another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------true.....

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

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Today is Wednesday, July17, the 197th day of the year.  There are 168 days left in the year.

In 1862, during the Civil War, Congress approve the Second Confiscation Act, which declared that all slaves taking refuge behind Union lines to be set free.

In 1955, Disneyland in Anaheim, California, had its opening day.

In 1975, an Apollo spacecraft docked with a Soyuz spacecraft in orbit in the first superpower linkup of its kind.

In 1981, 114 people were killed when a pair of suspended walkways above the lobby of the Kansas City Hyatt Regency Hotel collapsed during a tea dance.

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Today-------Jazz singer Jimmy Scott is 88, Actor Donald Sutherland is 78, Actress-singer Diahann Carroll is 78, Comedian Tim Brooke-Taylor is 73, Rock musician Spencer Davis is 71, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, is 66, Rock musician Terry "Geezer" Butler is 64, Actress Lucie Arnaz  is 62 and Actor David Hasselhoff is 61.

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July 17th is:  Wrong Way Corrigan Day and Yellow Pig Day.

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Quip for the day...........The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah.......

Entitled Trading Places......

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please, create a trade in our bodies."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his wife, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned up the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love – which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."

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Today is Thursday, July 18, the 198th day of the year.  There are 167 days left in the year.

In 1792, Revolutionary Naval hero John Paul Jones died in Paris at age 45.

In 1863, during the Civil War, Union troops spearheaded by the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry, a unit of black soldiers, charged Confederate-held Fort Wagner on Morris Island, S.C.  The Northerners suffered heavy losses and were repelled; the 54th's commander, Col. Robert Gould Shaw, was among those killed.

In 1932, the United States and Canada signed a treaty to develop the St. Lawrence Seaway.

In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was nominated to an unprecedented third term.

In 1969, Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., drove an Oldsmobile off a wooden bridge into a tide-swept pond.  Kennedy escaped, but passenger Mary Jo Kopechne did not.

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Today-----Former South African President Nelson Mandela is 95, Former Senator and astronaut John Glenn is 92, Skating champion and commentator Dick Button is 84, Director Paul Verhoeven is 75, Screenwriter Hampton Francker is 75, Actor James Brolin is 73, Baseball executive Joe Torre is 73, Singer Martha Reeves is 72 and Actress Margo Martindale is 62.

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July 18th is:  Get To Know Your Customers Day, International Mandela Day and National Caviar Day.

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Quip for the day.......When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.   When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------yep........

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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Today is Friday, July 19, the  199th day of the year.  There are 166 days left in the year.

In 1848, a major women's rights convention convened in Seneca Falls, New York.

In 1943, allied air forces raided Rome, the same day Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini met in Feltre in Northern Italy.

In 1961, TWA was the first airline to begin regularly showing in-flight movies.  First-class passengers saw "By Love Possessed" on a flight from New York to Los Angeles.

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Today-----Actress Helen Gallagher is 87, Singer Vicki Carr is 73, Country singer-musician Commander Cody is 69, Actor George Dzundza is 68, Tennis player Illie Nastase is 67, Rock musician Brian May (Queen) is 66, Guitarist Bernie Leadon (Eagles) is 66 and Actress Beverly Archer is 65.

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July 19th is:  Flitch Day.

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Quip for the day.......I love it when you walk through a spider web.  You all of a sudden learn Kung Fu!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah......

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

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Today is Saturday, July 20, the 200th day of the year.  There are 165 days left in the year.

In 1861, the Congress of the Confederate States convened in Richmond, Virginia.

In 1917, the World War I draft lottery began operation.

In 1969, astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon after reaching the surface in the Apollo 11 lunar module.

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Today------Actress-singer Sally Ann Howes is 83, Author Cormac McCarthy is 80, Rockabilly singer Sleepy LaBeef if 78, Actress Diana Rigg is 75, Former Baseball All-Star Tony Oliva is 75, Artist Judy Chicago is 74, Country singer-songwriter Kim Carnes is 68, Musician-guitarist Carlos Santana is 66 and Actor Muse Watson is 65.

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July 20th is:  Celebration Of The Horse Day, Moon Day, Space Exploration Day, National Lollipop Day and National Hot Dog Day.

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Quip for the day.......If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------old groaner.......

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.  After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"  The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know you left your Injun running..."

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Today is Sunday, July 21, the 201st day of the year.  There are 164 days left in the year.

In 1861, in the Civil War, the first Battle of Bull Run at Manassas, Virginia, ended in a Confederate victory.

In 1862, the eighth president of the United States, Martin Van Buren, lapsed into a coma.  He died three days later.

In 1925, the so-called Monkey Trial ended in Dayton, Tennessee, with John T. Scopes found guilty of violating state law for teaching Darwin's Theory of Evolution.  The conviction was later overturned on a technicality.

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Today--------Singer Kay Starr is 91, Movie director Norman Jewison is 87, Actor Edward Hermann is 70, Poet Tess Gallagher is 70, Actor Art Hindle  is 65, Singer Yusef Islam (formerly Cat Stevens) is 65, Cartoonist Garry Trudeau is 65, Actor Jordan Clarke is 63, Actor Robin Williams is 62 and Children's entertainer Jeff Fatt is 60.

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July 21st is:  National Ice Cream Day and Legal Drinking Age Day.

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Quip for the day......Old age is when you turn off the lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---sounds about right.....

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve:

10. Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. One day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.

6. Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. If the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

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Today is Monday, July 22, the 202nd day of the year.  There are 163 days left in the year.

In 1933, aviator Wiley Post completed his solo trip around the world.  His time:  7 days, 18 hours and 49 minutes.

In 1934, bank robber John Dillinger was shot to death by federal agents outside Chicago's Biograph Theater, where he had just seen the Clark Gable movie "Manhattan Melodrama."

In 1943, American forces led by Gen. George S. Patton captured Palermo, Sicily, during World War II.

In 1963, Sonny Liston knocked out Floyd Patterson in the first round of their rematch in Las Vegas to retain the world heavyweight title.

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Today------Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, R-Kan., is 90, Actress Louise Fletcher is 79, Game show host Alex Trebek is 73, Singer George Clinton is 72, Singer Bobby Sherman is 70, Actor Danny Glover is 67, Actor-comedian-director Albert Brooks is 66, Rock musician Don Henley is 66 and Composer Alan Menken is 64.

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July 22nd is:  Casual Pi Day, National Penuche Fudge Day, Rat-catchers Day and Spooner's Day.

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Quip for the day.......Only two things are necessary to keep your wife happy.  One is to let her think she is having her own way and the other is to let her have it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------late day.....

MAN VS. WOMAN

NICKNAME:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, although it is only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she does not want.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women are not looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does not.
A man marries a woman expecting that she will not change and she does.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There is no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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Today is Tuesday, July 23, the 203rd day of the year.  There are 162 days left in the year.

In 1885, Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died in Mount McGregor, New York, at age 63.

In 1888, author Raymond Chandler was born in Chicago.

In 1967, a week of deadly race-related rioting that claimed 43 lives erupted in Detroit.

In 1982, actor Vic Morrow and two child actors were killed in an accident involving a helicopter during filming of "Twilight Zone: The Movie";  Morrow was 53.

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Today-----Actress Gloria DeHaven is 88, Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy is 77, Actor Ronny Cox is 75, Radio personality Don Imus is 73, Rock singer David Essex is 66, Singer-songwriter John Hall is 65 and Actress Edie McClurg is 62.

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July 23rd is:  Gorgeous Grandma Day and Hot Enough For You Day.

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Quip for the day........Plain milk is a good source of calcium.  Ice Cream should not be your only source.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oldie.....(see below)

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

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Today is Wednesday, July 24, the 204th day of the year.  There are 161 days left in the year.

In 1862, Martin Van Buren, eighth U.S. president and first to have been born a U.S. citizen, died at 79 in Kinderhook, New York.

In 1911, Yale University history professor Hiram Bingham III found the "Lost City of the Incas," Machu Picchu, in Peru.

In 1952, President Harry S. Truman announced a settlement of the 53-day steel strike.

In 1959, during a visit to Moscow, Vice President Richard M. Nixon engaged in his "Kitchen Debate" with Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev.

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Today-------Actor John Aniston ("Days Of Our Lives") is 80, Comedian Ruth Buzzi is 77, Hall-of-Fame NBA player Walt Bellamy is 74, Actor Chris Sarandon is 71, Comedian Gallagher is 67, Actor Michael Richards is 64, Actress Lynda Carter is 62 and Movie director Gus Van Sant is 61.

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July 24th is:  Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Pioneer Day, Cousins Day, National Drive-thru Day, National Tequila Day and Tell An Old Joke Day.

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Quip for the day.........Always take life with a grain of salt......and a slice of lemon......and a shot of tequila.  (See above.)

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah......

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

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Today is Thursday, July 25, the 205th day of the year.  There are 160 days left in the year.

In 1861, the U.S. Congress passed the Crittendon-Johnson Resolution declaring that the war was being waged for the reunion of the states and not to interfere with the institutions of the South, namely slavery.

In 1866, Ulysses S. Grant was named General of the Army of the United States, the first officer to hold that rank.

In 1898, the United States invaded Puerto Rico during the Spanish-American War.

In 1952, Puerto Rico became a self-governing commonwealth of the United States.

In 1956, the Italian liner Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm off the New England coast and began sinking; 51 people died.

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Today-------Actress Barbara Harris is 78, Former college football coach John Robinson is 78, NBA Hall-of-Famer Nate Thurmond is 72, Guitarist Manny Charton (Nazareth) is 72 and Rock musician Verdine White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 62.

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July 25th is:  Carousel Day or Merry-Go-Round Day, National Chili Hot Dog Day and Thread The Needle Day.

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Quip for the day.........Middle age is the time in life when, after pulling in your stomach, you look as if you ought to pull in your stomach.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------big time groaner......

The State of Florida had a problem. The drug busts over the years had filled their storage areas with Marijuana. It was decided  the only option was to burn all of the Marijuana on hand. One eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana was torched. The fire raged and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud.

At this time a flock of Tern's flew through this cloud.

A group of forest rangers (aka their environmental watch dogs) were sent out to assure the well-being of the Terns. They followed this flock until they finally landed. The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe and issue a report that read:

Not a Tern was left unstoned.............

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Today is Friday, July 26, the 206th day of the year.  There are 159 days left in the year.

In 1775, the Continental Congress established the Postal System and Benjamin Franklin became the first post-master general.

In 1788, New York became the 11th state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.

In 1797, future president John Quincy Adams married Louisa Johnson in London, England.  Louisa was - and remains - the only foreign born first lady of the United States.

In 1908, Attorney General Charles J. Bonaparte ordered creation of a force of special agents that was a forerunner of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

In 1931, a swarm of grasshoppers descended on crops in the American heartland devastating millions of acres.

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Today----Actress Marjorie Lord is 95, Actor James Best is 87, NFL Hall-of-Famer Tommy McDonald is 79, NFL Hall-of-Famer Bob Lilly is 74, Rock musician Mick Jagger (The Rolling Stones) is 70, Actress Helen Mirren is 68, Rock musician Roger Meddows (Queen) is 64 and Actress Susan George is 63.

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July 26th is:  One Voice, Lumberjack Day, National Talk In An Elevator Day and System Administrator Appreciation Day.

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Quip for the day.......Life is just a phase you are going through.  You'll get over it.

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Larryj