another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---oh no.........

A redneck buys a lottery ticket and he wins.  So he goes to the lottery official and hands in the winning ticket and says, "I want my $20 million."

The lottery official says, "That's not the way it works.  You get a million now and the rest over the next nineteen years."

The redneck says, "Nope, I want my $20 million right now.  I won it and it's mine."

Again, the lottery official says, "You can't have it all now.  You get a million now and the rest over the next nineteen years."

The redneck then said, "Give me my $20 million now or GIVE ME MY DOLLAR BACK!"

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Today is Friday, January 31, the 31st day of the year.  There are 334 days left in the year.

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In 1865, the U.S. House of Representatives passed the 13th Amendment to the Constitution abolishing slavery in America.

In 1865, Gen. Robert E. Lee was named general-in-chief of all the Confederate armies.

In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Gold Reserve Act.

In 1958, the United States entered the Space Age with the first successful launch of a satellite into orbit, Explorer 1.

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Today-------Actress Carol Channing is 93, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ernie Banks is 83, Composer Philip Glass is 77, Singer Charlie Musselwhite is 70, Director Glynn Turman is 67. Baseball Hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan is 67, Singer-musician Harry Wayne Casey (KC and The Sunshine Band) is 63 and Guitarist Adrian Vanderberg is 60.

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January 31st is:  Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day, Chinese New Year (Year of the Horse), Fun At Work Day, Inspire Your Heart With Art Day, National Pre-school Fitness Day and Street Children Day.

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Quip for the day.....My ex-wife's other car is a broom.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------old but funny......

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

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Today is Saturday, February 1, the 32nd day of the year,  There are 333 days left in the year.

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In 1790, in New York City's Royal Exchange building, the Supreme Court of the United States met for the first time with Chief Justice John Jay presiding.

In 1861, Texas voted to leave the Union at a Secession Convention in Austin.

In 1960, four black college students began a sit-in protest at a Woolworth's lunch counter in Greensboro, North Carolina, where they had been refused service.

In 1968, Richard M. Nixon announced his bid for the Republican presidential nomination.

In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia broke up during re-entry, killing all seven of its crew members.

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Today-----Singer Don Everly is 77, Comedian Garrett Morris is 77, Author Terry Spinelli is 73, Comedian Terry Jones is 72 and TV actor Bill Mumy is 60.

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February 1st is:  American Dental Association-Give kids A Smile Day, Car Insurance Day, Change Your Password Day, Decorating With Candy Day, G.I. Joe Day, Hula In The Coola Day, Ice Cream For Breakfast Day, International Face And Body Art Day, Freedom Day, Robinson Crusoe Day, Serpent Day, Spunky Old Broads Day, Take Your Child To The Library Day and Working Naked Day.

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Quip for the day.....Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally of dealing with men.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------oh no......

One day, two friends play golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 29 years."

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Today is Sunday, February 2, the 33rd day of the year.  There are 332 days left in the year.

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In 1653, New Amsterdam (now New York City) was incorporated.

In 1848, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican-American War was signed.

In 1876, the National League of Professional Baseball Clubs, which became known as the National League, was formed.  (The American League was established in 1901 and, in 1903, the first World Series was held.)

In 1887, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, held its first Groundhog Day festival.

In 1914, Charlie Chaplin's movie debut was in the short "Making a Living" from Keystone Film Company.

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Today------Baseball player Red Schoendienst is 91, Journalist Liz Smith is 91, Broadway Actress  Elaine Stritch is 89, Actor Robert Mandan is 82, Comedian Tommy Smothers is 77, TV actor David Jason is 74, Rock singer guitarist Graham Nash is 72, Television executive Barry Diller is 72, Actor Bo Hopkins is 70, Actor Blake Clark is 68, Country singer Howard Bellamy (The Bellamy Brothers) is 68, TV actor Jack McGee is 65, Actor Brent Spiner is 65, Reality star Duane Chapman is 61 and Model Christie Brinkley is 60.

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February 2nd is:  Ayn Rand Day, World Wetlands Day, Candelmas, Crepe Day, Dump Your Significant Other Day, Groundhog Day, National Girls and Women In Sports Day, Sled Dog Day, Super Bowl XLVIII, Popcorn Day and World Play Your Ukulele Day.

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Quip for the day.........I keep adjusting the brightness control on my TV, but it's still as stupid as ever.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----groaner.....

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered.  "What is it now?"

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Today is Monday, February 3, the 34th day of the year. There are 331 days left in the year.

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In 1889, Myra Belle Shirley, also known as the outlaw Belle Starr, was shot in the back by an unknown assailant.

In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution providing for a federal income tax, was ratified.

In 1924, Woodrow Wilson, the 28th President of the United States, died in Washington, D.C., at age 67.

In 1959, Rock-and-Roll stars Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and J.P. (The Big Bopper) Richardson died in a small plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa.

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Today-----Comedian Shelley Berman is 89, Author Stuart Hall is 82, Pro Football player Fran Tarkenton is 74, Actress Blyther Danner is 71, Singer Dennis Edwards is 71, Comedian Roy Chubby Brown is 69, Pro football player Bob Griese is 69, Guitarist Dave Davies (The Kinks) is 67, Author Paul Auster is 67, Actress Morgan Fairchild is 64 and Baseball player Fred Lynn is 62.

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February 3rd is:  Four Chaplains Memorial Day and The Day The Music Died.

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Quip for the day.......If you want the last word in an argument, just say, "You're right."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah.....

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.

Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna kill myself."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."

"How?" asked Joe.

"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

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Today is Tuesday, February 4, the 35th day of the year.  There are 330 days left in the year.

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In 1789, Electors chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States.

In 1861, delegates from the six southern states that had recently seceded from the Union met in Montgomery, Alabama, to form the Confederate States of America.

In 1932, President Franklin D. Roosevelt opened the Winter Olympic Games  at Lake Placid.

In 1941, the United Service Organizations (USO) came into existence.

In 1974, 19-year-old newspaper heiress Patty Hearst was kidnapped from her apartment in Berkeley, California, by members of the Symbionese Liberation Army.

In 1983, singer Karen Carpenter died from heart failure brought on by her struggle with anorexia.

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Today------Actor William Phipps is 92, Comedian David Brenner is 78, Actor Gary Conway is 78, Movie director George A. Romero is 74, Singer Florence LaRue (Fifth Dimension) is 70, Singer Alice Cooper is 66, Actor Michael Beck is 65, Musician Phil Ehart (Kansas) is 64 and Actress Lisa Eichorn is 62.

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February 4th is: Facebook's Birthday, African American Coaches Day, Liberace Day, Quacker Day, USO Day and World Cancer Day.

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Quip for the day.......I honestly believe that dust protects furniture.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----blonde day....

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!"

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Today is Wednesday, February 5, the 36th day of the year.  There are 329 days left in the year.

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In 1783, Sweden recognized the independence of the United States.

In 1883, the Southern Pacific Railroad completed its transcontinental "Sunset Route" from New Orleans to California.

In 1922, the first edition of Readers Digest was published.

In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt proposed increasing the number of U.S. Supreme Court justices; the proposal failed.

In 1971, Apollo 14 astronauts Alan Shepard and Edgar Mitchell onto the surface of the Moon in the first of two lunar excursions.

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Today-------Sportscaster Don Cherry is 80, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Hank Aaron is 80, TV actor David Selby is 73, Pro football player Roger Staubach is 72, Director Michael Mann is 71, Race car driver Darrell Waltrip is 67, Actress Barbara Hershey is 66, Actor Christopher Guest is 66 and Actor Tom Wilkinson is 66.

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February 5th is:  Adlai Stevenson Day, Move Hollywood and Broadway to Lebanon, Pennsylvania, Day, Weatherman's Day, Western Monarch Day, World Nutella Day and Digital Learning Day.

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Quip for the day......People are like tea bags.  They don't realize their strength until they are in hot water.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah........

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

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Today is Thursday, February 6, the 37th day of the year.  There are 328 days left in the year.

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In 1891, members of the Dalton Gang staged an unsuccessful train robbery near Alila, California...their first.

In 1911, Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th President of the United States, was born in Tampico, Illinois.

In 1943, a Los Angeles jury acquitted actor Errol Flynn of three counts of statutory rape.

In 1959, the U.S. successfully test-fired for the first time a Titan intercontinental ballistic missile.

In 1993, tennis champion Arthur Ashe died of complications from AIDS in New York City at age 49.

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Today--------Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor is 97, Actor Patrick Macnee is 91, Actor Rip Torn is 83, Actress Mamie Van Doren is 82, Former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw is 74, TV actor Mike Ferrell is 74, Singer Fabian is 70, TV actor Michael Tucker is 69, Singer Natalie Cole is 64 and Actor Kevin Whately is 62.

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February 6th is:  Canadian Maple Syrup Day and Lame Duck Day.

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Quip for the day.....I gave up computer dating after I was stood up by two mainframes, a PC and a laptop.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------funny.......

A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group of new troops on making a proper jump.  He told them: "When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up, you hook up. When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo!' and wait for your chute to open. Got It?  Good, get in the plane."

After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP! Hook UP!" and began shoving the troops out the door.  Just after the last trooper exited, the sergeant shut the door. Suddenly, he heard someone knocking on the door. He opened it to see a private flapping his arms trying to imitate a seagull. The private looked him in the eye and asked, "What did you say that guy's name was?"

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Today is Friday, February 7, the 38th day of the year.  There are 327 days left in the year.

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In 1812, the most violent of a series of earthquakes near Missouri caused a so-called fluvial tsunami in the Mississippi River actually making the river run backward for several hours.

In 1914, Keystone Film Company released the silent short comedy "Kid Auto Races at Venice," Charles Chaplin's second film, and the first in which he played the Little Tramp.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy imposed a full trade embargo on Cuba.

In 1964, The Beatles began their first American tour as they arrived at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport where they cracked wise during a chaotic press conference while thousands of their fans were jammed inside the terminal.

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Today-----Author Gay Talese is 82, Astronaut Alfred Worden is 82 and Musician King Curtis is 80.

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February 7th is:  Ballet Day, Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Bubble Gum Day, Cordova Ice Worm Day (7-9), "e" Day, Girl Scout Cookie Day, Give Kids A Smile Day, Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day and Wear Red Day.

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Quip for the day.......If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------oldie, but one of my favorites........

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.

The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied.

Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.

Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"

The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"

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Today is Saturday, February 8, the 39th day of the year.  There are 326 days left in the year.

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In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Roanoke Island, North Carolina, ended in victory for Union forces led by Gen. Ambrose E. Burnside.

In 1922, President Warren G. Harding had a radio installed in the White House.

In 1942, during World War II, Japanese forces began invading Singapore, which fell a week later.

In 1943, Japanese forces evacuated Guadalcanal leaving the island in Allied control.

In 1990, Charles Westover, born in Grand Rapids, Michigan, best known as singer-songwriter, Del Shannon, committed suicide at age 56.

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Today-----Actor Jack Larson (TV: "Adventures of Superman) is 86, Composer-conductor John Williams is 82, Newscaster Ted Koppel is 74, Actor Nick Nolte is 73, Comedian Robert Klein is 72, TV actor Creed Bratton is 71,  TV actress Julie Barr is 65 and Actress Mary Steenburgen is 61.

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February 8th is: Boy Scout Anniversary Day, Laugh And Get Rich Day and Opera Day.

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Quip for the day.....If you are the low man on the totem pole, just remember......if it wasn't for you the whole thing would fall over.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------another oh no......

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

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Today is Sunday, February 9, the 40th day of the year.  There are 325 days left in the year.

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In 1825, the House of Representatives elected John Quincy Adams president after no candidate received a majority of electoral votes.

In 1861, Jefferson Davis was elected provisional president of the Confederate States of America at a congress held in Montgomery, Alabama.

In 1870, the U.S. Weather Bureau was established.

In 1942, the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff held its first formal meeting to coordinate military strategy during World War II.

In 1971, pitcher Leroy "Satchel" Paige became the first Negro League veteran to be nominated for the Baseball Hall of Fame.  He was inducted in August.

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Today-----Television journalist Roger Mudd is 86, TV actor Clive Smith is 78, Songwriter Barry Mann is 75, Singer-songwriter Carole King is 72, Actor Joe Pesci is 71, Author Alice Walker is 70, Actress Mia Farrow is 69, Former football player Vince Papale is 68, Country singer Joe Ely is 67, Actress Judith Light is 65 and TV actor Ciaran Hinds is 61.

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February 9th is:  Autism Sunday, Man Day, National Stop Bullying Day, Read In The Bathtub Day, Toothache Day and World Marriage Day.

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Quip for the day....If you are what you eat, I'm dead meat.

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Larryj