another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah........

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

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Today is Saturday, July 6, the 186th day of the year.  There are 179 days left in the year.

In 1777, in the American Revolution, British forces captured Fort Ticonderoga.

In 1885, French scientist Louis Pasteur tested an anti-rabies vaccine on Joseph Meister, 9, who had been bitten by an infected dog; the boy did not develop rabies.

In 1933, the first All-Star baseball game was played at Chicago's Comiskey Park;   the American League defeated the National League, 4-2.

In 1971, Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong died in New York City at age 69.

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Today---------Former First Lady Nancy Reagan is 92, Actor William Schallert is 91, Singer-actress Della Reese is 82, Actor Ned Beatty is 76, Actor Burt Ward is 68, Former President George W. Bush is 67, Actor-director Sylvester Stallone is 67, Actor Fred Dryer is 67, Actress Shelley Hack is 66, Actor Geoffrey Rush is 62 and Folk singer Nanci Griffith is 60.

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July 6th is:  Hop A Park Day, International Chicken Wing Society Cook-Off Day, International Cherry Pit Spitting Day, International Kissing Day, International Day Of Cooperatives and Take Your Webmaster To Lunch Day.

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Quip for the day........I chose the path less traveled by, but only because I was lost.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Sorry I missed yesterday.  Busy day, see observations.

Todays-------oops......

Two guys were walking down a dirt road when they come upon a hole. They look in it and one said "Can you see the bottom?" The other replies "Nope." So they start tossing rocks in it to hear how long it takes to hit the bottom. One turns to the other and says "We need something bigger." They find a cinderblock next to the road and drag it to the hole and chuck it in.

Suddenly there's a commotion behind them and they turn to see a Billy goat charging them. They jump out of the way just in time. The goat misses them and falls into the hole. "Did you see that crazy goat" one says. "Yeah, it tried to kill us." They see an old farmer on a tractor in the field and they run over and ask him if he owned a Billy goat.

"Yes, boys, I sure do," he said.

"Well, we're gonna sue you because that crazy goat of yours tried to kill us!"

"Yeah. It came charging at us and tried to knock us in a hole!"

The old farmer frowned and said, "He charged at you? Don't sound like my goat, 'cause my goat's real old and full of arthritis. Besides I keep him tied to a cinderblock."

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Today is Monday, July 8, the 188th day of the year.  There are 177 days left in the year.

In 1663, King Charles II of England granted a Royal Charter to Rhode Island.

In 1776, Col. John Nixon gave the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence outside the State House (now Independence Hall) in Philadelphia.

In 1889, the Wall Street Journal was first published.

In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson received a tumultuous welcome in New York City after his return from the Versailles Peace Conference in France.

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Today-------Singer Jerry Vale is 83, Singer Steve Lawrence is 78, Actor Jeffrey Tambor is 69, Ballerina Cynthia Gregory is 67, Actress Kim Darby is 66, Children's performer Raffi is 65, Chef Wolfgang Puck is 64, Former MLB player Alan Ashby is 62, Actress Angelica Huston is 62, Writer Anna Quindlen is 61 and Former NFL linebacker Jack Lambert is 61.

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July 8th is:  SCUD Day (Save the Comic, Unplug the Drama), International Town Criers Day and Math 2.0 Day.

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Quip for the day........Temperature differences between the East Coast and the West Coast........At 60 degrees F, Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably, people in New England sunbathe.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------think about it.......

A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.

One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked.

She said "I can't believe you did this for me."

Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it. I love you and I'd do anything for you."

"But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.

With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me. You wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."

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Today is July 9, the 189th day of the year.  There are 176 days left in the year.

In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was read aloud to Gen. George Washington's troops in New York.

In 1850, the 12th president of the United States, Zachary Taylor, died after serving only 16 months of his term.

In 1962, pop artist Andy Warhol's exhibit of 32 paintings of Campbell's soup cans opened at the Ferus Gallery in Los Angeles.

In 1974, former U.S. Chief Justice Earl Warren died at age 83.

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Today-----Actor-singer Ed Ames is 86, Former NHL Defenseman Red Kelly is 86, Former Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld is 81, Actor Richard Wilson is 77, Actor Brian Dennehy is 75, Actor Richard Roundtree is 71, Author Dean Koontz is 68, Football Hall-of-Famer O.J. Simpson is 66, Actor Chris Cooper is 62 and TV personality John Tesh is 61

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July 9th is:  Ramadan.

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Quip for the day......Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------old, but a favorite......

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands
in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls
into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.  As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

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Today is July 10, the 190th day of the year.  There are 175 days left in the year.

In 1890, Wyoming became the 44th state.

In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson personally delivered the Treat of Versailles to the Senate, and urged its ratification.  (The Senate rejected it.)

In 1925, jury selection took place in Dayton, Tennessee, in the trial of John T. Scopes, charged with violating the law by teaching Darwin's Theory of Evolution.  (Scopes was convicted and fined, but the verdict was overturned on a technicality.)

In 1940, the Battle of Britain began.  It lasted 3 1/2 months.

In 1941, Jazz musician Jelly Roll Morton died in Los Angeles.

In 1978, ABC-TV launched its reformatted evening newscast, "World News Tonight," with anchors Frank Reynolds, Peter Jennings and Max Robinson.

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Today----Former boxer Jake LaMotta is 92, Writer-producer Earl Hamner Jr. is 90, Former New York City Mayor David N. Dinkins is 86, Broadway composer Jerry Herman is 82, Director Ivan Passer is 80, Actor Lawrence Pressman is 74, Actor Mills Watson is 73, Actor Robert Pine is 72, Actor Ron Glass is 68, Tennis Champion Virginia Wade is 68, Singer Arlo Guthrie is 66, Actress Phyllis Smith is 62 and Actress Mindy Sterling is 60.

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July 10th is:  Clerihew Day, Don't Step On A Bee Day, Hot Dog Night, Pina Colada Day and Teddy Bears' Picnic Day.

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Quip for the day....from Mae West...."I once was so poor I didn't know where my next husband was coming from."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------one of my faves.......

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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Today is Thursday, July 11, the 191th day of the year.  There are 174 days in the year.

In 1767, John Quincy Adams, the sixth president of the United States, was born in Braintree, Massachusetts.

In 1798, the U.S. Marine Corps was formally re-established by a Congressional act that also created the U.S. Marine Band.

In 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton during a pistol duel in Weehawken, New Jersey.

In 1899, author E.B. White who wrote "Charlotte's Web," was born in Mount Vernon, New York.

In 1914, George Herman "Babe" Ruth began his major league baseball career.

In 1960, the novelty song "Alley Oop" topped the Billboard Charts.  It was a one-hit wonder by the Hollywood Argyles.

In 1979, America's first space station, Skylab, launched in 1973, came crashing down in Australia and the South Pacific.

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Today-------Actor Tab Hunter is 82, Italian fashion designer Giorgio Armani is 79, Actress Susan Seaforth Hayes is 70, Ventriloquist Jay Johnson is 64, Actor Bruce McGill is 63, Singer Bonnie Pointer is 63, Actor Stephen Lang is 61 and Boxer Leon Spinks is 60.

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July 11th is:  Bowdlers Day, Cheer Up The Lonely Day, Day Of The Five Billion, National Rainier Cherries Day, Slurpee Day and World Population Day.

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Quip for the day.......To vacillate or not to vacillate -- that is the question -- or is it?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------eewwww.....

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

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Today is Friday, July 12, the 192nd day of the year.  There are 173 days left in the year.

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill authorizing the Medal of Honor.

In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower became the first president to ride in a helicopter. 

In 1967, six days of race-related rioting erupted in Newark, New Jersey.  The violence claimed 26 lives.

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Today----Movie director Monte Hellman is 84, Comedian Bill Cosby is 76, Rock musician singer Christine McVie (Fleetwood Mac) is 70, Former NBA player Paul Silas is 70, Actress Denise Nicholas is 69, Singer-songwriter Butch Hancock is 68, Guitarist Wilko Johnson is 66, Fitness Guru Richard Simmons is 65, TV Actress Cheryl Ladd is 62 and Film producer Brian Grazer is 62.

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July 12th is:  Chick-fil-A's Cow Appreciation Day, Collector Car Appreciation Day and Simplicity Day.

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Quip for the day........If you don't succeed at first, try playing second base.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------late day....

HANDICAP GOLF.

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

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Today is Saturday, July 13, the 193rd day of the year.  There are 172 days left in the year.

In 1787, the Congress of the Confederation adopted the Northwest Ordinance, which established a government in the Northwest Territory, an area corresponding to the present-day Midwest and Upper Midwest.

In 1863, deadly rioting against the Civil War military draft erupted in New York City.  (The insurrection was put down three days later.)

In 1923, a sign consisting of 50-foot-tall letters spelling out "HOLLYWOODLAND" was dedicated in the Hollywood Hills to promote a subdivision.  (The last four letters were removed in 1949.)

In 1951, rivers across Eastern Kansas crested well above flood stage.  500,000 people were left homeless and 24 people died.

In 1960, Senator John F. Kennedy, D-Mass, was nominated for the presidency by the Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles.

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Today---------Actor Patrick Stewart is 73, Actor Robert Forster is 72, Actor Harrison Ford is 71, Guitarist Roger McQuinn (The Byrds) is 71, Actor-comedian Cheech Marin is 67, Actress Daphne Maxwell is 65 and Actress Didi Conn is 62.

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July 13th is:  Bald Is In Day, Carver Day, Embrace Your Geekness Day, Gruntled Workers Day, Wayne Chicken Day, National French Fries Day and Grange Day.

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Quip for the day.........The more you know, the less you need to know.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------Blonde joke day.......

Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.  "How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.".

"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity.  If you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

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Today is Sunday, July 14, the 194th day of the year.  There are 171 days left in the year.

In 1853, Commodore Matthew Perry relayed to Japanese officials a letter from President Millard Fillmore requesting trade relations.

In 1881, outlaw Billy the Kid was shot to death by Sheriff Pat Garrett at the Maxwell Ranch in New Mexico.

In 1911, Harry N. Atwood became the first pilot to land an airplane on the grounds of the White House; he was greeted by President William Howard Taft.

In 1913, Gerald R. Ford, former president of the United States, was born in Omaha, Nebraska.

In 1980, the Republican National Convention opened in Detroit, where Ronald Reagan told supporters they were determined to "make America great again."

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Today--------Actor Harry Dean Stanton is 87, Actress Nancy Olson is 85, Actress Polly Bergen is 83, Former Pro football player Rosie Grier is 81, First African-American Pro golfer to play in the Master's Tournament Lee Elder is 79, Actor Sid Haig is 74, Composer Harold Wheeler is 70, Actor Vincent Pastore is 67 and Former CEO of Sony Music Tony Mottola is 64.

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July 14th is:  International Nude Day.

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Quip for the day........Don't let people drive you crazy when it's within walking distance.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------a lesson learned......

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

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Today is Monday, July 15, the 195th day of the year.  There are 170 days left in the year.

In 1903, the Ford Motor Company took its first order.  A Chicago dentist, Dr. Ernst Pfenning ordered a two-cylinder Model A:
cost $850.

In 1916, the Boeing Company, originally known as Pacific Aero Products Co., was founded in Seattle.

In 1964, Sen. Barry Goldwater, R-Ariz., was nominated by the Republican Party to run for president.

In 1976, a 36-hour ordeal began for 26 schoolchildren and their bus driver as they were abducted near Chowchilla, CA., by three gunmen and imprisoned in an underground cell.  (The captives escaped unharmed.)

In 1992, Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton was nominated for president.

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Today--------Author Clive Cussler is 82, Actor Patrick Wayne is 74, Actor Jan-Michael Vincent is 69, Singer Linda Ronstadt is 67, Rock music Hall-of-Fame drummer Artimus Pyle (Lynrd Skynrd) is 65, Professional wrestler Jesse Ventura is 62 and Actor Terry O'Quinn is 61.

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July 15th is:  Be A Dork Day, Global Hug Your Kid Day, Gummi Worm Day and National Get Out Of The Doghouse Day.

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Quip for the day..........God answers all of our prayers.  He says yes or no or "Are you kidding me?"

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------good one.......

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem.  You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," spoke the Rabbi.  "My people wandered in the desert for forty years.  I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."  With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door.  The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn.  "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn.  There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him.  But a few minutes late the same scene occurs.  There is a knock on the door.  "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred.  I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change.  He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.  Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door.  Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

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Today is Tuesday, July 16, the 196th day of the year.  There are 169 days left in the year.

In 1790, Congress declared Washington, D.C., as the nation's capital.

In 1935, the world's first parking meter, known as the Park-O-Meter No. 1, was installed on the Southeast corner of what was then First Street and Robinson Avenue in Oklahoma City.

In 1945, the United States exploded its first experimental atomic bomb in the desert near Alamogordo, New Mexico.

In 1951, the novel "The Catcher In The Rye" by J.D. Salinger was first published by Little, Brown and Co.

In 1969, Apollo 11 blasted off from Cape Kennedy on the first manned mission to the surface of the moon.

In 1999, John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife, Carolyn, and her sister, Lauren Bessette, died when their single engine plane, piloted by Kennedy, plunged into the ocean near Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts.

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Today-------Panelist Bess Myerson is 89, Soul singer Denise LaSalle is 79, Soul singer William Bell is 74, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Margaret Court is 71, NFL and Hall-of-Fame College Football coach Jimmy Johnson is 70, Actress-model Ann Turkel is 67, Actor-singer Ruben Blades is 65 and Rock musician Stewart Copeland (The Police) is 61.

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July 16th is:  National Woodie Wagon Day and Toss Away The "Could Haves" and "Should Haves" Day.

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Quip for the day.........Happiness isn't good enough for me.  I demand euphoria.

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Larryj