another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----good one.........

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE....................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!"

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Today is Monday, May 5, the 125th day of the year.  There are 240 days left in the year.

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In 1862, Mexican troops defeated French occupying forces in the Battle of Puebla.  The Cinco de Mayo holiday commemorates Mexico's victory.  (I put this here because Cinco de Mayo is a big holiday in SoCal due to the large Hispanic population, many of whom probably don't know the significance of the holiday.  Because the 5th is on a Monday, many parties were held yesterday Sunday the 4th.)

In 1904, Boston Red Sox pitcher Cy Young threw a perfect game against the Detroit Tigers.

In 1925, John T. Scopes was charged in Tennessee with violating a state law that prohibited teaching the theory of evolution.  Scopes was found guilty, but his conviction was later set aside.

In 1961, astronaut Alan B. Shepard Jr. became America's first space traveler, making a suborbital flight aboard Mercury capsule Freedom 7.

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Today------Actress Ann B. Davis is 88, Actress Pat Carroll is 87, Actor Michael Murphy is 76, Actor Lance Henricksen is 74, Comedian Michael Palin is 71, Actor John Rhys-Davies is 70, Rock correspondent Kurt Loder is 69 and Drummer Bill Ward (Black Sabbath) is 66.

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May 5th is:  Cartoonists Day, Childhood Stroke Awareness Day, Cinco de Mayo, International Midwives' Day, Melanoma Monday, National Ferret Day, National Library Legislative Day and Totally Chipotle Day.

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Quip for the day.......If you don't care where you are, then you are not lost.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------funny.....

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!

I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"

She said, "I sure do."

I said, " Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."

My dental surgery is on Monday.

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Today is Tuesday, May 6, the 126th day of the year.  There are 239 days left in the year.

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In 1882, President Chester A. Arthur signed the Chinese Exclusion Act.

In 1937, the German airship, Hindenburg, the largest dirigible ever built, exploded as it arrived in Lakehurst, New Jersey, killing 36 people.

In 1954, medical student Roger Bannister broke the four-minute mile during a track meet in Oxford, England, in 3:59:4.

In 1994, former Arkansas state worker Paula Jones filed suit against President Bill Clinton, alleging he had sexually harassed her in 1991.

In 2004, the final episode of "Friends" aired on NBC.

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Today-----Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays is 83, Rock singer Bob Seger is 69, Actress Susan Brown is 68, Actor Alan Dale is 67, Astronaut David Leestma is 65, Author Jeffery Deaver is 64, Guitarist Davy Johnstone is 63 and Screenwriter Allie Larkin is 61 and Actress Lynn Whitfield is 61.

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May 6th is:  Buddah Day, Give Local America, Joseph Brackett Day, No Diet Day, No Homework Day, Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day, National Teacher Day and World Asthma Day.

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Quip for the day......Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------waxing poetic.......

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote:

Friends

- A friend is someone who is always at your side,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
- A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
- A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
   your loser life,
- A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be attacked by a mad
  goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
- A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't
  speak much English............

  No, wait, that's the cleaning lady.

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Today is Wednesday, May 7, the 127th day of the year.  There are 238 days left in the year.

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In 1889, the John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore opened its doors.

In 1915, nearly 1,200 people died when a German torpedo sunk the British liner HMS Lusitania off the Irish coast.

In 1942, U.S. Army Gen. Jonathan Wainwright went on a Manila radio station to announce the Allied surrender of the Philippines to Japanese forces during World War II.

In 1945, the German High Command signed the unconditional surrender of all German forces at Reims, France.

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Today-----Actor Roger Perry is 81, Author Volker Braun is 75, Singer Jimmy Ruffin is 75, Rhythm and Blues singer Thelma Houston is 71, Country singer Terry Allen is 71, Actress Robin Strasser is 69, Author Michael Rosen is 68, Drummer Bill Kreutzmann (The Grateful Dead) is 68 and Pianist Janina Fialkowska is 63.

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May 7th is:  Bike To School Day, Great American Grumpout, National Barrier Awareness Day, Occupational Safety And Health Day and School Nurse Day.

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Quip for the day........Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah......

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain.

Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:

Port Left
Starboard Right

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Today is Thursday, May 8, the 128th day of the year.  There are 237 days left in the year.

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In 1541, Spanish explorer Hernando de Soto reached the Mississippi River.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced that Nazi Germany's forces had surrendered, and that "the flags of freedom fly all over Europe."

In 1950, a flood caused by 14 inches of rain killed 23 people near Lincoln, Nebraska, most of whom drowned after being trapped  in their cars by flash flooding.

In 1958, Vice President Richard M. Nixon was shoved, stoned, booed and spat upon by anti-American protesters in Lima, Peru.

In 1984, the Soviet Union announced that it's Olympic athletes would not participate in the Summer Olympics in Los Angeles, citing fears for their safety.

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Today------Comedian Don Rickles is 88, Naturalist Sir David Attenborough is 88, Singer Toni Tennille is 74, Actor James Mitchum is 73, Singer Gary Glitter is 70, Voice actor Greg Finley is 67, Singer Philip Bailey (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 63, Drummer Alex Van Halen (Van Halen) is 61, Actor David Keith is 60 and Actor Stephen Furst is 60.

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May 8th is:  Free Trade Day, National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day, National Children's Mental Health Awareness Day, No Socks Day, Time Of Remembrance And Reconciliation For Those Who Lost Their Lives During The Second World War (8-9), VE Day, World Ovarian Cancer Day and World Red Cross/Red Crescent Day.

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Quip for the day............The trouble with my life is there's no background music.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----funny......

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

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Today is Friday, May 9, the 129th day of the year.  There are 236 days left in the year.

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In 1887, Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show opened in London, giving Queen Victoria and her subjects their first look at real cowboys and Indians.

In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson, acting on a joint congressional resolution, signed a proclamation designating the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day.

In 1951, the U.S. conducted its first thermonuclear experiment as part of Operation Greenhouse by detonating a 225-kiloton device on Enewetak Atoll in the Pacific nicknamed "George."

In 1971, the last original episode of the sitcom "The Honeymooners", starring Jackie Gleason, was aired.

In 1974, the House of Representatives opened impeachment hearings against President Richard M. Nixon, voting to impeach him on three counts on July 30.

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Today----Actor-writer Alan Bennett is 80, Guitarist Nokie Edwards (The Ventures) is 79, Actor Albert Finney is 78, Producer-director James L. Brooks is 74, Actress Candice Bergen is 68, Basketball player Calvin Murphy is 66, Singer Billy Joel is 65, Actress Alley Mills is 63 and Actress Amy Hill is 61.

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May 9th is:  National Moscato Day, Child Care Provider Day, Fintastic Friday:  Giving Sharks A Voice, Military Spouse Appreciation Day and National Special-abled Pets Day.

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Quip for the day.....I went to a freak show the other night and they let me in free.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------really funny.....

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"

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Today is Saturday, May 10, the 130th day of the year.  There are 235 days left in the year.

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In 1863, during the Civil War, Confederate Lt. Gen. Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson died of pneumonia, a complication resulting from being hit by friendly fire eight days earlier during the Battle of Chancellorsville in Virginia.

In 1865, Jefferson Davis, president of the fallen Confederate government, was captured near Irwinville, GA.

In 1869, at Promontory, Utah, a ceremonial golden spike was driven into the rail line to complete the transcontinental railroad.

In 1924, J. Edgar Hoover was named acting director of the Bureau of Investigation (later known as the Federal Bureau of Investigation.)

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Today-----Author Bel Kaufman ("Up the Down Staircase") is 103, Actor-comedian Gary Owens is 78, Dancer Judith Jamison is 71, Singer Donovan is 68, Singer Dave Mason is 68, Actress Meg Foster is 66 and Author Christopher Paul Curtis is 61.

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May 10th is:  American Indian Day, Armed Forces Military-Amateur Crossband Communications Day, Birthmother's Day, Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day, International Migratory Bird Day, Letter Carrier's Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day, Mother Ocean Day, National Babysitter's Day, National Miniature Golf Day, National Train Day, National Windmill Day, Spring Astronomy Day, Stay Up All Night, World Belly Dance Day, World Trade Fair Day and World Lupus Day.

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Quip for the day..............If you throw something out, you will need it the next day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah........

On the way back to Ohio as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline were looking for volunteers to give up their seats.

In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward . . . "

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Today is Sunday, May 11, the 131st day of the year.  There are 234 days left in the year.

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In 1647, Peter Stuyvesant arrived in New Amsterdam to become governor of New Netherland.

In 1858, Minnesota became the 32nd state of the Union.

In 1927, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was founded during a banquet at the Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles.

In 1934, a massive storm sent millions of topsoil flying across the parched Great Plains region of the U.S. as far east as New York, Boston and Atlanta.

In 1935, the Rural Electrification Administration was created as one of President Franklin D. Roosevelt's New Deal programs.

In 1947, B.F. Goodrich announced it had developed a tubeless tire.

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Today----Actor Bernard Fox is 87, Comedian Mort Sahl is 87, Singer Eric Burdon (The Animals) is 73, Actress Pam Ferris is 66, Actress Frances Fisher is 62 and Actor Boyd Gaines is 61.

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May 11th is:  Eat What You Want Day, Hostess Cupcake Day, Mothers At The Wall Day, Root Canal Appreciation Day and Mother's Day.

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Quip for the day..........Leak proof seals will.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----what?......

Entitled "Filing for Divorce."

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

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Today is Monday, May 12, the 132nd day of the year.  There are 233 days left in the year.

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In 1932, the body of the kidnapped son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh was found near Hopewell, New Jersey.

In 1949, the Soviet Union lifted it's 11-month blockade against West Berlin.  The blockade was broken by a massive U.S.-British airlift of vital supplies to West Berlin's two million citizens.

In 1963, Betty Miller became the first woman to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean as she landed in Brisbane, Australia, having left Oakland on April 30.

In 1963, singer Bob Dylan walked off the set of "The Ed Sullivan Show" after network censors rejected the song he planned on performing, "Talking John Birch Paranoid Blues."

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Today----Baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra is 89, Composer Burt Bacharach is 86, Actress Linda Dano is 71, Singer Steve Winwood (Traffic, Blind Faith) is 66, Actor Richard Riehle is 66, Actor Bruce Boxleitner is 64 and Actor Gabriel Byrne is 64.

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May 12th is:  Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Awareness Day, International Nurses Day, Limerick Day, National Nutty Fudge Day, Odometer Day and National Women's Checkup Day.

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Quip for the day.......Definition of an elephant:  A mouse built to government specifications.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------yep.....

IT IS TIME TO DIET WHEN.....

* You dance and it makes the band skip.

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

* You could sell shade.

* Your blood type is Ragu.

* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

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Today is Tuesday, May 13, the 133rd day of the year.  There are 232 days left in the year.

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In 1607, English colonists arrived by ship at the site of what became known as the Jamestown settlement in Virginia.

In 1846, the U.S. Congress overwhelmingly voted in favor of President James K. Polk's request to declare war on Mexico in a dispute over Texas.

In 1958, during a goodwill trip through Latin America, Vice President Richard M. Nixon's car was attacked by an angry mob and nearly overturned while traveling through Caracas, Venezuela.

In 1985, Philadelphia police dropped a bomb on the radical group MOVE's row house;  11 people died.

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Today-----Actor Harvey Keitel is 75, Actress Zoe Wanamaker is 65, Singer Stevie Wonder is 64 and Actress Jane Cox is 62.

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May 13th is:  Frog Jumping Day.

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Quip for the day.......He who hesitates is lost..........and miles from the next exit.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------it's an "oh no" joke day........

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

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Today is Wednesday, May 14, the 134th day of the year.  There are 231 days left in the year.

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In 1804, the Lewis and Clark expedition to explore the Louisiana Territory as well as the Pacific Northwest left camp near present-day Hartford, Illinois.

In 1904, the first Olympic Games to be held in the United States opened in St. Louis, Missouri.

In 1914, Washington Senators pitcher Walter Johnson threw his 54th consecutive inning in Sportsman Park, Illinois.

In 1973, Skylab, America's first space station, was successfully launched into orbit.

In 1998, legendary singer Frank Sinatra died of a heart attack in Los Angeles at age 82.

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Today-----Guitarist Vic Flick is 77, Baseball player Tony Perez is 72, Bassist Jack Bruce (Cream) is 71, Movie producer George Lucas is 70, Actress Ana Martin is 67, Movie director Robert Zemeckis is 63 and Rock singer David Byrne is 62.

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May 14th is:  Buddah Day, Donate A Day's Wages To Charity, National Chicken Dance Day, National Night Shift Workers Day, Receptionist's Day, The Stars And Stripes Forever Day and Underground America Day.

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Quip for the day.....Due to budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

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Larryj