another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------blonde guy joke......

Two blonde guys rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish.

One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend,

"Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

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Today is Thursday, May 15, the 135th day of the year.  There are 230 days left in the year.

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In 1800, President John Adams ordered the federal government to pack up and leave Philadelphia and set up shop in the nation's new capital in Washington, D.C.

In 1896, a rare massive tornado estimated as an F5 category storm hit Sherman, Texas, killing 73 people.

In 1911, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Standard Oil Company was a monopoly in violation of the Sherman Antitrust Act, and ordered it's breakup.

In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure creating the Women's Army Auxiillary Corps.  Also, wartime gasoline rationing went into effect in 17 Eastern states, limiting sales to three gallons a week for non-essential vehicles.

In 1972, during an outdoor rally in Laurel, Maryland, George Wallace, governor of Alabama and presidential candidate, was shot and permanently paralyzed.

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Today------Singer Anna Maria Alberghetti is 78, Singer Trini Lopez is 77, Singer Lainie Kazan is 74, Actor Chazz Palminteri is 68, Musician Brian Eno is 66, Actor Nicholas Hammond is 64, Author David Almond is 63 and Baseball player George Brett is 61.

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May 15th is:  Hyperemisis Gravidarum Awareness Day, International Day Of Families, International MPS Awareness Day, National Chocolate Chip Day, National Tuberous Sclerosis Day, Nylon Stockings Day, Peace Officers Memorial Day and Straw Hat Day.

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Quip for the day......Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----uh oh.......

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Oh damn.

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Today is Friday, May 16, the 136th day of the year.  There are 229 days left in the year.

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In 1868, the U.S. Senate failed by one vote to convict President Andrew Johnson as it took its first ballot on the eleven articles of impeachment against him.

In 1918, the U.S. Congress passed the Sedition Act, a piece of legislation designed to protect America's participation in World War I.  It was later repealed in 1921.

In 1929, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences handed out its first awards at a dinner party held in the Blossom Room of the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood, CA.

In 1939, the federal government began its first food stamp program in Rochester, New York.

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Today------Actress Yvonne Craig is 77, Drummer Billy Cubham is 70, Actor Danny Trejo is 70, Guitarist Robert Fripp is 68, Talk show host Bob Edwards is 67, Actor Pierce Brosnan is 61.

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May 16th is:  Bats Day (16-18), Biographer's Day, Endangered Species Day, International Virtual Assistants Day, O. Henry Pun-Off Day, NASCAR Day, National Bike To Work Day, National Defense Transportation Day, National Piercing Day, National Pizza Party Day and National Sea Monkey Day.

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Quip for the day.......I'm out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----good one.....

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ......

I D 1 0 T

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Today is Saturday, May 17, the 137th day of the year.  There are 228 days left in the year.

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In 1782, the New York Stock Exchange had its origins as brokers met under a tree on Wall Street.

In 1943, the crew of the Memphis Belle, one of a group of American bombers based in Britain, became the first B-17 crew to complete 25 missions over Europe.

In 1954, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka, struck down segregated schools, ruling that "separate educational facilities are inherently unequal."

In 1973, in Washington, D.C., the Senate Select Committee on Presidential Campaign Activities began televised hearings on the escalating Watergate affair.

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Today----Author Gary Paulsen is 75, Actor Adel Emam is 74, Actor Peter Gerety is 74 and Songwriter Taj Mahal is 72.

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May 17th is:  Armed Forces Day, Mike, The Headless Chicken Day, Morel Mushroom Days (17-18), National Learn To Swim Day, Preakness, World Hypertension Day, World Information Society Day, World Telecommunications Day and World Neurofibromatosis Day.

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Quip for the day........Be content with what you've got...........but be sure you've got plenty.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----good one.......

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"No," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,
"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

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Today is Sunday, May 18, the 138th day of the year.  There are 227 days left in the year.

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In 1871, Kiowa Chief Santana joined with other Indians to massacre a wagon train near the Red River in northeastern Texas.

In 1917, the U.S. Congress passed the Selective Service Act giving the U.S. President the power to draft soldiers.

In 1980, the Mount St. Helens volcano in Washington state exploded, leaving 57 people dead or missing.

In 2004, Arizona Diamondbacks Randy Johnson became the oldest pitcher in major league history to throw a perfect game against the Atlanta Braves.

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Today------Actor Bill Macy is 92, Actor Robert Morse is 83, Actor Dwayne Hickman is 80, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Brooks Robinson is 77, Actress Miriam Margolyes is 73, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Reggie Jackson is 68, Country singer Joe Bonsall is 66, Songwriter Rick Wakeman is 65, Singer Mark Mothersbaugh (Devo) is 64 and Country singer George Strait is 62.

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May 18th is:  Bay To Breakers Race, HIV Vaccine Awareness Day, I Love Reeses Day, International Museum Day, Mother Whistler Day, Neighbor Day and Visit Your Relatives Day.

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Quip for the day.......Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

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NOTICE:  I HAVE TO GO HAVE A TEST DONE AT THE HOSPITAL EARLY MONDAY SO THERE WILL NOT BE AN ENTRY FOR THAT DAY.  TUESDAY'S ENTRY IS DEPENDENT ON WHAT TIME THEY LET ME GO HOME.  THE TEST REQUIRES ME TO BE OBSERVED FOR 24 HOURS. 

Larryj 

[larryJ]

Today's--------I'm back.......finally.....see the observations thread later for the whole story...

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"

He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

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Today is Friday, May 23, the 143th day of the year.  There are 222 days left in the year.

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In 1934, bank robbers Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker were shot to death in a police ambush near Sailes, Louisiana.

In 1939, the Navy submarine USS Squalus sank during a test dive off the New England coast.  Thirty-two crew members and one civilian were rescued, but 26 others died; the sub was salvaged and recommissioned the USS Sailfish.

In 1960, a tsunami caused by a massive 8.5 magnitude earthquake off the coast of Chile hit Hilo, Hawaii, killing 61 people.

In 1984, Surgeon General C. Everett Koop issued a report saying there was "very solid" evidence linking cigarette smoke to lung diseases in non-smokers.

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Today-------Actress Barbara Barrie is 83, Actress Joan Collins is 81, Actress Lauren Chapin is 69, Golfer David Graham is 68, Actress Linda Diane Thompson is 64, Chess grandmaster Anatoly Karpov is 63, Guitarist Doyle Dykes is 60 and Boxing Hall-of-Famer Marvelous Marvin Hagler is 60.

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May 23rd is:  Heat Awareness Safety Day, National Polka Day, National Title Track Day, National Taffy Day, National Wig Out Day, World Crohn's And Colitis Day, World Turtle Day and Don't Fry Day.

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Quip for the day....It works better if you plug it in.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------oldie but goodie......

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

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Today is Saturday, May 24, the 144th day of the year. There are 221 days left in the year.

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In 1775, John Hancock was elected President of the Continental Congress.

In 1883, the Brooklyn Bridge was dedicated.

In 1884, Samuel F.B. Morse transmitted the message "What hath God wrought" from Washington to Baltimore as he opened America's first telegraph line.

In 1935, the Cincinnati Reds beat the Philadelphia Phillies 2-1 on this night in 1935 in Major League Baseball's first-ever night game, played courtesy of recently installed lights at Crosley Field in Cincinnati.

In 1974, Edward Kennedy "Duke" Ellington died at age 75.

In 1994, four men convicted of bombing New York's World Trade Center in 1993 were each sentenced to 240 years in prison.

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Today------Comedian Tommy Chong is 76, Singer Bob Dylan is 73, Actor Gary Burghoff is 71, Singer Patti LaBelle is 70, Actress Priscilla Presley is 69, Actress Sybil Danning is 67, Actor Jim Broadbent is 65 and Actor Alfred Molina is 61.

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May 24th is:  Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day, Brother's Day, International Jazz Day, Julia Pierpont Day and Morse Code Day.

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Quip for the day.......Don't give people money.......it gives them amnesia.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----it's Sunday......

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

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Today is Sunday, May 25, the 145th day of the year.  There are 220 days left in the year.

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In 1787, the Constitutional Convention began at the Pennsylvania State House (Independence Hall) in Philadelphia.

In 1935, Babe Ruth hit his 714th and last home run, for the Boston Braves, against the Pittsburg Pirates.

In 1964, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Griffin v. County School Board of Prince Edward County, ordered the Virginia county to reopen its public schools, which were closed in a bid to circumvent the Supreme Court's 1954 Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka public school desegregation ruling.

In 1979,  an American Airlines DC-10, taking off from Chicago's O'Hare airport, crashed killing all 277 people on board.

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Today------Country singer-songwriter Tom T. Hall is 78, Actor Sir Ian McKellen is 75, Country singer Jessi Coulter is 71, Actress-singer Leslie Uggams is 71, Movie director and Muppeteer Frank Oz is 70, Actress Karen Valentine is 67, Actress Jacki Weaver is 67 and Author Jamaica Kincaid is 65.

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May 25th is:  Cookie Monster's Birthday, Indianapolis 500, National Missing Children's Day, National Tap Dance Day, Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day and Towel Day.

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Quip for the day......Everything east of the San Andreas fault in California will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------oops.....

At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone,
"Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up."

Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return.

"Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime."

"Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99."

The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-phone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"

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Today is Monday, May 26, the 146th day of the year.  There are 219 days left in the year.

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In 1913, Actors' Equity Association was organized by a group of actors at the Pabst Grand Circle Hotel in New York.

In 1927, Henry Ford and his son Edsel drove the 15 millionth Model T Ford out of their factory, marking the famous automobile's official last day of production.

In 1938, Congress established The House Un-American Activities Committee.

In 1942, the Tule Lake Segregation Center for Japanese-American WWII internees opened in California.

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Today------Sportscaster Brent Musburger is 75, Baseball player Darrell Evans is 67, Singer Stevie Nicks is 66, Actor Philip Thomas is 65, Actress Pam Grier is 65 and Country singer Hank Williams Jr. is 65.

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May 26th is:  Memorial Day (observed) May 30 is traditional, Prayer For Peace Memorial Day and World Lindy Hop Day.

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Quip for the day......A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------different take on an old joke.....

Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?

Control tower: What airline is this?

Pilot: What difference does that make?

Control tower: Well if it is United Airlines, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is British Airways, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the little hand is on the 6....."

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Today is Tuesday, May 27, the 147th day of the year.  There are 218 days left in the year.

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In 1831, Jedediah Smith, one of the nation's most important trapper-explorers, was killed by Comanche Indians on the Santa Fe Trail.

In 1933, the Chicago World's Fair, celebrating "A Century of Progress," officially opened.

In 1933, Walt Disney's Academy Award-winning animated short "The Three Little Pigs" was first released.

In 1937, the newly completed Golden Gate Bridge connecting San Francisco and Marin County, California, was opened to pedestrian traffic.

In 1997, a tornado in Jarrell, Texas, destroyed the town and killed nearly 30 people.

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Today-------Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Herman Wouk is 99, Actor Christopher Lee is 92, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is 91, Author Harlan Ellison is 80, Jazz pianist Ramsey Lewis is 79, Actor Louis Gossett Jr. is 78, Songwriter Don Williams is 75, Singer Cilla Black is 71, Actor Lewis Collins is 68 and Singer-actress Dee Dee Bridgewater is 64.

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May 27th is:  Cellophane Tape Day.

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Quip for the day.......There aren't enough days in the weekend.

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Larryj

[W. Gray]

Chuckle.

Reading that joke prompted me to find out what ever happened to Ozark Airlines headquartered at Springfield, MO.

It merged with TWA in '86. TWA merged with American in 2001. Last I heard American was still in business.

A resurrected Ozark formed in 2000 in Columbia, MO. In 2001 it was sold to Great Plains Airlines based out of Tulsa. Great Plains went bankrupt in 2004