another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------hah......

A couple who were getting on in years made a pact that whoever went first would try to contact the other one.  A few years later, the husband died.

Soon, he contacted his wife.  "Mary, I'm here."

Mary said, "Fred, you did it.  You contacted me.  What's it like there?"  Fred says, "It's nice.  When I wake up in the morning I have sex.  Then there's breakfast and more sex.  We eat lunch and it is pretty much sex all afternoon until dinner and then more sex until we go to sleep."

Mary says, "Wow!  You must be in Heaven."

Fred says, "Heck, no.  I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

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Today is Tuesday, December 3, the 337th day of the year.  There are 28 days left in the year.

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In 1818, Illinois was admitted to the Union as the 21st state.

In 1828, Andrew Jackson was elected president of the United States by the Electoral College.

In 1833, Oberlin College in Ohio----the first truly coeducational school of higher learning in the United States-----began holding classes.

In 1947, the Tennessee Williams play, "A Streetcar Named Desire" opened on Broadway.

In 1967, 53-year-old Lewis Washkansky received the first human heart transplant in Cape Town, South Africa.  He died 18 days later from pneumonia because of the drugs given to him to suppress his immune system.

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Today-------Movie director Jean-Luc Godard is 83, NHL Hall-of-Famer Alex Delvecchio is 82, NASCAR legend Bobby Allison is 76, Actress Mary Alice is 72, Rock singer Ozzie Osbourne is 65 and Former race car driver Rick Mears is 62.

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December 3rd is:  Giving Tuesday and International Day Of Persons With Disabilities.

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Quip for the day......Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oopsies.......

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

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Today is Wednesday, December 4, the 338th day of the year.  There are 27 days left in the year.

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In 1783, Gen. George Washington bade farewell to his Continental Army officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York.

In 1816, James Monroe of Virginia was elected the fifth president of the United States.

In 1945, the Senate approved U.S. participation in the United Nations by a vote of 65-7.

In 1965, the U.S. launched Gemini 7 carrying Air Force Lt. Col. Frank Borman  and Navy Cmdr. James A. Lovell.

In 1991,  Islamic militants in Lebanon released kidnapped American journalist Terry Anderson after 2,454 days in captivity.

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Today----Comedian Ronnie Corbett is 83, Game show host Wink Martindale is 79, Actor Donnelly Rhodes is 76, Actress Gemma James is 71, Comedian-writer Pamela Stephenson is 64, Actor Jeff Bridges is 64, Actress Patricia Wettig is 62 and Rock musician Gary Rossington (Lynard Skynard) is 62.

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December 4th is:  Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting, National Cookie Day, National Dice Day, Special Kids Day and World Wildlife Conservation Day.

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Quip for the day.......Your secrets are safe with me.......and all my friends.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah....

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass, too," said the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"Dang!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

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Today is Thursday, December 5, the 339th day of the year.  There are 26 days left in the year.

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In 1792, George Washington was re-elected president; John Adams was re-elected vice president.

In 1848, President James K. Polk triggered the Gold Rush of '49 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California.

In 1932, German physicist Albert Einstein was granted a visa, making it possible for him to travel to the U.S.

In 1933, the 21st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was ratified repealing the 19th Amendment bringing an end to prohibition.

In 2002, legendary television producer and executive Roone Arledge died in New York City at age 71.

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Today-----Actor Peter Hansen is 92, Singer Little Richard is 81, Author Joan Didion is 79, Author Calvin Trillin is 78, Opera singer Jose Carreras is 67, Singer Andy Kim (The Archies) is 67, Singer-songwriter Jim Messina (Buffalo Springfield) is 66, Former NFL player Jim Plunkett is 66 and Actress Morgan Brittany is 62.

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December 5th is:  AFL-CIO Day, Bathtub Party Day, Columbian International Day Of The Reef, International Ninja Day and International Volunteer Day For Economic and Social Development.

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Quip for the day.....Man cannot live by bread alone.  He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------constructive criticism...

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?" asked the kid.

"Right after the National Anthem."

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Today is Friday, December 6, the 340th day of the year.  There are 25 days left in the year.

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In 1790, Congress moved to Philadelphia from New York.

In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, ending the institution of slavery, was ratified.

In 1884, Army engineers completed construction of the Washington Monument.

In 1907, the worst mining disaster in the U.S. history occurred as 362 men and boys died in a coal mine explosion in Monongah, West Virginia.

In 1947, Everglades National Park in Florida was dedicated by President Harry S. Truman.

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Today-----Actor Patrick Bauchau is 75, Actor James Naughton is 68, R&B singer Frankie Beverly is 67, Actress JoBeth Williams is 65, Actor Will Shriner is 60, Actor Tom Hulce is 60 and Actress Gina Hecht is 60.

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December 6th is:  Miners Day, National Pawnbrokers Day, National Salesperson Day, St. Nicholas Day and Faux Fur Friday.

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Quip for the day....Getting to work on time only makes the day longer.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah........

Edwin had grown up hearing stories of an amazing family tradition for all of the men's 21st Birthdays.

According to the story, Edwin's father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water for just one day on their 21st birthday. On that special day, each of them had walked across the lake to a bar located on the far side to enjoy their first legal alcoholic drink.

So when Edwin's 21st birthday came around, he and his friend Nancy took a boat out to the middle of the lake. From there, Edwin stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned!

Nancy just barely managed to pull him out to safety.

Thoroughly confused, Edwin went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he said, "it's my 21st birthday, so I should be able to walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him! Why can't I do it?"

His Grandmother looked Edwin for a minute and shook her head. Then she answered, "I think it might be because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July."

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Today is Saturday, December 7, the 341st day of the year.  There are 24 days left in the year.

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In 1787, Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.

In 1842, the New York Philharmonic performed its first concert.

In 1909, in his State of the Union address, President William Howard Taft defended the decision to base U.S. naval operations in the Pacific at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii, instead of in the Philippines.

In 1941, Japanese forces attacked Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, in a surprise raid, drawing the United States into World War II.

In 1972, Apollo 17, America's last moon mission to date, was launched.

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Today--------Actor Eli Wallach is 98, Actress Ellen Burstyn is 81, Author Arlene Alda is 80, MLB All-Star Johnny Bench is 66, Actor James Keach is 66 and Singer-songwriter Tom Waits is 64.

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December 7th is:  Earmuff Day or Chester Greenwood Day, National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day, International Civil Aviation Day, National Cotton Candy Day and Skywarn Recognition Day.

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Quip for the day.......I've got a mind like a...a...what's that thing called?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------good one....

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks vacation camping with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camp ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

"Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community!"

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Today is Sunday, December 8, the 342nd day of the year.  There are 23 days left in the year.

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In 1776, during the Revolutionary War, Gen. George Washington's retreating army crossed the Delaware River from New Jersey into Pennsylvania.

In 1941, the United States entered World War II as Congress declared war against Japan, a day after the attack on Pearl Harbor.

In 1941, Montana Congresswoman Jeanette Rankin, a lifelong pacifist, cast the sole dissenting vote against declaring war on Japan.

In 1980, former Beatle John Lennon was shot and killed in New York City at age 40.

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Today------Actor-director Maximilian Schell is 83, Flutist James Galway is 74, Singer Jerry Butler is 74, Musician Gregg Allman (The Allman Brothers) is 66 and Actress Kim Basinger is 60.

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December 8th is:  Pretend To Be A Time Traveler Day, Worldwide Candle Lighting Day and World Choral Day.

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Quip for the day......My wife and I always compromise.  I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----funny........

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience

The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

The man said, "I was looking for my father."

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Today is Monday, December 9, the 343rd day of the year.  There are 22 days left in the year.

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In 1835, led by Benjamin Rush Milam, the newly created Texan Army took possession of San Antonio in its war for independence from Mexico.

In 1958, the anti-communist John Birch Society was formed in Indianapolis.

In 2008, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested after prosecutors said he was caught on wiretaps scheming to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat.  Blagojevich was convicted in 2011 and sentenced to 14 years in prison.

In 2012, Mexican-American singer Jenni Rivera and six others were killed in a plane crash in northern Mexico.

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Today----Actor Kirk Douglas is 97, Actress Dina Merrill is 88, Actor Dick Van Patten is 85, Screenwriter Buck Henry is 83, Actress Dame Judi Dench is 79, Author Mary Downing Hahn is 76, Actor Beau Bridges is 72,
NFL Hall-of-Famer Dick Butkus is 71, Actor Michael Nouri is 68, Hall-of-Fame golfer Tom Kite is 64, Actor Michael Dorn is 61 and Actor John Malkovich is 60.

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December 9th is:  International Anti-corruption Day and Weary Willie Day.

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Quip for the day....I'm so old that when I was in school, history was called current affairs.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one......

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this
magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

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Today is Tuesday, December 10, the 344th day of the year.  There are 21 days left in the year.

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In 1869, Wyoming legislators passed a bill granting women the right to vote.

In 1906, President Theodore Roosevelt became the first American to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

In 1915, the 1 millionth Ford car rolled off the assembly line in Detroit.

In 1964, Martin Luther King Jr. received the Nobel Peace Prize.

In 1967, a plane carrying singer Otis Redding and members of the Bar-Kays band crashed in Madison, Wisconsin.

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Today-----Television writer-producer Agnes Nixon is 91, Poet Carolyn Kizer is 88, Actor Tommy Kirk is 72, Actress-singer Gloria Loring is 67 and Actress Susan Dey is 61.

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December 10th is:  Dewey Decimal System Day, Human Rights Day and Nobel Prize Day.

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Quip for the day......If you are the low man on the totem pole, just remember.......without you, the whole thing would fall over.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah......

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

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Today is Wednesday, December 11, the 345th day of the year.  There are 20 days left in the year.

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In 1816, Indiana became the 19th state.

In 1928, police in Buenos Aires announced they had thwarted an attempt on the life of President-elect Herbert Hoover.

In 1941, Adolf Hitler declared war on the United States bringing America into the European conflict.

In 1946, the General Assembly of the United Nations voted to establish UNICEF, an organization to help children in war-torn countries.

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Today-------Actor Jean-Louis Trintignant is 83, Actress Rita Moreno is 82, Actress Donna Mills is 71, Singer Brenda Lee is 69, Actress Linda Day George is 69, Author Rachel Renee Russell is 68, and Actress Teri Garr is 66.

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December 11th is:  International Mountain Day and UNICEF Birthday.

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Quip for the day........Health plans are like hospital gowns........you only think you're covered.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah........

The rich heiress was notoriously tight-fisted with her money.  She wouldn't give a cent to the less fortunate.

So, the butler was understandably shocked by what happened one day when he opened the door and found a beggar woman there.  "Please, I haven't eaten in five days," the woman begged.

The butler told her to buzz off, and started to close the door. But he found himself overruled by the lady of the house.  "She hasn't eaten in five days?" the rich heiress called out.  "Send her to my office."  The butler did as he was told.

Several moments passed, then the poor beggar woman came out of the office in tears and made for the door.  The curious butler asked her, "Did she give you some money?"

The beggar woman cried miserably, "She gave me nothing.  She just asked me for my diet secrets!"

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Today is Thursday, December 12, the 346th day of the year.  There are 19 days left in the year.

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In 1787, Pennsylvania became the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.

In 1870, Joseph H. Rainey of South Carolina became the first black lawmaker sworn into the U.S. House of Representatives.

In 1917, 31-year-old Irish priest Father Flannigan opened the doors to a home for troubled and neglected children which became known as "Boys Town" in Omaha.

In 1925, the first motel - The Motel Inn - opened in San Luis Obispo, California.

In 2000, General Motors declared it will begin to phase out the 103-year-old Oldsmobile, the oldest automotive brand in the United States.

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Today-------Music executive-songwriter Anna Gordy Gaye is 92, TV host Bob Barker is 90, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Pettit is 81, Singer Connie Francis is 76, Singer Dionne Warwick is 73, Sculptor Don Gummer is 67, Actor Tom Wilkinson is 65, Actor Bill Nighy is 64, Actress Sarah Douglas is 61, Olympic Gymnast Cathy Rigby is 61 and Guitarist Bruce Kulick (KISS) is 60.

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December 12th is:  Gingerbread House Day, National 12-hour Fresh Breath Day and Poinsettia Day.

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Quip for the day......Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely.

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Larryj