another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Interesting. The original version of that joke was:

A young lady at a USO Club announced that the time was 4:00 PM.  She said, "For you Army and Air Force personnel that is 1600 hours, for you Navy personnel that is eight bells, and for you Marines, the little hand is on the 6.....

I did tell this one a long time ago just to rankle good ole Jarhead when he was active on the Forum.  I think he threatened to come out here and do me bodily harm, but the boy never showed up.

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----I always liked this one.....

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit... not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old... I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray... saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for... not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer... get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches... not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older... much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles... for sure,
But don't call me old... just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take all your breath away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running... in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old... I'm only mature.

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Today is Wednesday, May 28, the 148th day of the year.  There are 217 days left in the year.

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In 1892, the Sierra Club was organized.

In 1912, the Senate Commerce Committee issued its report on the Titanic disaster that cited a "state of absolute unpreparedness," improperly tested safety equipment and an "indifference to danger" as some of the causes of an "unnecessary tragedy."

In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt pushed a button in Washington signaling that vehicle traffic could begin crossing the Golden Gate Bridge.

In 1957, National League owners voted unanimously to allow the New York Giants and the Brooklyn Dodgers to move to San Francisco and Los Angeles.

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Today-----Rockabilly singer-musician Sonny Burgess is 85, Actress Carroll Baker is 83, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Jerry West is 76, Actress Beth Howland is 73, Singer Gladys Knight is 70, Actress-director Sandra Locke is 70, Singer Billy Vera is 70 and Singer John Fogerty is 69.

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May  28th is:  National Senior Health And Fitness Day, Sierra Club Day, Slugs Return From Capistrano Day and World Multiple Sclerosis Day.

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Quip for the day........I think.....therefore I am.........confused.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----hah.....

I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.

"Why do you ask?" I responded.

"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."

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Today is Thursday, May 29, the 149th day of the year.  There are 216 days left in the year.

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In 1848, Wisconsin became the 30th state of the Union.

In 1917, the 35th president of the United States, John F. Kennedy, was born in Brookline, Massachusetts.

In 1922, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that organized baseball did not violate anti-trust laws as alleged by the Baltimore franchise of the defunct Federal League in 1915.  The Court held that organized baseball is not a business, but a sport.  (hmmm....)

In 1953, Mount Everest was conquered as Edmund Hillary of New Zealand and Tensing Norgay of Nepal became the first climbers to reach the summit.

In 1999, Discovery became the first space shuttle to dock with the International Space Station.

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Today-----Actor Clifford James is 93, Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Al Unser is 75, Actor Kevin Conway is 72, Actor Anthony Geary is 67, Singer Francis Rossi is 65, Author Andrew Clements is 65, Singer Rebbie Jackson is 64, Composer Danny Elfman is 61 and Singer Karla DeVito is 61.

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May 29th is:  Learn About Composting Day, International Day Of United Nations Peacekeepers and Put A Pillow On Your Fridge Day.

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Quip for the day......I am boldly going forward.......because I can't find reverse.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----funny.........

My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers.

I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day.

"No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."

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Today is Friday, May 30, the 150th day of the year.  There are 215 days left in the year.

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In 1868, by proclamation of General John A. Logan of the Grand Army of the Republic, the first Memorial Day was held to honor those who died "in defense of their country in the late rebellion."  It was known to some as "Decoration Day."

In 1911, the first Indy 500 took place at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway; the winner was Ray Harroun.

In 1922, the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., was dedicated.

In 1958, unidentified American service members killed in World War II and the Korean War were interred in the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery.

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Today---Country musician Johnny Gimble is 88, Actor Clint Walker is 87, Actress Ruta Lee is 78, Actor Keir Dullea is 78, Actor Michael J. Pollard is 75, Football player Gale Sayers is 71, Guitarist Lenny Davidson (Dave Clark Five) is 70, Actor Stephen Tobolowsky is 63 and Actor Colm Meaney is 61.

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May 30th is:  Loomis Day and Mint Julep Day.

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Quip for the day......Many wives think their husbands are the world's greatest lovers.  They just can't catch them at it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---hah.....

A drunk is walking along and smacks into a tree. He backs up a few paces, and walks into the tree again. He does it again. He mumbles, "This is great. I was supposed to be home hours ago, and now here I am lost in the forest."

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Today is Saturday, May 31, the 151st day of the year.  There are 214 days left in the year.

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In 1790, President George Washington signed into law the first U.S. copyright act.

In 1859, the famous clock tower known as Big Ben rang for the first time.

In 1889, some 2,200 people in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, perished when the South Fork Dam holding back Lake Conemaugh collapsed, sending 20 million tons of water rushing through the town.

In 1913, U.S. Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan proclaimed the 17th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, providing for popular election of U.S. Senators, to be in effect.

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Today---Actor-director Clint Eastwood is 84, Singer Peter Yarrow (Peter, Paul and Mary) is 76, Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Namath is 71, Actress Sharon Gless is 71, Actor Tom Berenger is 65 and Actor Gregory Harrison is 64.

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May 31st is:  Hug Your Cat Day, What You Think Upon Grows Day, The Wicket World Of Croquet Day and World No-Tobacco Day.

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Quip for the day......Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------oh no.......

To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend of golf at St. Andrews. On the third tee, the husband you, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Darling, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before we met."

The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you, and you have been playing off from the ladies' tee all these years!"

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Today is Sunday, June 1, the 152nd day of the year.  There are 213 days left in the year.

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In 1813, the mortally wounded commander of the USS Chesapeake, Capt. James Lawrence, gave the order, "Don't give up the ship" during a losing battle with the British frigate HMS Shannon in the War of 1812.

In 1914, U.S. Secretary of the Navy Josephus Daniels issued General Order 99 banning alcoholic beverages from Naval vessels, effective July 1, 1914.

In 1968, Helen Keller, blind and deaf since birth, died in Westport, Connecticut, at age 87.

In 1980, CNN (Cable News Network), the world's first 24-hour television news network, made its debut.

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Today-----Singer Pat Boone is 80, Actor Morgan Freeman is 77, Actor Rene Auberjonois is 74, Actor Robert Powell is 70, Actor Brian Cox is 68, Actor Jonathan Pryce is 67, Guitarist Ron Wood (Rolling Stones) is 67, Actor Powers Boothe is 66, Singer Tom Robinson I 64, Actress Misty Rowe is 64, Actress Diana Canova is 61, and Country singer Ronnie Dunn is 61.

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June 1st is:  Children's Memorial Awareness Day, Global Day Of Parents, Heimlich Maneuver Day, National Cancer Survivors Day, National Go Barefoot Day, Oscar The Grouch Day, Say Something Nice Day and Stand For Children Day.

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Quip for the day.....One nice thing about egotists.........they don't talk about other people.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------good thinking.......

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

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Today is Monday, June 2, the 153rd day of the year.  There are 212 days left in the year.

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In 1865, with the surrender of Confederate General Edmund Kirby Smith, commander of the Confederate forces west of the Mississippi, the last Confederate Army ceased to exist bringing a formal close to the Civil War.

In 1921, torrential rains slammed Pueblo County, Colorado, causing a flash flood that left 120 people dead.

In 1924, Congress passed a measure that was then signed by President Calvin Coolidge guaranteeing full American citizenship for all Native Americans born within territorial limits.

In 1935, Babe Ruth, one of the greatest players in the history of baseball, ended his Major League playing career after 22 seasons, 10 World Series and 714 home runs.

In 1966, the U.S. space probe Surveyor 1 landed on the moon and began transmitting detailed photographs of the lunar surface.

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Today-----Actress-singer Sallie Kellerman is 77, Actor Ron Ely is 76, Actor Stacy Keach is 73, Drummer Charlie Watts (Rolling Stones) is 73, Actor Jerry Mathers is 66, Actor Keith Allen is 61, Author Cornel Ronald West is 61, Race car driver Steve Kinser is 60 and Actor Dennis Haysbert is 60.

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June 2nd is:  National Bubba Day, National Leave The Office Early Day, National Thank God It's Monday Day, and Yell "Fudge" at the cobras in North America Day.

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Quip for the day........Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see I forgot to put on my pants.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------good one......

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

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Today is Tuesday, June 3, the 154th day of the year.  There are 211 days left in the year.

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In 1888, the poem "Casey at the Bat," by Ernest Lawrence Thayer, was first published in the San Francisco Examiner.

In 1916, President Woodrow Wilson signed into law the National Defense Act which expanded the size and scope of the National Guard, guaranteeing its status as the nation's permanent reserve force.

In 1948, the 200-inch reflecting Hale Telescope at the Palomar Mountain Observatory in California was dedicated.

In 1956, city authorities in Santa Cruz, California, announced a total ban of Rock and Roll at public gatherings, calling the music "detrimental to both the health and morals of our youth and community."

In 1965, astronaut Edward White became the first American to "walk" in space during the flight of Gemini 4.

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Today-----TV show host Chuck Barris is 85, Actress Irma P. Hall is 79, Singer Ian Hunter (Mott The Hoople) is 75, Golfer Hale Irwin is 69, Actor Tristan Rogers is 68, Singer Suzi Quatro is 64, Singer Deneice Williams is 64 and Singer Dan Hill is 60.

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June 3rd is:  Chimborazo Day.  (Okay, you don't have to look this up, I already did.  Chimborazo is the name of a mountain which is considered to be the highest point on Earth because it is closer to the Equator than Mt. Everest.  Although lower in feet, it is higher because of the bulge of the Earth at the Equator.)

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Quip for the day........All good things come to an end.  I just want to know when they start.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----blonde joke day........

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

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Today is June 4, the 155th day of the year.  There are 210 days left in the year.

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In 1876, a mere 83 hours after leaving New York City, the Transcontinental Express train arrived in San Francisco, California.

In 1919, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, guaranteeing women the right to vote, was passed by Congress and sent to the states for ratification.

In 1939, the German ocean liner MS St. Louis, carrying more than 900 Jewish refugees from Germany, was turned away from the Florida coast by U.S. officials.

In 1942, the World War II Battle of Midway began, resulting in an American victory against Japan and marking the turning point of the war in the Pacific.

In 1998, a federal judge sentenced Terry Nichols to life in prison for his role in the 1995 bombing of the Alfred P. Murray Federal Building in Oklahoma City.

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Today----Sex therapist and media personality Dr. Ruth Westheimer is 86, Actor Bruce Dern is 78, Author Joyce Meyer is 71, Singer Michelle Phillips (The Mommas and Papas) is 70 and Actor Parker Stevenson is 62.

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June 4th is:  Audacity To Hope Day, International Day Of Innocent Children Victims Of Aggression, National Tailor's Day and Old Maid's Day.

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Quip for the day.......My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----whoops.......

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."

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Today is Thursday, June 5, the 156th day of the year.  There are 209 days left in the year.

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In 1884, Civil War hero Gen. William T. Sherman refused the Republican presidential nomination saying, "I will not accept if nominated and will not serve is elected."

In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard, a monetary system in which currency is backed by gold.

In 1944, more than 1,000 British bombers dropped 5,000 tons of bombs on German gun batteries placed at the Normandy assault area, while nearly 160,000 Allied troops crossed the English Channel for the invasion of Normandy -- D-Day.

In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated in Los Angeles' Ambassador Hotel after claiming victory in California's presidential primary.

In 2004, Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th president of the United States, died in Los Angeles at age 93 after a long struggle with Alzheimer's disease.

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Today-----Actor-singer Bill Hayes is 89, Broadcast journalist  Bill Moyers is 80, Actor Colm Wilkinson is 70, Singer Laurie Anderson is 67, Author Ken Follett is 65, Financial guru Suze Orman is 63, Drummer Nicko  Mcbrain (Iron Maiden) is 62 and Producer Kathleen Kennedy is 61.

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June 5th is:  Apple II Day, Festival Of Popular Delusions Day, Hot Air Balloon Day, National Moonshine Day, National Running Day and World Environment Day,

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Quip for the day........(Anything in parentheses can be ignored.)

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Larryj