another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah......

The cop had just finished writing a parking ticket and is slipping under the windshield wiper when a distraught man approaches and says, "Hey, officer, I just got fired from my job.  How about giving me a break?"

The officer says, "Sorry, pal, no breaks."

The man says, "You're a jerk."

The cop starts writing in his ticket book again.  "OK, just for that, you're getting a ticket for worn tires, too," he says.

The man says, "Yeah, well, you're a dope."

The cop says, "Ok, that's another ticket for a broken tail light."

The man says, "What an idiot."

This goes on for 20 minutes.  By the time the cop leaves, there are a half dozen tickets on the windshield.

A bystander approaches and says to the man, "Wow, I saw the whole thing.  I'm sorry you lost your job, but now you have all these tickets, too.  You really were hard on that cop."

The man says, "Oh, those aren't my tickets.  This is my boss's car."

__________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, June 26, the 177th day of the year.  There are 188 days left in the year.

In 1925, Charlie Chaplin's classic comedy "The Gold Rush" premiered at Grauman's Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood.

In 1936, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was nominated for a second term of office by delegates to the Democratic national convention in Philadelphia.

In 1973, former White House counsel John W. Dean told the Senate Watergate Committee about an "enemies list" kept by the Nixon White House.

_______________________________________________

Today-----Actress Eleanor Parker is 91, Jazz musician-film composer Dave Grusin is 79, Actor Josef Sommer is 79, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Hal Greer is 77, Singer Billy Davis Jr. is 73, Actor Robert Davi is 62 (although some websites state he is 60) and Actress Pamela Bellwood is 62.

______________________________________________

June 26th is:  International Day Against Drug Abuse And Illicit Trafficking, National Canoe Day and International Day In Support Of Victims Of Torture.

______________________________________________

Quip for the day.......Someday my boat will come in and with my luck I'll be at the airport.

______________________________________________


Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah......

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

______________________________________________

Today is Thursday, June 27, the 178th day of the year.  There are 187 days left in the year.

In 1844, Mormon leader Joseph Smith and his brother, Hyrum, were killed by a mob in Carthage, Illinois.

In 1846, New York and Boston were linked by telegraph wires.

In 1893, the New York Stock Market crashed.

In 1942, the FBI announced the arrests of Nazi saboteurs put ashore in Florida and Long Island, New York.  (All were tried and sentenced to death.)

In 1950, President Harry S. Truman announced that he was sending U.S. Air and Naval forces to South Korea in support of that country from invading North Koreans.

In 1985, after 59 years the iconic Route 66 was decertified.

________________________________________

Today---------Businessman Ross Perot is 83, Actress Kathryn Beaumont is 75, Singer-musician Bruce Johnston (Beach Boys) is 71, Former MLB player Rico Petrocelli is 70, Fashion designer Norma Kamali is 68, Fashion designer Vera Wang is 64, Actor James Daughton is 63, Actress Joanna McCallum is 63 and Actress Julia Duffy is 62.

________________________________________

June 27th is:  Decide To Be Married Day, "Happy Birthday To You" Day, Industrial Workers Of The World Day, National HIV Testing Day, National Bomb Pop Day and National Hand Shake Day.

________________________________________

Quip for the day......The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't cheat....
..............................doesn't exist.

________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------Guilty......

Scene: A courtroom in Oklahoma where a man is on trial for murder and his lawyer, knowing that the evidence against his client was strong, decided to try to trick the jury.  Knowing his client is probably guilty and faces a long time in prison, he stands for his closing argument and says, "When you make your verdict, it must be done 'beyond a reasonable doubt.'  The person my client is charged with killing will walk through the courtroom doors in 1 minute."  He looks at his watch and turns to look at the door and so do all the members of the jury.  Of course, nobody comes through the door.  The lawyer says, "Actually, I made that up.  But you all looked indicating there was a reasonable doubt."

The jury retires to deliberate the case and comes back in just a few minutes.  The verdict is guilty.  Afterwards, the lawyer is talking to the jury spokesperson and asks, "How could you reach a guilty verdict when you all looked at the door waiting for the victim to walk in?  Didn't that give you a reasonable doubt?"

The jury spokesperson said, "Yes, we all did look at the door.  Everyone in the courtroom looked at the door.........except your client!"

_________________________________________

Today is Friday, the 179th day of the year.  There are 186 days left in the year.

In 1778, the Battle of Monmouth took place in New Jersey.  From the battle, the legend of "Molly Pitcher" arose.

In 1836, the fourth president of the United States, James Madison, died in Virginia.

In 1914, Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria and his wife, Sophia, were assassinated in Sarajevo by Serb nationalist Gavrilo Princip, sparking World War I.

In 1919, the Treat of Versailles was signed in France, ending World War I.

In 1939, Pan American Airways began regular trans-Atlantic air service with a flight that departed New York for Marseilles, France.

In 1953, workers at a Chevrolet plant in Flint, Michigan, assembled the first Corvette.  (300 were made that year.)

_________________________________________________________

Today--------------Comedian-movie director Mel Brooks is 87, Comedian-impressionist John Byner is 76, Actress Madeline Duggan is 69, Rock musician Dave Knights (Procul Harem) is 68, Actor Bruce Davison is 67, Actress Kathy Bates is 65 and Former MLB MVP Don Baylor is 64.

____________________________________________________

June 28th is:  Insurance Awareness Day, Lend Me An Ear Day, Molly Pitcher Day, World War I Commemoration Day and Versailles Treaty Day.

____________________________________________________

Quip for the day.......My favorite fiction writer is my accountant.

____________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah.......

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

_____________________________________________

Today is Saturday, June 29, the 180th day of the year.  There are 185 days left in the year.

In 1767, Britain approved the Townshend Revenue Act, imposing import duties on glass, paint, oil, lead, paper and tea shipped to the American colonies.  (Colonists bitterly protested, prompting Parliament to repeal the duties, except for tea.)

In 1927, the first trans-Pacific airplane flight concluded.  Lt. Lester J. Maitland and Lt. Albert F. Hegenberger arrived at Wheeler Field in Hawaii aboard the Bird of Paradise, an Atlantic-Fokker C-2, after flying 2,400 miles from Oakland in 25 hours, 50 minutes.

In 1967, Actress Jayne Mansfield was killed in an auto accident east of New Orleans, Louisiana.

In 2003, Actress Katharine Hepburn died of natural causes at her home in Old Saybrook, Connecticut; she was 96.

____________________________________________

Today-----Actress Cara Williams is 88, Movie producer Robert Evans is 83, Actor Gary Busey is 69, Comedian Richard Lewis is 66, Rock musician Ian Paice (Deep Purple) is 65, Actor Fred Grandy is 65, Singer-songwriter Patti Scialfa (E-Street Band) is 60 and Singer-musician Colin James Hay (Men at Work) is 60.

_____________________________________________

June 29th is:  Camera Day, Remote Control Day, Spare Us The Details Day and Waffle Iron Day.

_____________________________________________

Quip for the day.......Someday you will find yourself........and wish you hadn't.

_____________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

NOTICE:  BECAUSE OF THE IMPENDING SURGERY ON MY WIFE TOMORROW, THERE WILL BE NO ENTRY FOR JULY 1.  THE SURGERY TAKES PLACE SEVERAL MILES AWAY AND EARLY IN THE MORNING, SO WE HAVE OPTED TO GO TO A MOTEL NEARBY THE HOSPITAL AND SPEND THE NIGHT.  I WILL RESUME ON TUESDAY, HOPEFULLY.

Today's--------Be careful what you wish for...........

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.

____________________________________________

Today is Sunday, June 30, the 181st day of the year.  There are 184 days left in the year.

In 1850, Jean-Francois Gravelet, AKA Emile Blondin, crossed Niagara Falls on a tightrope.

In 1936, Margaret Mitchell's novel, "Gone With The Wind," was first published.

In 1962, Brooklyn Dodger pitcher, Sandy Koufax, pitched his first no-hitter.

________________________________________________

Today-------Author-columnist Thomas Sowell is 83, Former Olympian Billy Mills is 75, Ocean explorer Robert Ballard is 71 and Actor Leonard Whiting is 63.

________________________________________________

June 30th is:  Log Cabin Day and NOW (National Organization For Women) Day.

________________________________________________

Quip for the day..........A spilled drink flows in the direction of the most expensive object.

________________________________________________

Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

We'll be thinking fondly of you both. Prayers for quick healing.

[larryJ]

Surgery went well.......see Observations thread.

Today's-------hah......

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

_________________________________________________

Today is Tuesday, July 2, the 182nd day of the year.  There are 183 days left in the year.

In 1776, the Second Continental Congress adopted Richard Henry Lee's resolution for independence from Britain.

In 1881, four months into his administration, President James A. Garfield was shot in Washington, D.C. (He died 80 days later from blood poisoning.)

In 1937, the Lockheed aircraft carrying Amelia Earhart and Frederick Noonan was reported lost over the Pacific Ocean.

In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act.

In 1992, Chevrolet built it's 1 millionth Corvette with a red interior and black roof, the same colors of the initial 1953 model.

_______________________________________________

Today---------Pianist-composer Ahmad Jamal is 83, NASCAR driver Richard Petty is 76, Producer-writer Larry David is 66 and Folk musician Greg Brown is 64.

_______________________________________________

July 2nd is:  I Forgot Day, Made In The USA Day and World UFO Day.

_______________________________________________

Quip for the day........Tickle a rich girl by saying, "Gucci, Gucci, Gucci!"

_______________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------funny......

Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. They went out for a walk and saw a magic golden frog. The rabbit and bear said, "Goodie, three wishes!" The frog then said, "No, six wishes since there are two of you." They got even more excited.
The bear went first. "I wish that all the bears in this forest are females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

Then it was the rabbit's turn. "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.

The bear hesitated, then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit already knew what he wanted, "I wish for a motorcycle!" POOF! His wish was granted.

The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way! And, may I add, choose carefully your last wish!!"

The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. With a smirk on his face he said, "I wish the bear were gay."

_______________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, July 3, the 183rd day of the year.  There are 182 days left in the year.

In 1775, Gen. George Washington took command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, Massachusetts.

In 1863, the three-day Civil War Battle of Gettysburg in Pennsylvania ended in a major victory for the North as Confederate troops failed to breach Union positions during an assault known as Pickett's Charge.

In 1890, Idaho became the 43rd state of the Union.

In 1898, the U.S. Navy defeated a Spanish fleet outside Santiago Bay in Cuba during the Spanish-American War.

In 2012, TV legendary actor Andy Griffin died at his North Carolina home at age 86.

______________________________________

Today--------Actor Tim O'Connor is 86, Jazz musician Pete Fountain is 83, Writer-producer Jay Tarses is 74, Attorney Gloria Allred is 72, Actor Kurtwood Smith is 70, Actress Lynn Cohen is 69, Country singer Johnny Lee is 67, Actress Betty Buckley is 66 and Actress Jan Smithers is 64.

______________________________________

July 3rd is:  Complement Your Mirror Day and Stay Out Of The Sun Day.

______________________________________

Quip for the day........One night a jet flew really close to my house.  I was walking to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

______________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------Happy Fourth of July.....

The teacher called in sick at the last minute, so the school principal, Mr. Skinner, stepped in to substitute.  Noticing an American map on the classroom wall, he decided to start the day's lessons with a little quiz.

"Good morning, class," he said.  "How many of you can name all 50 states without looking at that map on the wall?"

A few students raised their hands, tentatively, and one by one they took a shot at it.  But no one could name more than about 20.

"Tut-tut!" the principal said, adopting a superior tone.  "I want you to know that when I was your age, I could name every one of the states!"

The class clown raised his hand and said, "Sure, Mr. Skinner, but when you were our age, there were only 13 of them!"

_________________________________________________

Today is Thursday, July 4, the 184th day of the year.  There are 181 days left in the year.

In 1776, the Declaration of Independence was adopted by Second Continental Congress delegates in Philadelphia.

In 1802, the United States Military Academy opened at West Point, New York.

In 1826, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams both died on this day.

In 1872, Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president, was born in Plymouth, Vermont.

In 1912, the 48-star American flag, recognizing New Mexico statehood, was adopted.

In 1939, Lou Gehrig of the New York Yankees delivered his famous farewell speech in which he called himself "the luckiest man on the face of the Earth."

___________________________________________

Today--------Actress Eva Marie Saint is 89, Actress Gina Lollobrigida is 86, Playwright Neil Simon is 86, Singer Bill Withers is 75, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Floyd Little is 71, Bluegrass singer-songwriter Peter Rowan is 71, Former Pro Football player Emerson Boozer is 70 and Broadcast Journalist  Geraldo Rivera is 70.

___________________________________________

July 4th is:  Boom Box Parade Day, Independence Day, Independence From Meat Day and Indivisible Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.........Benjamin Franklin quote.......Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----busy day------I love this one and have probably posted it before, but, oh well..........

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.  When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.

____________________________________________

Today is Friday, July 5, the 185th day of the year.  There are 180 days left in the year.

In 1865, William Booth founded the Salvation Army in London.

In 1921, the trial began in the "Black Sox Scandal" of the Chicago White Sox players accused of throwing the 1919 World Series.

In 1946, the bikini, created by Louis Reard, was modeled by Micheline Bernardini during a poolside fashion show in Paris.

In 1954, Elvis Presley's first commercial recording session was at Sun Records in Memphis, Tennessee; the song he recorded was "That's All Right (Mama)."

In 1975, Arthur Ashe became the first black tennis player to win the Wimbledon Championship.

_________________________________________

Today------Actress Katherine Helmond is 85, Actress Shirley Knight is 77, Musician Robbie Robertson is 70, Julie Nixon Eisenhower is 65, Rock star Huey Lewis is 63 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Rich "Goose" Gossage is 62.

_________________________________________

July 5th is:  Bikini Day, Earth At Aphelion, International Chicken Wing Day and Roswell UFO Days (5-7).

_________________________________________

Quip for the day........You know you are old when a dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

_________________________________________

Larryj