another slice of wry

[Diane Amberg]

I remember that joke, except when my father told it many years ago it was wheelbarrows. Always funny!

[larryJ]

Today's-------redneck joke day......

A redneck walks into a hardware store and says he needs to cut down some trees.

The salesman recommends the top of the line chainsaw.  "You can cut down six trees in an hour with this beauty," the salesman says.

Impressed, the redneck buys it and takes it home.

He returns the next day, complaining that it would only cut down one tree and it all day.

The bewildered salesman takes the chainsaw and fires it up, to see what's wrong with it.

The redneck says, "What's that noise?"

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Today is Monday, June 17, 168th day of the year.  There are 197 days left in the year.

In 1775, the Revolutionary War Battle of Bunker Hill resulted in a costly victory for the British, who suffered heavy losses.

In 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York Harbor aboard the French ship Isere.

In 1928, Amelia Earhart embarked on a trans-Atlantic flight with pilots Wilmer Stultz and Louis Gordon, becoming the first woman to make the trip as a passenger.

In 1972, the five Watergate burglars were arrested.

In 2008, Cyd Charisse, longtime dance partner of Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire, died in Los Angeles of a heart attack at age 86.

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Today-------Singer Barry Manilow is 70, Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is 70, Talk show host Art Bell is 68, Former MLB shortstop Dave Concepcion is 65, Magician Mike Caveney is 63 and Comedian Joe Piscopo is 62.

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June 17th is:  Stewart's Root Beer Day, World Day To Combat Desertification And Drought and Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles.)

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Quip for the day.......Some mistakes are just too much fun to only make once.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------funny........

Two Jewish men were sitting in a café in Mexico.  One asked the other, "Are there Mexican Jews?"

The other man says, "Well, I would think so.  There are Jews all over the world.  Let's ask the waiter."

The waiter comes by and the men ask, "Is there Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I'll check," and goes back to the kitchen.  He comes back and says, "No, no Mexican Jews."

The men say, "Are you sure?"  The waiter says, "I'll ask again," and goes to the kitchen.  He comes back and says, "No, no Mexican Jews.  We have orange Jews, apple Jews, grape Jews and tomato Jews, but nobody ever heard of Mexican Jews."

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Today is Tuesday, June 18, the 169th day of the year.  There are 196 days left in the year.

In 1778, American forces entered Philadelphia as the British withdrew during the Revolutionary War.

In 1812, the War of 1812 began as the United States Congress approved, and President James Madison signed, a declaration of war against Britain.

In 1923, the Checker Cab Company produced the first taxi at their Kalamazoo factory.

In 1983, Astronaut Sally K. Ride, 32, became America's first woman in space as she and four colleagues blasted off aboard the space shuttle Challenger on a six-day mission.

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Today--------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Lou Brock is 74, Singer Sue Raney is 73, Rock singer-composer-musician Sir Paul McCartney is 71, Actress Isabella Rossellini is 61 and Actress Carol Kane is 61.

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June 18th is:  International Sushi Day.

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Quip for the day........Failures are divided into those who thought and never did and those who did and never thought.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.....

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.  Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

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Today is Wednesday, June 19, the 170th day of the year.  There are 195 days left in the year.

In 1862, Congress passed, and President Abraham Lincoln signed, a measure abolishing slavery in U.S. territories.

In 1910, the first-ever Father's Day was celebrated in Spokane, Washington.  (The idea for the observance is credited to Sonora Louise Smart Dodd.)

In 1953, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage, were executed in the electric chair.

In 1972, Hurricane Agnes, blamed for at least 122 deaths, made landfall over the Florida Panhandle.

In 1973, the rock musical "The Rocky Horror Show" premiered in London.  (It was later adapted into the movie "The Rocky Horror Picture Show.")

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Today---------French actor Louis Jourdan is 92, Pop singer Tommy DeVito (The Four Seasons) is 85, Auto racer Shirley Muldowney is 73, Singer Spanky McFarlane  (Spanky and Our Gang) is 71, Author Salman Rushdie is 66, Actress Phylicia Rashad is 65, Rock singer Ann Wilson (Heart) is 63 and Singer-songwriter Patty Larkin is 62.

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June 19th is:  Garfield The Cat Day, Juneteenth, World Sickle Cell Day and World Sauntering Day.

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Quip for the day........The secret to looking young is................being young.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------long one, but worth it.......

The day finally arrives; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir.. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T?" Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but, you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."

Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.

"OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS HE I'M HIS OWN......"

St. Peter opened the gate and said: "Run, Forrest, Run"

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Today is Thursday, June 20, the 171st day of the year.  There are 194 days left in the year.

In 1782, Congress approved the Great Seal of the United States, featuring the emblem of the bald eagle.

In 1863, West Virginia became the 35th state.  (Note to genealogists:  many times you might see an ancestor born in West Virginia before 1863.  Be sure to show that they were born in Virginia.)

In 1967, Boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted of violating Selective Service laws.

In 1975, the film, "Jaws," directed by Steven Spielberg, opened in theaters.

In 1977, oil from Prudhoe Bay began flowing down the Trans-Alaska pipeline.

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Today------Actor Martin Landau is 85, Actress Bonnie Bartlett is 84, Actress Olympia Dukakis is 82, Actor Danny Aiello is 80, Football Hall-of-Famer Len Dawson is 78, Actor John Mahoney is 73, Movie director Stephen Frears is 72, Songwriter-singer Brian Wilson is 71, Actor John McCook is 69, Singer Anne Murray is 68, Actress Candy Clark is 66, Rhythm and blues singer Lionel Richie is 64 and Actor John Goodman is 61.

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June 20th is:  American Eagle Day, Dump The Pump Day, Recess At Work Day and World Refugee Day.

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Quip for the day.......A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------good one.....

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinnertable and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?," the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

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Today is Friday, June 21, the 172nd day of the year.  There are 193 days left in the year.

In 1788, the United States Constitution went into effect after New Hampshire ratified it.

In 1943, Army nurse Lt. Edith Greenwood became the first woman to receive the Soldier's Medal for heroism during a fire at a hospital in Yuma, Arizona.

In 1989, a sharply divided Supreme Court ruled that burning the American flag as a form of political protest was protected by the First Amendment.

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Today------Pro football Hall-of-Famer Mike McCormack is 83, Composer Lalo Schifrin is 81, Actor Bernie Kopell is 80, Actor Monte Markham is 78, Songwriter Don Black is 75, Actress Mariette Hartley is 73, Comedian Joe Flaherty is 72, Singer-songwriter Ray Davies (Kinks) is 69, Actress Meredith Baxter is 66, Actor Michael Gross is 66, Rock musician Joey Kramer (Aerosmith) is 63 and Rock musician Nils Lofgren is 62.

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June 21st is:  Ann and Samantha Day, Atheists Solidarity Day, Go Skateboarding Day, National Daylight Appreciation Day, National Flip Flop Day, Summer Soltice, World Handshake Day, World Humanist Day, Take Your Dog To Work Day and Ugliest Dog Day.

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Quip for the day...........From Gallagher.......If you water it and it dies, it's a plant.  If you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------old, but one of my favorites........

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

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Today is Saturday, June 22, the 173rd day of the year.  There are 192 days left in the year.

In 1611, English explorer Henry Hudson, his son and several other people were set adrift in Hudson Bay by mutineers aboard the Discovery; their fate remains unknown.

In 1870, the U.S. Department of Justice was born.

In 1937, Joe Louis began his reign as world heavyweight boxing champion by knocking out Jim Braddock.

In 1938, Joe Louis knocked out Max Schmeling in the first round of their rematch.

In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill which was designed to compensate returning members of the armed services for their efforts in World War II.

In 1945, the Battle of Okinawa came to an end after 83 days of fighting.

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Today------Actor Ralph Waite is 85, Singer-actor Kris Kristofferson is 77, Actor Michael Lerner is 72, Actor Klaus Maria Brandauer is 70, Musician Peter Asher (Peter and Gordon) is 69, Actor Andrew Rubin is 67, Actor David L. Lander is 66, Singer-musician Todd Rundgren is 65, Actress Meryl Streep is 64, Actress Lindsay Wagner is 64, Singer Alan Osmond is 64, Actor Murphy Cross is 63, Actor Graham Greene is 61 and Pop singer Cyndi Lauper is 60.

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June 22nd is:  AARL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day (22-23), Great American Backyard Campout, Polar Bear Swim and Stupid Guy Thing Day.

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Quip for the day...........He's so fat that when he gets into an elevator it HAS to go down.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------another favorite.....

A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink.  A big brutish sort of a fellow walks in, sits down beside him and grabs the drink in front of the first guy and gulps it down.  With that, the first guy starts crying.  Feeling remorseful, the big guy says, "Hey, I'm sorry.  Here, let me buy you a drink.  No need to cry."

The first guy says, "I've had a terrible day.  I overslept and missed an important business meeting and my boss got mad and fired me.  So I went to my car only to find someone had stolen it.  I took the bus home and found my wife in bed with the gardener.  I called a cab and came here.  Then I realized I had left my wallet in the cab.  It was just too much and I decided to end it all.  And then, you walk in and drink my poison..........

Bonus Day.......Another bar joke.........A guy is sitting at the bar when a big guy comes in and WHACK knocks him off the barstool.  The big guy says, "That's a Korean head slap." 

The first guy gets up and sits back on the barstool.  The big guy looks at him and WHACK, knocks him off the barstool again.  "That's a Japanese chop," the big guy says.

With that, the first guy gets up and leaves the bar.  About an hour later, he returns and walks up behind the big guy and WHACK, knocks him off the barstool.  The guy then turns to the bartender and says, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a Sears crowbar."

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Today is Sunday, June 23, the 174th day of the year.  There are 191 days left in the year.

In 1888, Abolitionist Frederick Douglass received one vote from the Kentucky delegation at the Republican convention in Chicago, effectively making him the first black candidate to have his name placed in nomination for U.S. president.  (The nomination went to Benjamin Harrison.)

In 1931, aviators Wiley Post and Harold Gatty took off from New York on a round-the-world flight that lasted eight days and 15 hours.

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Today-----------Actress Peggy Stewart is 90, Singer Diana Trask is 73, Actor Ted Shackelford is 67, Actor Bryan Brown is 66, Guitarist Myles Goodwyn (April Wyne) is 65, Author John Katzenbach is 63 and Actor Jim Metzier is 62.

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June 23rd is:  America's Kids Day, Baby Boomers Recognition Day, Let It Go Day, Pink Flamingo Day, Public Service Day, Ryan Moran Day and SAT Math Day.

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Quip for the day............WARNING!!!!!  Dates in calendar are closer than they appear!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---funny

Two men are driving through Wisconsin when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

"What the heck was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in Wisconsin, son," the trooper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.

"Because I know," the trooper says, "that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that cop would've tried that crap with me!'"

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Today is Monday, June 24, the 175th day of the year.  There are 190 days left in the year.

In 1675, King Philip's War began in colonial New England.

In 1908, the 22nd and 24th president of the United States, Grover Cleveland, died in Princeton, N.J., at age 71.

In 1953, Jacqueline Bouvier and Sen. John F. Kennedy announced their engagement.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon concluded his summit with the leader of the Soviet Union, Leonid Brezhnev.

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Today---------Actor Al Molinaro is 94, Comedian Jack Carter is 90, Rock singer Arthur Brown is 71, Actress Michelle Lee is 71, Rock musician Jeff Beck (Yardbirds, Jeff Beck Group) is 69, Musician Mick Fleetwood is 66, Actor Peter Weller is 66 and Actress Nancy Allen is 63.

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June 24th is:  Celebration Of The Senses and International Fairy Day.

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Quip for the day.........Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospital dying of nothing.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------didn't say blonde joke.......

The young lady was tearing down the road in her convertible at an excessive rate of speed.  A cop pulls her over.

He approaches and demands to see her license.

"My license?" she says, in an exasperated way.

"Yes, Ma'am, show me your driver's license," the cop says.

The lady sighs heavily and says, "I sure wish you guys would get your act together.  Yesterday you took my license away, and today you want me to show it you?  Hello?"

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Today is Tuesday, June 25, the 176th day of the year.  There are 189 days left in the year.

In 1788, Virginia ratified the U.S. Constitution.

In 1876, Lt. Col. George A. Custer and his 7th Cavalry were wiped out by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians in the Battle of the Little Bighorn in Montana.

In 1938, the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 was enacted.

In 1950, war broke out in Korea as forces for the communist North invaded the South.

In 2009, death claimed Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop," at age 50 and actress Farrah Fawcett at age 62.

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Today-----------Actress June Lockhart is 88, Civil Rights Activist James Meredith is 80, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Willis Reed is 71, Singer Carly Simon is 68, Actor-comedian Jimmie Walker is 66, Actor-director Michael Lembeck is 65 and TV Personality Phyllis George is 64.

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June 25th is:  Color TV Day (CBS), Global Beatles Day, National Columnists Day and Please Take My Children To Work Day.

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Quip for the day......She used to have an hour glass figure until the sands of time shifted.

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Larryj