan, on a mission to seek diplomatic and trade relations with the Japanese.

In 1889, The Wall Street Journal was first published.

In 1947, demolition work began in New York City to make way for the new permanent headquarters of the United Nations.

In 1959, Maj. Dale R. Ruis and Master Sgt. Chester M. Ovnand became the first Americans killed in the American phase of the Vietnam War when guerillas struck a MAAG Compound in Bien Hoa.

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Today------Singer Steve Lawrence is 79, Actor Jeffrey Tambor is 70, Chef Wolfgang Puck is 65, Baseball player Alan Ashby is 63, Actress Anjelica Huston is 63, Author Christopher G. Moore is 62 and Author Marianne Williamson is 62.

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July 8th is:  Math 2.0 Day and SCUD Day (Save The Comics, Unplug The Drama).

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Quip for the day.....I am going to name my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete.  That way when they screw up, I can just hit them all at once.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----funny.......

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.

Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs.

They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee.

"Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can't believe it."

"What can't you believe ?" asked the detective, "It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log."

"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun."

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Today is Wednesday, July 9, the 190th day of the year.  There are 175 days left in the year.

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In 1850, Zachary Taylor, the 12th President of the United States, died suddenly from an attack of Cholera.

In 1918, 101 people were killed in a train collision in Nashville, Tennessee.

In 1918, the Distinguished Service Cross was established by an Act of Congress.

In 1938, Supreme Court Justice Benjamin Cardozo died in Port Chester, New York, at age 68.

In 1944, during World War II, American forces secured Saipan as the last Japanese defenses fell.

In 1947, in a ceremony held at the Pentagon, General Dwight D. Eisenhower appointed Florence Blanchfield to be a Lieutenant Colonel in the U.S. Army making her the first woman in U.S. history to hold permanent military rank.

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Today----Singer Ed Ames is 87, Baseball player Hector Lopez is 85, Neurologist and author Oliver Sacks is 81, Actor Richard Wilson is 78, Actor Brian Dennehy is 76, Actor Richard Roundtree is 72, Author Dean Koontz is 69, Football Hall-of-Famer O.J. Simpson is 67, Actor Chris Cooper is 63 and Pianist John Tesh is 62.

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July 9th is:  Fashion Day, Fresh Air For Your Houseplants Day, Intern Appreciation Day, National Sugar Cookie Day and Rock Around The Clock Day.

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Quip for the day....(saw this on a t-shirt yesterday)......I'm not anti-social, I'm anti-stupid.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---another funny one.........

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon, darlin?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darlin, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your Mama these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

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Today is Thursday, July 10, the 191st day of the year.  There are 174 days left in the year.

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In 1890, Wyoming became the 44th state.

In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson personally delivered the Treaty of Versailles to the Senate and urged its ratification.  However, the Senate rejected it.

In 1925, in Dayton, Tennessee, the so-called "Monkey Trial" began with John Thomas Scopes, a young high school science teacher, accused of teaching evolution in violation of Tennessee state law.

In 1929, American paper currency was reduced in size as the government began issuing bills that were approximately 25 percent smaller.

In 1941, Jelly Roll Morton, a native of New Orleans who became the first great jazz pianist, composer, arranger and band leader, died in Los Angeles.

In 1999, the U.S. women's soccer team won the World Cup at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena.

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Today--------Former boxer Jake LaMotta is 93, Actor William Smithers is 87, Broadway composer Jerry Herman is 83, Director Ivan Passer is 81, Actor Robert Pine is 73, Actor Ron Glass is 69, Singer Arlo Guthrie is 67, Actress Phyllis Smith is 63, Actress Mindy Sterling is 61 and Singer Neil Tennant is 60.

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July 10th is:  Don't Step On A Bee Day, Hot Dog Night, Pina Colada Day and Teddy Bears' Picnic Day.

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Quip for the day.......seen on a baby's bib...........SPIT HAPPENS!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------gotcha...

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!" "Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?"

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!"

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Today is Friday, July 11, the 192nd day of the year.  There are 173 days left in the year.

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In 1656, Ann Austin and Mary Fisher, two English women, became the first Quakers to immigrate to the American colonies landing at Boston.

In 1804, in a duel held in Weehawken, New Jersey, Vice President Aaron Burr shot his long time political antagonist Alexander Hamilton.  Hamilton died the next day.

In 1914, Babe Ruth made his Major League debut, pitching the Boston Red Sox to a 4-3 victory over Cleveland.

In 1922, the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles officially opened.

In 1937, American composer and pianist George Gershwin died at age 38.

In 1979, the abandoned U.S. space station Skylab made a spectacular return to Earth, burning up in the atmosphere and showering debris over the Indian Ocean and Australia.

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Today-----Actor David Kelly is 85, Actor Tab Hunter is 83, Fashion Designer Giorgio Armani is 80, Author Patricia Polacco is 70, Actor Bruce McGill is 64, Actress Mindy Sterling is 61 and Boxer Leon Spinks is 61.

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July 11th is:  Bowdlers Day, Cheer Up The Lonely Day, Chick-Fil-A's Cow Appreciation Day, Day Of The Five Billion, National Ranier Cherries Day, Slurpee Day or 7-11's Birthday and World Population Day.

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Quip for the day.....My wife is a shopaholic.  Once she was sick for a week and five stores went out of business.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah........

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.

The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma."

"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"

"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too."

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Today is Saturday, July 12, the 193rd day of the year.  There are 172 days left in the year.

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In 1861, Wild Bill Hickok began to establish his reputation as a gunfighter after he shot three men during a shootout in Nebraska.

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill authorizing the Medal of Honor.

In 1909, the House of Representatives joined the Senate in passing the 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, allowing a federal income tax, and submitted it to the states.

In 1957, Dwight D. Eisenhower became the first President to ride in the newest in aviation technology; the helicopter.

In 1984, Democratic presidential candidate Walter F. Mondale announced his choice of Rep. Geraldine A. Ferraro to be his running mate; Ferraro was the first woman to run for vice president on a major-party ticket.

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Today----Movie director Monte Hellman is 85, Comedian Bill Cosby is 77, Singer-pianist Christine McVie (Fleetwood Mac) is 71, Fitness Guru Richard Simmons is 66, Author Joan Bauer is 63 and Actress Cheryl Ladd is 63.

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July 12th is:  Bald Is In Day, Carver Day, Collector Car Appreciation Day, Grange Day, Simplicity Day and Wayne Chicken Day.

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Quip for the day.....Bumper sticker:  My son is the INMATE OF THE MONTH at the county jail.

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Larryj