another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------funny....

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the heck are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there! I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Today is Saturday, November 2, the 306th day of the year.  There are 59 days left in the year.

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In 1783, Gen. George Washington issued his Farewell Orders to the Armies of the United States.

In 1889, North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39th and 40th states.

In 1947, the Hughes Flying Boat, the largest aircraft ever built, was piloted by designer Howard Hughes on its first and only flight.  Because some of the plane was built from spruce, it became known as the "Spruce Goose."

In 1948, President Harry S. Truman surprised the experts by winning a narrow upset over challenger Thomas E. Dewey.

In 1976, former Georgia governor Jimmy Carter was elected president.

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Today------TV actress Rachel Ames is 84, Political commentator Patrick Buchanan is 75, Sculptor Richard Serra is 74, Actress Stefanie Powers is 71 and Actor Jerry Wasserman is 68.

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November 2nd is:  All Souls Day, Cookie Monster Day, International Games Day, Plan Your Epitaph Day and Sadie Hawkins Day.

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Quip for the day.......You know you are getting fat when you sit in the bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----hah.....

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

BONUS!!!!
How many men does it take to open a beer?

None.  It should be open by the time she brings to you.

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Today is Sunday, November 3, the 307th day of the year.  There are 58 days left in the year.

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In 1911, the Chevrolet Motor Car Company was founded in Detroit by Louis Chevrolet and William C. Durant.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy established the U.S. Agency for International Development.

In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson defeated challenger Barry Goldwater, Sr. with over 60 percent of the popular vote.

In 1986, the Iran-Contra affair began to come to light as Ash-Shiraa, a pro-Syrian Lebanese magazine, broke the story of U.S. arms sales to Iran.

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Today----Actress Peggy McCay is 86, Actress Lois Smith is 83, Actor Ken Berry is 80, Former Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis is 80, Tony-winning playwright Terrence McNally is 74, Former boxing champion Larry Holmes is 64, Fashion magazine editor Anna Wintour is 64, Journalist Howard Fineman is 64, Voice actor Jim Cummings is 61 Comedian-actress Roseanne Barr is 61 and Actress Kate Capshaw is 60.

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November 3rd is:  Cliché Day, Daylight Savings Time Ends, Jellyfish Day, Sandwich Day and Zero Tasking Day.

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Quip for the day......I clean house every other day.  Today is the other day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

today's-------right on.......

The overbearing wife had some of her friends from the Women's Club coming over for lunch, so she ordered her husband into the closet and said, "I don't want to see your face or hear a peep out of you until the party is over and the ladies have left."

During lunch all the wives bragged about the control they held over their husbands.  The hostess said, "Watch this.  I have my husband Michael in that closet over there.  I can command him to do anything I want.  Hey, Michael, come out of that closet and step over here, please."

There was no response.

"Michael, come out of there this instant!"

Again, nothing.

"Michael, I'm warning you.  Come here immediately!"

Finally, a muffled voice could be heard from behind the closet door. 

"No, I won't!  I'll show you who's boss of this house."

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Today is Monday, November 4, the 308th day of the year.  There are 57 days left in the year.

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In 1842, a struggling lawyer named Abraham Lincoln married Mary Anne Todd at her sister's home in Springfield, Illinois.

In 1927, 10 days of extremely heavy rain in New England caused flooding that killed 200 people and also caused millions of dollars in damages.

In 1979, the Iran hostage crisis began as militants stormed the United States Embassy in Tehran, seizing its occupants.

In 1991, Ronald Reagan opened his presidential library in Simi Valley, California.

In 2008, Democrat Barrack Obama was elected the first black U.S. president.

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Today-----Former MLB All-Star Dick Groat is 83, Actress Doris Roberts is 83, Actress Loretta Swit is 76, Blues rock musician Delbert McClinton is 73, Former First Lady Laura W. Bush is 67, Actress Markie Post is 63 and Screenwriter Leslie Newman is 61.

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November 4th is:  Fill Our Staplers Day, Job Action Day, National Chicken Lady Day, Traffic Director's Day and Use Your Common Sense Day.

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Quip for the day.......I'm starting to think I drink too much.  The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------political humor.....

A politician dies and goes to Heaven.  "There must be some mistake," St. Peter says, frowning at the admission records.  He gets on the phone to the Devil, who checks his own books and says, "Nope, nothing here."

St. Peter says to the politician, "Well, there's been a technical glitch, so here's what we do.  You spend one day in hell, then one day in heaven, then you decide."

The politician takes the long elevator ride down to hell.  It's a gorgeous country club. All his friends are there.  They play golf, then enjoy a banquet dinner.  The Devil sings and dances.  Everyone has a great time.  Before he knows it, it's time to leave.

He takes the elevator up to heaven, where everyone is a stranger, but they're super nice and they invite him to join them, relaxing in the clouds and listening to the most beautiful harp music.

At the end of the day, St. Peter asks the politician for his decision.  The politician says, "I really like heaven, but I have to admit, hell is more to my liking."

"Off you go, then," St. Peter says.

The politician gets off the elevator in hell and there is fire and brimstone everywhere.  All his friends are doing hard labor without rest.  The Devil greets him.  The politician complains, "What happened?"

The Devil says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning.  Today you voted."

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Today is Tuesday, November 5, the 309th day of the year.  There are 56 days left in the year.

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In 1911, aviator Calbraith P. Rodgers arrived in Pasadena completing the first transcontinental airplane trip.'

In 1912, Democrat Woodrow Wilson was elected president, defeating Progressive Party candidate Theodore Roosevelt, incumbent Republican William Howard Taft and Socialist Eugene V. Debs.

In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was re-elected to an unprecedented third term.

In 1968, Richard M. Nixon defeated Hubert H. Humphrey for the presidency.

In 1994, George Forman, age 45, became boxing's oldest heavyweight champion when he defeated 26-year-old Michael Moorer in Las Vegas.

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Today----Actress Elke Sommer is 73, Singer Art Garfunkel is 72, Actor-playwright Sam Shepard is 70, Singer Peter Noone (Herman's Hermits) is 66, Actress-screenwriter Bonnie MacBird is 62 and NBA Hall-of-Famer Bill Walton is 61.

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November 5th is:  Election Day.

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Quip for the day......Wealthy people miss out on one of life's greatest thrills.....making the last car payment.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----from the archives.....

One morning, a guy goes out to pick up his newspaper.  Walking back in, he sees a gorilla on his roof.  He doesn't know what to do so he asks his neighbor what he can do about the gorilla on his roof.  His neighbor says, "Look in the Yellow Pages for a go-roofer."  So the guy looks and finds a go-roofer and calls him.

The go-roofer shows up and proceeds to unload a ladder, a big cage, a shotgun and a very vicious looking German Shepherd.  The guys asks the go-roofer, "How does this work?"

The go-roofer says, "I'm going to climb the ladder onto the roof.  I am going to throw the gorilla off the roof and the German Shepherd is going to run over and bite the gorilla on the testicles.  The gorilla is going to run into the cage to get away from the dog."

The guy says, "Okay, what's the shotgun for?

The go-roofer says, "That's in case the gorilla throws me off the roof...........SHOOT THE DOG!

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Today is Wednesday, November 6, the 310th day of the year.  There are 55 days left in the year.

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In 1528, Spanish conquistador Cabeza de Vaca was shipwrecked on a low sandy island off the coast of Texas.  Starving, dehydrated and desperate, he was the first European to set foot on the soil of the future state of Texas.

In 1860, former Illinois congressman Abraham Lincoln defeated three others for the presidency.

In 1861, Confederate President Jefferson Davis was elected to a six-year term of office.

In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower won re-election defeating Adlai E. Stevenson.

In 1962, Democrat Edward M. Kennedy was elected senator.

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Today----Director Mike Nichols is 82, Country singer Stonewall Jackson is 81, Country musician Guy Clark is 72, Singer Lani Hall is 68, Actress Sally Field is 67, Musician Glenn Frey (Eagles) is 65, Jazz musician Arturo Sandoval is 64 and Actor Nigel Havers is 62.

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November 6th is:  International Day For Preventing The Exploitation Of The Environment In War And Armed Conflict and Saxophone Day.

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Quip for the day......If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------busy, busy day.......

To the government:

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check for $1,000.00  from the government for not raising hogs.  So I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?  I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies.  I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My  friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business.  He has been raising hogs for twenty  years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for not raising 100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 the first year.  Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing.  These hogs I will not be raising will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn.  I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat.  Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information on that, too.

In view of these circumstances,  you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.


Patriotically yours,

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Today is Thursday, November 7, the 311th day of the year.  There are 54 days left in the year.

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In 1811, U.S. forces led by Indiana Territory Gov. William Henry Harrison defeated warriors from Tecumseh's Confederacy in the Battle of Tippecanoe.

In 1916, Republican Jeanette Rankin of Montana became the first woman elected to Congress.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon was re-elected in a landslide over George McGovern.

In 1980, actor Steve McQueen died at the age of 50 in Mexico from cancer.

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Today-----Evangelist Billy Graham is 95, Actor Barry Newman is 75, Screenwriter-director Martin Davidson is 74, Singer Johnny Rivers is 71 and Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 70.

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November 7th is:  National Gin Day, National Men Make Dinner Day and National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day.

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Quip for the day......The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----uh oh......

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."

"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."

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Today is Friday, November 8, the 312th day of the year.  There are 53 days left in the year.

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In 1887, Doc Holliday--gunslinger, gambler and occasional dentist -- died from tuberculosis at age 36.

In 1889, Montana became the 41st state.

In 1895, physicist Wilhelm Conrad Rontgen became the first person to observe x-rays.

In 1932, New York Democratic Gov. Franklin D. Roosevelt defeated incumbent Herbert Hoover for the presidency.

In 1960, Massachusetts Sen. John F. Kennedy defeated Vice President Richard M. Nixon for the presidency.

In 1972, the premium cable TV network HBO made its debut with a showing of the movie "Sometimes a Great Notion."

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Today------Actor Norman Lloyd is 99, NHL Hall-of-Famer Johnny Bower is 89, Hall-of-Fame football coach Bobby Bowden is 84, CBS newsman Morley Safer is 82, Hall-of-Fame jockey Angel Cordero Jr. is 71, Singer Bonnie Bramlett (Delaney and Bonnie) is 69, Singer Bonnie Raitt is 64, Entertainment Tonight anchor Mary Hart is 63 and Actress Alfre Woodard is 61.

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November 8th is:  Abet and Aid Punsters Day, Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day, Domino Day, National Parents As Teachers Day, National Walk To Work Day and X-ray Day.

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Quip for the day.....The only reason I take my wife anywhere is so I don't have to kiss her goodbye.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----hah.......

A woman who works for the state of California got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency.

He then asked her to repeat it.

"It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.

There was another pause.

"For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."

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Today is Saturday, November 9, the 313th day of the year.  There are 52 days left in the year.

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In 1620, the passengers and crew of the Mayflower sighted Cape Cod.

In 1872, a fire in Boston destroyed hundreds of buildings and killed 14 people.

In 1965, the Great Northeast Blackout began during rush hour delaying millions of commuters, trapping 800,000 people in New York subways and stranding thousands more in elevators and office buildings.

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Today----MLB Hall-of-Famer Whitey Herzog is 82, MLB pitcher Bob Gibson is 78, Actor Charlie Robinson is 68, Singer-songwriter Benny Mardones  is 67, Actor Robert David Hall is 65, Actor Lou Ferrigno is 62 and MLB player-manager Jim Riggleman is 61.

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November 9th is:  World Freedom Day and Chaos Never Dies Day.

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Quip for the day.....Speaking your mind is not the same as using it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------good one.....

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"  "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

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Today is Sunday, November 10, the 314th day of the year.  There are 51 days left in the year.

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In 1775, The U.S. Marines were organized under authority of the Continental Congress.

In 1919, the American Legion opened its first national convention in Minneapolis.

In 1938, Kate Smith first sang Irving Berlin's "God Bless America."

In 1951, customer-dialed long-distance service began as Mayor Denning of Englewood, NJ, called Alameda Mayor Osborne without operator assistance.

In 1969, the children's TV show "Sesame Street" made its broadcast debut.

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Today-----Actor Russell Johnson is 89, Film composer Ennio Morricone is 85, Fashion Designer Lilly Pulitzer is 82, Lyricist Tim Rice is 69, Singer Donna Fargo is 68, Rock singer Greg Lake is 66, Actress-dancer Ann Reinking is 64, Actor Jack Scalia is 63 and College football coach Les Miles is 60.

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November 10th is:  Area Code Day, International Tongue Twister Day, Marine Corps Birthday, Sesame Street Day and Windows Day.

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Quip for the day......I took my girl on a date recently.  We went horseback riding which was kind of fun until we ran out of quarters.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---funny......

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba," said Jimmy Joe, "where'd you get that truck?" "Bobbi Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" said his skeptical friend.

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road, put the truck into 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want!' So, I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you are one smart man!" said Jimmy Joe. "Them clothes woulda never fit you."

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Today is Monday, November 11, the 315th day of the year.  There are 50 days left in the year.

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In 1831, former slave Nat Turner, who had led a violent insurrection, was executed in Jerusalem, Virginia.

In 1918, fighting in World War I came to an end with the signing of an armistice between the Allies and Germany.

In 1921, the Tomb of the Unknowns was dedicated at Arlington Cemetery in Virginia.

In 1933, a powerful wind stripped the topsoil from farmlands in South Dakota.  Within two days the dust reached Albany, New York.

In 1966, Gemini 12 blasted off from Cape Kennedy with astronauts James A. Lovell and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin Jr. aboard.

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Today-----Actress Bibi Anderson is 78, Actress Susan Kohner is 77, Children's writer Peg Kehret is 77, Actress Denise Alexander is 74, Guitarist Vince Martell (Vanilla Fudge) is 68, TV host Marc Summers is 62, PGA golfer Fuzzy Zoeller is 62 and Singer-guitarist Marshall Crenshaw is 60.

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November 11th is:  Death/Duty Day, Origami Day, Veterans Day and World Orphans Day.

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Quip for the day........Palindromes date all the way back to Eve.

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Larryj