another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------another good one.....

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

_____________________________________________

Today is Saturday, August 24, the 236th day of the year.  There are 129 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1814, during the War of 1812, British forces invaded Washington, D.C., setting fire to the Capitol and the White House, as well as other buildings.

In 1912, Congress passed a measure creating the Alaska Territory.  Also, Congress approved legislation establishing Parcel Post delivery by the U.S. Post Office Department.

In 1932, Amelia Earhart embarked on a 19-hour flight from Los Angeles to Newark, New Jersey, making her the first woman to fly solo, nonstop, from coast to coast.

In 1959, the North Atlantic Treaty came into force.

In 1981, Mark David Chapman was sentenced to 20 years to life for the murder of Beatle John Lennon.

_____________________________________________

Today-------British actor Kenny Baker (R2-D2) is 79, Actress Ronee Blakely is 68, Rock musician Ken Hensley (Uriah Heep) is 68, Actress Anne Archer is 66, Astronaut Anna Lee Fisher is 64, Actor Joe Regalbuto is 64 and NFL coach Mike Shanahan is 61.

_____________________________________________

August 24th is:  Pluto Demoted Day, Vesuvius Day, William Wilberforce Day, National Waffle Day and International Bat Night (24-25.)

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day........You know you are getting older when Happy Hour is a nap.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.......

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago this morning."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you now as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal!"

_____________________________________________

Today is Sunday, August 25, the 237th day of the year.  There are 128 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1718, hundreds of French colonists arrive in Louisiana, with some settling in present-day New Orleans.

In 1916, the National Park Service was established within the Department of the Interior.

In 1939, The Wizard of Oz opened in theaters around the United States.

In 1985, New York Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden became the youngest 20-game winner in major league history.

In 2009, Sen. Edward "Ted" Kennedy died from brain cancer at his home in Hyannis Port, Massachusetts, at age 77.

_____________________________________________

Today---------Game show host Monte Hall is 92, Actor Sean Connery is 83, TV personality Regis Philbin is 82, Actor David Canary is 75, Author John Forsyth is 75, Movie director John Badham is 74, MLB player Rollie Fingers is 67, Rock singer Gene Simmons is 64 and Rock singer Rod Halford (Judas Priest) is 62.

_____________________________________________

August 25th is:  Founders Day (National Park Service), Go Topless Day, Kiss And Makeup Day, National Second-hand Wardrobe Day and National Whiskey Sour Day.

(Editor's note:  I am truly sorry......but my sense of humor has me thinking.......we should go to a National Park, strip off our used clothing, have a few drinks and kiss and make up or whatever.....I'm bad.... )

____________________________________________

Quip for the day.....Most of us can keep a secret.  It's the ones we tell it to who can't.

____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------good one.....

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.  With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

_____________________________________________

Today is Monday, August 26, the 238th day of the year.  There are 127 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, guaranteeing American women's right to vote, was certified in effect by Secretary of State Bainbridge Colby.

In 1939, the first televised major league baseball game was broadcast on station W2XB, later to become WNBC-TV.  Announcer Red Barber called the game between the Cincinnati Reds and the Brooklyn Dodgers.

In 1958, Alaskans went to the polls to overwhelmingly vote in favor of statehood.

In 1974, famed aviator Charles Lindbergh, the first man to accomplish a solo non-stop flight across the Atlantic, died in Maui, Hawaii, at age 72.

_____________________________________________

Today-----Former Washington Post Executive Benjamin C. Bradlee is 92, NBA Hall-of-Famer Tom Heinsohn is 79, Punk Rock musician Jet Black (The Stranglers) is 75, Astronaut John Blaha is 71, Former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge is 68, Music composer Valerie Simpson is 67 and Author Carl Deuker is 63.

_____________________________________________

August 26th is:  National Dog Day and Women's Equality Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day..........I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------cute......

Mom answered the door and greeted a neighbor lady who had dropped by for a visit.  When there were sounds in the kitchen, the visitor paused, but Mom said, "Oh, don't bother about that.  It must be little Suzy, my daughter."

Presently, Suzy walked into the room and presented two cups of hot tea on a tray.  "Suzy, how wonderful!" her Mom gushed.  "Thank you!"

The visitor took a sip of her tea and pronounced, "It's delicious.  Thank you, Suzy."

Mom asked her daughter, "How on earth did you make tea?  The strainer has been lost for days.  Did you find it?"

Suzy replied, "No, I used the flyswatter!"

_____________________________________________

In 1776, the Battle of Long Island began during the Revolutionary War as British troops attacked American forces, who ended up being forced to retreat two days later.

In 1859, Edwin L. Drake drilled the first successful oil well in the United States, at Titusville, Pennsylvania.

In 1883, the island volcano Krakatoa erupted with a series of explosions; the tidal waves in Indonesia's Sunda Strait claimed some 36,000 lives in Java and Sumatra.  The resulting ashes affected climates around the world.

In 1967, Brian Epstein, manager of the Beatles, was found dead of an accidental drug overdose in his home in Sussex, England.

In 1982, Oakland Athletics outfielder Ricky Henderson stole his 119th base of the year breaking Hall-of-Famer Lou Brocks 1979 record.

_____________________________________________

Today-------Musician Daryl Dragon (The Captain and Tennille) is 71, Actress Tuesday Weld is 70, Actor G.W. Bailey is 69, Actress Barbara Bach is 66 and Actor Paul Reubens is 61.

_____________________________________________

August 27th is:  The Duchess Who Wasn't Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.....These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says "For Fast Relief."

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------funny.....

An out of work mime is having a hard time making ends meet.  One day, he goes to the zoo and begins doing his act.  The people love him and after a while the zoo director calls him into the office.  The director tells the mime that only yesterday the zoo's gorilla died and asks the mime he would put on a gorilla suit and act like a gorilla.  The mime accepts because the pay is good and he just has to act like a gorilla in the cage.

The people love watching him, but after a while, the crowds begin to thin and most go to the cage next door to watch the lion.  The mime can't afford to lose his job so he figures out how to climb above the cages over to the lion's cage.  He sits on a beam and taunts the lion.  The people love this new act and the zoo director calls the mime in and gives him a raise for his innovative thinking. 

The mime continues this act and more and more people come to the zoo and the mime gets more raises.

One day, however, while on his  perch above the lion, he slips and falls into the lion's cage.  Terrified, he sees the lion getting ready to pounce.  He runs and runs around the cage trying to get away from the lion.  Finally, the lion pounces on him and he begins screaming for help.  The lion says, "Shut up, you fool!  You want to get us both fired?"

_____________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, August 28, the 240th day of the year.  There are 125 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1607, English sea explorer Henry Hudson and his ship, the Half Moon, reached present-day Delaware Bay.

In 1862, the Second Battle of Bull Run (also known as Second Manassas) began in Prince William County, Virginia, during the Civil War.  The result was a Confederate victory.

In 1922, the first-ever radio commercial aired on station WEAF in New York City; the ten minute advertisement was for the Queensboro Realty Co., which had paid a fee of $100.

In 1945, the Allies began occupying Japan at the end of World War II.

In 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. gave his "I have a dream" speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to about 250,000 people attending the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom.

______________________________________________

Today-------Actor Ken Jenkins is 73, Former MLB player and manager Lou Piniella is 70, Actor David Soul is 70, Actress Alison Steadman is 67, Actress Debra Mooney is 66, Former MLB pitcher Ron Guidry is 63 and Poet Rita Dove is 61.

______________________________________________

August 28th is:  Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day, Radio Commercials Day and Crackers Over The Keyboard Day.

______________________________________________

Quip for the day......Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

______________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------ouch.......

Tom was buying his wife a present.  "How about some perfume?" he asked the sales clerk, who showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's too much," Tom said, waving it away.  The clerk brought out a smaller bottle costing $30.

Tom frowned.  "That's still a lot of money.  What else do you have?"  The clerk found a tiny bottle for $15.

Tom still fussed.  "I'd like to see something really cheap," he said.

The clerk said, "Ah, yes, I have just the thing."  She reached under the counter and handed him a.........

mirror.

____________________________________________

Today is Thursday, August 29, the 241st day of the year.  There are 124 days left in the year.

____________________________________________

In 1862, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing began operations at the United States Treasury.

In 1944, 15,000 American troops marched down the Champs Elysees in Paris as the French capital continued to celebrate its liberation from the Nazis.

In 2005, Hurricane Katrina made landfall near New Orleans, Louisiana, as a category 4 hurricane.

____________________________________________

Today-----Director Lord Richard Attenborough is 90, Actress Betty Lynn is 87, Movie director William Friedkin is 78, Actor Elliott Gould is 75, Movie director Joel Schumacher is 74, Former White House Press Secretary James Brady is 73, TV personality Robin Leach is 72, Actor Ray Wise is 66, Formula One race car driver James Hunt is 66, Actress Deborah Van Valkenburgh is 61 and Author Karen Hesse is 61.

____________________________________________

August 29th is:  According To Hoyle Day, Individual Rights Day, International Day Against Nuclear Tests, More Herbs Less Salt Day, National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day and XIV Paralympics Games 8/29-9/9.

____________________________________________

Quip for the day.....To err is human..........and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah............

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.  Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the
problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Both parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

____________________________________________

Today is Friday, August 30, the 242nd day of the year.  There are 123 days left in the year.

____________________________________________

In 1905, Ty Cobb made his major league debut as a player for the Detroit Tigers, hitting a double in his first-at-bat in a game against the New York Highlanders.  (The Tigers won, 5-3.)

In 1963, the U.S.-Soviet "hot line" went into operation.  It was supposed to help speed up communications and help prevent the possibility of accidental war.

In 1965, New York Mets manager Casey Stengel, 75, announced his retirement from professional baseball ending his 56 year career.

In 1983, Guion S. Bluford Jr. became the first black American astronaut to travel in space as he blasted off aboard the Challenger.

_____________________________________________

Today-------Actor Bill Daily is 86, Actress Elizabeth Ashley is 74, Actor Ben Jones is 72, Cartoonist Robert Crumb is 70, Olympic gold medal skier Jean-Claude Killy is 70, Actress Peggy Lipton is 66, Comedian Lewis Black is 65, Actor Timothy Bottoms is 62 and Former NBA player Robert Parish is 60.

_____________________________________________

August 30th is:  International Whale Shark Day, National College Colors Day, National Holistic Pet Day and National Toasted Marshmellows Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day........If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oh no........

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.

They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell.  He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

_____________________________________________

Today is Saturday, August 31, the 243rd day of the year.  There are 122 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1886, an earthquake with an estimated magnitude of 7.3 devastated Charleston, South Carolina, killing at least 60 people, according to the U.S. Geological Survey.

In 1897, Thomas Edison received a patent for his movie camera, the Kinetograph.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an act prohibiting the export of U.S. arms to belligerents.

In 1941, the radio program "The Great Gildersleeve," a spinoff from "Fibber McGee and Molly" starring Harold Peary, debuted on NBC.

In 1959, Brooklyn Dodger left-hander Sandy Koufax struck out 18 batters setting a record for the most strikeouts in a National League game.

_____________________________________________

Today-------Japanese monster movie actor Katsumi Tezuka is 101, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson is 78, Australian actor Jack Thompson is 73, Pro golfer Isao Aoki is 71, Violinist Itzhak Periman is 68, Singer Van Morrison is 68, NFL coach Tom Coughlin is 67, Screenwriter Lowell Ganz is 65 and Actor Richard Gere is 64.

_____________________________________________

August 31st is:  Franchise Appreciation Day and Love Litigating Lawyers Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day......My penmanship is nothing to write home about.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------Ole and Lena day......

Ole wakes up one morning and turns on the radio.  He hears that a snow emergency has been declared and residents should park their cars on the odd numbered side of the street.  He thinks, "Oh, Jeez," and parks his car on the odd numbered side of the street.

The next day, Ole turns on the radio and hears that a snow emergency has been declared and that residents should park their cars on the even numbered side of the street.  Again, he thinks, "Oh, Jeez," and parks his car on the even numbered side of the street.

The third day, Ole turns on the radio and hears that a snow emergency has been declared and that residents should park their cars on........and then the power went out.  Ole says to Lena, "Oh, no!  How am I going to know where to park the car?"

Lena says, "Oh, Ole, why don't you just leave it in the garage?"

_____________________________________________

Today is Sunday, September 1, the 244th day of the year.  There are 121 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1807, Former Vice President Aaron Burr was found not guilty of treason.  (He was then tried on a misdemeanor charge and again acquitted.

In 1894, the town of Hinckley, Minnesota, was destroyed by a forest fire.  A total of 440 people died in the area.

In 1932, New York City Mayor James J. "Gentleman Jimmy" Walker resigned under charges of graft and corruption in his administration.

In 1939, World War II began as Nazi Germany invaded Poland.

In 1998, the Intermodal Surface Transportation Efficiency Act of 1991 finally went into effect.  The law required that all cars and light trucks sold in the United States have air bags on both sides of the front seat.

_____________________________________________

Today-------Actor George Maharis is 85, Attorney and Law professor Alan Dershowitz is 75, Comedian-actress Lily Tomlin is 74, Soul singer Claudette Rogers Robinson is 71, Actor Don Stroud is 70, Singer Barry Gibb is 67, Actor James Rebhorn is 65 and Talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw is 63.

_____________________________________________

September 1st is:  Building and Code Staff Appreciation Day, Calendar Adjustment Day, Chicken Boy's Day, Emma M. Nutt Day, International Day of Awareness For the Dolphins of Taiji.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.........They say alcohol kills slowly.  So what?  Who's in a hurry?

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------smart kid......


Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said Little Johnny.

"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother.

The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

_____________________________________________

Today is Monday, September 2, the 245th day of the year.  There are 120 days left in the year.

_____________________________________________

In 1789, The United States Treasury Department was established.

In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Gen. William T. Sherman's forces occupied Atlanta.

In 1924, the Rudolf Friml operetta "Rose Marie" opened on Broadway.

In 1935, a Labor Day hurricane slammed into the Florida Keys.

In 1945, aboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, Japan formally surrendered to the Allies ending World War II.

In 1969, America's first automatic teller machine made it's public debut, dispensing cash to customers at the Chemical Bank in Rockville Center, New York.

_____________________________________________

Today-------Dancer-actress Marge Champion is 94, Sportscaster Milo Hamilton is 86, Jazz composer Horace Silver is 85, Celebrity lawyer Robert Shapiro is 71, Pro and college football Hall-of-Famer Terry Bradshaw is 65, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Nate Archibald is 65, Former MLB player Lamar Johnson is 63, Lawyer and TV personality Harvey Levin is 63, Actor Mark Harmon is 62 and Pro Tennis player Jimmy Connors is 61.

_____________________________________________

September 2nd is:  Bison-ten Yell Day, V-J Day and Labor Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.....My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave.  I've arranged to be buried at sea.

_____________________________________________

Larryj