another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah.....

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."

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Today is Sunday, April 21, the 111th day of the year.  There are 254 days left in the year.

In 1789, John Adams was sworn in as the first vice president of the United States.

In 1790, Benjamin Franklin was buried in what was the most elaborate of funerals in Philadelphia.

In 1836, an army of Texans led by Sam Houston defeated the Mexicans at San Jacinto, assuring Texas independence.

In 1862, Congress established the U.S. Mint in Denver.

In 1898, the United States declared war on Spain.

In 1948, the first Polaroid camera was sold in the U.S.

In 1955, the Jerome Lawrence-Robert Lee play "Inherit the Wind," inspired by the Scopes trial of 1925, opened at the National Theatre in New York.

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Today--------Britain's Queen Elizabeth II is 87, Actress-comedian-writer Elaine May is 81, Actor Charles Grodin is 78, Singer-musician Iggy Pop is 66 and Actor Tony Danza is 62.

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April 21st is:  Kindergarten Day and National Chocolate-covered Cashews Day.

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Quip for the day.........from Bill Cosby........"A word to the wise ain't necessary...........it's the stupid ones who need the advice."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah.......

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.  The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

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Today is Monday, April 22, the 112th day of the year.  There are 253 days left in the year.

In 1864, Congress authorized the use of the phrase "In God We Trust" on U.S. coins.

In 1889, the Oklahoma Land Rush began.

In 1938, 45 workers were killed in a coal mine explosion at Keen Mountain in Buchanan County, Virginia.

In 1952, an atomic test in Nevada became the first nuclear explosion shown on live network television as a 31-kiloton bomb was dropped from a B-50 Superfortress.

In 1970, millions of Americans concerned about the environment observed the first "Earth Day."

In 1994, former President Richard M. Nixon died four days after suffering a stroke.  He was 81.

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Today------Actress Estelle Harris is 81, Singer Glen Campbell is 77, Actor Jack Nicholson is 76, Singer Mel Carter is 70, Author Janet Evanovich is 70, Movie director John Waters is 67 and Singer Peter Frampton is 63.

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April 22nd is:  "In God We Trust" Day, Chemists Celebrate The Earth Day, Earth Day, Girl Scout Leaders Day and National Jelly Bean Day.

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Quip for the day......Antique is a magic word that makes something old and useless suddenly priceless.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------wait for the moral.....

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.  "I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was.  Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie and popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"  Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you dummy!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

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Today is Tuesday, April 23, the 113th day of the year.  There are 252 days left in the year.

In 1789, President-elect George Washington and his wife, Martha, moved into the first executive mansion, the Franklin House in New York.

In 1791, the 15th President of the United States, James Buchanan, was born in Pennsylvania.

In 1954, Hank Aaron of the Milwaukee Braves hit the first of his record 755 major-league home runs in a game against the St. Louis Cardinals.

In 1986, director-producer and character actor Otto Preminger died at age 80.

In 1993, Labor leader Cesar Chavez died in San Luis, Arizona, at age 66.

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Today------Actress-turned-diplomat Shirley Temple Black is 85, Actor Lee Majors is 74, Actress Blair Brown is 65, Writer-director Paul Brickman is 64, Actress Joyce DeWitt is 64 and Actor James Russo is 60.

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April 23rd is:  Movie Theater Day, International Marconi Day, National Teach Your Children To Save Day, Talk Like Shakespeare Day, World Book & Copyright Day and World Book Night.

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Quip for the day..........An autobiography is a book that reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------old, but one of my favorites.......

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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Today is Wednesday, April 24, 114th day of the year.  There are 251 days left in the year.

In 1800, Congress approved a bill establishing the Library of Congress.

In 1898, Spain declared war on the United States.

In 1980, the United States launched an unsuccessful attempt to free the American hostages in Iran, a mission that resulted in the deaths of eight U.S. servicemen.

In 1990, the Hubble Space Telescope was launched.

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Today-----Film and drama critic Stanley Kauffmann is 97, Movie director-producer Richard Donner is 83, Actress Shirley MacLaine is 79, Author Sue Grafton is 73, Actor-singer Michael Parks is 73, Actress-singer-director Barbra Streisand is 71 and Former Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley is 71.

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April 24th is:  Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day and Administrative Professionals Day or Secretary's Day.

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Quip for the day......College is the only vacation a man gets between his mother and his wife.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------true.......

A judge in a small town was hearing a drunk driving case and the defendant who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.  It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out into the hall looking to impanel anyone available.  He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.  The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty.  The jury went into deliberation, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.  After nearly three hours, the judge sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? No way.  They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

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Today is Thursday, April 25, the 115th day of the year.  There are 250 days left in the year.

In 1507, a world map produced by German cartographer Martin Waldseemueller contained the first recorded use of the term "America," in honor of Italian navigator Amerigo Vespucci.

In 1684, a patent was granted for the thimble.

In 1862, during the Civil War, a Union fleet under Flag Officer David G. Farragut captured New Orleans.

In 1901, New York became the first state to require license plates for cars.  The fee was $1.

In 1979, the film "Rock and Roll High School," starring the Ramones, premiered.

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Today---------Movie director-writer Paul Mazursky is 83, Actor Al Pacino is 73, Ballroom dance judge Len Goodman ("Dancing With The Stars") is 69, Rock musician Stu Cook (Creedence Clearwater Revival) is 68, Singer Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA) is 68, Actress Talia Shire is 67 and Actor Jeffrey DeMunn is 66.

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April 25th is:  DNA Day, Hairstylists Appreciation Day, Malaria Awareness Day, Hug A Plumber Day, Red Hat Society Day, World Penguin Day and Take Our Daughters and Sons To Work Day.

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Quip for the day........Life is a card game.  During the first half you get birthday cards and during the second half.....get well cards.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------Lazy rules......

1.  The farther away the remote is, the more you like what's already on TV.
2.  If you have to say something more than once, it's not worth the energy.
3.  If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
4.  I'll tell you later.
5.  Don't charge your phone until it says 5% remaining.
6.  If it is not on the first search page on Google, it doesn't exist.
7.  Don't make your bed when you are just going to get back in it.
8.  If you are late, don't go.
9.  If you drop an ice cube, just kick it under the fridge.

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Today is Friday, April 26, the 116th day of the year.  There are 249 days left in the year.

In 1607, English colonists went ashore at present-day Cape Henry, Virginia, on an expedition to establish the first permanent English settlement in the Western Hemisphere.

In 1785, American naturalist, hunter and artist John James Audubon was born in present-day Haiti.

In 1865, John Wilkes Booth, the assassin of President Abraham Lincoln, was surrounded by federal troops near Port Royal, Virginia, and killed.

In 1952, the destroyer-minesweeper USS Hobson sank in the Central Atlantic after colliding with the aircraft carrier USS Wasp with the loss of 176 crew members.

In 1973, the Chicago Board Options Exchange held its first day of trading.

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Today-------Movie composer Frances Lai ("Love Story") is 81, Actress-comedian Carol Burnett is 80, Rhythm-and-blues singer Maurice Williams is 75, Songwriter-musician Duane Eddy is 75 and Singer Bobby Rydell is 71.

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April 26th is:  Bob Wills Day (25-27), Arbor Day and National Hairball Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day......Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------gotcha.......

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Get in."

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Today is Saturday, April 27, the 117th day of the year.  There are 248 days left in the year.

In 1773, Parliament passed the Tea Act.

In 1777, the only land battle in Connecticut in the Revolutionary War, the battle of Ridgefield, took place.

In 1813, the Battle of York took place in Upper Canada during the War of 1812 as a U.S. force defeated the British garrison in present-day Toronto before withdrawing.

In 1813, explorer Zebulon Pike, after which Pike's Peak in Colorado is named, died.

In 1822, the 18th president of the United States, Ulysses S. Grant, was born.

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Today-------Actress Anouk Aimee is 81, Announcer Casey Kasem is 81, Actress Judy Carne is 74, Rhythm-and-blues singer Cuba Gooding is 69, Singer Ann Peebles is 66, Rock singer Kate Pierson (The B-52's) is 65, Rhythm-and-blues singer Herbie Murrell (The Stylistics) is 64 and Actor Douglas Sheehan is 64.

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April 27th is:  Babe Ruth Day, Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day, Mantanzas Mule Day, Morse Code Day, Eeyore's Birthday Day, National Go Birding Day, National Rebuilding Day, Penguin Day, Save The Frogs Day, Sense Of Smell Day, World Healing Day and World Veterinary Day.

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Quip for the day.........seen on Facebook......A Chuck Norris line...........I was pulled over by a policeman once.  I let him go with a warning.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah......

Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." Danny says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Andy knocks at Shirley's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"

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Today is Sunday, April 28, the 118th day of the year.  There are 247 days left in the year.

In 1758, the fifth U.S. president of the United States, James Monroe, was born in Westmoreland County, Virginia.

In 1788, Maryland ratified the U.S. Constitution, the seventh state to do so.

In 1789, rebelling crew members of the British ship HMS Bounty led by Fletcher Christian set Capt. William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in a launch in the South Pacific.

In 1967, heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused induction into the Army.

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Today-----Pulitzer Prize-winning author Harper Lee is 87, Former Secretary of State James A. Baker is 83, Actress Ann-Margret is 72, "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno is 63, Actress Mary McDonnell is 60 and Rock musician Kim Gordon (Sonic Youth) is 60.

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April 28th is:  Biological Clock Day, National Pet Parent's Day, Mother, Father Deaf Day and Workers Memorial Day.

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Quip for the day........If you cross a pigeon with a woodpecker you get a bird that carries messages and knocks on doors.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------funny......

A very elderly man applied for a job as a lumberjack at a local lumber mill.  During the interview, he was asked if his age would be a handicap.

The interviewer said, "Are you sure you are up to the hard work involved?"

The old man dropped down and did 100 one-handed pushups without even breaking a sweat.

The interviewer was very impressed.  "OK," he said, "you certainly pass the physical part of the test, but do you have any real experience as a lumberjack?"  The man said he indeed had many years of experience.  The interviewer asked for specifics.

"Well," said the old man, "I'm most proud of my work in clearing the Sahara Forest."

"What?" said the interviewer, "The Sahara is a desert!"

And the old man said, "Sure, NOW it is."

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Today is Monday, April 29, the 119th day of the year.  There are 246 days left in the year.

In 1861, the Maryland House of Delegates voted 53-13 against seceding from the Union.

In 1861, in Montgomery, Alabama, President Jefferson Davis asked the Confederate Congress for the authority to wage war.

In 1863, newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst was born in San Francisco.

In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon announced he was releasing edited transcripts of some secretly made White House tape recordings related to Watergate.

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Today------Poet Rod McKuen is 80, Actor Keith Baxter is 80, Bluesman Otis Rush is 79, Conductor Zubin Mehta is 77, Pop singer Bob Miranda  (The Happenings) is 71, Country singer Duane Allen (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 70, Singer Tommy James is 66, Movie director Phillip Noyce is 63 and Country musician Wayne Secrest (Confederate Railroad) is 63.

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April 29th is:  National Dance Day, "Peace" Rose Day, Pinhole Photography Day and Zipper Day.

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Quip for the day......You must speak up to be heard, but sometimes you must shut up to be appreciated.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----uh oh......

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for complete checkup.  Afterwards, the doctor shakes his head and announces, "I'm afraid I have some very bad news."

The man gasps and says, "What is it?"

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh no!  How long have I got?"

"Ten."

"Ten! Ten what?  Months?  Weeks?  Days?"

The doctor interrupts, "Nine......."

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Today is Tuesday, April 30, the 120th day of the year.  There are 245 days left in the year.

In 1789, George Washington took office in New York as the first president of the United States.

In 1803, the United States purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for 60 million francs, the equivalent of about $15 million.

In 1939, the New York World's Fair opened with a ceremony that included an address by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

In 1945, as Russian troops approached his Berlin bunker, Adolf Hitler committed suicide along with his wife of one day, Eva Braun.

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Today------Actress Cloris Leachman is 87, Singer Willie Nelson is 80, Actor Burt Young is 73, Actor Perry King is 65 and singer Merrill Osmond is 60.

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April 30th is:  Bugs Bunny Day, International Jazz Day, National Honesty Day, Spank Out Day--USA, Walpurgis Night and World Healing Day.

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Quip for the day.......Having a luxury car doesn't mean you have money.  It means you once had money.

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Larryj