another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------good one.....

My grandmother is so practical.  Let me tell you a story to illustrate my point.

One day she was sitting on the beach, wearing a proper hat, of course, and she was engrossed in a good novel.

Suddenly, she was interrupted by a beggar.

"Please, Ma'am," the stranger said, extending his hand.  "I haven't eaten all day."

She sized him up, then said, "Good. Now you won't have to worry about the cramps when you go in for a swim!"

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In 1845, Congress decided all national elections would be held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.

In 1933, the 20th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, the so-called "Lame Duck Amendment" was ratified as Missouri approved it.

In 1960, the U.S. Navy-operated bathyscaphe Trieste carried two men to the deepest known point in the Pacific Ocean, reaching a depth of more than 35,000 feet.

In 1964, the 24th Amendment to the Constitution, eliminating the poll tax in federal elections, was ratified.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon announced an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War, and would be formally signed four days later in Paris.

In 1977, the TV mini-series "Roots," based on the Alex Haley novel, began airing on ABC.

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Today-------Actress Jeanne Moreau is 85, Actress Chita Rivera is 80, Actor-director Lou Antonio is 79, Actor Gil Gerard is 70, Actor Rutger Hauer is 69, R&B singer Jerry Lawson is 69, Singer Anita Pointer is 65, Actor Richard Dean Anderson is 63, Rock musician Bill Cunningham is 63 and Rock singer Robin Zander is 60.

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January 23rd is:  National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day and Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day.

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Quip for the day.....If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time".............you're the Grandma.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------hah...........

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. Saint Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. Saint Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!," replies Saint Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks Saint Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says Saint Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

Saint Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues...

"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!"

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In 1848, James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill in northern California, a discovery that led to the gold rush of '49.

In 1908, the Boys Scouts movement began in England under the aegis of Robert Baden-Powell.

In 1961, a U.S. Air Force B-52 crashed near Goldsboro, North Carolina, dropping its payload of two nuclear bombs, neither of which went off; three crew members were killed.

In 1965, Winston Churchill died in London at age 90.

In 2003, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security officially opened as its head, Tom Ridge, was sworn in.

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Today-------Actor Jerry Maren is 94, Actor Marvin Kaplan is 86, Cajun musician Doug Kershaw is 77, Singer-songwriter Ray Stevens is 74, Singer-songwriter Neil Diamond is 72, Singer Aaron Neville is 72, Actor Michael Ontkean is 67, Actor Daniel Auteuil is 63 and Comedian Yakov Smirnoff is 62.

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January 24th is:  Belly Laugh Day, Beer Can Day, National Compliment Day, National Peanut Butter Day, Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day and Women's Healthy Weight Day.

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Quip for the day.......Catholic Terminology.......AMEN....def.  The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---late day, grandkids, dentist, grocery shopping........sigh..

Sometimes even the best advice goes awry........

Guy goes to the doctor.
Doctor:  "How are you doing?"
Patient:  "Things could be better."
Doctor:  "Have you taken my advice and slept with the windows open?"
Patient:  "Yes."
Doctor:  "And has your asthma disappeared completely?"
Patient:  "No, but my watch, my wallet, my TV and my computer have."

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In 1890, the United Mine Workers of America was founded in Columbus, Ohio.

In 1915, Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated U.S. transcontinental telephone service between New York and San Francisco.

In 1947, American gangster Al Capone died in Miami Beach, Florida, at age 48.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy held the first presidential news conference to be carried live on radio and television.

In 1981, the 52 Americans held hostage by Iran for 444 days arrived in the United States.

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Today------Actor Gregg Palmer is 86, Actor Dean Jones is 82, Country singer Claude Gray is 81, Movie director Tobe Hooper is 70 and  Actress Leigh Taylor-Young is 68.

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January 25th is:  A Room Of One's Own Day, Fun At Work Day, Macintosh Computer Day and National Pre-school Fitness Day.

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Quip for the day.......If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------gotcha...

A preacher was strolling down the sidewalk.  He sees a boy across the street, jumping up and down on a porch, trying to reach the doorbell.  The preacher crosses the street to help the lad.

He says, "Allow me," and pushes the doorbell.  He smiles at the boy and says, "Now what?"

The little prankster cries, "RUN!" and takes off.

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In 1784, in a letter to his daughter Sally, Benjamin Franklin expressed unhappiness over the choice of the eagle as the symbol of America, and stated his preference:  the turkey.

In 1942, the first American Expeditionary Force to go to Europe during World War II arrived in Belfast, Northern Ireland.

In 1962, the United States launched Ranger 3 to land scientific instruments on the moon -- but the probe ended up missing its target by more than 22,000 miles.

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Today---Actress Anne Jeffreys is 90, Actress Joan Leslie is 88, Cartoonist Jules Feiffer is 84, Sportscaster-actor Bob Uecker is 78, Actor Scott Glenn is 74, Singer Joan Knight is 70, Activist Angela Davis is 69, Rock musician Corky Laing is 65, Actor David Strathaim is 64 and Country singer-songwriter Lucinda Williams is 60.

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January 26th is:  Lotus 1-2-3 Day, National Peanut Brittle Day, National Seed Swap Day and Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement.

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Quip for the day........You know you are getting old when all you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of your age.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------old, repeat, back to the archives........

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

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In 1880, Thomas Edison received a patent for his electric incandescent lamp.

In 1888, the National Geographic Society was incorporated in Washington, D.C.

In 1951, an era of atomic testing in the Nevada desert began as an Air Force plane dropped a one-kiloton bomb on Frenchman Flat.

In 1967, astronauts Virgil I. "Gus" Grissom, Edward H. White and Roger B. Chaffee died in a flash fire during a test aboard their Apollo spacecraft.

In 1973, the Vietnam peace accords were signed in Paris.

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Today------Singer Bobby "Blue" Bland is 83, Actor James Cromwell is 73, Actor John Witherspoon is 71, Rock musician Nick Mason (Pink Floyd) is 68, R&B singer Nedra Talley (The Ronettes) is 67 and Ballet star Mikhail Baryshnikov is 65.

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January 27th is:  Auschwitz Liberation Day, Holocaust Memorial Day, Thomas Crapper Day, Vietnam Peace Day and World Leprosy Day.

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Quip for the day......You know you're getting old when everything hurts.  Anything that doesn't hurt doesn't work.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------funny.......

Joe finally tied the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some equipment for an upcoming hunting trip with the boys.

His bride stood there in the garage watching him.  Finally, she spoke.  "Honey, I've been thinking.  Now that we are married, I think it's time for you to quit hanging out with the guys.  Maybe you should just sell all that hunting and camping stuff."

Joe got a horrified look on his face.  He said, "Now you're sounding like my ex-wife."

She said, "Ex-wife!  I didn't know you were married before!"

He said, "I wasn't."

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In 1909, the United States withdrew its forces from Cuba as Jose Miguel Gomez became president.

In 1915, the United States Coast Guard was created as President Woodrow Wilson signed a bill merging the Life-Saving Service and Revenue Cutter Service.

In 1962, the last of Washington, D.C.'s streetcars made its final run.

In 1973, a cease-fire officially went into effect in the Vietnam War.

In 1980, six U.S. diplomats who had avoided being taken hostage at their embassy in Tehran flew out of Iran with the help of Canadian diplomats.

In 1986, the space shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff from Cape Canaveral, killing all seven crew members, including schoolteacher Christa McAuliffe.

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Today------Actor-dancer John Ronald Dennis is 88, Actor Alan Alda is 77, Actress Susan Howard is 71, Actress Marthe Keller is 68 and Actress-singer Barbie Benton is 63.

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January 28th is:  Data Privacy Day, National Kazoo Day, Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day and Thank A Plugin Developer Day.

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Quip for the day.......All marriages are happy.  It's living together afterwards that is difficult.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------I think I might have heard this one......

Well, it is not a pretty story -- about 200 dead crows on the expressway just outside of Boston.

A bird pathologist examined the remains and determined that all the birds had been killed by impact with trucks, none by cars.

The city then hired an ornithologist behaviorist to explore the mystery.  He was able to determine the cause in short order.  When crows eat road kill, they always post a lookout crow in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah!" but could not say "Truck!"

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In 1845, Edgar Allan Poe's poem "The Raven" was first published in the New York Evening Mirror.

In 1863, the Bear River Massacre took place as the U.S. Army attacked Shoshone in present-day Idaho.

In 1863, the New York Stock & Exchange Board changed its name to the New York Stock Exchange.

In 1919, the ratification of the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which launched Prohibition, was certified by Acting Secretary of State Frank L. Polk.

In 1936, the first inductees of baseball's Hall of Fame, including Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth, were named in Cooperstown, N.Y.

In 1958, actors Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were married in Las Vegas.

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Today------Actor Noel Harrison is 79, Author Germaine Greer is 74, Actress Katherine Ross is 73, Actor Tom Sellick is 68, Actor Mark Singer is 65, Actress Ann Jillian is 63, Rock musician Tommy Ramone (The Ramones) is 61, Rock musician Louie Perez (Los Lobos) is 60 and Rhythm-and-Blues/funk singer Charlie Wilson is 60.

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January 29th is:  Curmudgeons Day, Freethinkers Day, National Puzzle Day, Seeing Eye Dog Day and Thomas Paine Day.

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Quip for the day.......Well now!  Don't that just fry your tater?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------yup........

A trucking firm was looking to hire some new drivers.  It specifically wanted to hire a pair of drivers to drive together on long hauls.

Two rednecks, Zed and Luke, applied for the job.  The manager decided to interview them separately.  He asked Zed a few questions about his ability to drive trucks.  After a while, he concluded that Zed was a few bricks shy of a fence and then called Luke in.

He asked Luke, "You are driving and Zed is in the back asleep.  You are about to be in a horrific crash.  What would you do?"

Luke thought and thought and then he said, "I know. I know.  I'd wake up Zed."

The manager said, "Why would you do that?"

Luke says, "cuz Zed ain't never seen a horrific crash before."

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In 1968, the Tet Offensive began during the Vietnam War as Communist forces launched surprise attacks against South Vietnamese provincial capitals.

In 1973, the rock group KISS performed its first show at a club in Queens, N.Y.

In 1993, Los Angeles inaugurated its Metro Red Line, the city's first modern subway.

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Today----Actress Dorothy Malone is 88, Producer-director Harold Prince is 85, Actor Gene Hackman is 83, Actress Tammy Grimes is 79, Actress Vanessa Redgrave is 76, Chess grandmaster Boris Spassky is 76, Country singer Jeanne Pruett is 76, Country singer Norma Jean is 75, Former Vice President Dick Cheney is 72, Rock singer Marty Balin is 71, R&B musician William King is 64, Singer Phil Collins is 62 and Actor Charles S. Dutton is 62.

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January 30th is:  Inane Answering Message Day.

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Quip for the day........F ust ation is when you " " key on the keyboa d doesn't wo k.

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La  yj

[larryJ]

Today's--------ouch.....

A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator.  Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, "Does your dog bite?"  The attendant said, "No, he doesn't."  But as the man put his hand down to pet the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room.

Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite."  He directed the attendants attention to the dog, who had now returned to the rug.  The attendant said, "That's not my dog."

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In 1863, during the Civil War, the First South Carolina Volunteers, an all-black Union regiment composed of former slaves, was mustered into federal service at Beaufort, South Carolina.

In 1865, Gen. Robert E. Lee was named general-in-chief of all the Confederate armies.

In 1950, President Harry S. Truman ordered development of the hydrogen bomb.

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Today----Actress Carol Channing is 92, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Ernie Banks is 82, Composer Philip Glass is 76, Actor Stuart Margolin is 73, Actress Jessica Walter is 72, Blues singer-musician Charlie Musselwhite is 69, Actor Glynn Turman is 67, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan is 66 and Singer musician Harry Wayne Casey (KC and the Sunshine Band) is 62.

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January 31st is:  Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day and Inspire Your Heart With Art Day.

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Quip for the day.....Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------short one.....

A guy hails a cab and asked, "How much to take me to the station?"

The cab driver says, "Five bucks, sir."

The guy says, "And how much for the luggage?"

The cab driver says, "No charge for the luggage, sir."

The guy says, "Okay.  Take my suitcase to the station and I'll walk."


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In 1790, the U.S. Supreme Court convened for the first time in New York.

In 1862, "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," a poem by Julia Ward Howe, was published in the Atlantic Monthly.

In 1960, four black college students began a sit-in protest at a Woolworth's lunch counter in Greensboro, NC, where they had been refused service.

In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia broke up during re-entry killing all seven of its crew members.

In 2008, Don Cornelius, 74, creator of "Soul Train," died in Los Angeles.

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Today-------Gospel singer George Beverly Shea is 104, Actor Stuart Whitman is 85, Singer Don Everly is 76, Actor Garrett Morris is 76, TV personality-singer Joy Philbin is 72 and Comedian-actor-director-author Terry Jones is 71.

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February 1st is:  Bubble Gum Day, Car Insurance Day, G.I. Joe Day, Hula In The Coola Day, Give Kids A Smile Day, Freedom Day, Robinson Crusoe Day, Spunky Old Broads Day, Wear Red Day and Working Naked Day.

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Quip for the day.......There is no future in time travel.

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Larryj