another slice of wry

[Diane Amberg]

Fun! There is an answer to the third one. No they don't, but that's really cute. They turn off the captions on the tv for a period of time.

[larryJ]

Today's----and more.....

Questions to ponder......

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can his wages be garnished?

Why do they put Braille pads on drive-thru bank machines?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which one have you done?

What's the point of having an expiration date on sour cream?

Can an atheist take out insurance against acts of God?

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In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Fort Donelson began in Tennessee.  (Union forces led by Brig. Gen. Ulysses S. Grant captured the fort five days later.)

In 1937, a six-week-old sit-down strike against General Motors ended, with the company agreeing to recognize the United Automobile Workers Union.

In 1960, "Tonight Show" host Jack Paar walked off the program in a censorship dispute with NBC.  (Despite his very public resignation, Paar returned to the Tonight Show less than a month later.)

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Today-----Actor Conrad Janis is 85, Actress Tina Louise is 79, Actor Burt Reynolds is 77. Bandleader Sergio Mendes is 72 and Rhythm-and-Blues singer Otis Clay is 71.

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Quip for the day.....We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah.....

The guy had suffered a bitter defeat in court that day.  He decides to get drunk.

He walks into a bar. He orders a shot of bourbon and tells the bartender, "Leave the bottle."

After pouring himself several shots, he suddenly shouts, "All lawyers are lying, cheating crooks!"

Another guy, at the other end of the bar, stands up and says, "I resent that remark!"

The first guy says, "Why?  Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No, I'm a lying, cheating crook!"

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In 1909, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People was founded.

In 1915, the cornerstone for the Lincoln Memorial was laid in Washington, D.C., a year to the day after groundbreaking.

In 1940, the radio play "The Adventures of Superman" debuted with Bud Colyer as the Man of Steel.

In 1959, the redesigned Lincoln penny -- with an image of the Lincoln Memorial replacing two ears of wheat on the reverse side -- went into circulation.

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy celebrated the 100th anniversary of the Emancipation Proclamation with a reception at the White House.

In 1973, Operation Homecoming began as the first release of American prisoners of war from the Vietnam conflict took place.

In 1999. the Senate voted to acquit President Bill Clinton of perjury and obstuction of justice.

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Today---TV personality Hugh Downs is 92, Actress-singer Florence Henderson is 79, Jazz musician Maceo Parker is 70, Journalist Carl Bernstein is 69, TV personality Pat O'Brien is 65, Magician Teller (Penn and Teller) is 65 and Cajun singer-musician Michael Doucet (Beausoleil) is 62.

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February 12th is:  Extraterrestrial Day, Darwin Day, Pancake Day, Mardi Gras, Shrove Tuesday, Lincoln's Birthday, NAACP Day, Oglethorpe Day, Paul Bunyan Day and Safety Pup Day.
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Quip for the day.....My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two grilfirends.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------funny.........

Two carpenters were working on a house.  One would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder, or nail it in.

The other carpenter finally asked, "Why are you throwing some of those nails away?"

The first carpenter explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away, because it's defective.  If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second carpenter said, "You moron!  The nails pointed toward you aren't defective!  They're for the other side of the house!"

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In 1741, Andrew Bradford of Pennsylvania published the first American magazine, "The American Magazine, or A Monthly View of the Political State of the British Colonies."  There were only three issues.

In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was officially declared winner of the 1860 presidential election as electors cast their ballots.

In 1935, a jury in Flemington, N.J. found Bruno Richard Hauptmann guilty of first-degree murder in the kidnap-slaying of the son of Charles and Ann Lindbergh.  (Hauptmann was later executed.)

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Today------U.S. Air Force Maj. Gen. Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager (ret.) is 90, Actress Kim Novak is 80, Actor George Segal is 79, Actress Carol Lynley is 71, Singer-musician  Peter Tork is 71, Actress Stockard Channing is 69, Talk show host Jerry Springer is 69, Actor Bo Svenson on 69, Singer Peter Gabriel is 63 and Actor David Naughton is 62.

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February 13th is:  Ash Wednesday, Employee Legal Awareness Day, Get A Different Name Day and Madly In Love With Me Day.

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Quip for the day.......If you do something that you'll regret in the morning, SLEEP UNTIL NOON!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------old, but funny......

A prince was put under a spell.  He could only speak one word each year.  If he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.  Those were the terms of the spell.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful maiden.  He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her "my darling."  But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.  At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.  Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he visited the maiden and fell on one knee.  "My darling," he said,  "I love you!  Will you marry me?"

And the maiden said, "Pardon?"

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In 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the recently adopted Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.

In 1903, the Department of Commerce and Labor was established.  (It was divided into separate departments of Commerce and Labor in 1913.)

In 1920, the League of Women Voters was founded in Chicago; its first president was Maud Wood Park.

In 1929, the St. Valentine's Day Massacre took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capone's gang were gunned down.

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Today------Note:  Apparently my local paper made a mistake on its listing of birthdays yesterday.  All those listed in yesterday's birthdays are actually born on this day.

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February 14th is:  (long list)---Ferris Wheel Day, Frederick Douglas Day, Pet Theft Awareness Day, Library Lovers Day, National Have a Heart Day, National Condom Day, (World) Cogential Heart Defect Awareness Day, League of Women Voters Day, National Women's Heart Day, National Call In Single Day, Race Relations Day, National Donor Day, Quirky Alone Day, World Marriage Day and Valentines Day.

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Quip for the day........A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------oopsies......

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!  He kicked and hit and shouted.  For awhile it looked like he might even win.

Finally, though, the two thugs subdued him and took his wallet.

There were two $1 bills in it.

One of the thugs, still panting and sweating, said to the victim, "For Pete's sake, why did you put up such a fight for two lousy bucks?"

The man said, "Oh, I wasn't even thinking about my wallet.  I was afraid you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe."

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In 1933, President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt escaped an assassination attempt in Miami that mortally wounded Chicago Mayor Anton J. Cernak; gunman Giuseppe Zangara was executed more than four weeks later.

In 1961, 73 people, including an 18-member U.S. figure skating team en route to the World Championships in Czechoslovakia, were killed in the crash of a Sabena Airlines Boeing 707 in Belgium.

In 1992, a Milwaukee jury found that Jeffrey Dahmer was sane when he killed and mutilated 15 men and boys.

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Today-----Actor Allan Arbus is 95, Actress Claire Bloom is 82, Author Susan Brownmiller is 78, Songwriter Brian Holland is 72, Rock musician Mick Avory (The Kinks) is 69, Singer Melissa Manchester is 62 and Actress Jane Seymour is 62.

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February 15th is:  Angelman Syndrome Day, National Hippo Day, Remember The Maine Day, Susan B. Anthony Day and National Gum Drop Day.

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Quip for the day...A closed mouth gathers no feet.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------sounds good.......

Doctor:  "You're a little overweight.  Do you exercise regularly?"

Patient:  "Absolutely!"

Doctor:  "Tell me about your daily workout."

Patient:  "Oh, I run my mouth all the time, and I jump to conclusions.  I skip the small talk, I stretch my lunch break, I wrestle with my conscience, I'm always getting my ears bent, I lift the receiver a hundred times a day, I jog my memory, and the first thing I do when I get home is twist a few bottle caps!"

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In 1804, Lt. Stephen Decatur led a raid into Tripoli Harbor to burn the U.S. Navy frigate Philadelphia, which had been taken by pirates.

In 1961, the United States launched the Explorer 9 satellite.

In 1968, the nation's first 911 emergency telephone system was inaugurated in Haleyville, Alabama.

In 2003, more than 100,000 people demonstrated in the streets of San Francisco to protest a possible invasion of Iraq.

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Today-----Actor Jeremy Bulloch is 68, Actor William Katt is 62 and R&B singer James Ingram is 61.

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February 16th is:  Innovation Day and Kyoto Protocol Day.

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Quip for the day.....I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what the heck I'm doing.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----ouch!

A guest at a posh hotel ordered breakfast in the dining room.

"I'd like one egg that is undercooked, and another that is so overcooked that it is tough and chewy.  I'd also like grilled bacon that is mostly fat and served a bit on the cold side, plus burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a cup of very weak, lukewarm coffee."

"That's a complicated order, sir," said the bewildered waiter.  "I'll have to check with the chef."

The guest replied, "It can't be that difficult.  It's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

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In 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers, convened its first meeting in Washington.

In 1933, Newsweek was first published by Thomas J.C. Martyn under the title "News-Week."  (The magazine abandoned its print format last year in favor of online edition.)

In 1959, the United States launched Vanguard 2, a satellite which carried meteorological equipment.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon departed the White House with his wife, Pat, on a historic trip to China.

In 1988, Lt. Col. William Higgins, a Marine Corps officer serving with a United Nations truce monitoring group, was kidnapped in southern Lebanon by Iranian-backed terrorists.  (He was later slain by his captors.)

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Today---Actor Hal Holbrook is 88, Mystery writer Ruth Rendell is 83, Actor-comedian Barry Humphries (aka "Dame Edna") is 79, Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Brown is 77 and Actress Mary Ann Mobley is 74.

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February 17th is:  Daytona Pole Day, My Way Day, National PTA Founders Day and World Human Spirit Day.

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Quip for the day...........A friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though you are a little cracked.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah......

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources director asked the young applicant, "And what sort of starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, and a company car leased every two years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow!  Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Well, you started it!"

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In 1885, Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published in the U.S. for the first time.

In 1930, photographic evidence of Pluto (now designated a "dwarf planet" was discovered by Clyde W. Tombaugh at Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona.

In 1953, "Bwana Devil," the movie that heralded the 3D fad of the 1950s, had its New York opening.

In 1960, the 8th Winter Olympic Games were formally opened in Squaw Valley, by Vice President Richard M. Nixon.

In 1977, the space shuttle Enterprise, sitting atop a Boeing 747, went on its debut "flight" above the Mojave Desert.

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Today-----Actor George Kennedy is 88, Author Toni Morrison is 82, Singer Yoko Ono is 80, Singer-songwriter Bobby Hart is 74,  Singer Herman Santiago (Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers) is 72, Actress Cybill Shepherd is 63, Singer Juice Newton is 61 and Rock musician Larry Rust (Iron Butterfly) is 60.

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February 18th is:   Battery Day, Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day, Pluto Day and Presidents Day.

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Quip for the day.....One good turn gets most of the blankets.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------logical.....

I don't why I didn't figure this out a lot sooner.

When I wash my hair in the shower, the shampoo runs all over my body.  I happened to read the label on the shampoo bottle one day.  It carried this explicit warning:  "For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight all these years!

Well, I got rid of the shampoo and I now am washing my hair with dishwashing soap.

The label says:  "Dissolves fat that is otherwise hard to remove."

Problem solved!

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In 1807, former Vice President Aaron Burr, accused of treason, was arrested in the Mississippi Territory, in present-day Alabama.  (Burr was acquitted at trial.)

In 1878, Thomas Edison received a U.S. patent for "an improvement in phonograph or speaking machines."

In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed Executive Order 9066, which cleared the way for the U.S. military to relocate and intern Japanese-Americans.

In 1945, during World War II, some 30,000 U.S. Marines began landing on Iwo Jima, where they began a successful month-long battle to seize control of the island from Japanese forces.

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Today----Singer Smokey Robinson is 73, Singer Bobby Rogers (Smokey Robinson and the Miracles) is 73, Singer Lou Christie is 70, Rock musician Tony Iommi (Black Sabbath) is 65, Actor Stephen Nichols is 62 and Author Amy Tan is 61.

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February 19th is:  Chocolate Mint Day, Iwo Jima Day and Single Tasking Day.

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Quip for the day.......He's so fat it takes two dogs to bark at him.

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Larryj