another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------busy morning...

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.

Assessor: And what about the cabin of the truck in which you drive?

Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.

Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead.

Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.

Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

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Today is Tuesday, April 15, the 105th day of the year.  There are 260 days left in the year.

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In 1783, the Continental Congress of the United States officially ratified the preliminary peace treaty with Great Britain.

In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln died nine hours after being shot the night before.

In 1947, Jackie Robinson became the first African-American player in Major League Baseball when he took the field at Ebbets Field.

In 1967, massive parades to protest Vietnam policy were held in New York City and San Francisco.

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Today---Country singer Roy Clark is 81, Actress Claudia Cardinale is 76, Actor Michael Tucci is 68 and Actress Lois Childs is 67.

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April 15th is: Bicycle Day, Income Tax Pay Day, Jackie Robinson Day, McDonald's Day, Rubber Eraser Day, Take A Wild Guess Day, That Sucks Day, World Art Day, National Library Workers Day and National Library Day.

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Quip for the day...........I've been training to become a cage fighter.  My first fight is next week.  That parakeet won't know what hit it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------out of the mouths of kids......

A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one.

Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, "Why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"

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Today is Wednesday, April 16, the 106th day of the year.  There are 259 days left in the year.

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In 1862, during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia.

In 1862, the Confederacy conscripted all white men between the ages of 18 to 35.

In 1940, Cleveland Indians' Bob Feller pitched his first no-hitter game.

In 1947, a giant explosion occurred during the loading of fertilizer onto the freighter Grandcamp at a pier in Texaco City, Texas, killing nearly 600 people.

In 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. wrote his "Letter From Birmingham Jail" in which he said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

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Today------Singer Bobby Vinton is 79, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 67, NFL coach Bill Belichick is 62, Actor Billy West is 62 and Actress Ellen Barkin is 60.

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April 16th is: National Bookmobile Day, National Health Care Decisions Day, National Stress Awareness Day, National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day and Save The Elephant Day.

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Quip for the day.........Altzheimer's Advantage #2:  You can hide your own Easter eggs.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---Easter jokes........

                                   The Rules of Chocolate

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car without it melting.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.

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Today is Thursday, April 17, the 107th day of the year.  There are 258 days left in the year.

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In 1790, American statesman, printer, scientist and writer Benjamin Franklin died in Philadelphia at age 84.

In 1961, some 1,500 CIA-trained Cuban exiles launched the disastrous Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba in an attempt to topple Fidel Castro, whose forces crushed the incursion by the third day.

In 1964, the Ford Mustang, a two-seat, mid engine sports car, was officially unveiled at the World's Fair in Flushing Meadows, New York.

In 1969, a jury in Los Angeles convicted Sirhan Sirhan of assassinating Sen. Robert F. Kennedy.

In 1970, Apollo 13 astronauts James A. Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swigert splashed down safely in the Pacific, four days after a ruptured oxygen tank crippled their spacecraft while enroute to the moon.

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Today-------Actor David Bradley is 72, Actress Olivia Hussey is 63 and Guitarist Michael Sembello is 60.

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April 17th is:  Bat Appreciation Day, Blah! Blah! Blah! Day, Ellis Island Family History Day, Ford Mustang Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, High Five Day, National Ask An Atheist Day, National Haiku Poetry Day, Nothing Like A Dame Day, Poem In Your Pocket Day and Support Teen Literature Day.

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Quip for the day........If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your hand and say, "In Jesus name, Amen."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----another busy morning......

How Different Religions Cope with Adversity

When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was an experience, how do I learn from it?"

When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "I must have done something really bad to deserve that."

When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was inevitable, I'm glad it's over."

When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "Which one of my deacons pushed me?"

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Today is Friday, April 18, the 108th day of the year.  There are 257 days left in the year.

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In 1775, Paul Revere began his famous ride from Charlestown to Lexington, Massachusetts, warning American colonists that the British were coming.

In 1880, Missouri was his by a string of tornadoes.  Statewide, 151 people were killed including 99 in the town of Marshfield.

In 1906, an earthquake estimated close to 8.0 on the Richter Scale struck San Francisco.

In 1923, the first game was played at the original Yankee Stadium in New York; the Yankees defeated the Boston Red Sox 4-1.

In 1942, an air squadron from the USS Hornet led by Lt. Col. James H. Doolittle raided Tokyo and other Japanese cities.

In 1945, popular journalist and war correspondent Ernie Pyle was killed by Japanese machine-gun fire on the island of Shima in the Pacific.

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Today------Actress Barbara Hale is 93, Actor James Drury is 80, Actress Hayley Mills is 68, Actor James Woods is 67, Actress Cindy Pickett is 67 and Actor Rick Moranis is 61.

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April 18th is:  Adult Autism Day, National Columnists Day, National Golf Day, Pet Owners Independence Day and International Amateur Radio Day.

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Quip for the day......kids Easter bunny joke..........What present do you give the Easter bunny?  A Hare brush.  (groan)

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----sounds about right......

The Competition

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
 
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
 
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
 
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I`m a rabbit! I`m a rabbit!"

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Today is Saturday, April 19, the 109th day of the year.  There are 256 days left in the year.

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In 1876, a Wichita, Kansas, commission voted not to rehire policeman Wyatt Earp after he beat up a candidate for county sheriff.

In 1897, John J. McDermott won the first Boston Marathon.

In 1912, a special subcommittee of the Senate Commerce Committee opened hearings in New York into the Titanic disaster.

In 1951, Gen. Douglas MacArthur, relieved of his command by President Harry S. Truman, bade farewell in an address to Congress in which he quoted a line from a ballad:  "Old soldiers never die; they just fade away."

In 1995, a truck bomb destroyed the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, killing 168 people.

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Today------Actor Hugh O'Brian is 89, Actress Elinor Donahue is 77, Actor Tim Curry is 68, Actor Tony Plana is 62 and Comedian Ruby Wax is 61.

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April 19th is:  Auctioneers Day, Husband Appreciation Day, John Parker Day, National Garlic Day, National Hanging Out Day, Record Store Day and Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day.

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Quip for the day.........Good thing:  Finding Easter eggs on Easter.  Bad thing:  Finding Easter eggs on Christmas.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah.........

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

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Today is Easter Sunday, April 20, the 110th day of the year.  There are 255 days left in the year.

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In 1861, Col. Robert E. Lee resigned his commission in the United States Army.  (Lee went on to command the Army of Northern Virginia, and eventually became Commander-in-Chief of all Confederate forces.)

In 1898, President William McKinley asked Congress to declare war on Spain.

In 1912, Boston's Fenway Park hosted its first professional baseball game while Navin Field (Tiger Stadium) opened in Detroit.

In 1914, the Ludlow Massacre took place when the Colorado National Guard opened fire on a tent colony of striking miners; about 20 (accounts vary) strikers, women and children died in the gunfire or were smothered by the smoke from the burning tents.

In 1999, two teenage gunmen killed 13 people in a shooting spree at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, then took their own lives.

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Today------Retired Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is 94, Actor George Takei is 77, Singer Johnny Tillotson is 75, Actor Ryan O'Neal is 73, Actor Gregory Itzin is 66, Actress Jessica Lange is 65, Actress Veronica Cartwright is 65 and Actress Louise Jameson is 63.

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April 20th is:  Easter, Chinese Language Day, Plum Pudding Day and National Pot Smokers Day.

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Quip for the day........I will never admit that I don't believe in the Easter bunny as long as I get chocolate.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.......

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.

"Isn't it true, "he bellowed, "that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?"

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.

The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, "Please answer the question."

"Oh," said the startled witness, "I thought he was talking to you."

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Today is Monday, April 21, the 111th day of the year.  There are 254 days left in the year.

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In 1836, an army of Texans led by Sam Houston defeated the Mexicans at San Jacinto, assuring Texas independence.

In 1895, Woodville Latham demonstrated his "panopticon," the first movie projector developed in the U.S.

In 1930, a fire broke out inside the overcrowded Ohio Penitentiary in Columbus, killing 332 inmates.

In 1967, General Motors celebrated the manufacture of its 100 millionth American-made car.

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Today-----Britain's Queen Elizabeth is 88, Director Elaine May is 82, Actor Charles Grodin is 79, Author Barbara Park is 67, Singer-musician Iggy Pop is 67, Actress Patti Lupone is 65 and Actor James Morrison is 60.

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April 21st is:  Boston Marathon, Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day, Dyngus Day, Kindergarten Day, National Chocolate-covered Cashew Day and National Surprise Drug Test Day.

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Quip for the day.......If I want your opinion, you will have to fill out the necessary forms.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----things you need to know......


                The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

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Today is Tuesday, April 22, the 112th day of the year.  There are 253 days left in the year.

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In 1889, the Oklahoma Land Rush began at noon as thousands of homesteaders staked claims.

In 1952, an atomic test in Nevada became the first nuclear explosion shown on live network television as a 31-kiloton bomb was dropped from a B-50 Superfortress.

In 1954, the publicly televised sessions of the Senate Army-McCarthy hearings began.

In 1970, millions of Americans observed the first Earth Day.

In 1994, former President Richard M. Nixon died after suffering a stroke four days earlier.

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Today----Actress Charlotte Rae is 88, Actress Estelle Harris is 86, Singer Glen Campbell is 78, Actor Jack Nicholson is 77, Singer Mel Carter is 71, Author Janet Evanovich is 71, Poet Louise Gluck is 71, Actress Nicole Garcia is 68, Movie director John Waters is 68 and Singer-guitarist Peter Frampton is 64.

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April 22nd is:  Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day, Earth Day, Girl Scout Leaders Day, "In God We Trust" Day, Mother Earth Day and National Jelly Bean Day.

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Quip for the day........Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oldie but goodie......

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

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Today is Wednesday, April 23, the 113th day of the year.  There are 252 days left in the year.

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In 1789, President-elect George Washington and his wife, Martha, moved into the first executive mansion, the Franklin House in New York.

In 1791, future President James Buchanan was born in Cove Gap near Mercersburg, Pennsylvania.

In 1943, during World War II, PT-109 was rammed and sunk by a Japanese destroyer, killing two crew members; the commander, Lt. jg. John F. Kennedy and 10 others survived.

In 1969, Sirhan Sirhan was sentenced to death after being convicted of assassinating Robert F. Kennedy.  His sentence was later commuted to life in prison during a time when California abolished the death penalty.

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Today-------Actor Alan Oppenheimer is 64, Actor Lee Majors is 75, Basketball player Gail Goodrich is 71, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Tony Exposito is 71, Actress Blair Brown is 67, Actress Joyce DeWitt is 65, Actor James Russo is 61 and Director Michael Moore is 60.

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April 23rd is:  English Language Day, Impossible Astronaut Day, National Lost Dog Awareness Day, Movie Theater Day, Talk Like Shakespeare Day, World Book and Copyright Day, World Book Night and Secretary's Day.

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Quip for the day.....A husband is a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance, but waits until December 24th to do his Christmas shopping.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----blonde joke day......

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911.

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

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Today is Thursday, April 24, the 114th day of the year.  There are 251 days left in the year.

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In 1800, President John Adams approved legislation to appropriate $5,000 to purchase "such books as may be necessary for the use of Congress," thus establishing the Library of Congress.

In 1908, a single tornado traveled through Louisiana and Mississippi leaving 143 people dead.

In 1980, the Unite States launched an unsuccessful attempt to free the American hostages in Iran, a mission that resulted in the deaths of eight U.S. servicemen.

In 1990, the space shuttle Discovery blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida, carrying the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope.

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Today------Director Richard Donner is 84, Actress Shirley MacLaine is 80, Actor Michael Parks is 74, Author Sue Grafton is 74, Actress-singer-director Barbra Streisand is 72 and Drummer Doug Clifford (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 69.

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April 24th is:  Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day, Take Our Daughters And Sons To Work Day and World Meningitis Day.

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Quip for the day.....I have been trying desperately to save my marriage for 35 years.

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Larryj