another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------good one.......

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, then says to the bartender, "Hey, would you like to hear a great blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "Go ahead, but before you tell it, I think you should know that the bouncer over there is a blonde, and the owner that just walked in behind you is a blonde, and the person sitting on one side of you is a blonde with a black belt in karate, and the person sitting on the other side of you is a blonde who is a body builder.  Also, even though I happen to shave my head, I'm a blonde, too.  You still want to tell that joke?"

The guy says, "Naw, I don't want to have to explain it five times."

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In 1638, religious dissident Anne Hutchinson was expelled from the Massachussetts Bay Colony for defying Puritan orthodoxy.

In 1765, the British Parliament passed the Stamp Act of 1765 to raise money from the American colonies, which fiercely resisted the tax.

In 1820, U.S. naval hero Stephen Decatur was killed in a duel with Commodore James Barron near Washington, D.C.

In 1894, hockey's first Stanley Cup championship game was played; home team Montreal defeated Ottawa, 3-1.

In 1941, the Grand Coulee hydroelectric dam in Washington state went into operation.

In 1963, The Beatles' debut album, "Please Please Me," was released in the United Kingdom by Parlophone.

In 1978, Karl Wallenda, the 73-year-old patriarch of "The Flying Wallendas" high wire act, fell to his death while attempting to walk a cable strung between two hotel towers in San Juan, Puerto Rico.

In 1988, both houses of Congress overrode President Ronald Reagan's veto of the Civil Rights Restoration Act.

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Today------------Composer-lyricist Stephen Sondheim is 83, Evangelist broadcaster Pat Robertson is 83, Actor William Shatner is 82, Actor M. Emmet Walsh is 78, Actor-singer Jeremy Clyde is 72, Singer-guitarist George Benson is 70, Writer James Patterson is 66, CNN newscaster Wolf Blitzer is 65, Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber is 65, Actress Fanny Ardant is 64 and Sportscaster Bob Costas is 61.

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March 22nd is: As Young As You Feel Day, Education And Sharing Day, International Day Of The Seal, International Goof-off Day and World Water Day.

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Quip for the day.........He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------more blonde.....

Yes, she's a bit of a ditz, but still you have to feel sorry for her.

She went to the doctor, after suffering with terrrible pain for about a week.

She said, "I hurt all over.  I touch my knee and it hurts like crazy."  She demonstrated by touching her knee.  "Ouch!" she cried.

She continued, "I touch my shoulder and it hurts.  Ouch!  I touch my forehead and it hurts.  Ouch!"

The doctor listened patiently, then took the young woman's hand and inspected it.  "I think I see the problem," he said.

"Oh, doctor, what is it?"

"Your finger is broken."

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In 1775, Patrick Henry delivered an address to the Virginia Provincial Convention in which he is said to have declared, "Give me liberty, or give me death."

In 1806, explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, having reached the Pacific coast, began their journey back East.

In 1942, the first Japanese-Americans evacuated by the U.S. Army during World War II arrived at the internment camp in Manzanar, CA.

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Today------Comedian Marty Allen is 91, Runner Sir Roger Bannister is 84, Movie director Mark Rydell is 79, Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Craig Breedlove is 76, Singer-songwriter-musician-producer Ric Ocasek is 64 and Singer Chaka Khan is 60.

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March 23rd is:  Corn Dog Day, National Puppy Day, Near Miss Day, OK Day and World Meteorological Day.

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Quip for the day........No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------quiz time.......

Here are the questions:

1.  Johnny's mother had three children.  The first child was name April.  The second child was name May.  What was the name of the third child?

2.  How much dirt is there is a hole that is two feet by three feet by four feet?

3.  What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

4.  In California, you can't take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.  Why not?

5.  What was the president's name in 1975?

Here are the answers:

1.  Johnny, of course.
2.  There is no dirt in a hole, dummy.
3.  "Incorrectly."
4.  You can't take pictures with a wooden leg.  You have to have a camera, silly.
5.  Barack Obama, duh.

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In 1765, Britain enacted the Quartering Act, requiring American colonists to provide temporary housing to British soldiers.

In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a bill granting future independence to the Phillippines.

In 1958, rock-and-roll singer Elvis Presley was inducted into the Army in Memphis, Tennessee.

In 1989, the supertanker Exxon Valdez ran aground on a reef in Alaska's Prince William Sound and began leaking 11 million gallons of crude oil.

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Today---Poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti is 94, Fashion and designer Bob Mackie is 74, Movie director Curtis Hanson is 68, Rock musician Lee Oskar is 65, Singer Nick Lowe is 64, Rock musician Dougie Thomson is 62, Fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger is 62 and Comedian Louie Anderson is 60.

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March 24th is:  National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day, National Tuberculosis Day and Palm Sunday.

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Quip for the day.......A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------ooooh.....

The big international beer festival has concluded and some of the CEOs decide to celebrate at a nearby bar.

The guy from Corona sits down and says to the bartender, "Hey, senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."  The bartender serves it up.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'll have the King of Beers, a Budweiser."  The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, a Coors."  He gets it.

The guy from Guinness says, "I'll have a Coke."

The others give him shocked looks.  "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" they ask him.

He replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

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In 1776, Gen. George Washington, commander of the Continental Army, was awarded the first Congressional Gold Medal by the Continental Congress.

In 1963, private pilot Ralph Flores and his 21-year-old passenger, Helen Klaben, were rescued after being stranded for seven weeks in brutally cold conditions in the Yukon after their plane crashed.

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Today------Movie reviewer Gene Shalit is 87, Former astronaut James Lovell is 85, Feminist activist and author Gloria Steinem is 79, Singer Anita Bryant is 73, Singer Aretha Franklin is 71, Actor Paul Michael Glaser is 70 and Singer Elton John is 66.

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March 25th is:  International Day of Remembrance of Slavery And The Transatlantic, National Day of Celebration of Greek and American Democracy, National Medal of Honor Day, Old New Years Day, Passover, Pecan Day, Tolkien Reading Day and Waffle Day.

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Quip for the day........I always take life with a grain of salt........plus a slice of lemon......and a shot of tequila.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------bumpersticker day......

I brake for........OH NO!  MY BRAKES ARE OUT!

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Earth first!  We'll stripmine the other planets later.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Gravity.  It's the law!

Don't drink and drive.......you might spill your drink.

My stupid kids can beat up your honor students.

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In 1874, poet Robert Frost was born in San Francisco.

In 1979, a peace treaty was signed by Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin and Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and witnessed by President Jimmy Carter at the White House.

In 1988, Jessie Jackson stunned fellow Democrats by soundly defeating Michael S. Dukakis in Michigan's Democratic presidential caususes.

In 1997, the bodies of 39 members of the Heaven's Gate techno-religious cult who'd committed suicide were found inside a rented mansion in Rancho Santa Fe, CA.

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Today----Conductor-composer Pierre Boulez is 88, Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is 83, Actor-director Leonard Nimoy is 82, Actor Alan Arkin is 79, House Democrat Leader Nancy Pelosi is 73, Actor James Caan is 73, Journalist Bob Woodward  is 70, Singer Diana Ross is 69, Rock singer Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) is 65, Singer and TV personality Vicki Lawrence is 64  and Comedian Martin Short is 63.

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March 26th is:  Legal Assistants Day, Make Up Your Own Holiday Day and American Diabetes Association Alert Day.

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Quip for the day......(more)......My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------bad Easter jokes.....

Q:  What do Easter bunnies get for making a basket?
A:  Two points, just like anyone else.

Q:  How do you make a rabbit stew?
A:  Make it wait for three hours!

Q:  What has big ears, brings Easter treats, and goes hippity-BOOM hippity BOOM?
A:  The Easter elephant.

Q:  What do you call of line of rabbits walking backwards?
A:  A receding hare line.

Q:  What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A:  Bugs Bunny.

Q:  What kind of book does a rabbit like to read?
A:  A book with a hoppy ending.

(groan)

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In 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon sighted present-day Florida.

In 1794, Congress approved "An Act to provide a Naval Armament" of six armed ships.

In 1836, the first Mormon temple was dedicated in Kirtland, Ohio.

In 1964, Alaska was hit by a powerful earthquake and tsunamis that killed about 130 people.

In 1973, "The Godfather" won the Academy Award for best picture of 1972, but Marlon Brando refused to accept his Oscar for best actor.

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Today--------Dance company director Arthur Mitchell is 79, Actor Julian Glover is 78, Actor Jerry Lacy is 77, Hall-of-Fame racer Cale Yarborough is 74, Actor-director Austin Pendleton is 73, Actor Michael York is 71 and Rock musician Tony Banks (Genesis) is 63.

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March 27th is:  Celebrate Exchange Day, Education and Sharing Day, Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day and Viagara Day.

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Quip for the day.......How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to cuss?  Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----cute kid......

Young Tommy and his parents sat down for Easter dinner at grandma's house in the country.  Tommy immediately grabbed a piece of roast and started to eat it.

"Tommy, stop!" his mother cried.  "We haven't said grace yet."

"We don't need to say grace," Tommy said.

"Whatever do you mean?" his shocked mother replied.  "We ALWAYS say grace!"

"That's at our house," Tommy said.  "This is grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."

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In 1898, the Supreme Court, in United States v. Wong Kim Ark, ruled that a child born in the United States to Chinese immigrants was a U.S. citizen.

In 1963, the Alfred Hitchcock fillm "The Birds" premiered in New York.

In 1979, America's worst commercial nuclear accident occurred inside the Unit 2 reactor at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, PA.

In 1990, President George H.W. Bush presented the Congressional Gold Medal to the widow of U.S. Olympic legend Jesse Owens.

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Today-------Former White House national security adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski is 85, Country musician Charlie McCoy is 72, Movie director Mike Newell is 71, Actress Conchata Ferrell is 70, Actor Ken Howard is 69 and Actress Dianne Wiest if 65.

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March 28th is:  Barnum and Bailey Day and Weed Appreciation Day.

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Quip for the day............You are never too old to learn something stupid.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------more Easter......

Q:  What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A:  It's been nice gnawing you.

Q:  How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?
A:  Only one.  After that, it's not an empty basket any more, dummy!

Q:  So, what's the difference between a counterfeit banknote and a crazy rabbit?
A:  One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.

Q:  What's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a lumberjack?
A:  One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

Q:  How do you get a rabbit to come to you?
A:  Make a noise like a carrot.

(groan)

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In 1638, Swedish colonists settled in present-day Delaware.

In 1882, the Knights of Columbus was chartered in Connecticut.

In 1943, World War II rationing of meat, fats and cheese began.

In 1971, Army Lt. William L. Calley Jr. was convicted of murdering 22 Vietnamese civilians in the My Lai massacre.  (Calley ended up serving three years under house arrest.)

In 1973, the last United States combat troops left South Vietnam, ending America's direct military involvement in the Vietnam War.

In 2003, Michelle Kwan became only the third American to win five World Figure Skating Championships, after Dick Button and Carol Heiss, at the competition in Washington, D.C.

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Today--------Political commentator John McLaughlin is 86, Author Judith Guest is 77, Comedian-actor-author-singer-writer Eric Idle is 70, Composer Vangelis is 70, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Walt Frazier is 68 and Singer Bobby Kimball is 66.

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March 29th is:  Good Friday, Knights of Columbus Founders Day, National Day Of Unplugging, National Mom & Pop Business Owners Day, Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day and Texas Loves The Children Day.

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Quip for the day.......If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------another cute kid.....

Billly was in church on Easter Sunday when he started to feel sick.  "Mommy, can we leave now?" he asked his mother.

"No, Billy, not until the service is over."

"I think I'm going to throw up."

"Oh, dear! Go outside, quickly, and throw up behind a bush."

The boy left, then returned less than a minute later.

His mother said, "That was fast."

Billy said, "I didn't have to go outside.  There's a box next to the front door that says, 'FOR THE SICK.'"

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In 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million.

In 1870, the 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which prohibited denying citizens the right to vote and hold office on the basis of race was declared in effect by Secretary of State Hamilton Fish.

In 1870, Texas was readmitted to the Union.

In 1909, the Queensboro Bridge, linking the New York City boroughs of Manhattan and Queens, opened.

In 1923, the Cunard liner RMS Laconia became the first passenger ship to circle the globe as it arrived in New York.

In 1959, a narrowly divided U.S. Supreme Court, in Bartkus v. Illinois, ruled that a conviction in state court following an aquittal in federal court for the same crime did not constitute double jeopardy.

In 1963, singer Leslie Gore, age 16, recorded her hit "It's my party" for Mercury records in New York.

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan escaped an attempt on his life outside a Washington, D.C. hotel, where he was shot and seriously wounded by John W. Hinckley Jr.  Also wounded were White House press secretary James Brady, Secret Service agent Timothy McCarthy and District of Columbia police officer Thomas Delahanty.

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Today------------Game show host Peter Marshall is 87, Actor Richard Dysart is 84, Actor John Astin is 83, Entertainer Rolf Harris is 83, Actor-director Warren Beatty is 76, Rock musician Graeme Edge is 72, Rock musician Eric Clapton is 68, Actor Justin Deas is 65 and Actor Robbie Coltrane is 63.

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March 30th is:  Doctors Day, Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence, Pencil Day and Earth Hour.

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Quip for the day..........There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Just pray it is not a train.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------smart man......

On Easter Sunday the Reverend Jones stood and announced to his congregation, "My good people, I hold here in my hands three possible sermons for this special day."

The worshipers leaned forward in their seats.

The pastor continued, "I have a $1,000 sermon that last 25 minutes.  I have a $500 sermon that lasts an hour.  And I have a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour and a half."

He paused for dramatic effect, then said, "The ushers will now collect an offering.  We'll count up the total and see which sermon I will deliver."

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In 1931, Notre Dame college football coach Knute Rockne, 43, was killed in the crash of a TWA plane in Bazaar, Kan.

In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Emergency Conservation Work Act, which created the Civilian Conservation Corps.

In 1943, "Oklahoma," the first musical play by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, opened on Broadway.

In 1953, Stanley Kubrick's first feature, a war drama titled "Fear and Desire," premiered in New York.

In 1968, President Lyndon B. Johnson stunned the country by announcing he would not seek re-election.

In 1976, the New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that Karen Ann Quiinlan, who was in a persistent vegetative state, could be disconnected from her respirator.  (Quinlan, who remained unconscious, died in 1985.)

In 1993, actor Brandon Lee, 28, was accidentally shot to death during the filming of a movie in Wilmington, N.C., when he was hit by a bullet fragment that had been lodged  inside a prop gun.

In 1995, Mexican-American singer Selena Quintanilla-Perez, 23, was shot to death in Corpus Christi, Texas, by the founder of her fan club, Yolanda Saldivar, who was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.

In 2005, Terri Schiavo, 41, died at a hospice in Pinellas Park, Florida, 13 days after her feeding tube was removed in a wrenching right-to-die dispute.

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Today-------Actor William Daniels is 86, Actor Richard Chamberlain is 79, Actress Shirley Jones is 79, Country singer-songwriter John D. Loudermilk is 79, Musician Herb Alpert is 78, Senate President Pro Tempore Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., is 73, Former U.S. Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass., is 73, Actor Christopher Walken is 70, Comedian Gabe Kaplan is 68, Former Vice-President Al Gore is 65, Author David Eisenhower is 65, Actress Rhea Perlman is 65 and Actor Ed Marinaro is 63.

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March 31st is:  Bunsen Burner Day, National "She's Funny That Way" Day, Terri's Day and Easter.

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Quip for the day.......I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

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Larryj