another slice of wry

[jarhead]

Quote from Larry:
I did tell this one a long time ago just to rankle good ole Jarhead when he was active on the Forum. I think he threatened to come out here and do me bodily harm, but the boy never showed up.

I aint forgot Doc and you are still number one on my whup ass list but me and the ice had a little tussle in Dec---and the ice won. Not to worry though because July 10  the VA is gonna fix my shoulder up good as new. Oh hell, I could whup you with just a stiff left jab but I want to be able to throw a right hook or two so after July 10, then 8 weeks in a sling, a couple months of rehab, then 8 months of recovery time you will be seeing me. Better get to doing some push ups and jumping jacks my friend because your arse is grass and this ol Jarhead is the lawn mower !!!

[larryJ]

LOL!!!!!!!  Given the current state of the VA, you might want to add a couple of years to that estimate!!!!

Ice.......hmmm.....I must have missed that one.  Was that too many ice cubes in your 'shine, or a walk across thin ice, or were you standing under a large falling icicle....what happened, pal?

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------Random ideas........

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just looking at her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
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Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
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I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.
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I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row
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I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning
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Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, what's your plan?

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Today is Friday, June 6, the 157th day of the year.  There are 208 days left in the year.

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In 1844, the Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) was founded in London.

In 1933, eager motorists parked their cars on the grounds of Park-In Theaters, the first-ever drive in movie theater in Camden, N.J.

In 1939, the first Little League game was played as Lundy Lumber defeated Lycoming Dairy 23-8 in Williamsport, Pennsylvania.

In 1944, Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France, on "D-Day," beginning the liberation of German-occupied Western Europe during World War II.

In 1955, the U.S. Post Office introduced regular certified mail service.

In 1971, twenty three years after its 1948 premiere, "The Ed Sullivan Show" had its final broadcast.

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Today------Actress Billie Whitelaw is 82, Civil-rights activist Roy Innes is 80, Singer Gary U.S. Bonds is 75, Olympian Tommy Smith is 70, Actor Robert Englund is 67 and Actor Harvey Fierstein is 60.

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June 6th is:  Atheists Pride Day, Doughnut Day, Horseradish Days (6-8), National Lemonade Days (6-8), Positive Power Of Humor And Creativity Days (6-8), Russian Language Day, Yo-yo day and D-Day.

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Quip for the day.........Reading is detrimental to ignorance.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----more random notes........

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.  It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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Today is Saturday, June 7, the 158th day of the year.  There are 207 days left in the year.

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In 1776, Richard Henry Lee of Virginia introduced a resolution for independence to the Continental Congress in Philadelphia.  John Adams seconded the motion.

In 1913, Hudson Stuck led the first successful ascent of Mt. McKinley, the highest point on the American continent at 20,320 feet.

In 1942, the World War II Battle of Midway ended in a decisive victory for American forces over the Imperial Japanese.

In 1972, the musical "Grease" opened on Broadway, having already been performed in lower Manhattan.

In 1998, in a crime that shocked the nation, James Byrd Jr., a black man, was hooked to a pick-up truck and dragged to his death in Jasper, Texas.  (Two white men were later sentenced to death.  A third defendant received life with the possibility of parole.)

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Today--Movie director James Ivory is 86, Singer Tom Jones is 74, Actor Ken Osmond is 71, Poet Nikki Giovanni is 71, Talk show host Jenny Jones is 68, Actress Anne Twomay is 63, Actor Liam Neeson is 62 and Actress Colleen Camp is 61.

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June 7th is:  Belmont Stakes, Daniel Boone Day, Do-Dah Parade Day (Kalamazoo, Michigan), Drawing Day or Pencil Day, National Trails Day, Xterra Off-Road Triathalon and VCR Day.

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Quip for the day.......The floggings will continue until morale improves.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----old but good......

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Rhode Island State house in Providence, one from Cranston, and another from North Kingstown and the third, Exeter. They go with a State house official to examine the fence.

The North Kingstown contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Exeter contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Cranston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Cranston contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Exeter to fix the fence."

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Today is Sunday, June 8, the 159th day of the year.  There are 206 days left in the year.

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In 1864, Abraham Lincoln was nominated for a second term as president during the National Union (Republican) Party's convention in Baltimore.

In 1874, Chief Cochise, one of the great leaders of the Apache Indians, died on the Chiricahua Reservation is Southeastern Arizona.

In 1915, Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan resigned in a disagreement with President Woodrow Wilson over U.S. handling of the sinking of the Lusitania.

In 1953, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously that restaurants in the District of Columbia could not refuse to serve blacks.

In 1968, James Earl Ray, escaped American convict, was arrested in London, England, and charged with the assassination of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.

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Today---Actor-comedian Jerry Stiller is 87, Comedian Joan Rivers is 81, Actress Millicent Martin is 80, Actor James Darren is 77, Actor Bernie Casey is 75, Singer Nancy Sinatra is 74, Author Andrew Weil is 71, Musician Boz Scaggs is 70, Actor Colin Baker is 70, Author Sara Paretsky is 67, Actress Sonia Braga is 64, Actress Kathy Baker is 64 and Singer Bonnie Tyler is 62.

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June 8th is:  Children's Sunday, Multicultural American Child Day, National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Race Unity Day, Upsy Daisy Day and World Oceans Day.

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Quip for the day.......If at first you don't succeed, well..........darn.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------ouch.....

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.

What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."

Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."

Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"

Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!"

The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.

Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?"

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Today is Monday, June 9, the 160th day of the year.  There are 205 days left in the year.

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In 1856, nearly 500 Mormons left Iowa City, Iowa, and headed west for Salt Lake City carrying all their goods and supplies in two-wheeled handcarts.

In 1934, the first Walt Disney animated cartoon featuring Donald Duck, "The Wise Little Hen," was released.

In 1973, Secretariat won the Belmont Stakes to become the first Triple Crown winner since Citation in 1948.

In 1978, leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints struck down a 148-year-old policy of excluding black men from the Mormon priesthood.

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Today-----Comedian Jackie Mason is 86, Sports commentator Dick Vitale is 75, Author Letty Cottin Pogrebin is 75, Race car driver David Hobbs is 74 and Guitarist Mick Box (Uriah Heep) is 66.

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June 9th is:  Donald Duck Day and World APS Day.

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Quip for the day.....If you do not say it, they won't repeat it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------good one.....

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.  As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.  "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.  He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could never do it.......Yes, Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

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Today is Tuesday, June 10, the 161st day of the year.  There are 204 days left in the year.

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In 1692, in Salem Village in the Massachusetts Bay Colony, Bridget Bishop, the first colonist to be tried in the Salem witch trials, was hanged after being found guilty of practicing witchcraft.

In 1846, Elias Howe received a patent for his sewing machine.

In 1919, New York City welcomed home Gen. John J. Pershing and 25,000 soldiers who had served in the U.S. First Division during World War I.

In 1935, in New York City, two recovering alcoholics, one a New York broker and the other an Ohio physician, founded Alcoholics Anonymous.

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Today------World Golf Hall-Of-Famer Arnold Palmer is 84, Actor Mickey Jones in 73, Singer Jose Feliciano is 68, Actor Frankie Faison is 65, Football player Dan Fouts is 63 and Actress Amy Irving is 60.

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June 10th is:  Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day, Ball Point Pen Day, Iced Tea Day and World Pet Memorial Day.

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Quip for the day........Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty and he enjoys it.

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Larryj

[Catwoman]

   You should have posted "today's quip" a couple of days ago...Soooooo applicable!!!! lol

[larryJ]

(Nice to have you back now that school is over, Cat!)

Today's-----blonde joke day........

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.  "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time.  A new haircut and new color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses.  Then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.  "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

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Today is Wednesday, June 11, the 162nd day of the year.  There are 203 days left in the year.

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In 1919, Sir Barton won the Belmont Stakes, becoming horse racing's first Triple Crown winner.

In 1962, three prisoners at Alcatraz in San Francisco Bay escaped using a makeshift raft; they were never found or heard from again.

In 1977, Seattle Slew won the Belmont Stakes, capturing the Triple Crown.

In 1979, John Wayne, an iconic American actor famous for starring in countless westerns, died at age 72 after battling cancer for more than a decade.  (Note here:  John Wayne lived in Orange County near where my son spends his winter season.  John Wayne had one of the bigger yachts in Newport Bay and died at Hoag Memorial Hospital in Newport Beach.)

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Today----Composer Carlisle Floyd is 88, Actor Gene Wilder is 81, International Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Jackie Stewart is 75, Author Robert Munsch is 69, Actress Adrienne Barbeau is 69, Actor Michael Swan is 66, Actor Peter Bergman is 61 and Journalist Greta Van Susteren is 60.

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June 11th is:  Corn On The Cob Day, Asparagus Day, German Chocolate Cake Day and Hug Day.

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Quip for the day.....Shotgun Wedding definition:  A case of wife or death.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------and another one.....

A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

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Today is Thursday, June 12, the 163rd day of the year.  There are 202 days left in the year.

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In 1939, The National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum was dedicated in Cooperstown, New York.

In 1987, President Ronald Reagan, during a visit to the divided city of Berlin, publicly challenged Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev to "tear down this wall."

In 1994, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were slashed to death outside her Los Angeles home.  (O.J. Simpson was later acquitted of the killings in a criminal trial, but was eventually held liable in a civil action.)

In 2003, film actor Gregory Peck died at his home in Los Angeles at age 87.

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Today------David Rockefeller is 99, Former President George H.W. Bush is 90, Singer Vic Damone is 86, Actor Jim Nabors is 84, Jazz musician Chick Corea  is 73, Sportscaster Marv Albert is 73, Actor David Thornton is 61 and Actress Ella Joyce is 60.

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June 12th is:  Crowded Nest Awareness Day, Loving Day, National Jerky Day, National Peanut Butter Cookie Day, Career Nurse Assistants Day, Superman Day and World Day Against Child Labor.

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Quip for the day......Marriage is natures way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

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Larryj