another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah..........

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

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Today is Friday, September 13, the 256th day of the year.  There are 109 days left in the year.

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In 1788, The Congress of the Confederation authorized the first national election and declared New York City the temporary capital.

In 1814, Francis Scott Key penned a poem which was later set to music and in 1931 became America's national anthem "The Star-Spangled Banner."

In 1959, Elvis Presley first met his future wife, 14-year-old Priscilla Beaulieu, while stationed in West Germany with the U.S. Army.

In 1970, the first New York City Marathon was held.

In 1971, after four days the prisoner riot at Attica Prison came to a violent end as law enforcement officers opened fire killing 29 inmates and 10 hostages.

In 1998, George Wallace, one of the most controversial politicians in U.S. history, died in Montgomery, Alabama, at age 79.

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Today-----Actress Barbara Bain is 82, TV producer Fred Silverman is 76, Actor Richard Kiel is 74, Musician David Clayton-Thomas (Blood Sweat and Tears) is 72, Olympics gymnastics coach Bela  Karolyi is 71, Actress Jacqueline Bisset is 69, Rock musician Peter Cetera (Chicago) is 69, Actress Jean Smart is 62 and Singer Randy Jones (The Village People) is 61.

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September 13th is:  Blame Someone Else Day, International Chocolate Day, Kids Take Over The Kitchen Day, National Celiac Awareness Day, National Peanut Day, Roald Dahl Day, Stand Up To Cancer Day and Yom Kippur.

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Quip for the day......You've never been truly drunk until you have had to use the bar stool as a walker to get home.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------oldie....

A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had grown tired of working so hard to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it.  So he thought it would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and on the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for the nearest train station.  After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags into the wagon and then headed for their honeymoon home. They had traveled only two miles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse to its feet. He looked at the horse and said "THAT'S ONE" and got back in the wagon smiled at the woman and continued on their way.  They traveled only another two miles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagon to whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse "THAT'S TWO".  He took his seat beside his new bride and continued on their way.  After traveling another two miles the horse stumbled for the third time.  The rancher got out of the wagon carrying his rifle. He walked up to the horse and shot it right between the eyes, saying, "THAT'S THREE". He turned to the wagon only to hear his new bride say, "Why in the hell did you do that for?  Now we have to walk".  The rancher said to the woman, "THAT'S ONE".

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Today is Saturday, September 14, the 257th day of the year.  There are 108 days left in the year.

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In 1861, the first naval battle of the Civil War took place as the USS Colorado sank the Confederate private schooner Judah.

In 1901, President William McKinley died in New York of gunshot wounds inflicted by an assassin.  Vice-President Theodore Roosevelt succeeded him.

In 1975, Elizabeth Ann Seton was canonized by Pope Paul VI becoming the first American-born Catholic Saint.

In 1982, Princess Grace of Monaco, the American-born former film star Grace Kelly, died at age 52 from injuries sustained in an auto accident.

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Today-----Actress Zoe Caldwell is 80, Actor Walter Koenig is 77, Basketball Hall-of-Fame coach Larry Brown is 73, Entertainer Joey Heatherton is 69, Rock musician Bowzer (Sha Na Na) is 66, Actor Sam Neill is 66 and Actor Robert Wisdom is 60.

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September 14th is:  Farmer's Consumer Awareness Day and National Kreme Filled Donut Day.

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Quip for the day....One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one....

THE U.S. NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too corporate, and because I thought, Hey, I like to swim...Why not?

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like deck, bulkhead, cover, and head, when I really mean floor, wall, hat, and toilet. I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found colleagues.

So help me Neptune.

Signature:__________________ Date:______________

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Today is Sunday, September 15, the 258th day of the year.  There are 107 days left in the year.
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In 1776, British forces occupied New York City during the American Revolution.

In 1789, the U.S. Department of Foreign Affairs was renamed the Department of State.

In 1858, the new Overland Mail Company sent out its two stages inaugurating government mail service between the eastern and western regions of the nation.

In 1862, Confederate forces captured Harper's Ferry, Virginia, during the Civil War.

In 1887, the city of Philadelphia launched a three-day celebration of the 100th anniversary of the Constitution of the United States.

In 1958, a commuter train plunged off a bridge into Newark Bay in New Jersey killing 47 passengers.

In 1963, a bomb exploded during Sunday morning services in the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama, killing four young girls.

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Today-----Actor Forrest Compton is 88, Comedian Norm Crosby is 86, Actor Henry Silva is 85, Actor Henry Darrow is 80, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Gaylord Perry is 75, Opera singer Jessye Norman is 68, Actor Tommy Lee Jones is 67, Movie director Oliver Stone is 67, College and Pro football coach Pete Carroll is 62 and Musician Jerome Youngman is 62.

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September 15th is:  Felt Hat Day, Google.com Day, Greenpeace Day, International Day of Democracy, International Dot Day and LGBT Center Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.......Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------oh no......

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here.  Will you do it?"

Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK."

He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.

"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."

"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"

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Today is Monday, September 16, the 259th day of the year.  There are 106 days left in the year.

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In 1620, the Mayflower departed from Plymouth, England, with 102 passengers bound for Virginia.  Stormy weather and navigational errors forced it off course landing in present-day Massachusetts on November 21.

In 1893, the largest land run in history began with more than 100,000 people pouring into the Cherokee Strip in Oklahoma.

In 1908, General Motors was founded in Flint, Michigan, by William C. Durant.

In 1919, the American Legion received a charter from Congress.

In 1987, two dozen countries signed the Montreal Protocol, a treaty designed to save the Earth's ozone layer by calling on nations to cut chemical emissions by 2000.

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Today------Actress Janis Paige is 91, Actress Lauren Bacall is 89, Blues singer B.B. King is 88, Actor Morgan Woodward is 88, Actor George Chakiris is 79, Former NBA player Elgin Baylor is 79, Actress Linda Miller is 71, Musician Kenney Jones (Faces) is 65, Author Julia Donaldson is 65, Actress Susan Ruttan is 65, Actor Ed Begley Jr. is 64 and Actor Christopher Rich is 60.

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September 16th is:  Anne Bradstreet Day, International Day For The Preservation Of The Ozone Layer, Mayflower Day, Stay Away From Seattle Day, Stepfamily Day and Trail Of Tears Commemoration Day.

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Quip for the day.........Some people are discovered, others are found out.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------good one...

There was an inmate on death row, and he was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.  But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started..."One million bottles of beer on the wall......!"

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Today is September 17, the 260th day of the year.  There are 105 days left in the year.

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In 1787, the Constitution of the United States was completed and signed by a majority of delegates attending the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia.

In 1862, during the Civil War, Union and Confederate forces clashed near Maryland's Antietam Creek in the bloodiest one-day battle in American history.

In 1937, the likeness of President Abraham Lincoln's head was dedicated at Mount Rushmore.

In 1972, the Korean War comedy-drama "M-A-S-H" premiered on CBS.

In 1976, NASA publicly unveiled its first space shuttle, the Enterprise, during a ceremony at Palmdale, California.

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Today------Actor David Huddleston is 83, Apollo 14 astronaut Edgar Mitchell is 83, MLB All-Star Orlando Cepeda is 76, Retired Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter is 74, Basketball Hall-or-Fame coach Phil Jackson is 68, Singer Fee Waybill is 63, Actress Cassandra Peterson ("Elvira, Mistress of the Dark") is 62 and Comedian Rita Rudner is 60.

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September 17th is: Citizenship Day, Constitution Day, Time's Up Day and VFW Ladies Auxiliary Day.

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Quip for the day.......It's good to question authority, just not mine.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------entitled "You can't win"......

A farmer and his boy were taking a mule to the market.  The man sat on the mule and the boy walked.  People along the way said things like, "Look at that, a big strong man sitting on a mule while the little boy has to walk."

The father dismounted and the son took his place on the mule.  They started hearing on-lookers say things like, "That poor man has to walk when he has a mule?"

Next, both father and son were on the mule's back, but then they heard people say things like, "How cruel.  Two people sitting on one mule!"

Off they jumped, but now bystanders starting saying things like, "How crazy is that?  The mule has nothing on his back and two people are walking."

Finally, father and son were carrying the mule!

They never made it to market.

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Today is Wednesday, September 18, the 261st day of the year.  There are 104 days left in the year.

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In 1793, George Washington laid the cornerstone to the United States Capitol building.  It would take nearly a century to complete.

In 1927, the Columbia Phonograph Broadcasting System (later CBS) made it's on-air debut with 16 radio stations.

In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.

In 1975, Newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was captured by the FBI in San Francisco, 19 months after being kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

In 1996, Boston Red Sox pitcher Roger Clemens struck out 20 Detroit Tigers tying his own major league record for most strikeouts in a game.

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Today-------Voice actress June Foray is 96, Actor Robert Blake is 80, Actor Fred Willard is 74, Singer Frankie Avalon is 73, Actor Billy Drago is 67, Musician Kerry Livgren (Kansas) is 64 and Actress Anna Deavere Smith is 63.

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September 18th is:  Chiropractic Founders Day, Hug A Greeting Card Writer Day, National Cheeseburger Day, National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day, National HIV/AIDS And Aging Awareness Day, National Rehabilitation Day, National Respect Day and World Water Monitoring Day.

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Quip for the day.......Life is like a doughnut.  Either you're in the dough or you're in the hole.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah.........

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"  "274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"  "Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"  "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

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Today is Thursday, September 19, the 262nd day of the year.  There are 103 days left in the year.
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In 1796, President George Washington's farewell address was published.

In 1881, eighty days after being shot in Washington, D.C., President James A. Garfield died from his wounds.

In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was arrested in New York and charged with the kidnap-murder of Charles A. Lindbergh Jr.

In 1957, the United States conducted its first contained underground nuclear test, code-named Rainier, in the Nevada desert.

In 1970, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" debuted on CBS-TV.

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Today-----TV host James Lipton is 87, Actor Adam West is 85, Actor David McCallum is 80, Singer Bill Medley is 73, Songwriter Paul Williams is 73, Singer Freda Payne is 71, MLB Hall-of-Famer Joe Morgan is 70, Actor Randolph Mantooth is 68, Singer-songwriter David Bromberg is 68, Actor Jeremy Irons is 65, Fashion model Leslie Twiggy Lawson is 64, TV personality Joan Lunden is 63 and Musician Nile Rodgers (CHIC; The Honeydrippers) is 61.

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September 19th is:  Talk Like A Pirate Day.

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Quip for the day.....Therapy is expensive. bubble wrap is cheap.............you choose.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oops......

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

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Today is September 20, the 263rd day of the year.  There are 102 days left in the year.

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In 1806, after nearly two-and-a-half years spent exploring the Western wilderness, Lewis and Clark arrived at La Charette, the first white settlement they had seen since the beginning of their exploration.

In 1873, panic swept the floor of the New York Stock Exchange in the wake of railroad bond defaults and bank failures.

In 1958, Martin Luther King Jr. was stabbed during a book signing in New York City by Izola Curry, who was later found mentally incompetent.

In 1973, in a highly publicized "Battle Of The Sexes" tennis match, top women's player Billie Jean King, 29, beat Bobby Riggs, 55, a former No.1 ranked men's player.

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Today------Singer Gogi Grant is 89, Actress Anne Meara is 84, Actress Sophia Loren is 79, NHL right-winger Guy Lafleur is 62 and Actress Debbi Morgan is 62.

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September 20th is:  Clean Up The World Weekend (20-22), National POW/MIA Recognition Day and National Tradesmen Day.

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Quip for the day.......A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you are in deep water.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----funny.......

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men for a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor: the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they go. Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?".

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow, say the women! Very tempting, but, there's more further up!? And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping, and have a nice day."

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Today is Saturday, September 21, the 264th day of the year.  There are 101 days left in the year.

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In 1897, the New York Sun ran its famous editorial written anonymously by Francis P. Church, which declared, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus."

In 1938, a hurricane struck parts of New York and New England, killing 700 people.

In 1981, Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Steve Carlton struck out the 3,118th batter of his career breaking Bob Gibson's National League record for career strikeouts.

In 1989, Hurricane Hugo crashed into Charleston, South Carolina.  The storm directly caused 26 deaths.

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Today-------Poet-songwriter Leonard Cohen is 79, Former NBA coach Doug Moe is 75, Producer Jerry Bruckheimer is 70, Songwriter-guitarist Don Felder (The Eagles) is 66, Author Stephen King is 66 and Actor-comedian Bill Murray is 63.

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September 21st is:  Big Whopper Liar Day, Boys' And Girls' Club Day For Kids, International Day Of Peace, International Eat An Apple Day, International Coastal Cleanup Day, Nickelodeon's Worldwide Day Of Play, Puppy Mill Awareness Day, Responsible Dog Ownership Day and World's Alzheimer's Day.

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Quip for the day............I have invented a substance that can eat through anything.  The problem?  How to store it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----through a child's eyes........

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

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Today is Sunday, September 22, the 265th day of the year.  There are 100 days left in the year.

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In 1776, Nathan Hale was hanged as a spy by the British during the Revolutionary War.

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, declaring all slaves in rebel states should be free as of Jan. 1, 1863.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy signed legislation establishing the Peace Corps as a permanent government agency.

In 1975, Sara Jane Moore attempted to shoot President Gerald R. Ford in San Francisco.

In 1993, an Amtrak train headed to Miami derailed near Mobile, Alabama, killing 47 people.

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Today-------Baseball Hall-of-Fame manager Tommy Lasorda is 86, Singer-songwriter-actress Toni Basil is 70, Actor Paul LeMat is 68 and Rock musician David Cloverdale (Deep Purple) is 62.

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September 22nd is:  AKC Responsible Dog Ownership Day, American Business Women's Day, Autumnal Equinox at 4:44 EDT, Car Free Day, Dear Diary Day, Elephant Appreciation Day, Hobbit Day, Ice Cream Cone Day, International Day Of Radiant Peace, National Centenarians Day, National White Chocolate Day and Wife Appreciation Day.

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Quip for the day......I went to buy some camouflage trousers, but I couldn't see any.

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Larryj