another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one......

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.

He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.

He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

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Today is Tuesday, December 24, the 358th day of the year.  There are 7 days left in the year.

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In 1814, the Treaty of Peace and Amity was signed in Ghent, Belgium, ending the War of 1812.

In 1865, several veterans of the Confederate Army formed a private social club in Pulaski, Tennessee, called the Ku Klux Klan.

In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appointed Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower supreme commander of the Allied forces in Europe.

In 1968, the Apollo 8 astronauts, orbiting the moon, read passages from the Old Testament Book of Genesis during a Christmas Eve telecast.

In 1972, comedian Bob Hope gave what he said was his last Christmas show to U.S. servicemen in Saigon.

In 2012, death claimed actors Charles Durning, 89, and Jack Klugman, 90.

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Today-----Author Mary Higgins Clark is 86, Recording company executive Mike Curb is 69, Rock singer Lemmy Kilmister (Motorhead) is 68, Actress Edwige Fenech is 65 and Actor Julius Tennon is 60.

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December 24th is:  Christmas Eve.

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Quip for the day........The nice thing about living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

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Larryj

[W. Gray]

From Larry J's post:
"In 1972, comedian Bob Hope gave what he said was his last Christmas show to U.S. servicemen in Saigon."

From Saigon the Bob Hope Troupe flew to Bangkok, Thailand, and worked out of the Oriental Hotel, a world class hotel which was semi-taken over by US forces for billeting the performers. I had a currency exchange setup on one of the upper floors of the hotel and got to meet and shake hands with Bob Hope, Red Foxx, and Roman Gabriel (an Asian-American NFL quarterback who was hot at the time with the Los Angeles Rams and then the Philadelphia Eagles). I also met a bevy of chorus girls who seemed to have everything going for them except reasonable reasoning ability.

I did not, though, get to see any of the performances.

[larryJ]

Today's-----Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."

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In 1776, Gen. George Washington and his troops crossed the Delaware River for a surprise attack against Hessian forces at Trenton, New Jersey.

In 1818, "Silent Night (Stille Nacht)," written by Franz Gruber and Father Joseph Mohr, was publicly performed for the first time.

In 2009, passengers aboard Northwest Airlines Flight 253 foiled an attempt to blow up the plane as it was landing in Detroit by seizing a man who tried to set off explosives in his underwear.

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Today-----Actor Gary Sandy is 68, Former NFL player Ken Stabler is 68, NFL Hall-of-Famer Larry Csonka is 67, Singer Jimmy Buffet is 67 and Actress Sissy Spacek is 64.

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December 25th is:  Christmas.

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Quip for the day.....When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah......

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

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Today is Thursday, December 26, the 360th day of the year.  There are 5 days left in the year.

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In 1776, the British suffered a major defeat in the Battle of Trenton during the Revolutionary War.

In 1966, Kwanzaa, created by Maulana Karenga - now a Cal State Long Beach, CA., professor - was first celebrated.

In 1972, former President Harry S. Truman died in Independence, Missouri.

In 1996, beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, 6, was found beaten and strangled in the basement of her family's home in Boulder, Colorado.

In 2006, former President Gerald R. Ford died in Rancho Mirage, CA., at age 93.

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Today-----Actor Donald Moffat is 83, Sesame Street puppeteer Caroll Spinney is 80, Singer Abdul Fakir (The Four Tops) is 78, Record producer Phil Spector is 74, TV host John Walsh (America's Most Wanted) is 68, MLB All-Star Carlton Fisk is 66, CNN News anchor Candy Crowley is 65 and Composer Ira Newborn is 64.

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December 26th is:  Boxing Day (Canada), National Candy Cane Day, National Thank-you Note Day and National Whiners Day.

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Quip for the day.......Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----a twofer day......

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:

"Will I be acquitted?"

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There was a very violent automobile crash into a light pole.  A woman ran over to help the injured driver.  A man rushed over and pushed the woman aside saying, "Move out of the way!  I've had emergency training!"

The woman waited a few minutes, then tapped the man on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

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Today is Friday, December 27, the 361st day of the year.  There are 4 days left in the year.

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In 1900, prohibitionist Carry Nation smashed up the bar at the Carey Hotel in Wichita, Kansas.

In 1932, New York City's Radio City Music Hall opened to the public in midtown Manhattan.

In 1941, the Office of Price Administration initiated its first rationing program which limited automobile drivers to have no more than five automobile tires.

In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered his Secretary of War to seize properties belonging to Montgomery Ward Company because of its refusal to comply with a labor agreement.

In 1968, Apollo 8, the first manned mission to the moon, returned to Earth safely.

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Today---Actor John Amos is 74, Singer Chamian Carr is 71, News correspondent Cokie Roberts is 70, Actor Gerard Depardieu is 65, Rock musician Terry Bozzio (Missing Persons) is 63 and Rock musician David Knopfier (Dire Straits) is 61.

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December 27th is:  National Fruitcake Day and Make Cut Out Snowflakes Day.

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Quip for the day.........Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------groaner.....

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

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Today is December 28, the 362nd day of the year.  There are 3 days left in the year.

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In 1832, John C. Calhoun became the first U.S. vice-president to resign, stepping down because of differences with President Andrew Jackson.

In 1846, Iowa was admitted as the 29th state in the Union.

In 1945, Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance.

In 1973, the Endangered Species Act was signed into law.

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Today---Comic book creator Stan Lee is 91, Actor Martin Milner is 82, Actress Nichelle Nichols is 81, Actress Dame Maggie Smith is 79, Rock musician Edgar Winter is 67 and Author (and wife of Dr. Phil) Robin McGraw is 60.

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December 28th is:  Holy Innocents Day, National Chocolate Day and Pledge of Allegiance Day.

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Quip for the day......I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------another groaner........

Father Goose Story No. 7

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids.  The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain.  The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him.  They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary.  So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could
even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest.  But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre.  The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain.  The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain.  The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre.

The ogre laughed and replied:

(wait for it)

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

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Today is Sunday, December 29, the 363rd day of the year.  There are 2 days left in the year.

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In 1808, future president Andrew Johnson was born in Raleigh, North Carolina.

In 1812, during the War of 1812, the American frigate USS Constitution engaged and severely damaged the British frigate HMS Java off Brazil.

In 1845, Texas was admitted as the 28th state to the Union.

In 1890, the Wounded Knee Massacre occurred in South Dakota.  About 300 Sioux Indians were killed by U.S. troops sent to disarm them.

In 1913, the first true "cliffhanger" movie serial, "The Adventures of Kathlyn," starring Kathlyn Williams, premiered.

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Today----Actor Bernard Cribbins is 85, Actress Inga Swenson is 81, Actress Mary Tyler Moore is 77, Actress Barbara Steele is 76, Actor John Voight is 75, Singer Marianne Faithful is 67, Jockey Lafitte Pincay Jr. is 67, Actor Ted Danson is 66, Actor Jon Polito is 63 and Singer-actress Yvonne Elliman is 62.

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December 29th is: Tick Tock Day.

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Quip for the day.....I went to school to become a wit, but only got half way through.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------uh oh......

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped,
turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"

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Today is Monday, December 30, the 364th day of the year.  There is 1 day left in the year.

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In 1852, Rutherford B. Hayes married Lucy Webb, a devout Methodist from his home state of Ohio.

In 1853, the United States and Mexico signed a treaty under which the U.S. agreed to buy some 45,000 square miles of land from Mexico for $10 million in a deal known as the Gadsden Purchase.

In 1862, the ironclad USS Monitor sank in a storm off Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

In 1940, California's first freeway, the Arroyo Seco Parkway, now commonly called the Pasadena Freeway connecting Los Angeles and Pasadena, was officially opened.

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Today----Actor Russ Tamblyn is 79, Actor Joseph Bologna is 79, MLB Hall-of-Famer Sandy Koufax is 78, Singer-songwriter Noel Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul and Mary) is 76, Singer Michael Nesmith (Monkees) is 71, Actress Concetta Tomei is 68, Singer-songwriter Patti Smith is 67, Singer Jeff Lynde (Electric Light Orchestra) is 66 and TV personality Meredith Vieira is 60.

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December 30th is:  Bacon Day and Falling Needles Family Fest Day.

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Quip for the day.....I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----new book list..

"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum

"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily

"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic

"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit
(illustrated by Betty Wont)

"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns

"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich

"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff

"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While

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Today is Tuesday, December 31, the 365th day of the year.  There are 0 days left in the year.

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In 1879, Thomas Edison first publicly demonstrated his electric incandescent light in Menlo Park, New Jersey.

In 1909, the Manhattan Bridge, spanning the East River between Manhattan and Brooklyn, opened to vehicular traffic.

In 1946, President Harry S. Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II.

In 1951, the Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid.

In 1972, future Hall-of-Fame baseball player Roberto Clemente was killed in a plane crash off Puerto Rico.

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Today-----Actor Sir Anthony Hopkins is 76, Actress Sarah Miles  is 72, Singer-guitarist  Andy Summers  (The Police) is 71, Actor Sir Ben Kingsley is 70, Fashion designer Diane von Furstenberg is 67, Singer Burton Cummings (Guess Who) is 66, Actor Tim Matteson is 66, Musician-songwriter Tom Hamilton (Aerosmith) is 62 and Actor James Remar is 60.

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December 31st is:  Make Up Your Mind Day, No Interruptions Day, Universal Hour Of Peace, World Peace Meditation Day and New Year's Eve.

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Quip for the day......The only New Year's resolution I made and kept was the one where I resolved to never make New Year's resolutions again.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oops......

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!"   

And then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"     

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'"?

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

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Today is Wednesday, January 1, the 1st day of the year.  There are 364 days left in the year.

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In 45 B.C., New Years Day was celebrated for the first time as the Julian calendar took effect.

In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln signed and issued the Emancipation Proclamation, declaring that slaves in rebel states shall be "forever free."

In 1863, a farmer named Daniel Freeman submitted the first claim under the new Homestead Act for a property near Beatrice, Nebraska.

In 1892, the Ellis Island immigration station in New York formally opened.

In 1994, the North American Free Trade Agreement went into effect.

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Today-------Actor Ty Hardin is 84, Actor Frank Langella is 76, Rock singer-musician Country Joe McDonald is 72, Writer-comedian Don Novello is 71 and Actor Rick Hurst is 68.

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January 1st is:  Copyright Law Day, Commitment Day, Ellis Island Day, Euro Day, First Foot Day, Global Family Day, Mummer's Parade, New Years Day, New Year's Dishonor List Day, Polar Bear Plunge Day, Rose Bowl Game and Tournament Of Roses Day, Saint Basil's Day and Z Day.

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Quip for the day......I'll remember 2013 like it was yesterday.

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Larryj