another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------kids........

A bright little six-year girl goes to the hospital to visit her sick Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead and bursts into Grandpa's room.

"Grandpa! Grandpa!," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" Grandpa asks.

"Make a noise like a frog!"

"Why?" Grandpa asks.

"Because Mom says that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!"

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Today is Monday, May 20, the 140th day of the year.  There are 225 days left in the year.

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed the Homestead Act, which was intended to encourage settlements west of the Mississippi River by making federal land available for farming.

In 1873, Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis received a patent for their copper-studded blue jeans.

In 1927, Charles Lindbergh took off from Roosevelt Field in Long Island, New York, aboard the "Spirit of St. Louis" on his historic solo flight to France.

In 1932, Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic.  (Because of weather and equipment problems, she set down in Northern Ireland instead of her intended destination, France.

In 1956, the United States dropped a hydrogen bomb over Bikini Atoll.

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Today--------Actor Michael Constantine is 86, Actress Constance Towers is 80, Baseball All-Star pitcher Tommy John is 70, Singer Joe Cocker is 69, Singer-actress Cher is 67, Children's author Mary Pope Osborn is 64 and Actor-comedian Dave Thomas is 64.

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May 20th is:  Eliza Doolittle Day and Weights And Measures Day.

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Quip for the day...........Half of today's adults can't do math and the other two-thirds don't care.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----busy day.......

SHARP KIDS.......

Teacher:  Denny, why are you late?  Denny:  Class started before I got here.

Mom:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?  Glen:  Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground.

Teacher:  Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.  Did you copy his?  Clyde:  No, sir, but it's the same dog.

Teacher:  Annie, how do spell "crocodile"?  Annie:  K.R.O.K.O.D.I.L.E?  Teacher:  No, that's wrong.  Annie:  Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Dad:  George Washington chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?  Louie:  Because George still had the axe in his hand?

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Today is (was) Tuesday, May 21, the 141st day of the year.  There are 224 days left in the year.

In 1863, the Seventh Day Adventist Church was officially organized.

In 1881, the American Red Cross was founded in Washington, D.C., by humanitarians Clara Barton and Adolphus Solomons.

In 1901, the state of Connecticut became the first to enact a speed limit law.

In 1927, Charles A. Lindbergh landed his Spirit of St. Louis near Paris.

In 1932, Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean as she landed in Northern Ireland, about 15 hours after leaving Newfoundland.

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Today--------Actress Alice Drummond is 85, Rhythm-and-blues singer Ron Isley  (The Isley Brothers) is 72, Romance novelist Janet Dailey is 69, Actor Richard Hatch is 68, Pop singer Leo Sayer is 65, Writer and actor Leon Schuster is 62 and Actor Mr. T is 61.

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May 21st is:  American Red Cross Founder's Day, End Of The World or Rapture Party Day, I Need A Patch For That Day, National Endangered Species Day, National Wait Staff Day, Sister Maria Hummel Day, Victoria Day and World Day For Cultural Diversity For Dialogue And Development.

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Quip for the day........The following sentence is false.  The previous sentence is true.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----hah.......

A young couple had just moved in across the street, and Mrs. Thorpe was spying on them through the blinds.

"What in the world are you doing?"  Mr. Thorpe asked as he walked into the kitchen and saw his wife peeking through the venetian blinds.

"Oh, darling," Mrs. Thorpe exclaimed, "You won't believe our new neighbors.  They kiss and kiss at the doorway when he leaves in the morning, and then he blows her more kisses from the driveway as he gets into his car."

"How sweet," Mr. Thorpe says.

"So why don't you do that?" Mrs. Thorpe asks.

"Are you kidding?" Mr. Thorpe says.  "I haven't even been introduced to her yet."

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Today is Wednesday, May 22, the 142nd day of the year.  There are 223 days left in the year.

In 1802, the first First Lady of the United States, Martha Washington, died at Mt. Vernon at age 70.

In 1843, the "Great Emigration", made up of 1,000 settlers and 1,000 head of cattle, left Independence, Missouri, for Oregon.

In 1913, the American Cancer Society was founded in New York by a group of doctors and business leaders under its original name, the American Society for the Control of Cancer.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appeared before Congress to explain his decision to veto a bill that would have allowed World War I veterans to cash in bonus certificates before their 1945 due date.

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Today--------Singer Charles Aznavour is 89, Actor Michael Constantine is 86 (earlier entry was wrong), Conductor Peter Nero is 70, Actor Guy Marchand is 76, Actor Richard Benjamin is 75, Actor Frank Converse is 75, Actress Barbara Parkins is 71, Retired MLB All-Star pitcher Tommy John is 70 (earlier entry was wrong), Actress Victoria Wyndham is 68 and Songwriter Bernie Taupin is 63.

(I started getting these from two different sources and it turns out one of them is not accurate. Sorry about that.)

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May 22nd is:  Canadian Immigration Day, International Day For Biological Diversity, National Maritime Day and World Goth Day.

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Quip for the day........Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today-----------hah......

A guy at the club is bragging about his three sons.

"I'm so proud of my oldest son," the guy says.  "He makes $100,000 a year."  "Yeah?" says one of the other guys.  "What does he do?"

"He's an engineer.  He does pretty well.  Of course, my second son, he makes twice as much."  "Twice as much!  What does he do?" someone asks.

"He's a doctor.  He's a big shot.  Of course, my youngest son, he does the best of all.  He's pulling in about $10 million a year."  "Holy cow!  $10 million? What on earth does he do?" someone says.

"He's a sports mechanic." 

"A sports mechanic?  What does a sports mechanic do?"

"Oh, he fixes everything.  He fixes the horse races.  He fixes the boxing matches.  He fixes the ballgames......."

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Today is Thursday, May 23, the 143th day of the year.  There are 222 days left in the year.

In 1788, South Carolina became the eighth state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.

In 1934, bank robbers Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker were shot to death in a police ambush in Bienville Parish, Louisiana.

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Today-------Actor Nigel Davenport is 85, Actress Barbara Barrie is 82, Actress Joan Collins is 80, Actor Charles Kimbrough is 77 and Actress Lauren Chapin is 68.

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May 23rd is:  National Taffy Day, World Crohn's and Colitis Day and World Turtle Day.

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Quip for the day...............Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------funny......

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."

1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker:

"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

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Today is Friday, May 24, the 144th day of the year.  There are 221 days left in the year.

In 1775, John Hancock was elected president of the Continental Congress, succeeding Peyton Randolph.

In 1844, Samuel F.B. Morse transmitted the message "What hath God wrought" from Washington to Baltimore as he formally opened America's first telegraph line.

In 1883, the Brooklyn Bridge, linking Brooklyn and Manhattan, was dedicated by President Chester Alan Arthur and New York Gov. Grover Cleveland.

In 1935, the first major league night baseball game was at Cincinnati's Crosley Field as the Reds beat the Philadelphia Phillies, 2-1.

In 1975, Composer and orchestra leader Duke Ellington died at age 75.

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Today-------Comedian Tommy Chong is 75, Singer Bob Dylan is 72, Actor Gary Burghoff is 70, Singer Patti LaBelle is 69, Actress Priscilla Presley is 68, Country singer Mike Reid is 66 and Actor Alfred Molina is 60.

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May 24th is:  Brother's Day, Don't Fry Day, Heat Awareness Day, International Tiara Day, Morse Code Day and National Wig Out Day.

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Quip for the day......It's not an optical illusion.  It just looks that way.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----wait a minute........

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

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Today is Saturday, May 25, the 145th day of the year.  There are 220 days left in the year.

In 1861, President Abraham Lincoln suspended the writ of habeas corpus.

In 1935, Babe Ruth hit the 714th and final home run of his career for the Boston Braves in a game against the Pittsburg Pirates.  (Babe went 4 for 4 in this game with 3 home runs.)

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy told Congress:  "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the Earth."

In 1977, the movie "Star Wars" first opened.

In 1979, 273 people died when an American Airlines DC-10 crashed just after takeoff from Chicago's O'Hare Airport.

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Today--------Author W.P. Kinsella is 78, Country singer-songwriter Tom T. Hall is 77, Actor Sir Ian McKellen is 74, Country singer Jessi Colter is 70, Actress-singer Leslie Uggams is 70, Movie director and Muppeteer Frank Oz is 69, Actress Karen Valentine is 66 and Actress Jacki Weaver is 66.

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May 25th is:  Cookie Monster's Birthday, National Missing Children's Day, National Tap Dance Day, Nerd Pride Day, Towel Day, International Jazz Day, Julia Pierpont Day and Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day.

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Quip for the day.........My friend had the 24-hour bug for the three days; go figure!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----from the archives.......

An old sailor was walking down the dock when he met an old friend he hadn't seen in many years.  They spent a long time catching up with each other's exploits over the years.  Then the friend said, "I can't help but noticing, but you have a peg leg.  What happened?"

The first sailor said, "Well, I was working on the deck when a storm hit and I got tangled in some equipment and my leg was so mangled they had to amputate at the knee."

The friend said, "How terrible!  I also noticed you have a hook for a left hand.  What happened?"

The sailor said, "Well, a shipmate fell overboard and I was reaching down to pull him up and a shark bit my hand off."

The friend said, "You certainly had some bad luck.  Has anything else happened to you?"

The sailor said, "Well, I have a glass eye also.  I was looking up at some gulls and one unloaded right into my eye."

The friend said, "Gull droppings caused you to lose your eye?"

The sailor said, "Well, that was the first day I had me hook."

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Today is Sunday, May 26, the 146th day of the year. There are 219 days left in the year.

In 1864, the Montana Territory was created.

In 1868, the impeachment trial of President Andrew Johnson ended with his acquittal on the remaining charges.

In 1907, actor John Wayne (Marion Michael Morrison) was born in Winterset, Iowa.

In 1913, Actor's Equity Association was organized by a group of actors at the Pabst Grand Circle Hotel in New York; the union's first president was Francis Wilson.

In 1927, Henry Ford and his son, Edsel, drove the 15 millionth Model T Ford out of their factory, marking the last day of production.  The Model T was introduced in October 1908.

In 1969, the Apollo 10 astronauts returned to Earth after a successful eight-day dress rehearsal for the first manned moon landing.

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Today--------Sportscaster Brent Musburger is 74, Singer Stevie Nicks is 65, Actress Pam Grier is 64, Actor Philip Michael Thomas is 64 and Country singer Hank Williams Jr. is 64.

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May 26th is:  Trinity Day and Indianapolis 500.

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Quip for the day.........If a burglar ever breaks into my house looking for money, I'll laugh and help him look.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah......

After a particularly brutal inspection, the GIs were visibly shaken.  The hard nosed sergeant barked, "Dismissed!"  But one soldier lingered behind, quaking in his boots.

The sergeant approached him and said, "Don't worry, son.  After I'm gone, you can come dance on my grave."

"Oh, no," the GI said, stammering.  "I would never do that."

The crusty sergeant frowned and said, "Why not?"

The soldier replied, "I promised myself that once I got out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

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Today is Monday, May 27, the 147th day of the year.  There are 218 days left in the year.

In 1861, Chief Justice Roger Taney, sitting as a federal circuit court judge in Baltimore, ruled that President Abraham Lincoln lacked the authority to suspend the writ of habeas corpus.  (Lincoln disregarded the ruling.)

In 1896, a tornado killed 255 people when the funnel cloud struck St. Louis, Missouri, and East St. Louis, Illinois.

In 1929, Charles A. Lindbergh married Anne Morrow in Englewood, New Jersey.

In 1933, the Chicago World's Fair, celebrating "A Century of Progress," officially opened.

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Today-------Pulitzer Prize winning novelist Herman Wouk is 98, Actor Christopher Lee is 91, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is 90, Actress Lee Meriwether is 78, Jazz musician Ramsey Lewis is 78, Actor Louis Gossett Jr. is 77, Country singer Don Williams is 74 and Actress Cilla Black is 70.

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May 27th is:  Cellophane Tape Day, Prayers For Peace Memorial Day and Memorial Day.

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Quip for the day........If you decide not to make a decision.....you still have made a choice.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah......

A very devout woodsman carried his Bible with him everywhere.  One day while working in the forest he lost his bible.  He looked everywhere, but couldn't find it.  He was very distraught.  Days went by, then weeks, then months and he couldn't find his Bible.

Then one day, a bear walked out of the forest and approached him with the Bible in his mouth.  "It's a miracle!" he proclaimed as he gingerly reached for the Bible.  "Truly, a miracle!"

The bear replied, "No, not really.  It had your name in it."

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Today is Tuesday, May 28, the 148th day of the year.  There are 217 days left in the year.

In 1892, the Sierra Club was organized in San Francisco.

In 1929, the first all-color talking picture, "On With The Show," opened in New York.

In 1957, the National League owners voted unanimously to allow the New York Giants and the Brooklyn Dodgers to move to the West Coast. (There was a condition, however, that if one of the teams decided not to move, the other one couldn't move either.  The Dodgers wanted to move because Los Angeles promised to build them a new stadium and Brooklyn wouldn't.)

In 1977, 165 people were killed when fire raced through the Beverly Hills Supper Club in Southgate, Kentucky.

In 1998, comic actor Phil Hartman of "Saturday Night Live" and "News Radio" fame was shot to death at his home in Encino, California, by his wife, Brynn, who then killed herself.

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Today---------Rockabilly singer-musician Sonny Burgess is 84, Actress Carroll Baker is 82, Producer-director Irwin Winkler is 82, Actor John Karlen is 80, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Jerry West is 75, Actress Beth Howland is 72, Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani is 69, Singer Gladys Knight is 69, Actress-director Sondra Locke is 69 and Singer John Fogerty is 68.

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May 28th is:  Sierra Club Day and Slugs Return From Capistrano Day.

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Quip for the day.........GENDER RECOGNITION:  Car tires are male because they go bald and are often over inflated.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------old still funny.....

A cop pulls over a car.  The driver rolls down his window and waits.  When the cop walks up, the driver says, "Hello, officer."

The cop crouches and sees a gorilla sitting in the passenger seat.  The gorilla smiles and waves.  Both of them are wearing sunglasses.

The cop says to the driver, "Sir, you cannot drive around with a monkey up front.  Why, he's not even wearing a seat belt.  You need to take him to the zoo right now."

"Good idea," the driver says.

The next week, the cop sees the same car.  And sure enough, the same guy and the gorilla are in it.  This time they're wearing sunglasses and Mickey Mouse ears.  He pulls them over.

"I thought you were taking that monkey to the zoo," he says.

"I did," the driver says.  "And we had a fantastic time.  Today, we're going to Disneyland!"

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Today is Wednesday, May 29, the 149th day of the year.  There are 216 days left in the year.

In 1765, Patrick Henry denounced the Stamp Act before Virginia's House of Burgesses.

In 1790, Rhode Island became the 13th original colony to ratify the United States Constitution.

In 1848, Wisconsin became the 30th state of the Union.

In 1917, the 35th president of the United States, John F. Kennedy, was born in Brookline, Massachusetts.

In 1943, Norman Rockwell's portrait of "Rosie the Riveter" appeared on the cover of the Saturday Evening Post.

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Today-----Actor Clifton James is 92, Author Paul Ehrlich is 81, Race car driver Al Unser is 74, Rock singer Gary Brooker (Procol Harum) is 68, Actor Anthony Geary is 66 and Film composer Danny Elfman is 60.

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May 29th is:  International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers, Learn About Composting Day, National Senior Health and Fitness Day, Put A Pillow On Your Fridge Day, World Multiple Sclerosis Day and Loomis Day.

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Quip for the day............I tried to catch some fog..............I mist.

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Larryj