another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------Cowboy wisdom......

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

If you're leading the herd, take a look back now and then and make sure it's still there.

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Today is Wednesday, May 1, the 121st day of the year.  There are 244 days left in the year.

In 1863, during the Civil War, the Battle of Chancellorsville began.

In 1898, Commodore George Dewey gave the command, "You may fire when you are ready, Gridley," as an American naval force destroyed a Spanish squadron in Manila Bay during the Spanish-American War.

In 1931, the Empire State Building in New York City was dedicated.

In 1960, an American U-2 spy plane, piloted by France Gary Powers, was shot down over Russia.  Powers was released in 1962.

In 1961, the first U.S. airline hijacking took place as Antulio Ramirez Ortiz forced a National Airlines plane to fly to Cuba.

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Today--------Former astronaut Scott Carpenter is 86, Singer Judy Collins is 74 and Singer Rita Coolidge is 68.

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May 1st is:  Amtrak Day, Batman Day, Executive Coaching Day, Global Love Day, Keep Kids Alive!  Drive 25 Day, Law Day, Lei Day, Loyalty Day, May Day, Mother Goose Day, National Bubba Day, New Homeowner's Day, School Principal's Day, Silver Star Day and Stepmother's Day.

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Quip for the day........The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything and the young know everything.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------punny day......

Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Sleeping comes naturally to me.  I could do it with my eyes closed.

Don't trust people who do acupuncture.  They're back stabbers.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?  A tire.

If you get on a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack, don't say, "Hi, Jack!"

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Today is Thursday, May 2, the 122nd day of the year.  There are 243 days left in the year.

In 1863, during the Civil War, Confederate Gen. Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson was accidentally wounded by his own men at Chancellorsville, Virginia; he died eight days later.

In 1945, the Soviet Union announced the fall of Berlin, and the Allies announced the surrender of Nazi troops in Italy and parts of Austria.

In 1957, Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy, R-Wis., died at Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland.

In 2011, Osama Bin Laden was killed in Pakistan by American forces, then quickly buried at sea after a decade on the run.

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Today------Actor Theodore Bikel is 89, Singer Engelbert Humperdinck is 77, Actress and political activist Bianca Jagger is 68, Singer Leslie Gore is 67, Actor David Suchet is 67, Singer-songwriter Larry Gatlin is 65 and Rock singer Lou Gramm (Foreigner) is 63.

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May 2nd is:  Martin Z. Mollusk Day, National Day Of Prayer, National Day Of Reason and Roberts Rules Of Order Day.

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Quip for the day.......Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's the first time in your life you really don't care what time it is?

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Larryj

[W. Gray]

From LarryJ, above
"If you get on a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack, don't say, 'Hi, Jack!'"

Reminds me of a hard of hearing lumber jack in the northwest by the name of Tim Burr.

[larryJ]

Today's--------aha.......

Two lawyers, Jon and David, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers David a $50 bet. David agrees and they're off. They do a great game. After the 8th hole, David is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball. Look over there,'" he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither have any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, David secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.

"After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"

"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"

"And you're a liar, too!" Jon says. "I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

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Today is Friday, May 3, the 123rd day of the year.  There are 242 days left in the year.

In 1802, Washington, D.C., was incorporated as a city.

In 1913, Clorox had its beginnings as five entrepreneurs agreed to set up a liquid bleach factory in Oakland.

In 1973, Chicago's 110-story Sears Tower (now the Willis Tower) was topped out after two years of construction, becoming the world's tallest building for the next 25 years.

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Today-------Folk singer Pete Seeger is 94, Actress Ann B. Davis is 87, Actor Alex Cord is 80, Singer Frankie Valli is 79, Sports announcer Greg Gumbel is 67, Pop singer Mary Hopkin is 63 and Singer Christopher Cross is 62.

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May 3rd is:  Garden Meditation Day, Hug Your Cat Day, Lumpy Rug Day, National Special-abled Pets Day, National Two Different Colored Shoes Day, No Pants Day, Paranormal Day, Public Radio Day, Tuba Day, World Press Freedom Day.

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Quip for the day.......When I was born, God said I could have a great memory, or be great in bed......Oh, darn, I forgot what I was going to tell you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah......

A guy picks up a girl in a bar and they go out to Lover's Lane for a little romance.  When they get there the girl says, "I have to be honest with you.  I'm a prostitute and I have to charge you $25."

The guy thinks about this for a few minutes, then agrees and they continue on with their romance.

Afterwards, when they are ready to leave, the guy says, "I have to be honest with you, also.  I am a cab driver and the fare back to town is $25."

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Today is Saturday, May 4, the 124th day of the year.  There are 241 days left in the year.

In 1626, Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on present-day Manhattan Island.

In 1776, Rhode Island declared its freedom from England two months before the Declaration of Independence was adopted.

In 1862, after a month-long siege, Union forces prepared to unleash a massive bombardment against Confederate troops at Yorktown, Virginia, only to discover the Confederates had slipped away during the night.

In 1885, at Haymarket Square in Chicago, a labor demonstration for an 8-hour work day turned into a deadly riot.

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Today--------Opera singer Roberta Peters is 83, Jazz musician Ron Carter is 76, Rock musician Dick Dale is 76, Pop singer Peggy Santiglia (The Angels) is 69, Actor Richard Jenkins is 65 and Country singer Stella Parton is 64.

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May 4th is:  Armed Forces Day Military-Amateur Crossband Communications Day, Bladder Cancer Awareness Day, Free Comic Book Day, Intergalactic Star Wars Day, International Firefighters Day, International Space Day, International Respect For Chickens Day, Join Hands Day, National Homebrew Day, National Day To Prevent Teen Pregnancy, National Scrapbooking Day, Space Day and World Give Day.

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Quip for the day........It is important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----gotcha.......

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

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Today is Sunday, May 5, the 125th day of the year.  There are 240 days left in the year.

In 1862, Mexico defeated French forces in the Battle of Puebla.  (Cinco de Mayo marks Mexico's victory.)

In 1891, New York's Carnegie Hall (then named "Music Hall") opened.

In 1904, Boston Red Sox pitcher Cy Young pitched a perfect game against the Detroit Tigers.

In 1925, John T. Scopes was charged in Tennessee with violating a law banning teaching the theory of evolution.  (Scopes was found guilty, but his conviction was set aside.)

In 1961, Navy Commander Alan B. Shepard became the first American astronaut to travel into space.  (The flight lasted 15 minutes and reached an altitude of 116 miles into the atmosphere.)

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Today--------Actress Pat Carroll is 86, Actor Lance Henriksen is 73, Comedian-actor Michael Palin is 70, Actor John Rhys-Davies is 69, Rock correspondent Kurt Loder is 68 and Rock musician Bill Ward (Black Sabbath) is 65.

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May 5th is:  Cinco de Mayo, Cartoonists Day, Childhood Stroke Awareness Day, International Midwives Day, National Infertility Survival Day.  Totally Chipotle Day, World Laughter Day, International Baby Lost Mother's Day and Motorcycle Mass and Blessing Of The Bikes Day.

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Quip for the day............Alimony is the cash surrender value of a husband.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------funny........

A woman in a grocery store observes a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson.  It's obvious that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and soda pop in the soda pop aisle.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around the store, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long.  Easy now."

The boy throws another tantrum and the woman hears Grandpa say, calmly, "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.  Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the boy is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandpa says in a soothing voice, "Relax, William.  We'll be home in five minutes.  Be cool."

Very impressed, the woman approaches the grandfather outside as he loads his groceries and the boy into the car.  She says to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.  I don't know how you did it.  That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you didn't lose you temper and didn't withhold you love.  William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks very much," the grandfather says, "But I'm William.  This wretched little monster is Kevin."

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Today is Monday, May 6, the 126th day of the year.  There are 239 days left in the year.

In 1863, during the Civil War, the Battle of Chancellorsville in Virginia ended with a Confederate victory over Union forces.

In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an executive order creating the Works Progress Administration (WPA.)

In 1937, the hydrogen-filled German airship Hindenburg burned and crashed in Lakehurst, New Jersey, killing 35 of the 97 people on board and a Navy crewman on the ground.

In 1940, writer John Steinbeck won a Pulitzer Prize for "Grapes of Wrath."

In 1942, during World War II, some 15,000 Americans and Filipinos on Corregidor surrendered to Japanese forces.

In 1954, in Oxford, England, 25-year-old Roger Bannister became the first person to run a mile in less than 4 minutes. (3 minutes, 59.4 seconds.)

In 2004, the final episode of "Friends" aired on NBC.

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Today------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays is 82, Rock singer Bob Seger is 68, Actor Alan Dale is 65 and Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair is 60.

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May 6th is:  Joseph Brackett Day, Melanoma Day, No Diet Day, No Homework Day and Nurses Day or National RN Recognition Day.

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Quip for the day........I used to compete in sports a lot.  Then I discovered you can buy trophies.  Now I am good at everything.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah......

Patient:  Oh no!  I'm in a hospital!  Why am I here?
Doctor:  You've had a terrible accident involving a bus.
Patient:  Oh no!
Doctor:  Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Patient:  Give me the bad news first.
Doctor:  Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient:  Oh no!  That's awful.  What's the good news?
Doctor:  There's a guy in the next ward who has made a good offer on your Nikes.

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Today is Tuesday, May 7, the 127th day of the year.  There are 238 days left in the year.

In 1789, the first inaugural ball was held in New York in honor of President George Washington and his wife, Martha.

In 1901, Actor Gary Cooper was born in Helena, Montana.

In 1915, nearly 1,200 people died when a German torpedo sank the British liner RMS Lusitania off the Irish coast.

In 1945, Germany surrendered unconditionally to Allied forces in Reims, France.

In 1954, in Vietnam, Viet Minh forces defeated the French at Dien Bien Phu.

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Today---------Singer Jimmy Ruffin is 74, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Thelma Houston is 67 and Rock musician Bill Kreutzmann (Grateful Dead) is 67.

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May 7th is:  Accountants Day, Childhood Depression Awareness Day, National Teacher Day and World Asthma Day.

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Quip for the day........If you can't bite, don't show your teeth.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---mother's day is coming......

You know you are a mom when...........

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the "Barney" song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth.  However, your children are in school.
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots and applesauce.
You spend a half-hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your child say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones pushed up on your head."
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

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Today is Wednesday, May 8, the 128th day of the year.  There are 237 days left in the year.

In 1541, Spanish explorer Hernando de Soto reached the mouth of the Mississippi River.

In 1884, the 33rd president of the United States, Harry S. Truman, was born in Lamar, Missouri.

In 1886, Atlanta pharmacist John Pemberton invented the flavor syrup for Coca-Cola.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced on radio that Nazi Germany's forces had surrendered.

In 1950, flash floods in Nebraska killed 23 people.

In 1973, the AIM (American Indian Movement) occupation of Wounded Knee, South Dakota, came to an end.  The occupation lasted 71 days.

In 1984, the Soviet Union announced it would boycott the 1984 Olympics.

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Today--------Comedian Don Rickles is 87, Naturalist Sir David Attenborough is 87, Jazz musician Keith Jarrett is 68, Rock musician  Chris Frantz (Talking Heads) is 62, Rockabilly singer Billy Burnette is 60 and Rock musician Alex Van Halen is 60.

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May 8th is:  Donate A Day's Wages To Charity, National Children's Mental Health Awareness Day, National Night Shift Workers Day, No Socks Day, Occupational Safety And Health Day, VE Day and World Red Cross Day.

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Quip for the day.......I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------some quickies.....groaners

Son:  Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants?
Dad:  No.
Son:  Then it's a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping!

Sunday School teacher:  Tell me, Johnny, do you say prayers before eating?
Johnny:  No, ma'am, I don't have to.  My Mom is a good cook.

Mom:  Paula, eat your carrots!  They're good for you eyes.
Paula:  How do you know?
Mom:  Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Definition of a sweater:  Something you wear when your Mother gets cold.

Q:  Why did the monster's grandmother knit him three socks?
A:  She heard he had grown another foot!

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Today is Thursday, May 9, the 129th day of the year.  There are 236 days left in the year.

In 1712, the Carolina Colony was officially divided into two entities:  North Carolina and South Carolina.

In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed the first Mother's Day holiday.

In 1945, U.S. officials announced that a midnight entertainment curfew was being lifted immediately.

In 1958, "Vertigo," Alfred Hitchcock's eerie thriller starring James Stewart and Kim Novak, premiered in San Francisco, the movie's setting.

In 1971, the last original episode of "The Honeymooners" aired.

In 1974, the House of Representatives opened hearings against President Richard M. Nixon, voting to impeach him on July 30.

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Today-----Actor Albert Finney is 77, Actress-turned-politician Glenda Jackson is 77, Producer-director James L. Brooks is 76, Actress Candice Bergen is 67, Actor Anthony Higgins is 66, Singer Billy Joel is 64 and Actress Amy Hill is 60.

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May 9th is:  Ascension Day, National Moscato Day, Occupational Safety and Health Professionals Day and School Nurse Day.

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Quip for the day......If Dorothy can click her heels and get to Kansas, why can't I click my flip-flops and get to the beach?

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Larryj