another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----oh no..........

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

_____________________________________________

Today is Monday, September 23, the 266th day of the year.  There are 99 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1779, during the Revolutionary War, the U.S. ship Bonhomme Richard, commanded by John Paul Jones, defeated the British ships, the Serapis and the Countess of Scarborough off the English coast.

In 1806, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis more than two years after setting out for the Pacific Northwest.

In 1875, Billy the Kid was arrested for the first time --- for stealing a basket of laundry.

In 1952, California Sen. Richard M. Nixon appeared on TV to refute allegations of improper campaign fundraising.  The address became known as the "Checkers" speech because of Nixon's reference to his dog, Checkers.

_____________________________________________

Today-------Actor Mickey Rooney is 93, Actor Tom Lester is 75, Singer Julio Iglesias is 70, Actor Paul Peterson is 68, Actress Mary Kay Place is 66, Rock musician Neal Smith is 66, Rock musician Bruce Springsteen is 64 and Actress Rosalind Chao is 60.

_____________________________________________

September 23rd is:  Innergize Day and Restless Legs Awareness Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.....I am not honking because I love Jesus, I'm honking because you are an idiot driver.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah...

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding.  Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. Jeff asks, "Say, where did you get the six-pack?"  Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you are!"

_____________________________________________

Today is Tuesday, September 24, the 267th day of the year.  There are 98 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1789, Congress passed the Judiciary Act, which provided for an attorney-general and a Supreme Court.

In 1890, faced with the eminent destruction of their church and way of life, Mormon leaders reluctantly issued the "Mormon Manifesto" in which they commanded all Latter-day Saints to uphold the anti-polygamy laws of the nation.

In 1929, Lt. James H. Doolittle guided a biplane in New York in the first all-instrument flight.

In 1955, President Dwight D. Eisenhower suffered a heart attack.

In 1961, "Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color" premiered on NBC.

______________________________________________

Today-------Actor-singer Herb Jeffries is 102, Singer-actress Sheila Macrae is 89, Rock musician Gerry Marsden (Gerry and the Pacemakers) is 71, News anchor Lou Dobbs is 68, Former NFL player Joe Green is 67, Screenwriter-director Pedro Almodovar is 64 and Former U.S. Rep. Joseph Kennedy, D-Mass., is 61.

______________________________________________

September 24th is:  Punctuation Day, Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving, National Voter Registration Day and National Woman Road Warrior Day.

______________________________________________

Quip for the day.....At my age, I've begun to regret the sins I DID NOT commit.

______________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----funny......

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.  "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

_____________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, September 25, the 268th day of the year.  There are 97 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1775, American Revolutionary War hero Ethan Allen was captured by the British as he led an attack on Montreal.

In 1789, the first Congress of the United States approved the Amendments to the U.S. Constitution and sent them to the states for ratification.

In 1911, ground was broken for Boston's Fenway Park.

In 1957, under escort from the U.S. Army's 101st Airborne Division, nine black students entered all-white Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas.

In 1978, a Pacific Southwest Airlines jet collided in mid-air with a small Cessna over San Diego killing 153 people.

In 1981, Sandra Day O'Connor was sworn in as the first female justice on the Supreme Court.

_____________________________________________

Today--------Broadcast journalist Barbara Walters is 84, Musician-composer Ian Tyson (Ian and Silvia) is 80, Actor Josh Taylor is 70, Actor Robert Walden is 70, Actor-producer Michael Douglas is 69, Model Cheryl Tiegs is 66, Actor Anson Williams is 64, Actress Mimi Kennedy is 64, NBA Hall-of-Famer Bob McAdoo is 62 and Actor Mark Hamill is 62.

_____________________________________________

September 25th is:  (World) Ataxia Awareness Day, Family Day - A Day To Eat Dinner With Your Kids, Math Story Telling Day, National One-Hit Wonder Day and National Women's Health And Fitness Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day......I know I'm getting old....last year my insurance company sent me half a calendar.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Yesterday's-------funny....

A guy goes into a bar and notices a gorgeous woman at the other end of the bar.  He is totally smitten by her beauty and tries to think of a way to meet her.  Finally, he asks the bartender if he has any Spanish fly.  The bartender goes in the back and comes back and tells the guy that they are out of Spanish fly, but they have Jewish fly which is even more effective and the cost is $10.

The guy agrees to pay the money and has the bartender mix her a drink and put the Jewish fly in it.  The bartender does just that and serves the drink to the woman telling her it is from the gentleman at the other end of the bar.  She looks over at him with disinterest and drinks her drink.

After about twenty minutes, she looks over at him again and slides off her barstool.  She saunters over to him, oozing sensuality, smiling and puts her arms around him and whispers in his ear........

"Hey, handsome, wanna go shopping?"

_______________________________________________

Yesterday was Thursday, September 26, the 269th day of the year.  There were 96 days left in the year.

_______________________________________________

In 1777, British troops occupied Philadelphia during the American Revolution.

In 1870, the great pioneering frontiersman Daniel Boone died in his sleep near present-day Defiance, Missouri, at age 86.

In 1937, the radio drama "The Shadow," starring Orson Welles, premiered on the Mutual Broadcasting System.

In 1945, Lt. Col. Peter Dewey, a U.S. Army officer with the OSS in Vietnam, was shot and killed in Saigon becoming the first American soldier to die in Vietnam.

In 1969, the family comedy series "The Brady Bunch" premiered on ABC-TV.

_____________________________________________

Yesterday-------Actor Philip Bosco was 93, Actress Donna Douglas was 81, Actor Jonathan Goldsmith was 75, Actor Kent McCord was 71, Actress Mary Beth Hurt was 67, Country singer Lynn Anderson was 66 and Singer Olivia Newton-John was 65.

_____________________________________________

September 26th was:  Johnny Appleseed Day, Shamu The Whale Day and World Maritime Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day............My mind works like lightning........one brilliant flash and then it's gone.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----old, and funny......

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir".

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just prostitutes and hockey players up there." The manager was shocked and replied "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy answered, "Really! What team did she play for?"

_____________________________________________

Today is Friday, September 27, the 270th day of the year.  There are 95 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1779, John Adams was named by Congress to negotiate the Revolutionary War's peace terms with Britain.

In 1864, a guerilla band led by William "Bloody Bill" Anderson sacked the town of Centralia, Missouri, killing 22 unarmed Union soldiers and slaughtering nearly 100 pursuing troops.

In 1941, on "Liberty Fleet Day," the United States launched 14 military cargo vessels, including the first Liberty ship, which was personally launched by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

In 1964, the report of the Warren Commission was released, which found that Lee Harvey Oswald was alone in assassinating President John F. Kennedy.

______________________________________________

Today------Actress Jayne Meadows is 93, Actress Kathleen Nolan is 80, Actor Wilford Brimley is 79, Actor Claude Jarman Jr. is 79, Author Barbara Howard is 79, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Kathy Whitworth is 74, Rock musician Randy Bachman is 70, Actress-comedian Liz Torres is 66, Singer Meat Loaf is 66, Former baseball Hall-of-Famer Mike Schmidt is 64 and Actress Gail Edwards  is 61.

______________________________________________

September 27th is:  Ancestor Appreciation Day, Gay Men's HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Google's Birthday, Hug A Vegetarian Day, Save The Koala Day and World Tourism Day.

______________________________________________

Quip for the day......The reason men lie is because women ask too many questions.

______________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------funny......

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme and her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."Let the old fool dig. I had him buried upside down."

_____________________________________________

Today is Saturday, September 28, the 271st day of the year.  There are 94 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1542, Portuguese navigator Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego.

In 1781, American forces in the Revolutionary War began their siege of Yorktown, Virginia.

In 1787, the Congress of the Confederation voted to send the just-completed Constitution of the United States to state legislatures for their approval.

In 1850, flogging was abolished as a form of punishment in the U.S. Navy.

In 1991, jazz trumpet legend Miles Davis died in a California hospital at the age of 65.

_____________________________________________

Today-------Actress Brigitte Bardot is 79, Singer Ben E. King is 75, Actor Joel Higgins is 70, Movie writer-director-actor John Sayles is 63, Actress Paulette Washington is 63 and Singer Jim Diamond is 60.

_____________________________________________

September 28th is:  Family Health And Fitness Day, Fish Tank Floorshow Night, Fish Amnesty Day, International Lace Day, Kids Day (Kiwanis Clubs), Love Note Day, National Hunting And Fishing Day, National Good Neighbor Day, National Museum Day, National Public Lands Day, R.E.A.D. In America Day, World Heart Day and World Rabies Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.........A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------planning ahead......

One rainy evening, my husband and I emerged from a restaurant, only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

He then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a coat hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open, and we climbed in.

As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."

____________________________________________

Today is Sunday, September 29, the 272nd day of the year.  There are 93 days left in the year.

____________________________________________

In 1780, British spy and accomplice of Benedict Arnold, John Andre was court-martialed, found guilty and sentenced to death.

In 1789, the U.S. War Department established a regular army with a strength of several hundred men.

In 1907, "The Singing Cowboy" Gene Autry was born near Tioga, Texas.  He died on October 2, 1998.

____________________________________________

Today----Actress Lizabeth Scott is 92, Former NFL coach Bum Phillips is 90, Actress Anita Ekberg is 82, Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 78, Jazz-rock violinist Jean Luc Ponty is 71, Actor Ian McShane is 71, Television-film composer Mike Post is 69, Actress Patricia Hodge is 67, TV personality Bryant Gumbel is 65, Gutarist Mark Karner (Grand Funk Railroad) is 65 and Actor Drake Hogestyn is 60.

_____________________________________________

September 29th is:  Gold Star Mother's Day, MAGS Day, National Attend Your Grandchild's Birth Day, International Coffee Day and VFW Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.....Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------old favorite......

A guy suspects that his wife is having an affair.  So one day during lunch, he goes home to find his wife half nude in bed.  He becomes angry and starts tearing the apartment apart looking for his wife's lover.  He throws furniture around, looks under beds and throws all the clothes out of the closets.  Not finding anyone, he becomes really frustrated and in a fit of real anger, grabs the refrigerator and heaves it off the balcony of their third story apartment.  In doing this, he has a heart attack and dies.

He arrives at the pearly gates and St. Peter asked him how he died.  He relates the story of his anger and the heavy exertion he used in searching the apartment and throwing the refrigerator off the balcony and that he had a heart attack and died.  St. Peter tells him to go on into Heaven.

A little while later, another guy shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter asked him how he died.  He replied that he was sitting in his car in front of his apartment building when a refrigerator crashed on his car crushing him and he died instantly.  St. Peter tells him to go on into Heaven.

Still later, another guy who is nude shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter asks him how he died.  The guy says, "You're not going to believe this one.  I was hiding inside this refrigerator......"

_____________________________________________

Today is Monday, September 30, the 273rd day of the year.  There are 92 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1777, the Continental Congress, forced to flee in the face of advancing British forces, moved to York, Pennsylvania.

In 1927, Babe Ruth hit his 60th home run of the 1927 season, setting a record that would stand for 34 years.

In 1949, after 15 months and 250,000 flights, the Berlin Airlift officially ended.

In 1954, the USS Nautilus, the world's first nuclear submarine, was commissioned by the U.S. Navy.

In 1955, 24-year-old actor James Dean was killed in an auto accident in Cholame, California.

_____________________________________________

Today-------Nobel Peace Laureate Elie Wiesel is 85, Actress Angie Dickinson is 82, Gospel singer Cissy Houston is 80, Singer Johnny Mathis is 78, Singer Marilyn McCoo is 70, Rock musician Marc Bolan (T-Rex) is 66 and Actor Jack Wild is 61.

_____________________________________________

September 30th is:  Ask A Stupid Question Day, Blasphemy Day and International Translation Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.........Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------funny........

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an elderly Native American man went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained. A week later, he again went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This guy is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the man to predict the weather for the remainder of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old man didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."

_____________________________________________

Today is Tuesday, October 1, the 274th day of the year.  There are 91 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1890, an act of Congress created Yosemite National Park.

In 1908, Henry Ford introduced the Model T Ford automobile to the market.

In 1932, Babe Ruth of the New York Yankees made his supposed called shot, hitting a home run against Chicago's Charlie Root in the fifth inning of Game 3 of the World Series.

In 1961, Roger Maris of the New York Yankees hit his 61st home run during a 162-game season, compared with Babe Ruth's 60 home runs during a 154-game season.

In 1962, Johnny Carson took over as the host of the late night program "The Tonight Show."

_____________________________________________

Today-------Former President Jimmy Carter is 89, Actress-singer Julie Andrews is 78, Actress Stella Stevens is 75, Author Gay Courter is 69, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Rod Carew is 68, Jazz musician Dave Holland is 67, Actor Stephen Collins is 66 and Actor Randy Quaid is 63.

_____________________________________________

October 1st is:  CD Player Day, Fire Pup Day, International Day Of Older Persons, Model T Day, National Lace Day and World Vegetarian Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.......Due to intense mind fog, all my thoughts have been grounded.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------good one.......

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight   The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

_____________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, October 2, the 275th day of the year.  There are 90 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson suffered a stroke at the White House that left him paralyzed on his left side.

In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts," created by Charles M. Schulz, was syndicated to seven newspapers.

In 1968, St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Bob Gibson struck out 17 Detroit Tigers in the first game of the World Series breaking Sandy Koufax's record for the most strikeouts in a Series game.

In 1985, actor Rock Hudson died at age 59 after battling AIDS.

_____________________________________________

Today---------Former MLB player Maury Wills is 81, Movie critic Rex Reed is 75, Singer Don McLean is 68, Fashion designer Donna Karan is 65, Actor Avery Brooks is 65, Photographer Annie Leibovitz is 64, Rock musician Mike Rutherford (Genesis) is 63 and Singer-actor Sting is 62.

_____________________________________________

October 2nd is:  Balloons Around The World Day, Guardian Angels Day, International Day Of Non-Violence, National Custodial Worker's Day, Phineas Fogg's Wager Day and World Farm Animals Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day......In Spain, they have the Running of the Bulls.  Followed, of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the Idiots.

_____________________________________________

Larryj