another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah....

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

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Today is Friday, April 25, the 115th day of the year.  There are 250 days left in the year.

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In 1945, delegates from some 50 countries met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.

In 1947, President Harry S. Truman officially opened the first White House two-lane bowling alley.

In 1983, 10-year-old Samantha Smith of Manchester, Maine, received a reply from Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov to a letter she'd written expressing concern about possible nuclear war; Andropov reassured Samantha that the Soviet Union did not want war, and he invited her to visit his country, a trip Samantha made in July.

In 1995, actress Ginger Rogers, best known for the 10 films she made with her dance partner Fred Astaire, died at the age of 83.

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Today-----Movie director-writer Paul Mazursky is 84, Actor William Roache is 82, Basketball player Meadowlark Lemon (The Harlem Globetrotters) is 82, Actor Al Pacino is 74, Dancer and judge Len Goodman is 70, Bassist Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 69, Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 69, Actress Talia Shire is 68 and Actor Jeffrey Demunn is 67.

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April 25th is:  Arbor Day, DNA Day, Hug A Plumber Day, National Hairball Awareness Day, National Mani-pedi Day, Malaria Awareness Day, Parental Alienation Day, Satchmo Days 25-27, Red Hat Society Day and World Penguin Day.

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Quip for the day.....The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------funny.......

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope, my name is Jones. You must be lookin' for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

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Today is Saturday, April 26, the 116th day of the year.  There are 249 days left in the year.

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In 1865, John Wilkes Booth, the assassin of President Abraham Lincoln, was surrounded and killed by Federal troops.

In 1954, the Salk Polio vaccine field trials, involving 1.8 million children, began at the Franklin Sherman Elementary school in McLean, Virginia.

In 1989, actress-comedian Lucille Ball died in Los Angeles at age 77.

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Today-----Actress-comedian Carol Burnett is 81, Musician-guitarist is 76 and Singer Bobby Rydell is 72.

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April 26th is:  Audubon Day, Bob Wills Day, Do Dah Day (Pasadena), Eeyore's Birthday Day, Hug An Australian Day, International Marconi Day, National Dance Day, National Go Birding Day, National Help A Horse Day, National Herb Day, National Kids And Pets Day, National Rebuilding Day, National Pretzel Day, Richter Scale Day, Save The Frogs Day, Sense Of Smell Day, World Day For Animals In Laboratories, World Healing Day, World Intellectual Property Day, World Veterinary Day and World Tai Chi and Qigong Day.

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Quip for the day....There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oldie but goodie.....

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on TV."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six points.  Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino.  He's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

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Today is Sunday, April 27, the 117th day of the year.  There are 248 days left in the year.

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In 1773, the British Parliament passed the Tea Act, a bill designed to save the faltering East India Company from bankruptcy.

In 1777, the only land battle in Connecticut during the Revolutionary War, the Battle of Ridgefield, took place, resulting in a limited British victory.

In 1805, during the First Barbary War, an American-led force of Marines and mercenaries captured the city of Derna, on the shores of Tripoli.

In 1813, after surviving two dangerous expeditions into uncharted areas of the West, Zebulon Pike died during a battle of the War of 1812.

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Today----Actress Anouk Aimee is 82, Announcer Casey Kasem is 82, Actress Judy Carne is 75, Rhythm and Blues singer Cuba Gooding is 70, Singer Ann Peebles  is 67, Rhythm and Blues singer Herbie Murrell (The Stylistics) is 65, Actor Douglas Sheehan is 65, Rock musician Ace Frehley (KISS) is 63, Basketball player George Gervin is 62 and Talk show host Larry Elder is 62.

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April 27th is:  Babe Ruth Day, Holocaust Remembrance Day, Mantanzas Mule Day, Morse Code Day, Mother-Father Deaf Day, National Pet Parent's Day and Pinhole Photography Day.

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Quip for the day.......the last plane I flew on was so old there was a copy of the "Saturday Evening Post" in the seat pocket.

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Larryj


Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp#ixzz306IomWKw

[larryJ]

Today's------hah........

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: "Ames" "Here" "Jenson" "Here" "Jones" "Here" "Magersky""Here: "Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

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Today is Monday, April 28, the 118th day of the year.  There are 247 days left in the year.

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In 1758, future U.S. Senator and President James Monroe was born in Virginia.

In 1897, the Chickasaw and Choctaw, two of the Five Civilized Tribes, became the first to agree to abolish tribal government.

In 1967, boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted into the U.S. Army and was immediately stripped of his heavyweight title.

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Today------Pulitzer Prize-winning author Harper Lee is 88, Actress-Singer Ann-Margaret is 73, Singer Scott Fitzgerald is 66, Author Terry Pratchett is 66, Actress Marcia Strassman is 66, Former "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno is 64, Singer Wayne Osmond (The Osmond Brothers) is 63, Pianist Chuck Leavell is 62, Actress Mary Mcdonnell is 62 and Singer Kim Gordon is 61.

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April 28th is:  Biological Clock Day, Workers Memorial Day and World Day For Safety And Health At Work.

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Quip for the day......the first five days after the weekend are the toughest.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---good one......

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

And that is what's wrong with our government.

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In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp.

In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon announced he was releasing edited transcripts of some secretly made White House tape recordings related to Watergate.

In 1986, in a game against the Seattle Mariners, Roger Clemons of the Boston Red Sox became the first pitcher in Major League Baseball to strike out 20 batters in a nine inning game.

In 1992, rioting resulting in 55 deaths erupted in Los Angeles after a jury in Simi Valley, California, acquitted four Los Angeles police officers of almost all state charges in the videotaped beating of Rodney King.

In 2004, the last Oldsmobile came off the assembly line in Lansing, Michigan, signaling the end of the 106-year-old automotive brand.

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Today-------Poet Rod McKuen is 81, Bluesman Otis Rush is 79, Composer Zubin Mehta is 78, Actor Richard Kline is 70, Golfer Johnny Miller is 67, Singer Tommy James is 67, Actress Anita Dobson is 65, Author David Icke is 62 and Comedian Jerry Seinfeld is 60.

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April 29th is:  Day Of Remembrance For All Victims Of Chemical Warfare, International Dance Day, One Day Without Shoes Day, "Peace" Rose Day, World Wish Day and Zipper Day.

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Quip for the day......Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------funny.......

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day.

Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THAT?!?!"

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Today is Wednesday, April 30, the 120th day of the year.  There are 245 days left in the year.

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In 1789, George Washington took the oath of office in New York as the first president of the United States.

In 1803, the United States purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for 60 million francs.

In 1927, the Federal Industrial Institution for Women, the first women's federal prison, opened in Alderson, West Virginia.

In 1939, the New York World's Fair opened in New York City.  The opening ceremony ushered in the first day of television broadcasting in New York.

In 1958, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) was founded.

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Today----Actress Cloris Leachman is 88, Singer Willie Nelson is 81, Actor Burt Young is 74, Singer Bobby Vee is 71, Singer Merrill Osmond (The Osmond Brothers) is 61 and Director Jane Campion is 60.

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April 30th is:  Adopt A Shelter Pet Day, Bugs Bunny Day, International Guide Dogs Day, International Jazz Day, National Animal Advocacy Day, National Honesty Day and Spank Out Day-USA.

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Quip for the day......My opinions are my wife's, and she says I am lucky to have them.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah.....

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

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Today is Thursday, May 1, the 121st day of the year.  There are 244 days left in the year.

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In 1931, New York's 102-story Empire State Building was dedicated.

In 1941, the Orson Welles motion picture "Citizen Kane" premiered.

In 1960, an American U-2 spy plane, piloted by Frances Gary Powers, was shot down while conducting espionage over the Soviet Union.

In 1992, on the third day of the Los Angeles riots, a visibly shaken Rodney King appeared in public to appeal for calm, pleading, "Can we all get along?"

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Today------Country singer Sonny James is 85, Actress Una Stubbs is 77, Golfer Frank Beard is 75, Singer Judy Collins is 75, Actor Stephen Macht is 72, Singer Rita Coolidge is 69, Actress Joanna Lumley is 68, Actor Dann Florek is 64 and Singer-songwriter Ray Parker Jr. is 60.

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May 1st is:  Amtrak Day, Batman Day, Executive Coaching Day, Global Love Day, Keep Kids Alive! Drive 25 Day, Law Day, Lei Day, Loyalty Day, May Day, Mother Goose Day, National Bubba Day, National Day Of Prayer, National Day Of Reason, National Purebred Dog Day, New Homeowner's Day, School Principals' Day, Silver Star Day and Stepmother's Day.

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Quip for the day..........A penny saved is not spent.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------I always liked this one......

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

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Today is Friday, May 2, the 122nd day of the year.  There are 243 days left in the year.

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In 1908, the original version of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," with music by Albert Von Tilzer and lyrics by Jack Norworth, was published.

In 1939, New York Yankees first baseman Lou Gehrig benched himself for poor play and ended his streak of consecutive games played at 2,130.

In 1972, J. Edgar Hoover died after nearly five decades as the Director of the FBI.

In 2011, Osama Bin Laden was killed by elite American forces at his Pakistan compound, then quickly buried at sea.

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Today-------Actor Theodore Bikel is 90, Actress Norma Aleandro is 78, Singer Engelbert Humperdinck is 78, Singer Leslie Gore is 68, Actor David Suchet is 68, Country singer Larry Gatlin is 66, Author Alan Titchmarsh is 65, Singer Louis Andrew Grammatico (Foreigner) is 64, Actress Christine Baranski is 62, Basketball player Jamaal Wilkes is 61 and Singer Angela Bofill is 60.

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May 2nd is:  International Space Day, Martin Z. Mollusk Day, No Pants Day, Roberts Rule Of Order Day and Tuba Day.

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Quip for the day.......I had amnesia once..........or twice........

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------funny........

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again, is it?"

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Today is Saturday, May 3, the 123rd day of the year.  There are 242 days left in the year.

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In 1802, Washington, D.C. was incorporated as a city.

In 1948, the Supreme Court ruled that covenants prohibiting the sale of real estate to blacks or members of other racial groups were legally unenforceable.

In 1952, the Kentucky Derby was televised nationally for the first time on CBS; the winner was Hill Gail.

In 1999, some 70 tornadoes roared across Oklahoma and Kansas killing 46 and injuring hundreds.

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Today-------Actor George Gaynes is 97, Actress Ann B. Davis is 88, Singer Frankie Valli is 80, Sports announcer Greg Gumbel is 68, Actor Chris Mulkey is 66, Actor Ron Canada is 65, Pop singer Mary Hopkin is 64 and Singer Christopher Cross is 63.

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May 3rd is:  Beer Pong Day, Bladder Cancer Awareness Day, Free Comic Book Day, Garden Meditation Day, Hug Your Cat Day, Join Hands Day, Lumpy Rug Day, National Day To Prevent Teen Pregnancy, National Homebrew Day, National Scrapbooking Day, National Two Different Colored Shoes Day, Paranormal Day, Public Radio Day, World Press Freedom Day and Kentucky Derby.

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Quip for the day.....It doesn't matter if you win or lose......until you lose.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.......

There was an inmate on death row, and he was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.

But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go
ahead.

The inmate started..."One million bottles of beer on the wall......!"

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Today is Sunday, May 4, the 124th day of the year.  There are 241 days left in the year.

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In 1776, Rhode Island declared its freedom from England, two months before the Declaration of Independence was adopted.

In 1886, at Haymarket Square in Chicago, a labor protest for an 8-hour work day turned into a deadly riot when a bomb exploded.

In 1904, the United States took over construction of the Panama Canal.

In 1932, mobster Al Capone, convicted of income tax evasion, entered the federal penitentiary in Atlanta.

In 1970, at Kent State University in Ohio, National Guardsmen fired into a group of student protesters, killing four and wounding 11.

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Today--------Opera singer Roberta Peters is 84, Rock musician Dick Dale is 77, Author George F. Will is 73, Voice actor Russi Taylor is 70, Actor Richard Jenkins is 67, Race car driver John Force is 65, Guitarist Mick Mars (Motley Crue) is 63, Singer Jackie Jackson is 63, Singer-actress Pia Zadora is 62 and Rhythm and Blues singer Oleta Adams is 61.

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May 4th is:  Intergalactic Star Wars Day, International Baby Lost Mother's Day, International Firefighters Day, International Respect For Chickens Day, Lemonade Day, Mayday For Mutts, Motorcycle Mass and Blessing Of The Bikes Day, National Infertility Survival Day, Petite And Proud Day, Star Wars Day, World Give Day and World Laughter Day.

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Quip for the day....In any household, junk accumulates in proportion to the space available for storage.

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Larryj