another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------old, but one of my faves...........

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.  Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream?  And maybe write that down so you don't forget?"

"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."

"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband.  "No problem  -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.  I don't need to write it down."

He goes to the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around.  The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

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In 1653, New Amsterdam, now New York City, incorporated.

In 1848, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo ended the Mexican-American War.

In 1887, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, held its first Groundhog Day.

In 1913, New York City's rebuilt Grand Central Terminal officially opened to the public at one minute past midnight.

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Today-----Actress Elaine Stritch is 88, Comedian Tom Smothers is 76, Rock singer-guitarist Graham Nash is 71, Actor Bo Hopkins is 71, Television executive Barry Diller is 71, TV chef Ina Garten is 65, Actor Jack McGee is 64, Actor Brent Spinner is 64 and Rock musician Ross Valory is 64.

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February 2nd is:  Candelmas, Crepe Day, Ice Cream For Breakfast Day, Marmot Day, Sled Dog Day, Take Your Child To The Library Day, World Play Your Ukelele Day, World Wetlands Day and Groundhog Day.

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Quip for the day......I can only please one person per day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow is looking good either.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------another short one...

Two men were debating whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."

They ask a passerby, who answers, "Havaii."

"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.

"You're velcome," says the passerby.

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In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution, providing for a federal income tax, was ratified.

In 1959, rock-and-roll stars Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson died in a small plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa.

In 2003, President George W. Bush sent lawmakers a $2.23 trillion budget.

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Today------Comedian Shelley Berman is 88, Football Hall-of-Famer Fran Tarkenton is 73, Actress Bridget Hanley is 72, Actress Blythe Danner is 70, Singer Dennis Edwards is 70, Football Hall-of-Famer Bob Griese is 68, Singer-guitarist Dave Davies is 66, Singer Melanie is 66, Actress Morgan Fairchild is 63 and Actress Pamela Franklin is 63.

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February 3rd is:  Four Chaplains Memorial Day, The Day The Music Died, Dump Your Significant Jerk Day and Super Bowl XLVII.

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Quip for the day........My dog can lick anybody!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.......

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Hey there! Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "HEY THERE! Aren't you Moses???"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."

George W., a bit peeved at this point then asked, "Why the cold shoulder?"

To which Moses replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness."

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In 1789, electors chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States.

In 1941, the United Service Organization (USO) came into existence.

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Today-----Actor William Phipps is 91, Comedian David Brenner is 77, Rock musician John Steel (The Animals) is 72, Singer Florence LaRue (The Fifth Dimension) is 69, Former Vice President Dan Quayle is 66, Rock singer Alice Cooper is 65 and Actor Michael Beck is 64.

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February 4th is:  Liberace Day, Quacker Day, USO Day and World Cancer Day.

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Quip for the day........A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----yeah, why......

After his annual physical exam, Sam says, "Doc, I want you to level with me.  Do you think I'll make it to age 80?"

The doctor replies, "Well, you're in pretty good shape for 75.  You don't drink or smoke.  You don't eat rich foods.  You don't engage in potentially stressful behaviors like gambling or chasing after women.  In fact, you don't really have any risk factors at all. So, let me ask you a question."

Sam says, "By all means.  Ask me anything."

The doctor says, "Why do you want to live to be 80?"

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In 1917, Congress passed over President Woodrow Wilson's veto, an immigration act severely curtailing the influx of Asians.

In 1940, Glenn Miller and his orchestra recorded "Tuxedo Junction" for RCA Victor's Bluebird label.

In 1971, Apollo 14 astronauts Alan Shepard and Edgar Mitchell stepped onto the surface of the moon in the first of two lunar excursions.

In 1973, services were held at Arlington National Cemetery for U.S. Army Col. William B. Nolde, the last official American combat casualty before the Vietnam War cease-fire took effect.

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Today-----Country singer Claude King is 90, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Hank Aaron is 79, Actor David Selby is 72, Football Hall-of-Famer Roger Staubach is 71, Singer cory Wells (Three Dog Night) is 71, Movie director Michael Mann is 70, Actress Barbara Hershey is 65, Actor Christopher Guest is 65 and Actor Tom Wilkinson is 65.

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February 5th is:  Move Hollywood and Broadway to Lebanon, PA, Day, National Pancake Day (IHOP), Weatherman's Day, Western Monarch Day, World Nutella Day and African American Coaches Day.

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Quip for the day.........The colder the X-Ray table is, the more of your body is required on it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----aha.....

A housewife answered a knock at the door and opened it to find two small boys.  One was holding a list.

"Lady," the boy said, "me and my brother are on a treasure hunt.  Do you have three buffalo nickels, a pork chop bone, a piece of used carbon paper......"

The woman interrupted, "I don't have any of those things.  That's a hard list.  What kind of treasure hunt is this?"

"If we find everything on the list," the boy said, "We'll win a dollar."

"And who's going to give you a dollar?" the woman asked.

The boy answered, "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

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In 1778, the United States won official recognition from France with the signing of a Treaty of Alliance in Paris.

In 1899, a peace treaty between the United States and Spain was ratified by the U.S. Senate.

In 1959, the United States successfully test-fired for the first time a Titan intercontinental ballistic missile from Cape Canaveral.

In 1973, Dixy Lee Ray was appointed by President Richard Nixon to be the first woman to head the Atomic Energy Commission.

In 1993, tennis Hall-of-Famer and human rights activist Arthur Ashe died in New York at age 49.

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Today------Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor is 96, Actor Patrick Macnee is 91, Actor Rip Torn is 82, Actress Mamie Van Doren is 82, Actor Mike Farrell is 74, Former NBC News anchorman Tom Brokaw is 73, Singer Fabian is 70, Actress Gayle Hunnicutt is 70, Actor Michael Tucker is 69, Producer-director-writer Jim Sheridan is 64 and Singer Natalie Cole is 63.

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February 6th is:  Digital Learning Day and National Girls and Women in Sports Day.

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Quip for the day...........I'm so great I'm jealous of myself.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----Senior bumper stickers........

I'm retired.  I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today.
We got married for better or worse.  He couldn't do any better, I couldn't do any worse.
I asked my wife if it's better to wear boxers or briefs.  She said Depends.
I'm so old.......I don't buy green bananas anymore.
The Snap Crackle Pop in the morning ain't my Rice Krispies.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy......and some days I let him sleep.
New from Campbell Soups:  "Larger Type" alphabet soup for seniors.
I'm not old.  I'm chronologically gifted.

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In 1795, the 11th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution dealing with states' sovereign immunity was ratified.

In 1904, a fire began in Baltimore that raged for about 30 hours and destroyed more than 1,500 buildings.

In 1948, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower resigned as Army chief of staff; he was succeeded by Gen. Omar Bradley.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy imposed a full trade embargo on Cuba.

In 1983, Elizabeth H. Dole was sworn in as the first female secretary of transportation by the first woman to sit on the Supreme Court, Justice Sandra Day O'Conner.

In 1984, space shuttle Challenger astronauts Bruce McCandless II and Robert L. Stewart went on the first untethered space walk which lasted nearly six hours.

In 2008, a gunman opened fire at a Kirkwood, Missouri, council meeting, killing three city officials and two police officers before being fatally shot by law enforcement.

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Today-----------Author Gay Talese is 81 and Former Sen. Herb Kohl, D-Wis, is 78.

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Febrary 7th is:  Ballet Day, *"e" Day (math), Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day and Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day.

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Quip for the day........You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

*--e-Day celebrates the mathematical constant e (2.7182818) on February 7 (2/7) in the month/day date format or January 27 (27/1) in the day/month format.

What is e?

Euler's constant "e" is also known as "Euler's number" after the Swiss mathematician Leonhard Euler. The constant e was discovered by several mathematicians who didn't know of its significance until Euler started to use the letter e for the constant around 1727. It is an irrational number that represents the idea that all continually growing systems are a scaled version of a common rate. The constant e is mostly used in logarithms, exponential growth, and complex numbers.

What do people do?

Many celebrate e-Day as Euler's constant day on February 7 (2/7) in the month/day date format. It is a day where people recognize the significance of the number e, which is approximately 2.71828. Although this is the most commonly recognized holiday for e-Day, there are other worldwide events that are observed that have nothing to do with the e number constant.

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You did want to know this, right?

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------so-so.........

Two mathematicians are traveling in a hot-air balloon.  They realize they're lost.  They shout down to a guy on the ground:  "Where are we?"

The guy on the ground thinks for a bit, then shouts up:  "You're in a hot-air balloon."

One mathematician says to the other, "Well, that guy was a physicist for sure."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, first of all, he took awhile to think up a response.  Second, his answer is logical.  Third, it's completely useless."

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In 1693, a charter was granted for the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg in the Virginia Colony.

In 1910, the Boy Scouts of America was incorporated.

In 1922, President Warren G. Harding had a radio installed in the White House.

In 1968, three college students were killled in a confrontation with highway patrolmen in Orangeburg, South Carolina, during a civil rights protest against a whites-only bowling alley.

In 1971, NASDAQ, the world's first electronic stock exchange, held its first trading day.

In 1993, General Motors sued NBC alleging that "Dateline NBC" had rigged two car-truck crashes to show that 1973-to-1987 GM pickups were prone to fires in side-impact crashes.  (NBC settled the lawsuit the following day and apologized for its "unscientific demonstration.")

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Today--------Composer-conductor John Williams is 81, Newscaster Ted Koppel is 73, Actor Nick Nolte is 72, Comedian Robert Klein is 71, Actor-rock musician Creed Bratton is 70, Actress Brooke Adams is 64 and Actress Mary Steenburgen is 60.

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February 8th is:  Boy Scout Anniversary Day, Laugh And Get Rich Day and Opera Day.

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Quip for the day........I'm not worried about losing my job to a computer.  They have yet to build a machine that does absolutely nothing.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------good one...........

A guy and his ditzy girlfriend are sitting at the bar, watching TV.  The news is on.  The anchowoman says, "In a story out of Rio de Janeiro, five Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident today."

The girlfriend burst into tears.  She couldn't be consoled.

Her boyfriend pleaded with her, "Honey, they were participating in a risky sport.  They knew the dangers."

She nodded, still sobbing, and said, "I know, but it's so terrible.  There were so many of them.  How many is a Brazilian anyway?"

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In 1825, the House of Representatives elected John Quincy Adams president after no candidate received a majority of electoral votes.

In 1942, daylight-saving "War Time" went into effect in the United States, with clocks turned one hour forward.

In 1963, the Boeing 727 went on its first-ever flight as it took off from Renton, Washington.

In 1964, The Beatles made their first live American television appearance on "The Ed Sullivan Show," broadcast from New York on CBS.

In 1971, a magnitude 6.6 earthquake in the San Fernando Valley claimed 65 lives.

In 1971, the crew of Apollo 14 returned to Earth after man's third landing on the Moon.

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Today---------Television journalist Roger Mudd is 85, Actress Janet Suzman is 74, Actress-politician Sheila James Kuehl is 72, Singer-songwriter Carole King is 71, Actor Joe Pesci is 70, Singer Barbara Lewis is 70, Actress Mia Farrow is 68, Singer Joe Ely is 66, Actress Judith Light is 64 and R&B musician Dennis "DT" Thomas is 62.

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February 9th is:  National Stop Bullying Day and Read In The Bathtub Day.

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Quip for the day......A sign seen on a farmer's fence...."The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free.....but the bull charges."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----old Steven Wright one-liners...

Questions to ponder....

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands off with soap?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will get in there and clean them?

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In 1763, Britain, Spain and France signed the Treaty of Paris ending the Seven Years War (known as the French and Indiian War in America.)

In 1962, the Soviet Union exchanged captured America U-2 pilot Frances Gary Powers for Rudolf Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.

In 1967, the 25th Amendment to the Constitution, dealing with presidential disability and succession, was ratified as Minnesota and Nevada adopted it.

In 1968, U.S. figure skater Peggy Fleming won America's only gold medal of the Winter Olympic Games in Grenoble, France.

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Today-----Cinematographer Douglas Slocombe is 100, Opera singer Leontyne Price is 86, Rock musician Don Wilson is 80, Singer Roberta Flack is 76, Singer Jimmy Merchant is 73, Rock musician Bob Spalding is 66, Olympic gold-medal swimmer Mark Spitz is 63 and Actor Robert Wagner is 83.

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February 10th is:  Plimsoll Day, World Marriage Day and Chinese New Year.

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Quip for the day........If I want your opinion, I'll have to ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Larryj