another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------hah.....

A businessman is going to New York and calls a small airline for reservations.  He wanted to avoid the big crowds of a larger plane and the small airline did state that they served a wonderful lunch.

He arrives at the airport and goes to the gate and boards the plane.  He is thinking this is great.....only about ten other passengers, just what he wanted.

Later, the one and only stewardess came along and asked him if he wanted lunch.  He replied, "What are my choices?"

She replied, "Yes and No."

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Today is Sunday, March 16, the 75th day of the year.  There are 290 days left in the year.

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In 1802, the United States Military Academy was founded at West Point, New York.

In 1903, Roy Bean, the self-proclaimed "Law West Of The Pecos," died in Langtry, Texas.

In 1945, during World War II, American forces declared they had secured Iwo Jima, although pockets of Japanese resistance remained.

In 1968, during the Vietnam War, the My Lai Massacre of Vietnamese civilians was carried out by Army troops; estimates of the death toll vary between 347 and 504 people.

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Today------Comedian-director Jerry Lewis is 88, Astronaut Walter Cunningham is 82, Game Show host Chuck Woolery is 73, Movie director Bernardo Bertolucci is 73, Actor Erik Estrada is 65, Actor Victor Garber is 65, Actress Kate Nelligan is 63 and Rock singer-musician Nancy Wilson (Heart) is 60.

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March 16th is:  Freedom Of Information Day, Curlew Day, Goddard Day, Lips Appreciation Day, Purim and St. Urho's Day.

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Quip for the day........to the best of my recollection...I don't remember.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----funny.........

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

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Today is Monday, March 17, the 76th day of the year.  There are 289 days left in the year.

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In 1762, New York's first St. Patrick's Day parade took place.

In 1950, scientists at the University of California at Berkeley announced they had created a new radioactive element, "californium."

In 1958, the Champs "Tequila" was the #1 song on the pop charts.

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Today------Actor Gabriele Ferzetti is 89, Astronaut Ken Mattingly is 78, Singer Paul Kantner is 73, Singer John Sebastian is 70, Model Pattie Boyd is 70, Actor Patrick Duffy is 65 and Actor Kurt Russell is 63.

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March 17th is:  Campfire Girls Day, St. Patrick's Day, National Irish Coffee Day and Well-Elderly Day.

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Quip for the day......an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---hah....

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver,

"What's that building there?"

"That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie.

"The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.

"About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre.

"What's that building over there?" asked the Texan.

"That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie.

"Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.

"About three years" replied the cabbie.

"Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower.

"What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.

"Danged if I know" replied the now irritated cabbie,"It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

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Today is Tuesday, March 18, the 77th day of the year.  There are 288 days left in the year.

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In 1766, Britain repealed the Stamp Act of 1765.

In 1937, at the Consolidated School of New London, Texas, nearly 300 students were killed by an explosion of natural gas.

In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Hawaii statehood bill.

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Today-----Singer Charlie Pride is 76, Sportscaster Ron Atkinson is 75 and Actor Kevin Dobson is 71.

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March 18th is:  Awkward Moments Day, Forgive Mom And Dad Day and National Biodiesel Day.

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Quip for the day.......My mail is a little slow.  Last month the flower seeds I ordered came as a bouquet.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------busy day.....this one is old, but funny.....

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.

He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."

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Today is Wednesday, March 19, the 78th day of the day.  There are 287 days left in the year.

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In 1916, eight "Jenny" planes of the First Aero Squadron took off from Columbus, New Mexico, for the support of 7000 U.S. troops who had invaded Mexico in search of Pancho Villa.  This was the first airplane combat mission.

In 1918, Congress approved Daylight Savings Time.

In 1931, Nevada Governor Fred B. Balzar signed a measure legalizing casino gambling.

In 1945, 724 people were killed when a Japanese dive bomber attacked the carrier USS Franklin off Japan; the ship, however, was saved.

In 1957, Elvis Presley put a $1000 down payment on a house near Memphis which eventually became known as Graceland.

In 2003, President George W. Bush ordered the start of war against Iraq.

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Today--------Author Philip Roth is 81, Actress Renee Taylor is 81, Actress-singer Phyllis Newman is 81, Actress Ursula Andress is 78, Singer Ruth Pointer (The Pointer Sisters) is 68, Actress Glenn Close is 67 and Film producer Harvey Weinstein is 62.

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March 19th is:  Client's Day, Goddess Of Fertility Day, Kick Butts Day, National Chocolate Caramel Day, Operation Iraqi Freedom Day and Swallows Return To San Juan Capistrano Day.

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Quip for the day........I'm dark and handsome.  When it's dark, I'm handsome.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------old, but funny, redneck joke......

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him. The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "on my bill." As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked up to the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability!"

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Today is Thursday, March 20, the 79th day of the year.  There are 286 days left in the year.

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In 1852, Harriet Beecher Stowe's influential novel about slavery, "Uncle Tom's Cabin," was first published in book form after being serialized.

In 1854, former members of the Whig party met in Ripon, Wisconsin, to establish the Republican Party.

In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson authorized the use of U.S. troops in Alabama to protect civil rights marchers.

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Today-------Singer Dame Vera Lynn is 97, Actor Carl Reiner is 92, Actor Hal Linden is 83, Author Lois Lowry is 77, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Orr is 66, Actor John De Lancie is 66, Actor William Hurt is 64, Actress Tanya Boyd is 63, Author Louis Sachar is 60 and Talk show host Mike Francesa is 60.

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March 20th is:  Absolutely Incredible Kids Day, Alien Abduction Day, Atheist Pride Day, Bed-in For Peace Day, Companies That Care Day, Great American Meat Out Day, International Astrology Day, International Day Of Happiness, French Language Day, Kiss Your Fiancee Day, National Native HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Proposal Day, Snowman Burning Day, World Day Of Theatre For Children And Young People, World Story Telling Day, Won't You Be My Neighbor Day and Vernal Equinox (first day of Spring.)

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Quip for the day........All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------one of my favorites......

Moses and Jesus are golfing, along with an old man.

First up is Moses. He steps up to the tee and drives the ball. His shot sails down the fairway and lands off to the side of the green in the water trap. Moses parts the pond water and chips the ball onto the green.

Next up is Jesus. He takes a couple of practice swings before and hitting the ball. Jesus' shot zips straight down the fairway, but at the last minute bends to the right and lands in the water trap. So, Jesus just walks out onto the water and chips the ball up onto the green.

Finally, it's the old man's turn. He steps directly up to the tee with no warm-up and drives the ball. It sails gracefully over the fairway but heads straight toward the water trap. It's looking like he'll be in the water trap too.

However, just before the ball hits the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is dropping back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish out of the air with its talons. The eagle flies over the green, and just as it's about halfway over, a bolt of lightning shoots from the cloud above and barely misses it. The startled eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops right out of its mouth, bounces off the flag and drops into the hole for a hole-in-one.

At this point Jesus sighs loudly, then turns to the old man and says, "Pop, if you don't stop messing around, we aren't going to bring you next time."

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Today is Friday, March 21, the 80th day of the year.  There are 285 days left in the year.

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In 1963, the Alcatraz Federal prison island in San Francisco Bay closed.

In 1965, demonstrators led by the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. began their march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama.

In 1972, the Supreme Court ruled that states may not require at least a year's residency for voting eligibility.

In 1980, President Jimmy Carter announced the U.S. will boycott the Olympic Games in Moscow.

In 1980, J.R. Ewing, the character millions love to hate, was shot in the season ending episode of the popular prime time show, Dallas, leaving Americans wondering "Who shot J.R.?"

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Today-----Playwright Peter Brook is 89, Former baseball player Tommy Davis is 75, Actor Timothy Dalton is 70, Singer Eddie Money is 65, Songwriter Roger Hodgson is 64, Rhythm and blues singer Russell Thompkins Jr. (The Stylistics) is 63 and Actor Steve Halliwell is 60.

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March 21st is:  Afghanistan Day, Poetry Day, Brain Injury Awareness Day, International Day For The Elimination Of Racial Discrimination, International Day Of Forests And The Tree, Memory Day, Spring Fairy Fun Day, National Common Courtesy Day, National Day Of Action On Syringe Exchange, National Puppy Day, National Single Parent Day and World Down Syndrome Day.

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Quip for the day......me and my recliner.....we go WAY back.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---this is a good one..........

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened patiently to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man-making contest."

The man replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem." He bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. Go get your own dirt!"

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Today is Saturday, March 22, the 81st day of the year.  There are 284 days left in the year.

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In 1638, religious dissident Anne Hutchinson was expelled from the Massachusetts Bay Colony for defying Puritan orthodoxy.

In 1765, Britain passed the Stamp Act.

In 1820, U.S. naval hero Stephen Decatur was killed in a duel with Commodore James Barron near Washington, D.C.

In 1894, hockey's first Stanley Cup championship game was played in Montreal, Canada.

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Today-----Composer-lyricist Stephen Sondheim is 84, Actor William Shatner is 83, Actress May Britt is 80, Actor M. Emmet Walsh is 79, Former hockey player Dave Keon is 74, Poet Billy Collins is 73, Singer-guitarist George Benson is 71, Author James Patterson is 67, CNN Newscaster Wolf Blitzer is 66, Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber is 66 and Sportscaster Bob Costas is 62.

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March 22nd is:  As Young As You Feel Day, Education And Sharing Day, International Day Of The Seal, International Goof-off Day and World Day For Water.

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Quip for the day..........Polynesia; Memory loss in parrots.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------ouch......

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to the amusement park on the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster.  As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.  I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out.  I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.  By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time.  As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

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Today is Sunday, March 23, the 82nd day of the year.  There are 283 days left in the year.

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In 1775, Patrick Henry delivered an address to the Virginia Provincial Convention, reportedly declaring, "Give me liberty, or give me death!"

In 1806, explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, having reached the Pacific coast, began their journey back east.

In 1839, the initials "O.K." were first published in the Boston Morning Post.  It was meant as an abbreviation for "oil correct," a popular slang misspelling of "all correct" at the time.

In 1913, weather-related disasters culminated with a devastating tornado ripping through Nebraska near Omaha.  It was the worst of five tornadoes that day killing 115 people.

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Today-----Comedian Marty Allen is 92, Former baseball player Johnny Logan is 87, Olympian Sir Roger Bannister, who broke the four-minute mile in 1954, is 85, Movie director Mark Rydell is 85, Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Craig Breedlove is 77, Actor Tony Burton is 77, Director Michael Haneke is 72, Singer Ric Ocasek (The Cars) is 65, Guitarist Phil Keaggy is 63 and Singer Chaka Khan is 61.

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March 23rd is:  Black Marriage Day, Near Miss Day, OK Day and World Meteorological Day.

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Quip for the day..........There are two rules for success:  1.) Don't tell all you know.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.....

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up...

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Today is Monday, March 24, the 83rd day of the year.  There are 282 days left in the year.

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In 1832, a mob in Hiram, Ohio, tarred and feathered Mormon leaders Joseph Smith Jr. and Sidney Rigdon.

In 1882, scientist Robert Koch announced he had discovered the tuberculosis bacilli.

In 1955, Tennessee Williams' play "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof" opened in New York.

In 1958, Elvis Presley was inducted into the U.S. Army.

In 1989, The Exxon Valdez ran aground in Alaska's Prince William Sound and leaked 11 million gallons of crude oil.

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Today----Poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti is 95, Actor William Smith is 81, Scientist David Suzuki is 78, Fashion and Costume designer Bob Mackie is 75, Actor R. Lee Ermey is 70, Fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger is 63, Comedian Louis Anderson is 61, Actor Robert Carradine is 60 and Actress Donna Pescow is 60

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March 24th is:  International Day For The Right To The Truth Concerning Gross Human Rights Violations And For Dignity Of Victims, National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day and World Tuberculosis Day.

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Quip for the day.....A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------alerting beer drinkers.......

Warnings that should be placed on alcohol bottles:

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you think that you are whispering when really you aren't.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may be a major factor in you staggering around like an idiot.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the urge to call that really hot girl who is just dying to hear from you, when in fact she really isn't.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you erroneously think that you have suddenly been endowed with amazing skills at Karate and Kickboxing.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol make cause you to think that you are invisible.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the impression that people aren't really laughing AT you, they're laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may lead to unexplained carpet burns on your forehead.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may mislead you into thinking that you are more handsome, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a really, really large man named Hans.

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Today is Tuesday, March 25, the 84th day of the year.  There are 281 days left in the year.

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In 1776, Gen. George Washington, commander of the Continental Army, was awarded the first Congressional Gold Medal by the Continental Congress.

In 1947, a coal mine explosion in Centralia, Illinois, claimed 111 lives.

In 1954, RCA announced it had begun producing color television sets at its plant in Indiana.

In 1988, in New York City's so-called "Preppie Killer" case, Robert Chambers Jr. pleaded guilty.

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Today-------Modeling agency founder Eileen Ford is 92, Former astronaut James Lovell is 86, Feminist activist and author Gloria Steinem is 80, Model Anita Bryant is 74, Singer Aretha Franklin is 72, Actor Paul Michael Glaser is 71, Singer Elton John is 67, Actress Bonnie Bedelia is 66 and Singer Paul Miles is 62.

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March 25th is:  American Diabetes Association Alert Day, International Day Of Remembrance Of The Victims Of Slavery And The Transatlantic, International Day Of Solidarity With Detained And Missing Staff Members, National Agriculture Day, National Day Of Celebration Of Greek And American Democracy, National Medal Of Honor Day, Old New Year's Day, Pecan Day, Tolkien Reading Day and Vaffeldagen (Waffle Day).

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Quip for the day......The best way to save face is to keep the lower part of it shut.

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Larryj