another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----someone hasn't heard this one......

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.  Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.  "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.  L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"  St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"  Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here. Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked.

The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

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Today is Friday, February 28, the 59th day of the year.  There are 306 days left in the year.

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In 1861, following the discovery of gold on Pike's Peak, Congress created the Territory of Colorado.

In 1911, President William Howard Taft nominated William H. Lewis to be the first black Assistant Attorney General.

In 1953, James D. Watson and Francis H.C. Crick announced they had discovered the double-helix structure of DNA.

In 1983, after 11 season, the sitcom M*A*S*H* ended with a special 2 1/2 hour special episode.

In 1993, a gun battle erupted at a religious compound near Waco, Texas, when Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agents tried to arrest Branch Davidian leader David Koresh; four agents and six Davidians were killed as a 51-day standoff began.

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Today----Architect Frank Gehry is 85, Actor Gavin McLeod is 83, Actor Don Francks is 82, Actor Tommy Tune is 75, Hall-of-Fame Racer Mario Andretti is 74, Actress Kelly Bishop is 70 and Actress Bernadette Peters is 66.

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February 28th is:  Floral Design Day, National Tooth Fairy Day, Read Me Day, Rare Disease Day and US Snow Shoe Days (2/28-3/2).

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Quip for the day.....Old Irish Wedding Blessing........May every day of your life together be worse than the next.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Diane, we are indeed getting rain.  It rained early Thursday morning, actually during the night Wednesday, but by about 10 AM, the sun was shining and the sky was a beautiful blue.  The second storm hit us last night around midnight and this one is supposed to really dump some rain on us.  But it is not so heavy that it just runs off.  The biggest problem is the recent burn area in the local mountains from a few weeks ago.  There is no vegetation to hold the hillsides and people in that area are being told to evacuate because of the probability of mudslides. 

Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

How far away from you are the evacuations taking place? I know you aren't too far from that last burn area. really a shame.

[larryJ]

We are about 10 miles from the foothills where the evacuations are taking place, but in this huge area, there is nothing but houses and stores, etc., between us and that.  No worries here.  In picking up the granddaughters from school today, there was no tree club meeting.  Some of us usually sit under the oak tree and wait for the older kids to get out.  But today was too wet and too cold and too windy.  I brought the kindergartener home because #3 granddaughter was here and then went back for #1.  In the five miles between home and school, I got dumped on pretty heavy at times.  At one point, I thought it was hail, but just big drops.  This storm is supposed to last through the rest of today and tonight and into tomorrow.  The news is going pretty much all the time because of the danger of mudslides.  What is worse is the idiots that have to venture out to the Los Angeles River in the downtown area to see the water.  There are also homeless camps along there.  So naturally people get trapped by the flood waters and have to be rescued by the swift water rescue teams.  Sometimes this involves a helicopter, but today was too windy.  Two of these idiots and two pit bulls became trapped and had to be rescued.  The swift rescue team had to get out to them and tie off some ropes to tree trunks and then pull a raft over from the road to where they were.  it took about an hour, but they got it done.  People here are not used to heavy weather and want to be looky loos and get into trouble.  If you remember the movie Grease, there was a scene of a car race in a concrete wash area.  That is the Los Angeles River which usually doesn't have much water in it.......until it rains.

It is a good day to stay in and drink hot chocolate.  The wife, however, decided to take the girls to Skyzone so they could jump in the bouncy houses.  This required me to have to move car seats for the two younger ones to her car.  So I got a little wet...........but hey, anything for the grandkids, right?

Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

I'm glad to hear all is more or less good with you. The news had shown some really rough stuff. I hate when the rubber neckers/dare devils get into trouble and cause our swift water rescue teams to have to risk themselves for someone/ones who should have known better. Stay safe and enjoy that hot chocolate.
Al is getting ready to take the snow blower back out of the little barn and put it back in the garage....AGAIN!!!!!  Sunday night into Monday could be really bad again depending on the details of the storm's path.We have all had just about enough.

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah......

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level.  He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

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Today is Saturday, March 1, the 60th day of the year.  There are 305 days left in the year.

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In 1781, the Articles of Confederation were finally ratified.

In 1790, President George Washington signed a measure authorizing the first U.S. Census.

In 1872, President Ulysses S. Grant signed an act creating Yellowstone National Park.

In 1932, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr., the 20-month-old son of Charles and Anna Lindbergh, was kidnapped from the family home near Hopewell, New Jersey.

In 1943, wartime rationing of processed foods began in the U.S.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy issued an executive order establishing the Peace Corps.

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Today-----Actor Robert Clary is 88, Singer Harry Belafonte is 87, Actor Robert Conrad is 79, Singer Roger Daltrey (The Who) is 70, Actor Dirk Benedict is 69, Actress Lana Wood is 68, Actor Alan Thicke is 67, Actor-Director Ron Howard is 60 and Actress Catherine Bach is 60.

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March 1st is:  Asiatic Fleet Memorial Day, Wear Yellow Day, National Horse Protection Day, National Peanut Lover's Day, Peace Corps Day, Pig Day, Plan A Solo Vacation Day, Refired, Not Retired Day, Saint David's Day, Sock Monkey Day, World Compliment Day and Zero Discrimination Day.

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Quip for the day........Living on Earth can be expensive, but it includes a free trip around the Sun.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------good one......

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.  The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.  You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

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Today is Sunday, March 2, the 61st day of the year.  There are 304 days left in the year.

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In 1836, the Republic of Texas declared its independence from Mexico.

In 1877, Republican Rutherford B. Hayes was declared the 1876 presidential winner. Democrat Samuel J. Tilden, the popular vote winner.

In 1917, Puerto Ricans were granted U.S. citizenship as President Woodrow Wilson signed the Jones-Shafroth Act.

In 1939, Massachusetts lawmakers ratified the Bill of Rights, 147 years after the first 10 Amendments were effected.

In 1966, in Dearborn, Michigan, Ford Motor Company celebrated the production of its 1 millionth Mustang, a white convertible.  The mustang model was officially launched two years earlier on April 17, 1964.

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Today----Author Tom Wolfe is 83, Actress Barbara Luna is 75, Author John Irving is 72, Guitarist Larry Carlton is 66, Actress Gates McFadden is 65, Actress Cassie Yates is 63 and Actress Larraine Newman is 62.

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March 2nd is:  Academy Awards Night, Daughters' And Sons' Day, Dr. Seuss Day, Iditarod Begins, Namesake Day, National Frozen Food Day and National Peanut Butter And Jelly Day.

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Quip for the day.......A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----hah........

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour
her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me".  She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback!!!!

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Today is Monday, March 3, the 62nd day of the year.  There are 303 days left in the year.

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In 1820, Congress passed the Missouri Compromise.

In 1849, the U.S. Department of the Interior was established.

In 1931, President Herbert Hoover signed a congressional act making "The Star Spangled Banner" the official national anthem of the United States.

In 1991, motorist Rodney King was severely beaten by Los Angeles police officers in a scene captured on amateur video.

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Today-----Movie producer-director George Miller is 69, Actress Hattie Winston is 69, Actor Larry Pine is 69, Singer Jennifer Warnes is 67, Astronaut Bonnie Dunbar is 65 and Actor Robert Gossett is 60.

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March 3rd is:  Casimir Pulaski Day, Fun Facts About Names Day, I Want You To Be Happy Day, World Wildlife Day, National Anthem Day, NEA's Read Across America Day, Princess Day and What If Cats And Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs? Day.

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Quip for the day.....If you can't convince them, confuse them.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----groaner.....

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".

The other replied, "No, it's not!".

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."

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Today is Tuesday, March 4, the 63rd day of the year.  There are 302 days left In the year.

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In 1789, the Constitution of the United States went into effect as the first Federal Congress met in New York.

In 1791, Vermont became the 14th state.

In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated as the 16th President of the United States.

In 1994, in New York, four extremists were convicted of the 1993 World Trade Center bombing that killed six people and injured more than a thousand.

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Today-------Actress Paula Prentiss is 76, Movie director Adrian Lyne is 73, Reality Star Richard Harrison is 73, Singer Bobby Womack is 70, Bassist Chris Squire (Yes) is 66, Singer Chris Rea is 63, TV actor Ronn Moss is 62 and TV actress Kay Lenz is 61.

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March 4th is:  Mardi Gras, Pancake Day, Packzi Day, Shrovetide, Benjamin Harrison Day, Courageous Follower Day, Holy Experiment Day, International Scrapbooking Industry Day, March Forth-Do Something Day, National Grammar Day, Old Inauguration Day, Peace Corp Day, Toy Soldier Day and Unique Names Day.

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Quip for the day-----Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----about right.......

Health Care Differences

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with identical complaints.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever...

...the second is a Senior Citizen.

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Today is Wednesday, March 5, the 64th day of the year.  There are 301 days left in the year.

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In 1770, the Boston Massacre took place as British soldiers who were taunted by a crowd of colonists opened fire, killing five people.

In 1960, Elvis Presley was discharged from the U.S. Army.

In 1963, Wham-O received a patent for its Hula Hoop which was first marketed in 1958.

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Today----Actor James Noble is 92, TV actor Dean Stockwell is 78, Former NFL player Fred Williamson is 76, Actress Samantha Eggar is 75, Actor Michael Warren is 68, Former NFL player Rocky Bleier is 68, Songwriter Tom Russell is 67 and Singer Elaine Paige is 66.

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March 5th is:  Discover What Your Name Means Day, National Absinthe Day and Saint Piran's Day.

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Quip for the day......When I was younger, I just want a BMW.  Now that I'm older, I don't need the W.

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Larryj