another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----old, but I like it.......

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the heck would you say?"

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Today is Thursday, March 6, the 65th day of the year.  There are 300 days left in the year.

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In 1836, the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, fell to Mexican forces after a 13-day siege.

In 1899, the imperial Patent Office in Berlin registered Aspirin the brand name for Acetylsalicylic Acid on behalf of the Frederick Bayer Pharmaceutical Company.

In 1912, Oreo sandwich cookies were first introduced by the National Biscuit Company.

In 1944, U.S. heavy bombers staged the first full scale American raid on Berlin during World War II.

In 1964, Heavyweight boxing champion Cassius Clay officially changed his name to Muhammad Ali.

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Today-----Actress-writer Joanna Miles is 74, TV actor Ben Murphy is 72, Singer Mary Wilson (The Supremes) is 70, Guitarist David Gilmore (Pink Floyd) is 68, Singer Kiki Dee is 67, Actress Anna Maria Horsford is 67, Actor-director Rob Reiner is 67 and TV actress Jacklyn Zeman is 61.

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March 6th is:  Day Of The Dude, Nametag Day, Oreo Cookie Day and World Book Day.

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Quip for the day.......The economy is so bad......the other day my ATM gave me an IOU.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------and another.....

The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark."

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.  "Why haven't you built the ark," asked the Lord.

"Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance
by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance."

"The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals."

"The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood and the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain."

"The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians."

"I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."

Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?"

"Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."

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Today is Friday, March 7, the 66th day of the year.  There are 299 days left in the year.

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In 1850, in a three-hour speech to the U.S. Senate, Daniel Webster of Massachusetts endorsed the Compromise of 1850 to help preserve the Union.

In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for his telephone.

In 1885, the Kansas Legislature passed a law barring Texas cattle from the state between March 1 and December 1 in the latest action reflecting the love-hate relationship between Kansas and the cattle industry.

In 1926, the first successful trans-Atlantic radio-telephone conversations took place between New York and London.

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Today---Photographer Lord Snowden is 84, TV personality Willard Scott is 80, Auto racer Janet Guthrie is 76, Actor Daniel J. Travanti is 74, Entertainment executive Michael Eisner is 72, Actor John Heard is 68, Actor Robert Lawson is 67, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Franco Harris is 64, Guitarist Ernie Isley (The Isley Brothers) is 62 and Pro and College Hall-of-Famer Lynn Swann is 62.

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March 7th is:  Cereal Day, Employee Appreciation Day, Middle Name Pride Day, World Day of Prayer, Dress In Blue Day, National Be Heard Day, National Doodle Day and National Day Of Unplugging (7-8).

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Quip for the day....I SAW ELVIS!!!!!!!  He was sitting between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----funny redneck joke....

Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit and she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

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Today is Saturday, March 8, the 67th day of the year.  There are 298 days left in the year.

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In 1854, U.S. Commodore Matthew C. Perry made his second landing in Japan; within a month he concluded a treaty with the Japanese.

In 1950, Volkswagen expanded its product  line to include a microbus which went into production on this day.

In 1965, the U.S. landed its first combat troops in South Vietnam.

In 1971, Joe Frazier defeated Muhammad Ali by decision in what was billed as "The Fight Of The Century" in New York.

In 1999, New York Yankees baseball star Joe DiMaggio died at age 84.

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Today------Actress Sue Ann Langdon is 78, Football player Pete Dawkins is 76. TV actress Susan Clark is 74, Baseball player Dick Allen is 72, Musician-actor-director Mickey Dolenz is 69, Songwriter Carole Bayer Sager is 67, Pop singer Peggy March is 66 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Jim Rice is 61.

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March 8th is:  Day For Women's Rights & International Peace, Genealogy Day, International Working Women's Day, International Fanny Pack Day, International Women's Day, National Proofreading Day and National Peanut Cluster Day.

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Quip for the day.........If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----oh no.......

A priest, a Southern Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle as lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion an confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

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Today is Sunday, March 9, the 68th day of the year.  There are 297 days left in the year.

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In 1862, in the Civil War, ironclads USS Monitor and CSS Virginia (formerly USS Merrimac) clashed for five hours to a draw in Hampton Roads, Virginia.

In 1916, Mexican raiders led by Pancho Villa attacked Columbus, New Mexico, killing 18 Americans.

In 1959, the first Barbie doll went on display at the American Toy Fair in New York City.

In 1964, the first Ford Mustang, a Wimbledon White convertible, rolled off the production line in Dearborn, Michigan.

In 1985, the first-ever Adopt-A-Highway sign was erected on Texas' Highway 69.

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Today---Jazz saxophone player Ornette Coleman is 84, Singer-actress Keely Smith is 82, Actress Joyce Van Patten is 80, Actor-comedian Marty Ingels is 78, Country singer Mickey Gilley is 78, Journalist Charles Gibson is 71, Guitarist Robin Trower (Procol Harem) is 69, Singer Jeffrey Osborne is 66, Country musician Jimmie Fadden (The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band) is 66 and TV actress Lauren Koslow is 61.

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March 9th is:  Barbie Day, Check Your Batteries Day, Daylight Savings Time Begins, Get Over It Day, Joe Franklin Day, Panic Day and Girl Scout Sunday.

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Quip for the day......When their baby was born, he was so big the doctor was scared to slap him.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------good one.....

Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Edna, are sitting on the veranda.  Mabel asks Edna about a man that has asked her out on a date because Edna had been out on a date with him before.

Edna says, "Oh, you are so lucky! He is the perfect gentleman.  He showed up promptly at 7:00 PM dressed in a tux and escorted me out to a waiting limo.  He took me to a fabulous restaurant and we had lobster and all the goodies that go with it.  Then he took me back to his place.  Then he suddenly changed.  He went ballistic and ripped off my new expensive dress I had bought for the date."

Mabel says, "So, you're saying I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna says, "Oh, no, no, no.  I'm saying wear a old cheap dress."

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Today is Monday, March 10, the 69th day of the year.  There are 296 days left in the year.

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In 1785, Thomas Jefferson was appointed America's ambassador to France, succeeding Benjamin Franklin.

In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell's assistant. Thomas Watson, heard Bell say over his experimental telephone, "Mr. Watson __ come here __ I want to see you."

In 1880, the Salvation Army arrived in America from England.

In 1933, a magnitude 6.4 earthquake centered off Long Beach, California, resulted in 120 deaths.

In 1988, songwriter-singer Andy Gibb (BeeGees) died from inflammation of the heart at age 30.

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Today-----Actor Chuck Norris is 74 and Singer Tom Scholz (Boston) is 67.

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March 10th is:  Fill Our Staplers Day, International Day Of Awesomeness, Land Line Telephone Day, Maria Day, Napping Day, Salvation Army Day, U.S. Paper Money Day and Women And Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.......Epitaph:  "Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
                                              Stepped on the gas instead of the brake."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah......

A man looks out the window into his back yard and sees his dog shaking and tossing something into the air. He rushed out to find that it was the neighbors' rabbit, Mr. Bun Bun, and he was very dead. Mr. Bun Bun was also filthy with dog drool and mud, but thankfully there was no blood: his back must have broken at the first shake.

The man decided that he could not possibly explain to his neighbors how his dog had gotten into their yard and broke into the rabbit cage and killed Mr. Bun Bun while they were away. He bathed Mr. Bun Bun until completely clean and dry, placed him back in his cage, re-latched the door and hoped they would believe that their rabbit had passed away peacefully.

Several days later, the man notices his neighbor mowing his lawn, so he walks over and asks how things were going. "Well" the neighbor says, "not so well. We lost Mr. Bun Bun last week, and we are all still very upset about it all."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yes, we found him one day when we got home, and he must have died in his sleep because he looked so peaceful."

"Well, that does not sound too bad."

"Oh no, and we were not surprised: I mean he was very old, and had really started to show his age the last few months."

"I guess I am a bit confused then, as to why your family is still upset."

"Well, we buried the little guy out by the back fence and thought we were all done with it, but you are not going to believe this.  Someone dug him up, cleaned him up and put his body back into his cage as some form of mean and nasty practical joke."

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Today is Tuesday, March 11, the 70th day of the year.  There are 295 days left in the year.

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In 1779, Congress established the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.

In 1861, the Constitution of the Confederate States of America was adopted by the Confederate Congress.

In 1888, one of the worst blizzards in American history struck the Northeast killing more than 400 people and dumping as much as 55 inches of snow in some areas.

In 1942, during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur left the Philippines.  (MacArthur vowed "I shall return" and kept that promise more than two years later.)

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Today------Media mogul Rupert Murdoch is 83, Journalist Sam Donaldson is 80, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is 78, Director Charles W. Swan is 72, Actor Stan Sherman is 67 and Singer Bobby McFerrin is 64.

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March 11th is:  Dream 2014 Day, Johnny Appleseed Day, Organize Your Home Office Day and World Plumbing Day.

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Quip for the day.........Today is a day for final decisions..........or is it?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------another oh no.......

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

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Today is Wednesday, March 12, the 71st day of the year.  There are 294 days left in the year.

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In 1864, Lt. Gen. Ulysses S. Grant assumed command as General-in-Chief of the Union Armies during the Civil War.

In 1912, the Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. had its beginnings as Juliette Gordon Low of Savannah, Georgia, founded the first American troop of the Girl Guides.

In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt delivered the first of his 30 radio addresses that came to be known as "fireside chats," telling Americans what was being done to deal with the nation's economic crisis.

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Today---Playwright Edward Albee is 86, Actress Barbara Feldon is 81, Singer Al Jarreau is 74, Actor Frank Welker is 68, Actress-singer Liza Minnelli is 68, Singer-songwriter James Taylor is 66, Actor Jon Provost is 64 and Author Carl Hiaasen is 61.

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March 12th is:  Girl Scout Birthday Day, Registered Dietician Day and World Maths Day.

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Quip for the day.........Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---one of my favorites.........

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time.

He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"

Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"

The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

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Today is Thursday, March 13, the 72nd day of the year.  There are 293 days left in the year.

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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a measure prohibiting Union military officers from returning fugitive slaves to their owners.

In 1868, for the first time in U.S. history, the impeachment of an American president got underway in the U.S. Senate.  President Andrew Johnson was accused of violating the controversial Tenure of Office Act.

In 1925, the Tennessee General Assembly approved a bill prohibiting the teaching of the theory of evolution.

In 1964, Bar manager Catherine "Kitty" Genovese, 28, was stabbed to death near her Queens, NY, apartment; the case generated controversy over the supposed reluctance of her neighbors to respond to her cries for help.

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Today-----Cartoonist Al Jaffee is 93, Jazz musician Roy Haynes is 89, Country singer Jan Howard is 84, Singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka is 75, Actor David Neilson is 65, Actor William H. Macy is 64, Journalist Charles Krauthammer is 64 and Author Ridley Peason is 61.

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March 13th is:  Donald Duck Day, Earmuffs Day, Good Samaritan Involvement Day, K-9 Veterans Day,
L. Ron Hubbard Day, National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day, Smart And Sexy Day and World Kidney Day.

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Quip for the day.........I've got all the money I will ever need........if I die by 4:00 PM.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah.......

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...""Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

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Today is Friday, March 14, the 73rd day of the year.  There are 292 days left in the year.

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In 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin, an invention that revolutionized America's cotton industry.

In 1950, The FBI instituted its "Ten Most Wanted Fugitives" list in an effort to publicize dangerous fugitives.

In 1962, Democrat Edward Kennedy officially launched in Boston his successful candidacy for the U.S. Senate seat from Massachusetts once held by his brother John F. Kennedy.   (Edward Kennedy served in the Senate for nearly 47 years.)

In 1964, Jack Ruby who killed Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of John F. Kennedy, was found guilty of murder.

In 1967, the body of President John F. Kennedy was moved to a permanent memorial site at Arlington National Cemetery.

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Today-------Astronaut Frank Borman is 86, Actor Michael Caine is 81, Composer-conductor Quincy Jones is 81, Movie director Wolfgang Petersen is 73, Actor Steve Kanaly is 68 and Comedian Billy Crystal is 66.

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March 14th is:  International Ask A Question Day, MOTH-ER Day, Potato Chip Day, Pi Day and World Sleep Day.

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Quip for the day.....I was married by a judge...I should have asked for a jury.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------late, very busy day........

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One fall night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankees victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

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Today is Saturday, March 15, the 74th day of the year.  There are 291 days left in the year.

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In 44 B.C., Julius Caesar, the "dictator for life" of the Roman Empire, was murdered by his own senators.
(Beware The Ides of March)

In 1820, as part of the Missouri Compromise, Maine was admitted to the Union as the 23rd state.

In 1913, President Woodrow Wilson met with about 100 reporters for the first formal presidential news conference.

In 1964, actress Elizabeth Taylor married actor Richard Burton in Montreal; it was her fifth marriage and his second.

In 1985, the first Internet domain name, symbolics.com was registered.

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Today------Astronaut Alan Bean is 82, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is 81, Actor Judd Hirsch is 79, Religious leader Jimmy Swaggart is 79, Musician Phil Lesh (The Grateful Dead) is 74, Singer Mike Love (The Beach Boys) is 73, Singer Sly Stone is 71 and Guitarist Ry Cooder is 67.

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March 15th is:  Brutus Day, Buzzards Day, Ides Of March, International Sports Car Racing Day, International Day Of Action Against Canadian Seal Slaughter, National Quilting Day, True Confessions Day, World Consumer Rights Day and Corn Dog Day.

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Quip for the day......A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking.  A wise man tells a woman that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

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Larryj