another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----oops.....

My wife plays pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently they celebrated the birthday of the oldest member by taking her out to lunch.

When the waitress came to take the order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Ethel's ninety-second birthday."

The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the question, "Which one of you is Ethel?"

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Today is Saturday, April 5, the 95th day of the year.  There are 270 days left in the year.

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In 1614, Pocahontas, Indian Chief Powhatan's daughter, married Englishman John Rolfe in the Virginia Colony.

In 1621, the Mayflower sailed from Plymouth Colony in present-day Massachusetts on a month long return trip to England.

In 1764, Britain's Parliament passed the American Revenue Act (aka The Sugar Act) of 1764.

In 1969, approximately 100.000 antiwar demonstrators marched in New York City demanding that the United States withdraw from Vietnam..

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Today---------Movie producer Roger Corman is 88, Singer Mary Costa is 84, Country singer Tommy Cash is 74, Actor Michael Moriarty is 73, Director Peter Greenaway is 72, Singer Alan Clarke is 72, Actress Jane Asher is 68, Drummer Les Binks is 66, Astronaut Franklin Diaz is 64, Singer Agnetha Faltskog (ABBA) is 64 and Actor Mitch Pileggi is 62.

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April 5th is:  Every Day Is Tag Day, International Pillow Fight Day, International Table Top Day, National Deep Dish Pizza Day, National Love Our Children Day and Tangible Karma Day.

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Quip for the day........If I keep talking, maybe someday I will say something intelligent.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one......

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally, the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical book and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed.

After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger....... "Dead men do bleed!!"

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Today is Sunday, April 6, the 96th day of the year.  There are 269 days left in the year.

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In 1830, in Fayette Township, New York, Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon Religion, organized the Church of Christ during a meeting with a small group of believers.

In 1864, Louisiana opened a convention in New Orleans to draft a new state constitution, one that called for the abolition of slavery.

In 1896, the first modern Olympic games formally opened in Athens, Greece.

In 1909, American explorers Robert E. Peary and Matthew A. Henson and four Inuits became the first men to reach the North Pole.

In 1917, Congress approved a declaration of was against Germany.

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Today-------Composer-conductor Andre Previn is 85, Country singer Merle Haggard is 77, Actor Billy Dee Williams is 77, Actor Roy Thinnes is 76, Movie director Barry Levinson is 72, Actor John Ratzenberger is 67, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Bert Blyleven is 63, Actress Marilu Henner is 62 and Olympic bronze medal figure skater Janet Lynn is 61.

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April 6th is:  Army Day, New Beers Eve, Drowsy Driver Awareness Day, Hostess Twinkie Day, International Day Of Sport For Development And Peace, National Student Athlete Day, "Sorry Charlie" Day, Tartan Day, The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints Day, Teflon Day and International Whistlers Day.

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Quip for the day......As you get older three things happen.  First, the memory goes...........and I can't remember the other two.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---yep.....

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired as to what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.  Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said,

"If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

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Today is Monday, April 7, the 97th day of the year.  There are 268 days left in the year.

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In 1862, Union forces led by Gen. Ulysses S. Grant defeated the Confederates at the Battle of Shiloh in Tennessee.

In 1922, the Teapot Dome Scandal had its beginnings as Interior Secretary Albert B. Fall signed a secret deal to lease Navy petroleum reserves in Wyoming and California to oilmen Harry F. Sinclair and Edward L. Doheny in exchange for cash gifts.

In 1947, auto pioneer Henry Ford died in Dearborn, Michigan, at age 83.

In 1984, the Census Bureau reported Los Angeles had overtaken Chicago as the nation's second largest city.

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Today-----Actor James Garner is 86, Actor Andrew Sachs is 84, Country singer Cal Smith is 82, Actor Wayne Rogers is 81, Country singer Bobby Bare is 79, Movie director Francis Ford Coppola is 75, Actress Cornelia Frances is 73, Singer Patricia Paay is 65, Songwriter John Oates is 65, Singer Janis Ian is 63, Actor Clark Peters is 62, Football player Tony Dorsett is 60 and Actor Jackie Chan is 60.

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April 7th is:  Day Of Remembrance Of The Victims Of The Rwanda Genocide, International Beaver Day, International Snail Papers Day, Metric System Day, National Beer Day, No Housework Day, Tater Day and World Health Organization Day.

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Quip for the day.......A new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----funny.......

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

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Today is Tuesday, April 8, the 98th day of the year.  There are 267 days left in the year.

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In 1864, the United States Senate passed, 38-6, the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution abolishing slavery.

In 1904, Longacre Square in Manhattan was renamed Times Square after the New York Times.

In 1935, Congress voted to approve the Works Projects Administration (WPA), a part of President Franklin D. Roosevelt's "New Deal."

In 1952, President Harry S. Truman seized the steel industry to avert a nationwide strike.

In 1974, Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves hit his 715th career home run breaking Babe Ruth's record.

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Today-------Comedian Shecky Greene is 88, Actor John Gavin is 83, Basketball Hall-of-Famer John Havlicek is 74, Songwriter-producer Leon Huff is 72 and Singer Brenda Russell is 65.

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April 8th is:  Buddha Day, Draw A Bird Day, Equal Pay Day, International Roma Day, Trading Cards For Grown-ups Day and National Be Kind To Lawyers Day.

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Quip for the day.........Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.  After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------yep.........

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.  The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said,

"Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

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Today is Wednesday, April 9, the 99th day of the year.  There are 266 days left in the year.

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In 1865, Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrendered his army to Union General Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Courthouse in Virginia.

In 1939, Singer Marian Anderson performed a concert at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., after being denied the use of Constitution Hall by the Daughters Of The American Revolution.

In 1942, during World War II, American and Philippine defenders on Bataan capitulated to Japanese forces; the surrender was followed by the notorious Bataan Death March.

In 1947, the town of Woodward, Oklahoma, was nearly wiped off the map by a powerful tornado.

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Today-------Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Heffner is 88, Songwriter Tom Lehrer is 86, Actor Jean-Paul Belmondo is 81, Actress Michael Learned is 75, Drummer Steve Gadd is 69, Actress Jaya Bachchan is 66, Artist Tom Cragg is 65 and Actor Dennis Quaid is 60.

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April 9th is:  National Cherish An Antique Day, National Former Prisoner Of War Recognition Day, Appomattox Day, Jenkins Ear Day and Winston Churchill Day.

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Quip for the day......My wife drives with her knees.  How else would she be able to put on her lipstick and talk on the phone?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah.....

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"

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Today is Thursday, April 10, the 100th day of the year.  There are 265 days left in the year.

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In 1866, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals was founded.

In 1912, the RMS Titanic set sail from Southampton, England, on its ill-fated maiden voyage.

In 1933, the Civilian Conservation Corps was created in Washington, D.C.

In 1947, Brooklyn Dodgers president Branch Rickey purchased the contract of Jackie Robinson from the Montreal Royals.

In 1953, the 3-D horror movie "House of Wax," produced by Warner Bros. and starring Vincent Price, premiered.

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Today--------Actor Max von Sydow is 85, Actress Liz Sheridan is 85, Actor Omar Sharif is 82, Sportscaster John Madden is 78, Football player Mel Blount is 66, Actor Steven Segal is 62, Journalist Pamela Wallin is 61 and Actor Peter MacNicol is 60.

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April 10th is:  ASPCA Day, National Farm Animals Day, National Sibling Day, National Alcohol Screening Day, Salvation Army Founder's Day and Safety Pin Day.

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Quip for the day.........(from my wife's grandmother--classic).....Wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills up first.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oops........

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said,

"Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

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Today is Friday, April 11, the 101st day of the year.  There are 264 days left in the year.

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In 1803, in one of the greatest surprises in diplomatic history, French Foreign Minister Charles Maurice de Talleyrand made an offer to sell all of the Louisiana Territory to the United States.

In 1899, the treaty ending the Spanish-American War was declared in effect.

In 1921, Iowa became the first state to impose a cigarette tax, at 2 cents a package.

In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the notorious Nazi concentration camp Buchenwald in Germany.

In 1951, President Harry S. Truman relieved Gen. Douglas MacArthur of command of the U.S. forces in Korea.

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Today-------Ethel Kennedy is 86, Actor Joel Grey is 82, Actress Louise Lassiter is 75, Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Ellen Goodman is 73, Actor Peter Riegert is 67, Movie director Carl Franklin is 65 and Actor Bill Irwin is 64.

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April 11th is:  Barbershop Quartet Day, Day Of Silence, Education and Sharing Day, International "Louie Louie" Day, National Pet Day, National Teach Your Children To Save Day and World Parkinson's Disease Day.

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Quip for the day.........Just plead the Fifth.........or drink it.....either way.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------good one.....

A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders, "Where is God?"

The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond.

"Okay, Mary, Where is God?"

"He is everywhere,"

"Very good that's right."

But still there were two children that didn't put their hands down, so the teacher continued.

"Okay, Michael, Where is God?"

"God is inside me."

"Very good that's right."

Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand.  He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him.

"Okay, Danny, Where is God?"

"He's in our bathroom."

Well the teacher just had to ask, "How do you know he's in the bathroom?"

The answer came, "Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says, 'My God are you still in there?' "

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Today is Saturday, April 12, the 102nd day of the year.  There are 263 days left in the year.

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In 1861, the American Civil War began as Confederate forces opened fire on Fort Sumter in South Carolina.

In 1945, while on vacation in Warm Springs, Georgia, President Franklin D. Roosevelt died from a stroke.

In 1954, Bill Haley and the Comets recorded "(We're gonna) Rock Around The Clock."

In 1955, the Salk vaccine against polio was declared safe and effective.

In 1961, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the first man to fly in space, orbiting the Earth once before making a safe landing.

In 1981, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off on its first test flight.

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Today----Author Beverly Cleary is 98, Actress Jane Withers is 88, Jazz musician Herbie Hancock is 74, Singer John Kay (Steppenwolf) is 70, Actor Ed O'Neill is 68, Talk show host David Letterman is 67, Singer David Cassidy is 64 and Singer Pat Travers is 60.

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April 12th is:  D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything And Read), Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day, International Day Of Human Space Flight, Baby Massage Day, International Day For Street Children, Licorice Day, Slow Art Day and Walk On Your Wild Side Day.

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Quip for the day..........By doing just a little every day, I can let the task overwhelm me.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.........

Eight men have been at a mental hospital for a period of time and are being tested to find out how they are progressing in order for them to leave the institution. The doctor in charge takes them all into a room and with a ball pen draws a door on the wall and asks each one of the patients to try and open the door for him as part of the test. Seven of them rushed up and attempted to open the door on the wall. The doctor was disappointed with the results but never the less called on the last one who was still sitting down and asked him why didn't he stand up and try to open the door with the others.

The eighth man replied: "because I was holding the key to the door."

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Today is Sunday, April 13, the 103rd day of the year.  There are 262 days left in the year.

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In 1613, Pocahontas, daughter of Chief Powhatan, was captured by English Capt. Samuel Argall in the Virginia Colony and held in exchange for prisoners and stolen weapons.  (She later opted to stay with the English.)

In 1742, Handel's "Messiah" had its first public performance in Dublin, Ireland.

In 1861, Fort Sumter in South Carolina fell to Confederate forces.

In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt dedicated the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.

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Today-------Movie director Stanley Donen is 90, Actor Lyle Waggoner is 79, Actor Edward Fox is 77, Actor Paul Sorvino is 75, Rhythm and Blues singer Lester Chambers is 74, Movie-TV composer Bill Conti is 72, Bassist Jack Casady (Jefferson Airplane) is 70, Actor Tony Dow is 69, Singer Al Green is 68, Actor Ron Perlman is 64, Actor William Sadler is 64, Singer Peabo Bryson is 63, Drummer Max Weinberg (E-Street Band) is 63 and Actor Peter Davidson is 63.

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April 13th is:  Global Day To End Child Sexual Abuse, Thomas Jefferson Day, Scrabble Day, Undiagnosed Children's Awareness Day and World Youth Day and Palm Sunday.

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Quip for the day.....one of Murphy's laws........The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------good one....

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

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Today is Monday, April 14, the 104th day of the year.  There are 261 days left in the year.

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In 1775, the first American society for the abolition of slavery was formed in Philadelphia.

In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was shot and mortally wounded by John Wilkes Booth while watching a performance of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theater in Washington.

In 1912, the British liner RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic at 11:40 ship's time and began sinking.  The ship went under 2 hours and 40 minutes later with the loss of 1,514 lives.

In 1935, in what became known as "Black Sunday", one of the most devastating dust storms of the 1930s Dust Bowl swept across Western Kansas, Southeastern Colorado, the panhandles of Texas and Oklahoma and Northeastern New Mexico.

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Today----Country singer Loretta Lynn is 82, Actress Shani Wallace is 81, Actress Julie Christie is 73, Baseball player Pete Rose is 73, Guitarist Mike Brewer (Brewer and Shipley) is 70, Guitarist  Ritchie Blackmore (Deep Purple) is 69 and Actor Chris Langham is 65.

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April 14th is:  Children With Alopecia Day, Dictionary Day, Global Day Of Action On Military Spending, International Moment Of Laughter Day, National Dolphin Day, National Pecan Day, Pan American Day and Pathologists' Assistant Day.

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Quip for the day...........Bad decisions make great stories.

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Larryj