another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------old, but funny.......

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Panty Stitcher". "I sew the elastic onto lady's cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.   The Clerk explained "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says: 'Yah, diesel fitter.'"

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Today is Friday, May 10, the 130th day of the year.  There are 235 days left in the year.

In 1775, Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain Boys, together with Col. Benedict Arnold, captured the British-controlled fortress at Ticonderoga, New York.

In 1863, during the Civil War, Confederate Lt. Gen. Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson died of pneumonia, a complication resulting from being hit by friendly fire eight days earlier during the Battle of Chancellorsville in Virginia.

In 1865, Union forces captured Confederate President Jefferson Davis in Irwinville, Georgia.

In 1869, the Transcontinental Railroad was completed with a ceremony in Promontory, Utah.

In 1877, President Rutherford B. Hayes had the first telephone installed in the White House.

In 1977, actress Joan Crawford died from a heart attack in New York City.

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Today------Singer Henry Fambrough (The Spinners) is 75, Announcer Gary Owens is 74 and Singer Donovan is 67.

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May 10th is:  Fintastic Friday:  Give Sharks A Voice, Lupus Day, Military Spouse Appreciation Day and Windmill Day.

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Quip for the day........Ever have amnesia and deja vu at the same time....I think I have forgotten this before.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----funny.....

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

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Today is Saturday, May 11, the 131st day of the year.  There are 234 days left in the year.

In 1647, Peter Stuyvesant arrived in New Amsterdam to become governor of New Netherland.

In 1858, Minnesota became the 32nd state of the Union.

In 1862, during the Civil War, the Confederate Ironclad CSS Virginia was scuttled by its crew off Craney Island, Virginia, to prevent it from falling into Union hands.

In 1864, during the Civil War, Confederate Gen. J.E.B. Stuart was mortally wounded.

In 1934, a huge dust storm swept from the Great Plains across the Eastern states.

In 1947, B.F. Goodrich announced the development of the tubeless tire.

In 1973, the espionage trial of Daniel Ellsburg and Anthony Russo in the "Pentagon Papers" case came to an end as Judge William M. Byrne dismissed all charges, citing government misconduct.

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Today------Comedian Mort Sahl is 86, Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan is 80, Actress Shohreh Aghdashico is 61, Actress Frances Fisher is 61 and Actor Boyd Gaines is 60.

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May 11th is:  Birthmother's Day, Cornelia de Lange Syndrome Awareness Day, Eat What You Want Day, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day, International Migratory Bird Day, Letter Carrier's Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive Day, Mother Ocean Day, National Babysitter's Day, National Miniature Golf Day, Stay Up All Night, National Train Day and World Belly Dance Day.

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Quip for the day..........Teamwork is essential.  It allows you to blame someone else.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----Happy Mother's Day......

DEFINITIONS FOR MOTHERS.

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am, too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

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Today is Sunday, May 12, the 132nd day of the year.  There are 233 days left in the year.

In 1780, during the Revolutionary War, the besieged city of Charleston, South Carolina, surrendered to British forces.

In 1907, actress Katharine Hepburn was born in Hartford, Connecticut.

In 1932, the body of Charles Lindbergh, Jr., the kidnapped son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh, was found in a wooded area near Hopewell, New Jersey.

In 1949, the Soviet Union lifted the Berlin Blockade, which the Western powers had succeeded in circumventing with their Berlin Airlift.

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Today--------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra is 88, Critic John Simon is 88, Composer Burt Bacharach is 85, Actress Millie Perkins is 75, Singer-musician Steve Winwood is 65, Actor Gabriel Byrne is 63 and Actor Bruce Boxleitner is 63.

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May 12th is:  Hug Your Cat Day, International Nurse's Day, Limerick Day, Mother's Day, Mothers At The Wall Day, National Doodle Day, National Nutty Fudge Day, Odometer Day and World Fair Trade Day.

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Quip for the day..........Two rules of success in life:  1. Don't tell people everything you know.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------an "oh, no" joke.....

Three guys enter a special swimming contest whereby each contestant is born disabled. The first has no arms. The second has no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

The prospect of the race was a bit ridiculous, but the three had all trained and such a contest was historic, so many people gathered to watch.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. Everybody applauds, (except the guy with no arms, of course).

The guy with no legs can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides, with all good sportsmanship, to dive down to the bottom of the pool to rescue his fellow competitor. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.

Eventually the head catches his breath. He takes a moment and then begins to fume. His face red and steaming, he turns to the crowd and shouts:

"Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"

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Today is Monday, May 13, the 133rd day of the year.  There are 232 days left in the year.

In 1607, English colonists arrived by ship at the site what became the Jamestown settlement in Virginia.  (The colonists went ashore the next day.)

In 1846, the United States declared that a state of war already existed with Mexico.

In 1918, the first U.S. airmail stamps were issued to the public.

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Today------Actor Harvey Keitel is 74, Author Charles Baxter is 66 and Singer Stevie Wonder is 63.

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May 13th is:  Frog Jumping Day.

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Quip for the day.........Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----old, and true........

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."  The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."   And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion.  You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."  And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 10 years."  And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey.  You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny,
and you shall live for 20 years."  And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me  no more than 10 years."  And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth.  You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."  And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected."   And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.  Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

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Today is Tuesday, May 14, the 134th day of the year.  There are 231 days left in the year.

In 1804, the Lewis and Clark Expedition to explore the Louisiana Territory as well as the Pacific Northwest left camp near present-day Hartford, Illinois.

In 1863, during the Civil War, Union forces defeated the Confederates in the Battle of Jackson, Mississippi.

In 1913, the Rockefeller Foundation was founded in New York.

In 1936, Walden Robert Cassoto, AKA Bobby Darin, was born in the Bronx, New York.

In 1973, the United States launched Skylab 1, its first manned space station.

In 1998, legendary singer Frank Sinatra died in Los Angeles at age 82.

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Today------Producer George Lucas is 69, Actress Meg Foster is 65, Director Robert Zemeckis is 62 and Rock singer David Byrne is 61.

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May 14th is:  National Chicken Dance Day, The Stars And Stripes Forever Day and Underground America Day.

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Quip for the day....Don't try to make children grow up to be like you.  They may do it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------funny........

A plumber attended to a leaky faucet at a luxurious mansion of a predominate neurosurgeon.  After a two-minute repair job, he scribbled on his pad and handed the doctor a bill for $150.

The doctor exclaimed, "Good Heavens, man.  $150 for two minutes of work?  You can't be serious.

The plumber said, "Well, that's the rate, bub."

The doctor said, "I'm a neurosurgeon and I don't even make this kind of money."

The plumber said, "Yeah, I know.  I didn't either.  That's why I switched to plumbing."

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Today is Wednesday, May 15, the 135 day of the year.  There are 230 days left in the year.

In 1602, English navigator Bartholomew Gosnold and his ship, the Concord, arrived at present-day Cape Cod, which he's credited for naming.

In 1896, a rare F5 tornado decimated Sherman, Texas, killing 73 people.

In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure creating the Women's Army Auxiliary Corps, whose members came to be known as WACs.  And, wartime gasoline rationing went into effect in 17 Eastern states, limiting sales to three gallons a week for nonessential vehicles.

In 1963, astronaut Gordon Cooper blasted off aboard Faith 7 on the final mission of the Project Mercury Program.

In 1972, during an outdoor rally in Laurel, Maryland, Alabama's Governor George Wallace was shot by 21-year-old Arthur Bremer.  Wallace was permanently paralyzed from the waist down.

In 1977, Pro baseball pitcher, Nolan Ryan, of the California Angels, pitched his first no-hitter.

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Today-------Actress-singer Anna Maria Alberghetti is 77, Counterculture icon Wavy Gravy is 77, Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright is 76, Singer Trini Lopez is 76, Actress-singer Lainie Kazan is 73 and Country singer K.T. Oslin is 71.

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May15th is:  Hyperemisis Gravidarum Awareness Day, International Day Of Families, International MPS Awareness Day, National Chocolate Chip Day, National Tuberous Sclerosis Day, National Women's Check-up Day, Nylon Stockings Day, Peace Officer Memorial Day, National Employee Health And Fitness Day, Straw Hat Day and Turn Beauty Inside Out Day.

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Quip for the day.....It is a mathematical fact that 50% of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------another oldie but goodie........

A bear is chasing an atheist in the woods and is about to pounce. The atheist falls on the ground and cries out to God.

Time stands still.  The scene is bathed in bright light.  The bear freezes in mid-stride.  The forest is silent.

A voice comes from above.  "You deny my existence for all these years, but now you want my help?"

The atheist whimpers, "You're right.  I know I can't ask you to treat me as a Christian, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"It is done!" the voice booms.

The bright light is withdrawn.  The sounds of the forest are heard again. The bear drops to his knees, brings his paws together and prays:

"Oh, Lord, I thank thee for thy bounty.  Bless this meat I have received of thy goodness!"

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Today is Thursday, May 16, the 136th day of the year.  There are 229 days left in the year.

In 1868, the U.S. Senate failed by one vote to convict President Andrew Johnson as it took its first ballot on the 11 articles of impeachment against him.

In 1913, Jazz musician and bandleader Woody Herman was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

In 1918, Congress passed the Sedition Act, a piece of legislation designed to protect America's participation in World War I.

In 1929, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences handed out its first awards in Los Angeles.  The awards were dubbed "Oscars" in 1939.

In 1964, Motown Records recorded its first hit record.  It was Mary Wells recording of "My Guy."

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Today-----Actor George Gaynes is 96, Actor Danny Tejo is 69, Jazz drummer Billy Cobham is 69, Children's author Bruce Coville is 63, Musician Jonathan Richman (The Modern) is 62 and Actor Pierce Brosnan is 60.

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May 16th is:  Biographer's Day and National Sea Monkey Day.

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Quip for the day.....An atheist is a person with no invisible means of support.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------smart kid.....

One day, the President visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and the First Lady were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

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Today is Friday, May 17, the 137th day of the year.  There are 228 days left in the year.

In 1792, The New York Stock Exchange began when some brokers met under a tree on Wall Street in New York.

In 1849, a fire in St. Louis, Missouri, killed three people and destroyed 400 buildings and some two dozen steamships.

In 1954, in Brown v. Board of Education, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously that racial segregation in public education facilities is unconstitutional.

In 1973, a special committee convened by the U.S. Senate began televised hearings into the Watergate scandal.

In 2000, the final episode of "Beverly Hills, 90210" aired after ten seasons.

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Today------Author Gary Paulsen is 74, Actor Peter Gerety is 73, Singer Taj Mahal is 71, Singer-songwriter Jesse Winchester is 69, Rock musician Bill Bruford is 64 and TV personality Kathleen Sullivan is 60.

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May 17th is:  Endangered  Species Day, International Virtual Assistant Day, NASCAR Day, National Bike To Work Day, National Defense Transportation Day, National Pizza Party Day, World Hypertension Day, World Information Society Day, World Telecommunications Day and World Neurofibromatosis Day.

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Quip for the day...........I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----funny.....

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City.  He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's
Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says in a solemn voice:

"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ."

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Today is Saturday, May 18, the 138th day of the year.  There are 227 days left in the year.

In 1863, during the Civil War, the Siege of Vicksburg began.  It ended on July 4 with a Union victory.

In 1896, in Plessy v. Ferguson, the Supreme Court endorsed "separate but equal" racial segregation, a concept renounced 58 years later in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka.

In 1910, Halley's Comet passed by Earth, brushing it with its tail.

In 1917, the U.S. Congress passed the Selective Service Act.

In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure creating the Tennessee Valley Authority.

In 1980, Mount St. Helens in Washington erupted killing 57 people.

In 2004, major league pitcher Randy Johnson, of the Arizona Diamondbacks, became the oldest pitcher to pitch a perfect game. The Diamondbacks beat the Atlanta Braves, 2-0.

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Today-----Actor Bill Macy is 91, Hall-of-Fame Sportscaster Jack Whitaker is 89, Actor Robert Morse is 82, Actor Dwayne Hickman is 79, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Brooks Robinson is 76, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Reggie Jackson is 67, Country singer Joe Bonsall (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 65 and Country singer George Strait is 61.

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May 18th is:  Armed Forces Day, HIV Vaccine Awareness Day, I Love Reeses Day, International Museum Day, Mother Whistler Day, National Learn To Swim Day, O. Henry Pun-Off Day and Visit Your Relatives Day.

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Quip for the day........If at first you DO succeed, try not to look too surprised.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah.....

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV.  The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

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Today is Sunday, May 19, the 139th day of the year.  There are 226 days left in the year.

In 1780, a mysterious darkness developed much of New England and part of Canada.  It was attributed to smoke from forest fires and general cloudy weather conditions.

In 1921, Congress passed, and President Warren G. Harding signed, the Emergency Quota Act, establishing national quotas for immigrants.

In 1994, former First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died.

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Today-------Actress Renee Asherson is 98, Author Pauline Clark is 92, PBS newscaster Jim Lehrer is 79, TV personality David Hartman is 78, Actor James Fox is 74, Actress Nancy Kwan is 74, TV host Bob Simon is 72, Actor Peter Mayhew is 69, Rock singer-composer Pete Townsend (The Who) is 68, Concert pianist David Helfgott is 66, Actress-singer Grace Jones is 65, Rock singer-musician Dusty Hill (ZZ Top) is 64 and Football quarterback Archie Manning is 64.

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May 19th is:  Boys Club Day, May Ray Day, Mike, The Headless Chicken Day (19-20), National Asian and Pacific Islander HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, Neighbor Day, Pentecost and World Autoimmune Arthritis Day (19-21).

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Quip for the day........Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.

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Larryj