another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----oldie but goodie......

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

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Today is Sunday, October 13, the 286th day of the year.  There are 79 days left in the year.

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In 1775, the United States Navy had its origins as the Continental Congress ordered the construction of a naval fleet.

In 1792, the cornerstone of the executive mansion, later known as the White House, was laid during a ceremony in the District of Columbia.

In 1845, a majority of the citizens of the Republic of Texas approved a proposed constitution, that when accepted by Congress, would make Texas the 28th American state.

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Today-------Singer Nana Mouskouri is 79, Gospel singer Shirley Caesar is 76, Actress Melinda Dillon is 74, Singer-musician Paul Simon is 72, Actress Pamela Tiffin is 71, Actor Demond Wilson is 67, Singer Sammy Hagar (Van Halen) is 66, Author-chef Mollie Katzen is 63, Film director Mary Lambert is 62 and Former Supermodel Beverly Johnson is 61.

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October 13th is:  Clergy Appreciation Day, English Language Day, International African Penguin Awareness Day, Navy Birthday and National Chess Day.

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Quip for the day.......I once won an argument with my wife...............in this dream I had.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah.....

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

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Today is Monday, October 14, the 287th day of the year.  There are 78 days left in the year.

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In 1890, Dwight D. Eisenhower, 34th president of the United States, was born in Dennison, Texas.

In 1912, Former President Theodore Roosevelt, campaigning for the White House as the Progressive candidate, was shot in the chest.  Despite the wound, Roosevelt still gave his speech, declaring, "It takes more than one bullet to kill a bull moose."

In 1947, U.S. Air Force Captain Chuck Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound.

In 1962, the Cuban missile crisis began after photographs taken by a high-altitude U-2 spy plane showed evidence of Soviet medium range missiles in Cuba.

In 1964, civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. won the Nobel Peace Prize.

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Today--------Actor Roger Moore is 86, Country singer Melba Montgomery is 76, Fashion designer Ralph Lauren is 74, Singer-songwriter Justin Hayward (Moody Blues) is 67, Actor Joey Travolta is 63, Actor Harry Anderson is 61 and Actor Greg Evigan is 60.

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October 14th is:  Be Bald And Be Free Day, National Kick Butt Day, Native American Day and Spider-Man Day.

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Quip for the day............Legalize maru.......moua.......mawo............ummmm.........pot!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---hah....

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! T HE SALT!"  The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?  You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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Today is Tuesday, October 15, the 288th day of the year.  There are 77 days left in the year.

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In 1858, the final debate between senatorial candidates Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas took place.

In 1930, legendary composer and bandleader Duke Ellington recorded his first big hit, "Mood Indigo."

In 1937, the Ernest Hemingway novel "To Have and Have Not" was first published.

In 1951, "I Love Lucy" premiered on CBS.

In 1969, peace demonstrators staged activities across the country as part of a "moratorium" against the Vietnam War.

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Today------Former auto executive Lee Iacocca is 89, Actress Linda Lavin is 76, Actress-director Penny Marshall is 70, MLB All-Star pitcher Jim Palmer is 68, Singer-musician Richard Carpenter is 67, Former tennis pro Roscoe Tanner is 62 and Singer Tito Jackson is 60.

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October 15th is:  International Day Of Rural Women, I Love Lucy Day, National Cake Decorating Day, National Grouch Day, National Latino AIDS Awareness Day, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and White Cane Safety Day.

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Quip for the day......Take the mystery out of driving.........use your turn signal.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------funny.......

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"

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Today is Wednesday, October 16, the 289th day of the year.  There are 76 days left in the year.

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In 1859, abolitionist John Brown led a raid on Harper's Ferry in an attempt to start an armed slave revolt.

In 1901, Booker T. Washington dined at the White House as the guest of President Theodore Roosevelt, whose invitation to the black educator sparked controversy.

In 1958, Chevrolet began to sell its car-truck hybrid that it called the El Camino.

In 1987, 18-month-old Jessica McClure was rescued after being trapped for 58 hours in an abandoned water well in Midland, Texas.

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Today-------Actress Angela Lansbury is 88, Actor Barry Corbin is 73, Sportscaster Tim McCarver is 72, Actor Christopher Mitchum is 70, Actress Suzanne Somers is 67 and Singer-songwriter Bob Weir (Grateful Dead) is 66.

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October 16th is:  Boss's Day, Department Store Day, Dictionary Day, National Feral Cat Day, National Take Your Parents To Lunch Day, Pro-Life Day Of Silent Solidarity, World Food Day, Hagfish Day, National Fossil Day and Support Your Local Chamber Of Commerce Day.

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Quip for the day.......Many great discoveries are made by not following the instructions.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------good one.....

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

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Today is Thursday, October 17, the 290th day of the year.  There are 75 days left in the year.

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In 1835, Texans approved a resolution to create the Texas Rangers.

In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion and sentenced to 11 years in prison.  He was released in 1939.

In 1933, Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany.

In 1989, an earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter scale struck Northern California, killing 63 people and causing $6 billion worth of damage.  (you may remember this was the one that hit at the beginning of the World Series in San Francisco.)

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Today-------Actress Julie Adams is 87, Newspaper columnist Jimmy Breslin is 83, Singer Jim Seals (Seals and Croft) is 71, Singer Gary Puckett is 71, Actor Michael McKean is 66, Actress Margot Kidder is 65 and Actor George Wendt is 65.

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October 17th is:  Alternative Fuel Day, Black Poetry Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, Get Smart About Credit Day, International Credit Union Day, International Day For The Eradication Of Poverty, Mulligan Day, National Pasta Day, Spirit Day and Wear Something Gaudy Day.

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Quip for the day.....Sometimes I just can't prevent a clean thought from entering my mind.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.........

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

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Today is Friday, October 18, the 291st day of the year.  There are 74 days left in the year.
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In 1867, the U.S. took formal possession of Alaska from Russia.

In 1931, Thomas Alva Edison died in West Orange, New Jersey, at age 84.

In 1969, the federal government banned artificial sweeteners known as cyclamates because of evidence they caused cancer in laboratory rats.

In 1982, former first lady Bess Truman died at her home in Independence, Missouri, at age 97.

In 1988, "Roseanne," a television sitcom starring Roseanne Barr, premiered on ABC.
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Today---------Rock and Roll performer Chuck Berry is 87, Actress Dawn Wells is 75, College and Pro Football coach Mike Ditka is 74, Songwriter Cynthia Weil is 73, Former MLB All-Star Willie Horton is 71, Composer Howard Shore is 67, Songwriter-guitarist Gary Richrath (REO Speedwagon) is 64, Actress Pam Dawber is 62, Author Terry McMillan is 62 and Writer-director-producer Chuck Lorre is 61.
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October 18th is:  Mammography Day, National Chocolate Cupcake Day and World Menopause Day.
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Quip for the day......When my wife saw her first strand of gray hair, she thought she'd dye!
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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------yep......

Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to separate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and the other for those that control their wives.

After the men separate one of the angels notices that there are nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.

The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his independence.

"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"

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Today is Saturday, October 19, the 292nd day of the year.  There are 73 days left in the year.

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In 1781, British troops under Gen. Lord Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown, Virginia, as the American Revolution neared its end.

In 1967, the U.S. space probe Mariner 5 flew past Venus.

In 1977, the supersonic Concorde made its first landing in New York.

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Today------Actress Juanita Moore is 91, Author John le Carre is 82, Artist Peter Max is 76, Actor Michael Gambon is 73, Actor John Lithgow is 68, Feminist activist Patricia Ireland is 68, Singer Jeannie C. Riley is 68 and Talk show host Charlie Chase is 61.

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October 19th is:  Bridge Day, Evaluate Your Life Day and Sweetest Day.

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Quip for the day......Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----old Sunday joke......

The Reverend Lewis was completing a temperance sermon and with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

Finally, the Reverend Lewis said, "And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The Curate, Roger Marples, then stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn let's sing number 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River."'

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Today is Sunday, October 20, the 293rd day of the year.  There are 72 days left in the year.

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In 1803, the U.S. Senate ratified the Louisiana Purchase.

In 1944, during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur stepped ashore in the Philippines, 2 1/2 years after saying, "I shall return."

In 1947, the House Un-American Activities committee opened hearings into alleged Communist influence and infiltration in the U.S. motion picture industry.

In 1964, the 31st president of the United States, Herbert Hoover, died at age 90.

In 1994, actor Burt Landcaster died of a heart attack in Century City, California, at age 80.

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Today-------Actress Carla Laemmle is 104, Actor William Christopher is 81, Singer Wanda Lavonne Jackson is 76, Former MLB All-Star Juan Marichal is 76, Former actress Rev. Mother Delores Hart is 75, Singer Tom Petty is 63, Actress Melanie Mayron is 61 and Former MLB player Keith Hernandez is 60.

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October 20th is:  National Sunday School Teacher Appreciation Day, World Toy Camera Day, Miss American Rose Day and National Call-in Day For Health Reform.

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Quip for the day............Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------good one......

A religious woman, upon waking up each morning, would open her front door, step out on the porch, and cry, "Praise God!"

This infuriated her atheist neighbor who always would shout back, "There is no God!"

One morning, the atheist happened to hear his neighbor praying for food.  Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought three bags of groceries and left them on her porch.

The following morning the lady came out on her porch and cried, "Praise God, who in His infinite goodness has provided me with food so that I might eat."

The atheist next door laughed harshly and shouted back, "It wasn't God!  It was me!"

The lady, without missing a beat, cried out, "Praise God not only for giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it!"

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Today is Monday, October 21, the 294th day of the year.  There are 71 days left in the year.

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In 1797, the U.S. Navy frigate Constitution, also known as "Old Ironsides," was christened in Boston's harbor.

In 1867, more than 7,000 Southern Plains Indians gathered near Medicine Lodge Creek in Kansas to sign one of the most important treaties in the history of U.S.-Indian relations.

In 1879, Thomas Edison perfected an electric light at his laboratory in Menlo Park, New Jersey.

In 1967, in Washington, D.C., nearly 100,000 people gathered to protest the American war effort in Vietnam.

In 2003, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush ordered a feeding tube reinserted into Terry Schiavo, a brain-damaged woman at the center of a right-to-die battle.

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Today-------Actress Joyce Randolph is 89, MLB Hall-of-Famer Whitey Ford is 85, Author Ursula K. Le Guin is 84, Rock singer Manfred Mann is 73, Guitarist Steve Cropper (Booker T. and The M.G.'s) is 72, TV personality Judge Judy Sheindlin is 71, Blues singer-guitarist Elvin Bishop is 71, Children's fiction writer Elizabeth Laird is 70, Singer-teen starlet Kathy Young is 68, Actress Latanya Richardson is 64, Guitarist Eric Faulkner (The Bay City Rollers) is 60 and Guitarist Charlotte Caffey (The Go-Gos) is 60.

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October 21st is:  Celebration Of The Mind Day, Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder (IDD) Prevention Day, Information Overload Day, National Clean Your Virtual Desktop Day and Reptile Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.......My wife signed me up for a bridge club.  I jump off next Tuesday.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah......

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there's another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They are trying to resuscitate me."

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Today is Tuesday, October 22, the 295th day of the year.  There are 70 days left in the year.

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In 1797, the first parachute jump of note was made by Andre-Jacques Garnerin from a hydrogen balloon 3,200 feet over Paris.

In 1913, a coal mine explosion in Dawson, New Mexico, killed more than 250 workers.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy delivered a nationally broadcast address in which he publicly revealed the presence of Soviet-built missile bases under construction in Cuba.

In 1968, Apollo 7 returned safely from Earth orbit, splashing down in the Atlantic Ocean.

In 1979, the U.S. government allowed the deposed Shah of Iran to travel to New York for medical treatment, a decision that precipitated the Iran hostage crisis.

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Today----Actress Joan Fontaine is 96, Actor Christopher Lloyd is 75, Actor-director Derek Jacobi is 75, Actress Catherine Deneuve is 70, Guitarist Leslie West (Mountain) is 68 and Actor Jeff Goldblum is 61.

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October 22nd is:  National Stuttering Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.........The average person thinks he isn't.

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Larryj