another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah........

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, and their conversation drifted from the subject of politics to cooking.

"I bought a cookbook once," said one of them, "but I never could do anything with it.  I didn't use it a single time."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" the other said, with a knowing chuckle.

"You said it," the first one said.  "Every one of the recipes began the same way:  'Take a clean dish.'"

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Today is Thursday, April 11, the 101st day of 2013.  There are 264 days left in the year.

In 1921, Iowa became the first state to impose a cigarette tax, at 2 cents a package.

In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the notorious Nazi concentration camp Buchenwald in Germany.

In 1951, President Harry S. Truman relieved Gen. Douglas MacArthur of his commands in the Far East.

In 1953, Oveta Culp Hobby became the first Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare.

In 1970, Apollo 13, with astronauts James Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swigert, blasted off on its ill-fated mission to the moon.

In 1983, at the Academy Awards, "Gandhi" was named best picture; its star, Ben Kingsley, won best actor while Meryl Streep received the best actress Oscar for "Sophie's Choice."

In 1988, "The Last Emperor" won best picture at the Academy Awards ceremony; Cher won best actress for "Moonstruck."  Michael Douglas best actor for "Wall Street."

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Today-----Ethel Kennedy is 85, Actor Joel Gray is 81, Actress Louise Lasser is 74, Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Ellen Goodman is 72, Movie writer-director John Milius is 69, Actor Peter Riegert is 66, Actor Meshach Taylor is 66, Movie director Carl Franklin is 64 and Actor Bill Irwin is 63.

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April 11th is: Barbershop Quartet Day, International "Louie Louie" Day, National Pet Day and World Parkinson's Disease Day.

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Quip for the day.........I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Walmart Superstore site.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------uh oh........

I have some complaints about my doctor, or my former doctor, I should say.

I went in yesterday for a follow-up consultation about a recent physical exam.  The doctor sat uncomfortably in his chair and just stared at me for awhile.  He seemed reluctant to speak.

Finally, he said, "Before I begin, do you have any questions?"

Well, of course, I did.  I asked him if there was something wrong with me, and did I need to worry, and was I going to be OK, and was I going to die?

He offered vague answers to each one.  He said nothing of substance.  Finally, he took a pad and pen and started writing.

He said, "Look, I'm not the one to push the panic button, so I'm referring you to a doctor who is."

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Today is Friday, April 12, the 102nd day of 2013.  There are 263 days left in the year.

In 1861, the American Civil War began as Confederate forces opened fire on Fort Sumter in South Carolina.

In 1862, Union volunteers stole a Confederate locomotive near Marietta, Georgia, and headed toward Chattanooga, Tennessee, on a mission to sabotage as much of the rail line as the could; the raiders were caught.

In 1877, the catcher's mask was first used in a baseball game by James Tyng of Harvard in a game against the Lynn Live Oaks.

In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt died of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, Georgia, at age 63; he was succeeded by Vice President Harry S. Truman.

In 1955, the Salk vaccine against polio was declared safe and effective.

In 1961, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the first man to fly in space, orbiting the earth once before making a safe landing.

In 1963, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was arrested and jailed in Birmingham, Alabama, charged with contempt of court and parading without a permit.  (During his time behind bars, King wrote his "Letter from Birmingham Jail"; he was released on bond on April 20.)

In 1981, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off from Cape Canaveral on its first test flight.

In 1981, former world heavyweight boxing champion Joe Louis died in Las Vegas, Nevada, at age 66.

In 1983, Chicagoans went to the polls to elect Harold Washington the city's first black mayor.

In 1985, Sen. Jake Garn, R-Utah, became the first sitting member of Congress to fly in space as the shuttle Discovery lifted off.

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Today--------Country singer Ned Miller is 88, Actress Jane Withers is 87, Jazz musician Herbie Hancock is 73, Actor Frank Bank ("Leave it to Beaver") is 71, Rock singer John Kay (Steppenwolf) is 69, Actor Ed O'Neill is 67, Author Tom Clancy is 66, Actor Dan Lauria is 66, Talk show host David Letterman is 66, Author Scott Turow is 64, Singer David Cassidy is 63 and Actor-playwright Tom Noonan is 62.

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April 12th is:  D.E.A.R. Day (aka Drop Everything and Read), Grill Cheese Sandwich Day, International Day of Human Space Flight, Licorice Day and Walk On Your Wild Side Day.

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Quip for the day.....Never eat more than you can lift.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------yep.......

TEXTING FOR SENIORS.......

BFF-----Best Friend's Funeral.
BTW----Bring The Wheelchair.
BYOB---Bring Your Own Bedpan.
DWI----Driving While Incontinent.
LMFAO-Laughing My Flabby Abs Off.
LOL-----Living On Lipitor.
OMG----Oh, My!  Gas!

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Today is Saturday, April 13, the 103rd day of the year.  There are 262 days left in the year.

In 1613, Pocahontas, daughter of Chief Powhattan, was captured by English Capt. Samuel Argall in Virginia and held in exchange for English prisoners and stolen weapons.  (During a yearlong captivity, Pocahontas converted to Christianity and ultimately opted to stay with the English.)

In 1742, Handel's "Messiah" had its first public performance in Dublin, Ireland.

In 1743, the third president of the United States, Thomas Jefferson, was born in Shadwell in the Virginia Colony.

In 1860, the Pony Express completed its inaugural run from St. Joseph, Missouri, to Sacramento, California, in 10 days.

In 1861, at the start of the Civil War, Fort Sumner in South Carolina fell to Confederate forces.

In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt dedicated the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C., on the 200th anniversary of the third American president's birth.

In 1958, Van Cliburn of the United States won the first international Tchaikovsky Competition for piano in Moscow, Russia.

In 1964, Sidney Poitier became the first black performer in a leading role to win an Academy Award for "Lilies of the Field."  (Patricia Neal was named Best Actress for "Hud"; best picture went to "Tom Jones.")

In 1970, Apollo 13, four-fifths of the way to the moon, was crippled when a tank containing liquid oxygen burst.  (The astronauts managed to return safely.)

In 1992, the Great Chicago Flood took place as the city's century-old tunnel system and adjacent basements filled with water from the Chicago River.

In 2003, Mike Weir became the first Canadian to win the Masters after the first sudden-death playoff in 13 years.

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Today--------Movie director Stanley Donen is 89, Actor Lyle Waggoner is 78, Actor Edward Fox is 76, Actor Paul Sorvino is 74, Movie-TV composer Bill Conti is 71, Rock musician Jack Cassidy is 69, Actor Tony Dow is 68, Singer Al Green is 67, Actor Ron Perlman is 63, Actor William Sadler is 63, Singer Peabo Bryson is 62 and Bandleader/rock musician Max Weinberg is 62.

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April 13th is:  Thomas Jefferson Day, Scrabble Day and Baby Massage Day.

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Quip for the day.....(from a FB friend)......I feel the urge to do some housework........no, wait..........False alarm.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah.......

Two ladies struck up a conversation during a long wait at the airport.  The first was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.  The second was a well-mannered woman from the South.

When the discussion turned to husbands, the California woman said, "You know, right after our marriage my husband built us a beautiful mansion."

The Southern lady said, "Well, bless your heart!"

"And he bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

"Well, bless your heart!"

"He also bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

"Well, bless your heart!"

"So, what about your husband?"

"My husband paid for me to go to charm school."

"Charm school?  What on earth for?"

"Well, for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a hoot?' I learned to say 'Well, bless your heart!'''

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Today is Sunday, April 14, the 104th day of the year.  There are 261 days left in the year.

In 1775, the first American society for the abolition of slavery was formed in Philadelphia.

In 1828, the first edition of Noah Webster's "American Dictionary of the English Language" was published.

In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth during a performance of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theater in Washington.

In 1902, James Cash Penney opened his first store, The Golden Rule, in Kemmerer, Wyoming.

In 1910, President William Howard Taft became the first U.S. chief executive to throw the ceremonial first pitch at a baseball game as the Washington Senators beat the Philadelphia Athletics, 3-0.

In 1912, the British liner RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic at 11:40 p.m. ship's time and began sinking.  (The ship went under two hours and 40 minutes later with the loss of 1,514 lives.

In 1939, the John Steinbeck novel "The Grapes of Wrath" was first published by Viking Press.

In 1956, Ampex Corp. demonstrated its videotape recorder at the National Association of Radio and Television Broadcasters convention in Chicago.

In 1960, the musical "Bye Bye Birdie" opened on Broadway.

In 1981, the first test flight of America's first operational space shuttle, the Columbia, ended successfully with a landing at Edwards Air Force Base in California.

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Today-------Actor Bradford Dillman is 83, Actor Jay Robinson is 83, Country singer Loretta Lynn is 81, Actress Julie Christie is 73, Retired MLB All-Star Pete Rose is 72, Rock musician Ritchie Blackmore is 68 and Actor John Shea is 64.

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April 14th is:  Children With Alopecia Day, Dictionary Day, Global Day To End Child Sexual Abuse Day, International Moment Of Laughter Day and Pan American Day.

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Quip for the day.........What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?           Sanka!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------tax jokes.....

Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands...........Jimmy Kimmel.

A fool and his money are soon parted.  The rest of us have to wait for tax day.........Bob Thaves.

Worried about an IRS audit?  Avoid what's called a red flag.  That's something the IRS looks for.  For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes.  That's a red flag..........Jay Leno.

The tax code is about 10 times the size of the Bible and, unlike the Bible, contains no good news.............Don Rickles.

Avoid strong drink.  It can cause you to shoot at tax collectors...........and miss.........Robert A. Heinlein.

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Today is Monday, April 15, the 105th day of the year.  There are 260 days left in the year.

In 1850, the city of San Francisco was incorporated.

In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln died, nine hours after being shot the night before by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theater in Washington.  Andrew Johnson became the nation's 17th president.

In 1912, the British luxury liner RMS Titanic sank in the North Atlantic off Newfoundland at 2:20 a.m. ship's time, more than 2 1/2 hours after striking an iceberg.

In 1943, the Ayn Rand novel "The Fountainhead" was first published by Bobbs-Merrill Co.

In 1947, Jackie Robinson, baseball's first black major league player, made his official debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers on opening day.  (The Dodgers defeated the Boston Braves, 5-3.)

In 1960, a three-day conference to form the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC) began at Shaw University in Raleigh, N.C.  (The group's first chairman was Marion Barry.)

In 2003, Umpire Laz Diaz was attacked by a fan during a game between the Kansas City Royals and Chicago White Sox; the fan, Eric Dybas, was later sentenced to six months in jail and 30 months probation.)

In 2008, Actress Hazel Court, who'd co-starred with Boris Karloff and Vincent Price in horror movies of the 1950's and '60's, died near Lake Tahoe, CA, at age 82.

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Today--------Country singer Roy Clark is 80, Author and politician Jeffrey Archer is 73, Rock singer-guitarist Dave Edmunds is 69, Actor Michael Tucci is 67, Actress Lois Chiles is 66, Writer-producer Linda Bloodworth-Thomason is 66, Actress Amy Wright is 63, Columnist Heloise is 62 and Actor Michael Ansara is 91.

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April 15th is:  Boston Marathon, Income Tax Pay Day, McDonald's Day, Take A Wild Guess Day and That Sucks Day.

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Quip for the day..........April 15 reminds us that some days are more taxing than others.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah.....

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So, Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

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Today is Tuesday, April 16, the 106th day of the year.  There are 259 days left in the year.

In 1789, President-elect George Washington left Mount Vernon, Virginia, for his inauguration in New York.

In 1862, during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia.

In 1862, the Confederacy conscripted all white men between 18 and 35.

In 1972, Apollo 18 blasted off on a voyage to the moon with astronauts John W. Young, Charles M. Duke Jr. and Ken Mattingly on board.

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Today-------Actor Peter Mark Richman is 88, Singer Bobby Vinton is 78, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 66, NFL coach Bill Belichick is 61 and Rock singer-turned-politician Peter Garrett is 60.

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April 16th is:  National Health Care Decisions Day, National Library Worker's Day, National Library Day, National Stress Awareness Day and One Day Without Shoes Day.

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Quip for the day.......I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----a woman's ultimate fantasy.......

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night, when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered. He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.

"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."

Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...

"Clean... my... house."

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Today is Wednesday, April 17, the 107th day of the year.  There are 258 days left in the year.

In 1704, the first successful newspaper was published in Boston.

In 1817, the first U.S. school for the deaf was established in Hartford, Connecticut.

In 1861, Virginia became the 8th state to secede from the Union.

In 1869, the first professional baseball game was played.  The Cincinnati Reds beat the Cincinnati Amateurs, 24-15.

In 1907, 11,745 immigrants arrived at Ellis Island.

In 1964, the Ford Mustang made it debut.  The base price was $2,368.

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Today------Composer-musician Jan Hammer is 65, Actress Olivia Hussey is 62 and Actor Clark Peters is 61.

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April 17th is:  Bat Appreciation Day, Blah! Blah! Blah! Day, Ellis Island Family History Day, National Haiku Poetry Day, Ford Mustang Day, National Bookmobile Day and Nothing Like A Dame Day.

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Quip for the day......Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the answering machine get it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------uh oh......

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

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Today is Thursday, April 18, the 108th day of the year.  There are 257 days left in the year.

In 1775, Paul Revere began his famous ride from Charleston to Lexington, Massachusetts, warning American colonists that the British were coming.

In 1831, the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa was officially opened.'

In 1906, a devastating earthquake struck San Francisco, followed by raging fires;  estimates of the final death toll range between 3,000 and 6,000.

In 1923, the first game was played at the original Yankee Stadium in New York; the Yankees defeated the Boston Red Sox, 4-1.

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Today--------Actress Barbara Hale is 92, Actress Hayley Mills is 67, Actor James Woods is 66 and Actor Rick Moranis is 60.

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April 18th is:  Adult Autism Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, National Ask An Atheist Day, National Columnists Day, National Golf Day, Pet Owners Independence Day, High Five Day, International Amateur Radio Day, National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day, Poem In Your Pocket Day and Support Teen Literature Day.

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Quip for the day........Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------whooo eeeee..........

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"

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Today is Friday, April 19, the 109th day of the year.  There are 256 days left in the year.

In 1764, the English Parliament banned the American colonies from printing paper money.

In 1775, the American Revolution began with the battles of Lexington and Concord.

In 1861, a week after the Civil War began, President Abraham Lincoln authorized the blockade of Southern ports.

In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard.

In 1982, NASA named Sally Ride as the first woman astronaut.

In 1993, the 51-day siege at the Branch Davidian compound near Waco, Texas, ended as fire destroyed the structure after federal agents smashed their way in; dozens of people, including sect leader David Koresh, were killed.

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Today--------Actor Hugh O'Brien is 88 and Musician Bernie Worrell is 69.

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April 19th is:  Day Of Silence, John Parker Day, National Hanging Out Day, Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day and DNA Day.

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Quip for the day.......Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------gotta love them Irish.......

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the house. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"

Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the house, looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly sneaking in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died!  Poor soul!"

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Today is Saturday, April 20, the 110th day of the year.  There are 255 days left in the year.

In 1836, Congress voted to establish the Wisconsin Territory.

In 1861, Col. Robert E. Lee resigned his commission in the U.S. Army.  (Lee went on to become general-in-chief of Confederate forces.)

In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln signed a proclamation admitting West Virginia to the Union, effective in 60 days.

In 1972, the manned lunar module Apollo 16 landed on the moon.

In 1999, the Columbine High School massacre took place in Colorado as two students, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, shot and killed 12 students and one teacher before taking their own lives.

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Today------Actor Leslie Phillips is 89, Sen. Pat Roberts, R-Kan., is 77, Actor George Takei is 76, Singer Johnny Tillotson is 74, Actor Ryan O'Neal is 72, Actor Gregory Itzin is 65 and Actress Jessica Lange is 64.

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April 20th is:  Auctioneers Day, Husband Appreciation Day, National Pot Smokers Day, Record Store Day and Spring Astronomy Day.

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Quip for the day.......The best part of dating homeless girls is that you can drop them off anywhere.

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Larryj