another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------oookkaaaaayyyy.......

Folks up north have sense of humor, same as anyone else.

Here's a story they tell at a little community grocery store in Esko, Minnesota.

Back in the 1940's, it seems there was an old-timer who would come into the store every day to buy the newspaper.

One day, the clerk mentioned that a blizzard was predicted for the following day.

The old-timer said, "Well, in that case, I better buy two newspapers in case I can't make it to town tomorrow."

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In 1792, President George Washington signed an act creating the U.S. Post Office.

In 1907, President Theodore Roosevelt signed an immigration act which excluded "idiots, imbeciles, feebleminded persons, epileptics, insane persons" from being admitted to the United States.

In 1962, astronaut John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard Project Mercury's Friendship 7 spacecraft.

In 1998, Tara Lipinski of the U.S. won the ladies' figure skating gold medal at the Nagano Olympics; Michelle Kwan won the silver.

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Today-----Gloria Vanderbilt is 89, Actor Sidney Poitier is 86, Racing Hall-of-Famer Bobby Unser is 79, Racing Hall-of-Famer Roger Penske is 76, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Phil Exposito is 71, Actress Sandy Duncan is 67, Rock musician J. Geils is 67 and Actor Peter Strauss is 66.

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February 20th is:  Love Your Pet Day, Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day and World Day Of Social Justice.

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Quip for the day.....Do not worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older it will avoid you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------old, but funny.......

A man goes to see his pastor.  He says, "Pastor, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

"Of course.  What's wrong?"

"My wife is poisoning me."

The pastor is very concerned.  "How can that be," he asks.

"I'm telling you, I'm cetain she's poisoning me.  What should I do?"

"Tell you what.  Let me talk to her.  I'll call and see what I can find out."

Later that day, the pastor calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours, and I have a suggestion for you."

"What is it?

"Take the poison."

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In 1862, Nathaniel Gordon, the first and only American slave trader to be executed under the U.S. Piracy Law of 1820, was hanged in New York.

In 1885, the Washington Monument was dedicated.

In 1925, The New Yorker magazine made its debut.

In 1965, black Muslim leader and civil rights activist Malcolm X, 39, was shot to death inside the Audubon Ballroom in New York by assassins identified as members of the Nation of Islam.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon began his historic visit to China as he and his wife, Pat, arrived in Beijing.

In 1986, Larry Wu Chin, the first American found gulty of spying for China, killed himself in his jail cell.

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Today-----Movie director Bob Rafelson is 80, Actor-director Richard Beymer 74, Film/music company executive David Geffen is 70, Actor Alan Rickman is 67, Actress Tyne Daly is 67, Actor Anthony Daniels is 67, Tricia Nixon Cox is 67, Rock musician Jerry Harrison is 64, Actress Christine Ebersole is 60 and Actor William Peterson is 60.

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February 21st is:  International Mother Language Day and Introduce A Girl To Engineering Day.

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Quip for the day....Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, "I want to commit suicide, but I want it to be a surprise."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oldie but goodie........

A guy sees two county workers across the street.  One digs a hole, the other fills it up.  They move a few paces along the roadside and repeat the process.  One digs a hole and the other one fills it up.  They move along and do it again.  And again.

The guy can't stand it any more.  He crosses the street, approaches the workers, and says, "What's all this about?  You're wasting taxpayers money."

The workers stop and lean on their shovels.  One says, "We're just doing our job, mister.  There used to be three of us, me and Elmer and Leroy.  I dig the hole, Elmer planted the tree and Leroy filled around it.  Trouble is, our department got dowsized and poor Elmer was laid off.  Now it's just me and Leroy.

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In 1732, the first president of the United States, George Washington, was born in Westmoreland County in the Virginia Colony.

In 1909, the Great White Fleet, a naval task force sent on a round-the-world voyage by President Theodore Roosevelt, returned after more than a year at sea.

In 1924, President Calvin Coolidge delivered the first radio broadcast from the White House, addressing the country over 42 stations.

In 1959, the inaugual Daytona 500 race was held; although Johnny Beauchamp was declared the winner, the victory was later awarded to Lee Petty.

In 1973, the United States and China agreed to establish liaison offices.

In 1980, the "Miracle on Ice" took place in Lake Placid, NY, as the United States Olympic hockey team upset the Soviets, 4-3; (The U.S. went on to win the gold medal.)

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Today-------Announcer Don Pardo is 95, Actor Paul Dooley is 85, Movie director Jonathan Demme is 69, Actor John Ashton is 65, Actress Miou-Miou is 64, Actress Julie Walters is 63, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Julius Erving is 63 and Actress Ellen Greene is 62.
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February 22nd is:  National Margarita Day, Woolworth's Day, World Thinking Day and George Washington's birthday.

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Quip for the day.......A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------kids.....

A little boy was walking his dog in the park.  A policeman says, "That's a nice dog.  What kind is it?"

The boy says, "It's an airplane."

The cop laughs and says, "An airplane!  I've never heard of that kind of dog."

The boy shrugs and says, "Its mom was an Airedale and its dad was just a plain mutt, so it's part Airedale and part plain.  An airplane."

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In 1836, the siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas.

In 1861, President-elect Abraham Lincoln arrived secretly in Washington to take office, following word of a possible assassination plot in Baltimore.

In 1903, President Theodore Roosevelt signed an agreement with Cuba to lease the area around Guantanamo Bay to the United States.

In 1954, the first mass inoculation of children against polio with the Salk vaccine began in Pittsburgh.

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Today------Actor Peter Fonda is 73, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Fred Biletnikoff is 70, Author John Sandford is 69, Singer-musician Johnny Winter is 69, Country-rock musician Rusty Young is 67, Actress Patricia Richardson is 62 and Rock musician Brad Whitford is 61.

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February 23rd is:  Curling Is Cool Day, Diesel Engine Day, Iwo Jima Day (flag raising), International Sword Swallowers Day and Open That Bottle Night.

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Quip for the day.......If Bill Gates had a penny for everytime I have had to reboot my computer.......oh wait......he does.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----one of the best punny ones around and a favorite of mine......

A frog goes into a bank and approaches a teller.  Her nameplate says Patricia Wack.

"Miss Wack, I'd like to take out a $30,000 loan," he says.  "My name is Kermit Jagger.  My father is Mick Jagger.  I know the bank manager."

He pulls a tiny porcelain elephant from his pocket and says, "I'm prepared to offer this as collateral."

The bewildered teller takes the elephant and goes in search of the bank manager.  When she finds him, she says, "Sir, there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.  He wants to use this as collateral."  She holds up the porcelain elephant.

The bank manager checks it out, nods, and says,

(Are you ready...............really ready?)

"It's a knickknack, Patty Wack.  Give the frog the loan.  His old man's a Rolling Stone."



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In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull, or edict, outlining his calendar reforms.  (The Gregorian Calendar is the calendar in general use today.)

In 1961, the Federal Communications Commission authorized the nations's first full-scale trial of pay television in Hartford, Connecticut.

In 1983, a congressional commission released a report condemning the internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II.

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Today---Actor Abe Vigoda is 92, Actor Stephen Hill is 91, Actress Emmanuelle Riva is 86, Actor-singer Dominic Chianese is 82, Movie composer Michel Legrand is 81, Opera singer-director Renata Scotto is 79, Actor Barry Bostwick is 68, Actor Edward James Olmos is 66, Singer-writer-producer Rupert Holmes is 66, Rock singer-musician George Thorogood is 63, Actress Debra Jo Rupp is 62 and Actress Helen Shaver is 62.

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February 24th is:  Academy Awards Night and Daytona 500.

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Quip for the day.......The trouble with money is that it is tainted.  It taint yours and it taint mine.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------golden quotes about money.......

I spent most of my money on women and drink.  And like a fool I squandered the rest. -- Benny Hill

Money won't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy. -- Spike Milligan

I don't like money, but it quiets my nerves. -- Joe E. Lewis

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. -- Dorothy Parker

Money doesn't buy happiness, but happiness isn't everything. -- Jean Seberg

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In 1836, inventor Samuel Colt patented his revolver.

In 1862, Nashville, Tennessee, became the first Confederate state capital to be occupied by the North during the Civil War.

In 1901, United States Steel Corp. was incorporated by J.P. Morgan.

In 1950, "Your Show of Shows," starring Sid Caesar, Imogene Coca, Carl Reiner and Howard Morris, debuted on NBC-TV.

In 1991, during the Persian Gulf War, 28 Americans were killed when an Iraqi Scud missile hit a U.S. barracks in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia.

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Today-----Country singer Ralph Stanley is 86, Actor Tom Courtenay is 76, CBS newsman Bob Schieffer is 76, Actress Diane Baker is 75, Actress Karn Grassle is 71, Humorist Jack Handey is 64 and Movie director Neil Jordan is 63.

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February 25th is:  Pistol Patent Day (Samuel Colt), Legal Tender Act Day and National Clam Chowder Day.

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Quip for the day............A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---originally a blonde joke.....

The state trooper stops a car and approaches the driver.  "Sir, I pulled you over because you were weaving all over the road," he says.

The man cries out, "Oh, officer, thank goodness you're here!  I almost had an accident!  I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.  I swerved to the left and I saw another tree in front of me!  I swerved to the right and I saw another tree in front of me!"

The officer leans in, takes a look, then points to the man's rear view mirror and the object dangling from it.  He says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."

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In 1940, the United States Air Defense Command was created.

In 1945, authorities ordered a midnight curfew at night clubs, bars and other places of entertainment across the nation.

In 1987, the Tower Commission, which had probed the Iran-Contra affair, issued its report, which rebuked President Ronald Reagan for failing to control his national security staff.

In 1993, a truck bomb built by terrrorists exploded in the parking garage of New York's World Trade Center, killing six people and injuring more than 1,000 others.

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Today--------Singer Fats Domino is 85, Country-rock musician Paul Cotton (Poco) is 70, Actor-director Bill Duke is 70, Singer Mitch Ryder is 68 and Singer Michael Bolton is 60.

(Trivia note:  When singer Ernest Evans was signed to a record label, Dick Clark's wife renamed him Chubby Checker because of his similar build to Fats Domino.  He did not invent the twist dance, but made it popular.)

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February 26th is:  National Personal Chefs Day, For Pete's Sake Day, Levi Strauss Day and Spay Day USA.

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Quip for the day.......Never answer an anonymous letter.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------hah...........

A magician was working on a cruise ship.  The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over.

There was only one problem.  The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick.  He started to heckle during the shows.

"It's not the same hat!" he'd squawk. Or, "He's hiding the flowers under the table!"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything.  It was the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank.  The magician found himself on a large piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.  The parrot was by his side.

They exchanged hateful stares, but didn't speak.  This went on for a week.

Finally, the parrot said, "Ok, I give up.  What did you do with the boat?"

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In 1943, the U.S. government began circulating one-cent coins made of steel plated with zinc.  (The steel pennies proved very unpopular, since they were easily mistaken for dimes.)

In 1951, the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, limiting a president to two terms of office, was ratified.

In 1968, at the conclusion of a CBS News special report on the Vietnam War, Walter Cronkite delivered a commentary in which he said the conflict appeared "mired in stalemate."

In 1973, members of the American Indian Movement occupied the hamlet of Wounded Knee in South Dakota, the site of the 1890 massacre of Sioux men, women and children.  (The occupation lasted until May.)

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Today----------Actress Joanne Woodward is 83, Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is 79, Actress Barbara Babcock is 76, Actor Howard Hesseman is 73 and Actress Debra Monk is 64.

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February 27th is:  Inconvenience Yourself Day.

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Quip for the day.......My girlfriend thinks I am a stalker...........Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----hah.........

Three men were at the club talking about their wives.

The first said, "My wife does whatever I say.  That's the secret to a good relationship."

The second agreed.  "That's right.  Submissiveness is the key."

The third, after some thought, said, "You aren't kidding.  Let me tell you, yesterday my wife crawled on the ground to ask me something."

The first two men were impressed.  "That's amazing," said the first.  "How did you manage it?" asked the second.

The third replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she found me and said, 'Come out here and fight like a man!'"

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In 1963, scientists James D. Watson and Francis H.C. Crick announced they had discovered the double-helix structure of DNA.

In 1983, the long-running TV series "M.A.S.H." ended after 11 seasons on CBS with a special 2 1/2 hour finale that was watched by 121.6 million people.

In 1993, a gun battle erupted at a religious compound near Waco, Texas, when Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agents tried to arrest Branch Dividians leader David Koresh on weapons charges; four agents and six Davidians were killed as a 51-day standoff began.  (The siege ended April 19 as fire erupted while federal agents smashed their way into the compound.  Koresh and 78 other people were killed.)

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Today---------Producer Saul Zaentz is 92, Actor Gavin MacLeod is 82, Actor Don Francks is 81, Actor-director-dancer Tommy Tune is 74, Hall-of Fame auto racer Mario Andretti is 73, Actor Frank Bonner is 71, Actress Kelly Bishop is 69, Actress Bernadette Peters is 65 and Actress Ilene Graff is 64.

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February 28th is: Floral Design Day, National Chili Day, National Tooth Fairy Day and Rare Disease Day.

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Quip for the day.........The punishment for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------groaner.......

Two bacteria spent many months swimming inside a horse.  They preferred the gentle streams in the venous system.

However, one day the horse got sick and had to go to the vet.  The doctor determined that the horse had a severe infection and prescribed a potent antibiotic.

The bacteria overheard the discussion and agreed, "We have to get out of here."

They left the venous system and entered a very turbulent artery, where they both drowned.

Moral:  Never change streams in mid-horse.

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In 1790, President George Washington signed a measure authorizing the first U.S. Census.

In 1867, Nebraska became the 37th state.

In 1872, President Ulysses S. Grant signed an act creating Yellowstone National Park.

In 1932, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr., the 20-month-old son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh was kidnapped from the family home near Hopewell, NJ.  (Remains identified as those of the child were found the following May.)

In 1943, wartime rationing of processed foods under a point system began in the U.S.

In 1954, Puerto Rican nationalists opened fire from the gallery of the U.S. House of Representatives, wounding five congressmen.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy signed an executive order establishing the Peace Corps.

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Today---------Actor Robert Clary is 87, Singer Harry Belafonte is 86, Actor Robert Conrad is 78, Rock singer Mike D'Abo is 69, Rock singer Roger Daltrey is 69, Actor Dirk Benedict is 68 and Actor Alan Thicke is 65.

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March 1st is:  Asiatic Fleet Day, Employee Appreciation Day, National Horse Protection Day, National Peanut Lovers Day, Peace Corps Day, Pig Day, Plan A Solo Vacation Day, Refired, Not Retired Day, World Compliment Day, World Day Of Prayer and Dress In Blue Day.

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Quip for the day.........The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

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Larryj