another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------old, but funny.........

Pete's friends confronted him at the office.  "We heard the bad news that you and Jennifer broke off your engagement," one said.

"That's a tough break, man," another said.  "We are so sorry."

Said a third, "What happened?"

Said a fourth, "You can tell us everything.  We're here for you, buddy."

Pete said, "It's true. Jennifer and I have split up, and I'll tell you why.  Would you marry someone who is habitually unfaithful, untruthful, who is vain and self-centered, and mean-spirited and sarcastic?"

His friends all shook their heads sympathetically.

Pete continued, "Well, neither would Jennifer."

_____________________________________________

Today is Thursday, October 3, the 276th day of the year.  There are 89 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed the last Thursday in November Thanksgiving Day.

In 1951, the New York Giants won the National League by a score of 5-4 as Bobby Thomson hit a three-run homer off the Brooklyn Dodgers' Ralph Branca in the "shot heard 'round the world."

In 1967, Woody Guthrie, godfather of the 1950's folk revival movement, died in New York at age 55.

In 1995, the jury in the O.J. Simpson murder trial found the former football star not guilty of the 1994 slayings of his former wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and Ronald Goldman.

_____________________________________________

Today---------Rock and Roll star Chubby Checker is 72, Actor Alan Rachins is 71, Magician-animal trainer Roy Horn (Siegfried and Roy) is 69, Singer Lindsey Buckingham is 64, Former astronaut Kathryn D. Sullivan is 62, Blues musician Kevin Moore is 62 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Dave Winfield is 62.

_____________________________________________

October 3rd is: National Butterfly And Hummingbird Day, National Techies Day, National Caramel Custard Day and National Taco Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day...Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------kids.........

One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

_____________________________________________

Today is Friday, October 4, the 277th day of the year.  There are 88 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1777, Gen. George Washington's troops launched an assault on the British at Germantown, Pennsylvania, resulting in heavy American casualties.

In 1822, the 19th president of the United States, Rutherford B. Hayes, was born in Delaware.

In 1927, work began on Mt. Rushmore in the Black Hills National Forest in South Dakota.  It was completed 12 years later.

In 1957, the Space Age began as the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 1, the first artificial satellite, into orbit.

In 1970, Singer Janis Joplin died of an accidental heroin overdose at age 27.

In 1990, "Beverly Hills, 90210," a TV drama about a group of teenagers in upscale Beverly Hills debuted on Fox TV.

_____________________________________________

Today---------Author Alvin Toffler is 85, Country singer Leroy Van Dyke is 84, Actress Felicia Farr is 81, Pro and College football Hall-of-Famer Sam Huff is 79, Actor Eddie Applegate is 78, Screenwriter Michael Norell is 76, Author Jackie Collins is 76, Author Roy Blount Jr. is 72, Actress Lori Saunders ("Petticoat Junction") is 72, Baseball manager Tony La Russa is 69, Songwriter Clifton Davis is 68 and Actress Susan Sarandon is 67.

_____________________________________________

October 4th is:  Blessing Of The Animals Day, Improve Your Office Day, Cinnamon Roll Day, Lee's National Denim Day, National Diversity Day, Ten-four Day, Vodka Day and World Smile Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.......Don't criticize your wife.  If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah........

Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are. The first guy says, "I'll find out" and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in  and says, "We're just over Paris." "How do you know" ask the others. "Well, I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower."

Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London." "How do you know?" asks the others. "Well, I've just felt the top of Big Ben."

Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane, and says to the others, "We have just flown over Glasgow." "How do you know that?" asks the others.

"Because somebody has just stolen my watch."

____________________________________________

Today is Saturday, October 5, the 278th day of the year.  There are 87 days left in the year.

____________________________________________

In 1892, the famous Dalton Gang attempted a daring daylight robbery of two banks in Coffeyville, Kansas.  They were nearly all killed by the quick-acting townspeople.

In 1947, President Harry S. Truman delivered the first televised White House address as he spoke on the world food crisis.

In 1953, Earl Warren was sworn in as the 14th chief justice of the U.S. succeeding Fred M. Vinson.

In 1962, The Beatles' first hit recording, "Love Me Do," was released in the United Kingdom by Parlophone Records.

In 1962, the first James Bond theatrical feature, "Dr. No" starring Sean Connery as Agent 007, premiered.

_____________________________________________

Today----Actress Glynis Johns is 90, Former astronaut Richard Gordon is 84, Actor Peter Brown is 78, Football coach Barry Switzer is 76, Singer-musician Steve Miller is 70, Rock singer Brian Johnson (AC/DC) is 66 and Actress Karen Allen is 62.

_____________________________________________

October 5th is:  Inter-American Water Day, World Card Making Day, World Teachers Day and Cephalopod Awareness Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.........Tact is the ability to keep your mouth shut before someone else wants to.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------guilty........

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial.

"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband ?"

"Well...  yeah...  I guess..." she replied.

"And when was that?"  pressed the attorney.

"Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."

_____________________________________________

Today is Sunday, October 6, the 279th day of the year.  There are 86 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America's oldest settlements.

In 1863, during the Civil War, Confederate guerilla leader William Quantrill continued his rampage through Kansas attacking Baxter Springs.

In 1866, the Reno gang carried out the first moving train robbery in the U.S. making off with $10,000 from the Ohio & Mississippi train in Jackson County, Indiana.

In 1927, the era of talking pictures arrived with the opening of "The Jazz Singer," starring Al Jolson, a movie that featured both silent and sound-synchronized sequences.

_____________________________________________

Today-------Broadcaster and writer Melvyn Bragg is 74, Actress Ellen Travolta is 73, Actress Britt Ekland is 71, Singer Millie Small is 67 and Singer-guitarist Kevin Cronin (REO Speedwagon) is 62.

_____________________________________________

October 6th is:  Change A Light Day, Ecological Debt Day, Intergeneration Day, International African Diaspora Day, Jackie Mayer Rehab Day, Mad Hatter Day, National German-American Day, World Communion Day and Country Bed & Breakfast Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.......I love cooking with wine.  Sometimes I even add it to the food.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------good one.......

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are
you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well, that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.  Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in teepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

_____________________________________________

Today is Monday, October 7, the 280th day of the year.  There are 85 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1816, the double deck steamboat, the Washington, which became the design of river boats for the Mississippi River, arrived in New Orleans.

In 1929, former Interior Secretary Albert B. Fall, one of the main figures in the Teapot Dome scandal, went on trial in Washington, D.C., charged with accepting a bribe from oil tycoon Edward L. Doheny.

In 1943, during World War II, the Japanese commander on Wake Island ordered the execution of 96 American prisoners of war claiming they were trying to make radio contact with U.S. forces.

In 1960, the first episode of the one-hour television drama, "Route 66" aired on CBS.

In 2001, the current war in Afghanistan started as the U.S. and Britain launched air attacks.

_____________________________________________

Today------TV co-host Joy Behar is 71, Actress Jill Larsen (All My Children) is 66, Country singer Kieran Kane is 64, Rock musician John Cougar Mellencamp is 62 and Rock musician Tico Torres (Bon Jovi) is 60.

_____________________________________________

October 7th is:  Child Health Day, World Habitat Day, You Matter To Me Day and World Day Of Bullying Prevention/Blue Shirt Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day............The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------aha........

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.  At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, himself."  The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.  Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

_____________________________________________

Today is Tuesday, October 8, the 281st day of the year.  There are 84 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1871, flames erupted in the Chicago barn of Patrick and Catherine O'Leary igniting a two-day blaze that killed between 200 and 300 people.

In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was indicted by grand jury in New Jersey for murder in the death of the son of Charles A. Lindbergh.

In 1956, New York Yankee's right-hander Don Larsen pitched the first no-hitter in the history of the World Series.  It was a perfect game as there were no runs, no hits, no errors and no batter reached first base.

In 1957, Rock and Roller Jerry Lee Lewis recorded "Great Balls of Fire" for Sun Records.

In 1957, the Brooklyn Baseball Club announced it was accepting an offer to move the Dodgers to Los Angeles.

_____________________________________________

Today--------Actress Eileen Essell is 91, Gossip columnist Rona Barrett is 77, Actor Paul Hogan is 74, Civil rights activist Rev. Jesse Jackson is 72, Comedian Chevy Chase is 70, Author R.L. Stine is 70, TV host-actress Sarah Purcell is 65 and Actress Sigourney Weaver is 64.

_____________________________________________

October 8th is:  Alvin C. York Day, National Face Your Fears Day and National Pierogi Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day........Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------a favorite......

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.

She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!!

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

____________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, October 9, the 282nd day of the year.  There are 83 days left in the year.

____________________________________________

In 1635, religious dissident Roger Williams was banished from the Massachusetts Bay Colony by the General Court.  With the help of some friendly Indians, he established a settlement in present-day Rhode Island.

In 1888, the public was first admitted to the Washington Monument.

In 1930, Laura Ingalls became the first woman to fly across the United States as she completed a nine-stop journey from Roosevelt Field, N.Y., to Glendale, CA.

In 1936, harnessing the power of the Colorado River, Hoover Dam began sending electricity to Los Angeles.

In 1987, Author, politician and diplomat Clare Boothe Luce died at age 84.

_____________________________________________

Today------Jazz musician Yusef Lateef is 93, Actor Fyvush Finkel is 91, Actor Donald Sinden is 90, Singer Jackson Browne is 65, Actress-TV personality Sharon Osbourne is 61 and Actor Tony Shalhoub is 60.

_____________________________________________

October 9th is:  Emergency Nurses Day, International Top Spinning Day, National Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work And School Day, National Chess Day, National Pro-Life Cupcake Day, Leif Erikson Day, S.A.V.E. (Stop America's Violence Everywhere), Stop Bullying Day, Walk To School Day and World Post Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.....I have a step ladder.  It's a very nice step ladder, but it's a shame that I never knew my real ladder.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----a little late, dentist appointment.......

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!".

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies, "I'm
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

_____________________________________________

Today is Thursday, October 10, the 283rd day of the year.  There are 82 days left in the year.
_____________________________________________

In 1845, the U.S. Naval Academy was established in Annapolis, Maryland.

In 1935, the George Gershwin opera, "Porgy and Bess," featuring an all-black cast, opened on Broadway; it ran for 124 performances.

In 1973, Vice President Spiro Agnew, accused of accepting bribes, pleaded no contest to one count of federal income tax evasion, and resigned his office.

In 1991, former U.S. Postal worker Joseph Harris shot two former co-workers at the Post Office in Ridgewood, New Jersey, thus began the phrase "going postal."

In 2004, actor Christopher Reeve, who became famous for his role as Superman, died from heart failure in New York at age 52.

_____________________________________________

Today---------Actor Peter Coyote is 72, Entertainer Ben Vereen is 67, Country/folk singer John Prine is 67, Actress Jessica Harper is 64, Author Nora Roberts (aka "J.D. Robb") is 63 and Former basketball All-Star Gus Williams is 60.

_____________________________________________

October 10th is:  International Day For Natural Disaster Reduction, International Newspaper Carrier Day, National Handbag Day, Naval Academy Day, Walk To School Day, World Egg Day, World Mental Health Day and World Porridge Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day......My ex is living proof of how stupid I can be.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------ouch......

The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first man, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". A look of shock comes over the man's face. He says, "I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. I guess I'm not the man for this job". "No, you're not", agree the agents, "You're free to go".

They bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.
Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent and after five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming down his face. "I tried," he says, "but I just couldn't do it. I can't kill my wife". The agents let him leave.

They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your husband". She takes the gun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13
rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for the next five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. The
door finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looks at both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew! You guys didn't
tell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

_____________________________________________

Today is Friday, October 11, the 284th day of the year.  There are 81 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1809, the famous explorer Meriwether Lewis died under mysterious circumstances in Tennessee at age 35.

In 1811, the first steam powered ferryboat, the Juliana (built by John Stevens), was put into operation between New York City and Hoboken, New Jersey.

In 1968, Apollo 7, the first manned Apollo mission, was launched with astronauts Wally Schirra, Donn Fulton Eisele and R. Walter Cunningham aboard.

In 1975, "Saturday Night Live" made its debut on NBC.

In 2002, former President Jimmy Carter won the Nobel Peace Prize.

____________________________________________

Today-------Actor Ron Leibman is 76, Country singer Gene Watson is 70, Rock singer Daryl Hall (Hall and Oakes) is 67, Country singer Paulette Carlson is 62 and Actor David Morse is 60.

____________________________________________

October 11th is:  General Pulaski Memorial Day, International Day Of The Girl, National Coming Out Day, National Costume Swap Day, National Family Bowling Day, Universal Music Day and Southern Food Heritage Day.

____________________________________________

Quip for the day.......Age is just a number.......and mine is un-listed.

____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---from the mouths of babes......

For weeks a six-year old boy kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

_____________________________________________

Today is Saturday, October 12, the 285th day of the year.  There are 80 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1492, Christopher Columbus saw a Bahamian Island thinking he had reached East Asia.

In 1870, Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee died peacefully at his home in Lexington, Virginia, at age 63.

In 1933, bank robber John Dillinger escaped from a jail in Allen County, Ohio, with the help of his gang, who killed the sheriff, Jess Sarber.

In 1940, cowboy movie actor Tom Mix was killed when he lost control of his Cord Phaeton convertible near Florence, Arizona, at age 60.

In 1997, singer John Denver lost control of a plane he was flying over Monterey Bay and was killed.  He was 54.

_____________________________________________

Today-------Actress Antonia Rey is 86, Comedian Dick Gregory is 81, Soul singer Sam Moore (Sam and Dave) is 78, TV correspondent Chris Wallace is 66, Singer-guitarist Rick Parfitt (Status Quo) is 65, Novelist Richard Price is 64 and Actress-singer Susan Anton is 63.

_____________________________________________

October 12th is:  Columbus Day, Day Of The Six Billion, Free Thought Day and International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day........They say it is better to give than receive.  I say it depends on the gift.

_____________________________________________

Larryj