another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah.........

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.  "What's bothering you, dear?" asked Father O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," Mary replied.  "My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.

"Well?"

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"

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Today is Friday, June 7, the 158th day of the year.  There are 207 days left in the year.

In 1769, Daniel Boone first began to explore present-day Kentucky.

In 1776, Richard Henry Lee of Virginia proposed to the Continental Congress a resolution:  "That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown."

In 1913, Hudson Stuck, an Alaskan missionary, led the first successful ascent of Mt. McKinley, the highest point on the American continent at 20,320 feet.

In 1937, actress Jean Harlow died in Hollywood of acute renal failure at age 26.

In 1942, the Battle of Midway ended, a victory for American forces over the Imperial Japanese.

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Today---------Movie director James Ivory is 85, Actress Virginia McKenna is 82, Singer Tom Jones is 73, Actor Ken Osmond ("Leave it to Beaver") is 70, Former talk show host Jenny Jones is 67, Singer-songwriter Willie Nile is 65, Actress Anne Twomey is 62, Actor Liam Neeson is 61 and Actress Colleen Camp is 60.

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June 7th is:  Doughnut Day or Donut Day (7-8), Daniel Boone Day, Positive Power Of Humor And Creativity Days (7-9), VCR Day and Banana Split Days (7-8).

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Quip for the day-------Age doesn't make you forgetful.  Having too many stupid things to remember makes you forgetful.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----an old favorite......

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.  Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'  We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.  My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead."

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

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Today is Saturday, the 159th day of the year.  There are 206 days left in the year.

In 1845, Andrew Jackson, seventh president of the United States, died in Nashville, Tennessee.

In 1861, voters in Tennessee approved an Ordinance of Secession passed the previous month by the state legislature.

In 1942, Bing Crosby recorded "Adeste Fideles" and "Silent Night" in Los Angeles for Decca Records.

In 1953, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled unanimously that restaurants in the District of Columbia could not refuse to serve blacks.

In 1953, eight tornadoes struck Michigan's Lower Peninsula, killing 126 people.

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Today---------Former First Lady Barbara Bush is 88, Actor-comedian Jerry Stiller is 86, Comedian Joan Rivers is 80, Actor-singer James Darren is 77, Singer Nancy Sinatra is 73, Musician Boz Scaggs is 69, Actress Sonia Braga is 63, Actress Kathy Baker is 63, Rock singer Bonnie Tyler is 62 and Rock musician Jeff Rich (Status Quo) is 60.

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June 8th is:  Belmont Stakes, International Young Eagles Day, National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Upsy Daisy Day, Worldwide Knit In Public Day and World Oceans Day.

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Quip for the day.........In Los Angeles, finding a really good parking spot can totally move you to tears.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah.......

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.  "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

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Today is Sunday, June 9, the 160th day of the year.  There are 205 days left in the year.

In 1863, a two-day meeting began in New York City to found the United States Veterinary Medical Association (now the American Veterinary Association.)

In 1943, the federal government began withholding income tax from paychecks.

In 1953, 94 people died when a tornado hit Worcester, Massachusetts.

In 1972, a flash flood in Rapid City, South Dakota, killed more than 200 people.

In 1973, Secretariat won the Belmont Stakes, becoming horse racing's first Triple Crown winner in 25 years.

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Today-------Actress Mona Freeman is 87, Comedian Jackie Mason is 85, Actor Joe Santos is 82, Sports commentator Dick Vitale is 74, Author Charles Webb is 74, Rock musician Mick Box (Uriah Heep) is 66 and Former MLB player Dave Parker is 62.

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June 9th is:  Abused Women and Children's Awareness Day, Children's Sunday, Donald Duck Day, Multicultural American Child Day, Ride The Wind Day, Race Unity Day and World APS Day.

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Quip for the day..........Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------things idiots do......

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

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Today is Monday, June 10, the 161st day of the year.  There are 204 days left in the year.

In 1692, the first official execution resulting from the Salem witch trials in Massachusetts took place as Bridget Bishop was hanged.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin flew a kite during a thunderstorm and collected a charge into a Leyden jar when lightning struck the kite.

In 1935, Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in Akron, Ohio, by Dr. Robert Holbrook Smith and William Griffith Wilson.

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy signed into law the Equal Pay Act of 1963, aimed at eliminating wage disparities based on gender.  The same day, Kennedy delivered a commencement address at American University in Washington, D.C., in which he declared, "If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can make the world safe for diversity."

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Today------Attorney F. Lee Bailey is 80, Actor Mickey Jones is 72, Actress Randee Heller is 66, Former MLB player Ken Singleton is 66, Former Pro Football player Dan Fouts is 62 and Former Sen. John Edwards, D-N.C., is 60.

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June 10th is:  Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day, Ball Point Pen Day and Iced Tea Day.

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Quip for the day............A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------old and funny.....

The little boy greeted his grandmother with shouts of joy.  "Grandma's here!  Grandma's here!" he cried.  He ran several circles around her, then jumped up and gave her a big hug.  "Hooray!  Hooray!" he cried and gave her a big kiss.

"My goodness," his grandmother said, "I'm glad you're excited to see me."

"Oh, yes!  I've been waiting and waiting.  Now Daddy will do the trick he promised."

"You precious thing!  What trick did your Daddy promise to do?"

"Wait until you see!  I heard him say that the next time you came to visit he was going to climb the walls!"

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Today is Tuesday, June 11, the 162nd day of the year.  There are 203 days left in the year.

In 1776, the Continental Congress formed a committee to draft a Declaration of Independence calling for freedom from Britain.

In 1919, Sir Barton won the Belmont Stakes, becoming horse racing's first Triple Crown winner.

In 1962, three prisoners at Alcatraz in San Francisco Bay staged an escape, leaving the island on a makeshift raft; they were never found or heard from again.

In 1979, actor John Wayne died at age 72.

In 1982, the movie "E.T." was first released.

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Today---------Actor Gene Wilder is 80, International Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Jackie Stewart is 74, Actress Adrienne Barbeau is 68, Rock musician Frank Beard (ZZ Top) is 64, Singer-guitarist Donnie Vansant (38 Special) is 61, Actor Peter Bergman is 60 and Former model Barbara Minty is 60.

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June 11th is:  Corn Cob Day.

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Quip for the day...........Whatever is eating at you...........must be suffering horribly.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------busy day.....

Here is how one enterprising parishioner put a stop to small-town church gossip.  He single-handedly taught Mildred, the church rumor-monger, a lesson she won't soon forget.

Mildred made it her job to mind everyone else's business and she didn't mind tattling and telling tales.  She didn't concern herself too much with the facts.

One day she started a whisper campaign about Bob.  She has spotted his car parked in front of the town's only bar.  She informed everyone who would listen that Bob undoubtedly was an alcoholic.  Why else would he park his car in front of the bar?  She even confronted Bob himself. 

Bob, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend or deny.  He said nothing.

Later that evening, he quietly parked his car in front of Mildred's house.  He walked over to the next block and caught a bus home.   His truck stayed at Mildred's house overnight.

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Today is Wednesday, June 12, the 163rd day of the year.  There are 202 days left in the year.

In 1776, Virginia's colonial legislature became the first to adopt a Bill of Rights.

In 1939, the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum was dedicated in Cooperstown, New York.

In 1956, the flag of the United States Army was adopted under an executive order signed by President Eisenhower.

In 1967, the Supreme Court, in Loving v. Virginia, struck down state laws prohibiting interracial marriages.

In 1987, President Ronald Reagan, in a visit to the divided German city of Berlin, publicly challenged Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev to "tear down this wall."

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Today--------Banker/philanthropist David Rockefeller is 98, Former President George H.W. Bush is 89, Singer Vic Damone is 85, Actor -singer Jim Nabors is 83, Jazz musician Chick Corea is 72, Sportscaster Marv Albert is 72, Rock musician Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick) is 62, Country-singer-musician Junior Brown is 61, Singer-songwriter Rocky Burnette is 60 and Actor David Thornton is 60.

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June 12th is:  Crowded Nest Awareness Day, Loving Day, National Jerky Day and National Peanut Butter Cookie Day.

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Quip for the day........I heard he was a real lady-killer.  Women took one look at him and died of fright.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah......gotcha......

Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever's dog won would dominate the world.

Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog ever.

When the day came for the big dogfight, Uncle Sam showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dog--but when it got close to the American dog, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate Osama's dog whole!

Osama replied, "We don't understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest dogs and the meanest wolves!"

Uncle Sam said, "That's nothing, we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

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Today is Thursday, June 13, the 164th day of the year.  There are 201 days left in the year.

In 1927, aviation hero Charles Lindbergh was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York City.

In 1966, the Supreme Court ruled (Miranda v. Arizona) criminal suspects had to be told of their constitutional right to consult with an attorney and to remain silent.

In 1971, the New York Times began publishing excerpts of the Pentagon Papers, a secret study of U.S. actions in Vietnam from 1945 to 1967 that had been leaked by military analyst Daniel Ellsberg.

In 1983, the U.S. space probe Pioneer 10, launched in 1972, became the first spacecraft to leave the solar system.

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Today--------Magician Siegfried (Siegfried and Roy) is 74, Singer Bobby Freeman is 73, Actor Malcolm McDowell is 70, Singer Dennis Lacorriere (Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show) is 64, Actor Richard Thomas is 62 and Comedian Tim Allen is 60.

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June 13th is:  Career Nurse Assistants Day and Queen's Official Birthday.

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Quip for the day.......There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of hugs and kisses.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----good one.......

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."

The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks,

"Where'd you get those eggs?"

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?

"No," she says.

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is messing with your chickens."

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Today is Friday, June 14, the 165th day of the year.  There are 200 days left in the year.

In 1777, the Continental Congress in Philadelphia adopted the Stars and Stripes as the flag.

In 1801, former American Revolutionary War General and notorious turncoat Benedict Arnold died in London.

In 1811, Harriet Beecher Stowe was born in Litchfield, Connecticut.

In 1909, folksinger Burl Ives was born in Hunt City, Illinois.

In 1922, President Warren G. Harding became the first president to have his voice transmitted by radio.

In 1954, the words "under God" were added to the Pledge of Allegiance.

In 1972, the Environmental Protection Agency ordered a ban on continued use of the pesticide DDT, to take effort at year's end

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Today-------Former MLB pitcher Don Newcombe is 87, Actress Marla Gibbs is 82, Real estate mogul Donald Trump is 67, Author Harry Turtledove is 64 and Actor Eddie Mekka is 61.

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June 14th is:  Army's Birthday, Family History Day, Flag Day, National Bourbon Day, Pause For The Pledge Day, World Blood Donor Day and Work at Home Father's Day.

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Quip for the day..........There are two sides to every question.  My side and the wrong side.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------good one......

A modern day cowboy is lost in the desert.  He is crawling along with no water.  His horse has already died of thirst.  He is certain that this is the end.

He sees an object up ahead.  He crawls to the object and pulls it out of the sand.  It is a briefcase.  He opens the briefcase and out pops a genie.  But this is no ordinary genie.  It is an IRS genie complete with a calculator in her pocket and a pencil behind her ear.

She looks at him and says, "Ok, cowboy, you know how this works.  You get three wishes."

The cowboy says, "No way.  I wouldn't trust an IRS genie."

She says, "What do you have to lose?  You've got no transportation and it looks like you are a goner, anyway."

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides the genie is right.  He says, "Ok, my first wish to be in a beautiful oasis with lots of drink and food."

POOF!

He is transported to an oasis and there is all kinds of food and drink.  The genie says, "What is your second wish?"  The cowboy says, "I want to be very, very rich."

POOF!

He is surrounded by chests of beautiful gems and coins.  The genie says, "Ok, cowboy.  This is your final wish.  Better make it a good one."

He thinks for a minute and says, "I want to be wanted and needed by every woman in the world."

POOF!

He is turned into a tampon.

Moral:  Be careful of what the IRS offers.  There is probably a string attached.

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Today is June 15, the 166th day of the year.  There are 199 days left in the year.

In 1215, England's King John put his seal to Magna Carta ("The Great Charter") at Runnymeade.

In 1775, the Second Continental Congress voter unanimously to appoint George Washington head of the Continental Army.

In 1776, the Assembly of Lower Counties of Pennsylvania declared itself independent of British and Pennsylvania authority, thereby creating the state of Delaware.

In 1846, representatives of Great Britain and the United States signed the Oregon Treaty which settled a long standing dispute over who controlled the Oregon Territory.

In 1849, James Polk, the 11th president of the United States, died in Nashville, Tennessee.

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Today-----------Former New York Governor Mario Cuomo is 81, Former MLB player Billy Williams is 75, Author Brian Jacques is 74, Actress Judy Pace is 71, Singer-songwriter Noddy Holder (Slade) is 67 and Former MLB player Dusty Baker is 64.

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June 15th is:  Magna Carta Day, Native American Citizenship Day, Nature Photography Day, National Day of Prayer For Law Enforcement Officers, The Wicket World of Croquet Day, World Elder Abuse Awareness Day, World Juggling Day and Worldwide Day of Giving.

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Quip for the day.........from Michael Landon........If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------aha...........

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

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Today is Sunday, June 16, the 167th day of the year.  There are 198 days left in the year.

In 1858, accepting the Illinois Republican Party's nomination for the U.S. Senate, Abraham Lincoln said the slavery issue had to be resolved, declaring "A house divided against itself cannot stand."

In 1884, the first roller coaster in America opened at Coney Island in Brooklyn, New York.  (The ride traveled six miles an hour and cost a nickel.)

In 1903, the Ford Motor Company was incorporated.

In 1933, the National Industrial Recovery Act became law with President Roosevelt's signature.  (The Act was later struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court.)

In 1959, Actor George Reeves, TV's "Superman," was found dead of an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound in the bedroom of his Beverly Hills home:  He was 45.

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Today-----Actress-singer Annie Cordy is 85, Actress Eilene Atkins is 79, Actor James Bolam is 78, Author Joyce Carol Oates is 75, Country singer Billy "Crash" Craddock is 74, Songwriter Lamont Dozier is 72, Soul musician Eddie Lavert is 71, Actress Joan Van Ark is 70, Actor Geoff Pierson is 64, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Roberto Duran is 62 and Playwright Willy Holtzman is 61.

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June 16th is:  Bloomsday, Fudge Day, Family Awareness Day, Father's Day, Husband Caregiver Day and Ladies Day (Baseball.)

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Quip for the day.........I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

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Larryj