another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------BIG OOPS!

A wife comes home one evening and enters the bedroom.  In the dim light, under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of two.

She grabs the baseball bat behind the door and starts pounding on the blanket as hard as she can.  Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading the newspaper.

"Hi, darling," he says.  "Your parents have come to visit us, and I let them stay in our bedroom.  You should go say hello."

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In 1733, James Oglethorpe and some 120 colonists arrived at Charleston, S.C.

In 1794, President George Washington approved a measure adding two stars and two stripes to the American flag, following the admission of Vermont and Kentucky to the Union.

In 1966, Robert C. Weaver was named Secretary of Housing and Urban Development by President Lyndon B. Johnson; Weaver became the first black Cabinet member.

In 1990, L. Douglas Wilder of Virginia became the nation's first elected black governor.

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Today---------Actress Frances Sternhagen is 83, TV personality Nick Clooney is 79, Comedian Rip Taylor is 79, Actor Billy Gray is 75 and Actor Richard Moll is 70.

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January 13th is:  Public Radio Broadcasting Day, Rubber Duckie Day and Stephen Foster Day.

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Quip for the day....I've been in love with the same woman for many years.  If my wife ever finds out she will kill me.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---kids......

Attending a wedding for the first time, the little girl whispered to the mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

The mother whispered, "Because white is the color of brightness, and today is the brightest, happiest day of her life."

The little girl thought about this for a moment.  Then she tugged on her mother's sleeve and whispered, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

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In 1784, the United States ratified a peace treaty with England ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and French General Charles de Gaulle opened a wartime conference in Casablanca.

In 1993, TV talk show host David Letterman announced he was moving from NBC to CBS.

In 2008, Republican Bobby Jindal, the first elected Indian-American governor in the United States, took office in Louisiana.

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Today-------Former NAACP Chairman Julian Bond is 73, Actress Faye Dunaway is 72, Movie writer-director Lawrence Kasdan is 64 and Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Maureen Dowd is 61.

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January 14th is:  Caesarian Section Day, Dress Up Your Pet Day, National Clean Off Your Desk Day, Organize Your Home Day and Ratification Day.

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Quip for the day.......The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------old favorite.......

Sandy and Norman were in dispair.  Their 5-year-old son Timmy had never spoken.  Not a single word.

They had taken him to specialists, but to no avail.  They read books and done research on the Internet.  They could find no solution to the problem.

One morning, at breakfast, Timmy announced, "The toast is burnt."

Sandy and Norman sat there is shock.  Timmy not only had spoken his first words, but he had uttered an entire sentence.

Sandy started crying with joy.  Norman went over and gave Timmy a big hug.  He said, "Timmy, you can speak!  Why haven't you said anything until now?"

Timmy answered, "You never burnt the dang toast before."

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In 1913, actor Lloyd Bridges was born in San Leandro, CA.

In 1929, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was born in Atlanta, Georgia.

In 1943, work was completed on the Pentagon, headquarters of the U.S. Department of War.

In 1947, the mutilated remains of 22-year-old Elizabeth Short, who came to be known as the "Black Dahlia," were found in a vacant Los Angeles lot; her slaying remains unsolved.

In 1954, Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio got married at San Francisco City Hall.

In 2009, US Airways Capt. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger ditched his Airbus 320 in the Hudson River after a flock of birds disabled both engines; all 155 people aboard survived.

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Today-----------Actress Margaret O'Brien is 76 and Actress Andrea Martin is 66.

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January 15th is:  Humanitarian Day.

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Quip for the day...........We don't need gun control.  We need idiot control.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------good one.......

It's all in the wording, isn't it?

Jim was always sort of a grouch, but today he was REALLY in a bad mood.  He walked into his favorite diner.  He was used to the place.  And the place was used to him.

He plopped himself down at the counter.  "Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes," he snapped at the waitress.

Shortly, his order was brought out.  Jim harumphed.  The waitress said brightly, "Enjoy!"  She walked away.

Jim took a look at his plate, then poked at the steak with his fork, then hollered after the waitress, "Say, didn't you hear me say WELL DONE?"

The waitress called back, "Why, thank you!  That's the nicest compliment I've heard all day.  I'm ALWAYS happy to hear about it when I've done well."

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In 1883, the U.S. Civil Servcice Commission was established.

In 1920, Prohibition began in the United States as the 18th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution took effect, one year to the day after its ratification.  (It was later repealed by the 21st Amendment.)

In 1935, fugitive gangster Fred Barker and his mother, Kate "Ma" Barker, were killed in a shootout with the FBI at Lake Weir, Florida.

In 1942, actress Carole Lombard, 33, her mother Elizabeth and 20 other people were killed when their plane crashed near Las Vegas while en route to California from a war-bond promotion tour.

In 1978, NASA named 35 candidates to fly on the space shuttle, including Sally K. Ride, who became America's first woman in space, and Guion S. Bluford Jr., who became America's first black astronaut in space.

In 1991, the White House announced the start of Operation Desert Storm to drive Iraqi forces out of Kuwait.

In 2003, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off under extremely tight security for what turned out to be its last flight;  on board was Israel's first astronaut, llan Ramon.  (The mission ended in tragedy on Feb. 1 when the shuttle broke up during its return descent, killing all seven crew members.)

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Today---------Author William Kennedy is 85, Author-editor Norman Podoretz is 83, Opera singer Marilyn Horne is 79, Hall-of-Fame auto racer A.J. Foyt is 78, Singer Barbara Lynn is 71, Country singer Ronnie Milsap is 70, Country singer Jim Stafford is 69, Talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger is 66, Movie director John Carpenter is 65 and Actress-dancer-choreographer Debbie Allen is 63.

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January 16th is:  Appreciate A Dragon Day, Nothing Day, Robert E. Lee Day and Religious Freedom Day.

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Quip for the day......A bad attitude is like a flat tire......you can't go anywhere until you change it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------oops.......

Two friends were working a construction site.  One accidently cuts his arm off and his buddy grabs the arm, puts it in a plastic bag and rushes his friend to the hospital.  The next day, he goes to visit his friend and finds him playing ping-pong!  He thinks to himself how wonderful medical technology has advanced.

Sometime later, the guy who cut off his arm cuts off his leg.  Again, his buddy grabs the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and rushes his friend to the hospital.  The next day, he goes to visit and finds his friend jogging up and down the corridor.  Again, he marvels at the wonderful medical technology.

After a few weeks, the guy who had cut off his arm and then his leg fell against a big saw and cut off his head.  His friend grabs the head and puts it in a plastic bag and rushes his buddy to the hospital.  The next day, he goes to visit, expecting the greatest of medical miracles, but can't find his friend.  He finds the doctor and asks about him.  The doctor replied, "Sorry, we just couldn't save him.  Some fool put his head in a plastic bag and he

ARE YOU READY?

suffocated.

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In 1929, Popeye the Sailor debuted in the "Thimble Theate" comic strip.

In 1950, the Great Brink's Robbery took place as seven masked men held up a Brink's garage in Boston, stealing $1.2 million in cash and $1.5 million in checks and money orders.  (Although the entire gang was caught, only part of the loot was recovered.)

In 1961, President Dwight D. Eisenhower delivered his last address and warned against "the acquistion of unwarranted influence whether sought or unsought by the military-industrial complex."

In 1977, convicted murderer Gary Gilmore, 36, was shot by a firing squad at Utah State Prison in the first U.S. execution in a decade.

In 1994, a 6.7 magnitude earthquake struck Southern California, killing at least 72 people.

In 2007, Bobby Fischer, the chess grandmaster who became a Cold War icon when he dethroned the Soviet Union's Boris Spassky as world champion in 1972, died in Reykjavik, Iceland, at age 64.

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Today--------Actor James Earl Jones is 82, Talk show host Maury Povich is 74, International Boxing Hall-of-Famer Muhammad Ali is 71, Pop singer Chris Montez is 71, Rhythm-and-blues singer William Hart is 68, Rock singer Mick Taylor is 65 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Sheila Hutchinson is 60.

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January 17th is:  Cable Car Day, Hot Heads Chili Days (17-18), Judgement Day and Kid Inventor's Day.

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Quip for the day.....Contrary to popular belief, Roe v. Wade is not about a decision on how to cross a river.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------another take on an oldie.....

He wasn't sure if the dog was dead or not, so he took it to the vet.  He told the vet of his problem, and the vet said that there was a sure-fire way to see if the dog was indeed dead.

He left the room and returned with a cat.  He rubbed the cat in the dog's face and after a while came to the conclusion that the dog was indeed dead.

The man asked the doctor how much he owed him.  The doctor said, "$550."

The man was stunned.  He asked the doctor to explain and the doctor said, "Fifty for the office visit, and $500 for the cat scan."

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In 1778, English navigator Captain James Cook reached the present-day Hawaiian Islands, which he named the Sandwich Islands.

In 1911, the first landing of an aircraft on a ship took place as pilot Eugene B. Ely brought his Curtiss biplane in for a safe landing on the deck of the armored cruiser USS Pennsylvania in San Francisco Harbor.

In 1949, Charles Ponzi, engineer of one of the most spectacular mass swindles in history, died destitute at a hospital in Brazil at age 66.

In 1957, a trio of B-52's completed the first non-stop, round-the-world flight by jet planes, landing at March Air Force Base in California after more than 45 hours aloft.

In 1967, Albert DeSalvo, who claimed to be the "Boston Strangler," was convicted in Cambridge, Massachusetts, of armed robbery, assault and sex offenses.  (Sentenced to life, DeSalvo was killed in prison in 1973.)

In 1993, the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday was observed in all 50 states for the first time.

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Today--------Movie director John Boorman is 80, Singer-songwriter Bobby Goldsboro is 72 and Comedian-singer-musician Brett Hudson is 60.

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January 18th is:  Winnie The Pooh Day, Thesaurus Day, National Sanctity of Human Life Day, Women In Blue Jeans Day and International Fetish Day.

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Quip for the day.........Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------funny......

Harry was very excited about his upcoming marriage.  At the club he could talk about nothing else.

One of his older friends, Ned, clapped him on the back at one point and said, "Congratulations, Harry!  I've been married for more than 20 years, and I can tell you that you always are going to remember today as the happiest day of your life!"

Harry said, "Thanks very much, Ned, but I'm not getting married until tomorrow."

Ned said, "I know."

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In 1937, millionaire Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record by flying his monoplane from Los Angeles to Newark, NJ, in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25 seconds.

In 1953, CBS-TV aired the widely watched episode of "I Love Lucy" in which Lucy Ricardo, played by Lucille Ball, gave birth to Little Ricky.  (By coincidence, Ball gave birth the same day to her son, Desi Arnaz, Jr.)

In 1955, a presidential news conference was filmed for television for the first time, with the permission of President Dwight D. Eisenhower.

In 1960, the Treaty of Mutual Cooperation and Security between Japan and the United States of America was signed by both countries in Washington, D.C.

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Today----Actress Jean Stapleton is 90, Actor Fritz Weaver is 87, Actress Tippi Hedren is 83, Former PBS newsman Robert MacNeil is 82, Movie director Richard Lester is 81, Singer Phil Everly is 74, Actor-singer Michael Crawford is 71, Actress Shelley Fabares is 69, Country singer Dolly Parton is 67, ABC newswoman Ann Compton is 66 and TV chef Paula Deen is 66.

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January 19th is:  Popcorn Day, Tin Can Day and National Day of Service.

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Quip for the day......I've never forgotten the day I got married............and don't think I haven't tried.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------a different take on an old one..........

The mayor visits a factory.  To the boss's great surprise, the mayor greets one of the employees, Morton, with a warm hug.  The same thing happens the next week when the governor visits, and the week after that when the president drops in.

The boss says to Morton, "I bet you don't know the Pope."

Morton shrugs.  "We play golf together."

The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican.  During the benediction, Morton slips away.  Sure enough, he reappears side by side with the Pope.

Two tourists from New Zealand tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, "Who's the guy in white standing there with Morton?"

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(the original was better)

A very rich Texan had heard that this guy Sam knew everybody in the whole world.  He doesn't believe it, so he goes to Sam and says, "I bet $10,000 you don't know everybody in the whole world."

Sam says, "Well, you can keep your money.  I do know eveyone in the whole world."

The Texan says, "Let's prove it by going to the Governor's office and see if you and he know each other."  So they go to the Governor's office, walk in and the Governor stands up and says, "Hey, Sam, how's it going?"

The Texan says, "Well, I bet you and the President don't know each other."  So they fly to Washington and walk into the Oval Office and the President stands up and says, "Hey, Sam, what a nice surprise to have you visit me."

The Texan, getting frustrated, says, "Alright, I bet $1,000,000 you and the Pope don't know each other."  Sam says, "I told you I know everybody.  Keep your money."  The Texan says, "Nope, I need you to prove it to me."

So they fly to the Vatican.  Now, Sam, being a good Catholic, is allowed into the Pope's private chamber, while the Texan has to wait in the plaza below.  The Pope says, "Hey, Sam, it's good to see you.  Come on out to the balcony with me.  I am about to bless the crowd in the plaza."  So they go out onto the balcony and Sam looks down and sees the Texan fainted dead away.  He rushes down and revives him and tells him, "You can keep your money.  I don't need it."

The Texan looks at him and says, "Oh, it's not about the money.  It's the 10,000 Italians asking who is the guy standing up there with Sam?"

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In 1887, the U.S. Senate approved an agreement to lease Pearl Harbor in Hawaii as a naval base.

In 1981, Iran released 52 Americans it had held hostage for 444 days, minutes after the presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan.

In 2003, Secretary of State Colin Powell, faced with stiff resistance and calls for caution, bluntly told the Security Council the the U.N. "must not shrink" from its responsibility to disarm Saddam Hussein's Iraq.

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Today------Country singer Slim Whitman is 89, Comedian Arte Johnson is 84, Olympic gold medal figure skater Carol Heiss is 73, Singer Eric Stewart is 68, Movie director David Lynch is 67, Country-rock musician George Grantham is 66, Actor Daniel Benzali is 63, Rock musician Paul Stanley is 61, Rock musician Ian Hill is 61 and Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin is 83.

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January 20th is: Camcorder Day, National Disc Jockey Day and World Religion Day.

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Quip for the day.......It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.  Now, of course, there's shipping and handling.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------oopsie catagory........

Wilson  wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the very hotel in Florida where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier.  So he goes a day early to make all the arrangements.

That night he emails her, but he misspells the address so it goes to recently widowed woman.

Later, the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer.

On the screen is this email:  "Darling, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow.  Pack light.  It's really hot down here!"

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In 1908, New York City's Board of Aldermen passed an ordinance prohibiting women from smoking in public.  (The measure was vetoed two weeks later by Mayor George B. McClellan Jr.)

In 1954, the first atomic submarine, the USS Nautilus, was launched at Groton, Connecticut.  (However, the Nautilus did not make its first nuclear-powered run until nearly a year later.)

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Today-------Actress Ann Wedgeworth is 79, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Jack Nicklaus is 73, Singer Richie Havens is 72, Singer Mac Davis is 71, Actress Jill Eikenberry is 66, Country musician Jim Ibbotson (The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band) is 66, Singer-songwriter Billy Ocean is 63 and Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is 60.

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January 21st is: Inauguration Day, National Hugging Day, AFRMA Fancy Rat and Mouse Day, Martin Luther King Day and Squirrel Appreciation Day.

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Quip for the day.........A procrastinator's work is never done.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----thanks.......

A man calls a radio DJ and says, "I just found a wallet with a thousand dollars in it.  There's also an ID card inside with a name and an address.  The name is John Smith."

The DJ says, "What do you want me to do about it?"

The caller says, "Can you play him a thank-you song?"

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In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court, in its Roe v. Wade decision, legalized abortions using a trimester approach.

In 1973, former President Lyndon B. Johnson died at his Texas ranch at age 64.

In 1973, George Foreman upset reigning heavyweight champion Joe Frazier with a second round TKO in their match in Kingston, Jamaica.

In 2008, actor Heath Ledger, 28, was found dead of an accidental prescription overdose in a New York City apartment.

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Today-----------Former Sen. Birch Bayh, D-Ind., is 85, Actress Piper Laurie is 81, Actor Seymour Cassel is 78, Author Joseph Wambaugh is 76, Actor John Hurt is 73, Singer Steve Perry is 64, Country singer-musician Teddy Gentry (Alabama) is 61 and Movie director Jim Jarmusch is 60.

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January 22nd is:  Answer Your Cat's Questions Day, Celebration Of Life Day, Rid The World Of Fad Diets And Gimmicks Day and Roe v. Wade Day.

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Quip for the day......A good friend will come bail you out of jail......but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn, we screwed up."

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Larryj