another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------oldie but goodie.......

A husband and wife are Christmas shopping.  The mall is packed.  The couple becomes separated.

The wife looks around impatiently, can't spot her husband, so she phones him.  "Where are you?" she demands.

He replies, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we visited a few years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace, and we couldn't afford it, but I promised you I would buy it for you one day?"

The wife, overcome, says, "Oh, darling, of course I remember!"

The husband says, "Well, I'm in the Hooters Bar right next to it."

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In 1773, the Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea into Boston Harbor to protest tea taxes.

In 1811, the first of the powerful New Madrid earthquakes struck the central Mississippi Valley with an estimated magnitude of 7.7.

In 1907, 16 U.S. Navy battleships, which became known as the "Great White Fleet," set sail on a 14-month round-the-world voyage to demonstrate American sea power.

In 1944, the World War II Battle of the Bulge began as German forces launched a surprise attack against Allied forces in Belgium; the Allies were eventually able to beat the Germans back.

In 1976, the government halted its swine flu vaccination program following reports of paralysis apparently linked to the vaccine.

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Today------Civil rights atttorney Morris Dees is 76, Actress Joyce Bulifant is 75, Actress Liv Ullmann is 74, CBS News correspondent Lesley Stahl is 71, TV producer Stephen Bochco is 69, Pop singer Tony Hicks (The Hollies) is 67, Pop singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 66, Actor Ben Cross is 65, Rock singer-musician Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top) is 63 and Rock musician Bill Bateman (The Blasters) is 61.

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December 16th is:  Barbie and Barney Backlash Day, National Chocolate-covered Anything Day and Zionism Day.

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Quip for the day........Ham and eggs........a day's work for a chicken........a lifetime committment for a pig.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------hah........

Elephants are very, very sensitive.

If you don't believe it, here's a story that will prove the point, and it dates all the way back to Bible times.

It seems a pair of fleas was tired of waiting at the back of the line to get on Noah's Ark.

They started jumpin from one animal to another so they could move closer and closer to the front.

Finally, they landed on the back of an elephant.

The elephant turned to its mate and said, testily, "I knew it.  Here we go with the pushing and shoving!"

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In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful manned powered-airplane flights near Kitty Hawk, N.C., using their experimental craft, the Wright Flyer.

In 1939, the German pocket battleship Admiral Graf Spee was scuttled by its crew, ending the World War II Battle of the River Plate off Uruguay.

In 1944, the U.S. Army announced it was ending its policy of excluding Japanese-Americans from the West Coast.

In 1957, the United States successfully test-fired the Atlas intercontinental ballistic missile for the first time.

In 1975, Lynette Fromme was sentenced in Sacramento to life in prison for her attempt on the life of President Gerald R. Ford.

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Today-----------Rock singer-musician Art Neville is 75, Actor Bernard Hill is 68, Actor Ernie Hudson is 67, Actor Joel Brooks is 63, Rock singer Paul Rodgers is 63 and Actor Wes Studi is 65.

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December 17th is:  Wright Brothers Day and Free Shipping Day.

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Quip for the day........from George Carlin......If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkees and apes?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------groaner......

The mischievious boy found his seat on the airplane.  He was flying alone.

A man took the seat next to him, and said, "Hello."

The boy answered, "Hello."

The plane took off, and neither said a word for some time.  The man started reading a newspaper.

Suddenly the boy spoke.  "My mother's name is Smiling, and my father's name is Laughing," he said.

The man looked at him, quizzically, and said, "You're kidding!"

The boy grinned and said, "Kidding?  No, that's my brother.  I'm Joking!"

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In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, abolishing slavery, was declared in effect by Secretary of State William H. Seward.

In 1892, Tchaikovsky's ballet "The Nutcracker" publicly premiered in St. Petersburg, Russia.

In 1944, in a pair of rulings, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the wartime relocation of Japanese-Americans, but also said undeniably loyal Americans of Japanese ancestry could not continue to be detained.

In 1962, "Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol," an animated musical adaptation of the Charles Dickens story, first aired on NBC-TV.

In 1972, the United States began heavy bombing of North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War.  (The bombardment ended 11 days later.)

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Today------Former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark is 85, Actor-producer Roger Smith is 80, Blues musician Lonnie Brooks is 79, Actor Roger Mosley is 74, Rock singer-musician Keith Richards is 69, Writer-director Alan Rudoph is 69, Movie producer-director Steven Spielberg is 66, Blues artist Ron Piazza is 65, Movie director Gillian Armstrong is 62 and Movie reviewer Leonard Maltin is 62.

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December 18th is:  Answer the telephone like Buddy the Elf Day and International Migrants Day.

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Quip for the day........Where do you find a dog with no legs?  Right where you left him!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---yep.......

Thanks to the song "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer," we know that Santa has 12 reindeer.

Remember the line, "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."  That makes eight reindeer.

Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine.

Then there's Olive.  As in, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."  That makes ten.

The eleventh is Howe.  You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him."  Eleven reindeer.

And number 12?  That's Andy!  "Andy shouted out with glee."

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In 1777, Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, PA., to camp for the winter.

In 1843, "A Christmas Carol," by Charles Dickens, was first published in England.

In 1972, Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, winding up the Apollo program of manned lunar landings.

In 1998, President Bill Clinton was impeached by the Republican-controlled House for perjury and obstruction of justice.  (He was later acquitted by the Senate.)

In 2002, Secretary of State Colin Powell declared Iraq in "material breach" of a U.N. disarmament resolution.

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Today---------Country singer Little Jimmy Dickens is 92, Actress Cicely Tyson is 79, Rhythm-and-blues singer-musician Maurice White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 71, Actress Elaine Joyce is 69, Actor Tim Reid is 68, Rock singer Alvin Lee (Ten Years After) is 68, Musician John McEuen is 67, Singer Janie Fricke is 65 and Jazz musician Lenny White is 63.

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December 19th is:  Day For South-South Cooperation.

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Quip for the day......Everyone knows that Santa is a man.  No woman would wear the same outfit year after year.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------Christmas Q&A.......

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic.

What does Santa like to do in his garden?
Ho Ho Ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you call a duck wearing jingle bells?
Christmas Quacker.

Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping.

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In 1790, the first successful cotton mill in the United States began operating at Pawtucket, Rhode Island.

In 1803, the Louisiana Purchase was completed as ownership of the territory was formally transferred from France to the United States.

In 1860, South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union as all 169 delegates to a special convention in Charleston voted in favor of separation.

In 1945, the Office of Price Administration announced the end of tire rationing, effective Jan. 1, 1946.

In 1978, former White House chief of staff H.R. Haldeman was released from prison after serving 18 months for his role in the Watergate coverup.

In 1989, the United States launched Operation Just Cause, sending troops into Panama to topple the government of Gen. Manuel Noriega.

In 2002, Trent Lott resigned as Senate Republican leader two weeks after igniting a political firestorm with racially charged remarks.

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Today------Actress Audrey Totter is 95, Actor John Hillerman is 80, Rock musician-music producer Bobby Colomby is 68, Rock musician Peter Criss is 67, Psychic/illusionist Uri Geller is 66, Producer Dick Wolf (Law & Order) is 66, Rock musician Alan Parsons is 64 and Actress Jenny Agutter is 60.

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December 20th is:  International Human Solidarity Day, Mudd Day and National Re-gifting Day.
Note:  The "Day for South-South Cooperation" posted yesterday is invalid....should be September 12.

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Quip for the day........The real reason Santa is so jolly.......He knows where all the bad girls live!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----been a busy and long day.......

I stopped for the night in a small town in the Deep South.  There was a Nativity scene in the park across the street from the motel.  The Three Wise Men were wearing firemen's helmets.

I asked the motel clerk about it.  She said, "You Yankees!  I reckon you all don't read yer Bible much."  She pronounced it, "Babble."

I smiled and said I was familiar with the Bible, but I didn't recall any passages dealing with firemen.

Well, she had a Bible right there behind the counter.  She whipped it out, flipped through it, found the page she wanted, then jabbed it in my face.  "See!" she said, "It says right thar.  'Three Wise Men came from afar."

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In 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at present-day Plymouth, Massachusetts.

In 1945, Gen. George S. Patton died in Heidelberg, Germany.

In 1988, 270 people were killed when a terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pam Am Boeing 747 over Scotland.

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Today--------Country singer Freddie Hart is 86, Actor Ed Nelson is 84, Talk show host Phil Donahue is 77, Movie director John Avildsoen is 77, Actress Jane Fonda is 75, Singer Carla Thomas is 70, Musician Albert Lee is 69, Conductor Michael Tilson Thomas is 68, Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 64 and Movie producer Jeffrey Katzenberg is 62.

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December 21st is: Crossword Puzzle Day, Forefather's Day, Humbug Day, National Homeless Persons Remembrance Day, Phineas Fogg Win A Wager Day, Underdog Day, World Peace Day and Winter Solstice.

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Quip for the day.........That steak is so rare, a good vet could save it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------Hah......

Santa was very upset.  It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right!

Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies.  The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.  The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.  To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious.  "I can't believe it!  I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!"

He continued,  "And I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet!  What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree behind him. He said,  "Yo, fat man!  Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree got its start...

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In 1775, Esek Hopkins was appointed the commander-in-chief of the Continental Navy.

In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Gen. William T. Sherman said in a message to President Abraham Lincoln; "I beg to present you as a Christmas gift---the city of Savannah."

In 1912, Lady Bird Johnson, the wife of President Lyndon B. Johnson, was born in Karnack, Texas.

In 1944, in the World War II Battle of the Bulge, U.S. Brig. Gen. Anthony C. McAulffe rejected a German demand for surrender, writing "Nuts!" in his reply.

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Today------Former House Speaker Jim Wright is 90, Actor Hector Elizondo is 76, Country singer Red Steagall is 74, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Steve Carlton is 68, ABC News anchor Diane Sawyer is 67, Rock singer-musician Rick Nielsen (Cheap Trick) is 66, Rock singer-musician Michael Bacon is 64, Golfer Jan Stephenson is 61 and Baseball All-Star Steve Garvey is 64.

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December 22nd is:  Ann and Samantha Day and National Haiku Poetry Day.

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Quip for the day........Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------oops........

THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY......

The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
It stuck to the walls and the windows, it coated the floor.
There was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance, it smeared every saucer and bowl.
There wasn't a way I could stop it, that turkey was out of control.
I scrubbed and I scraped with displeasure, I thought with chagrin as I mopped,



That I'll never stuff a turkey with popcorn that hasn't been popped!

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In 1783, George Washington resigned as commander in chief of the Continental Army and retired to his home at Mount Vernon, VA.

In 1788, Maryland passed an act to cede an area not exceeding ten miles square for the seat of the national government; about 2/3 of the area became the District of Columbia.

In 1823, the poem "Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" was published anonymously in the Troy (NY) Sentinel; the verse, more popularly known as "Twas the night before Christmas," was later attributed to Clement C. Moore.

In 1928, the National Broadcasting Company set up a permanent coast-to-coast network.

In 1972, in what became known as football's "Immaculate Reception,"  Franco Harris of the Pittsburg Steelers caught a pass thrown by Terry Bradshaw and scored a touchdown after the ball had been deflected during a collision between Jack Tatum of the Oakland Raiders and the Steelers Johm Fuqua; the Steelers won the game (and the AFC division playoff) 13-7 despite some controversy.

In 1986, the experimental airplane Voyager piloted by Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, non-refueled round-the-world flight as it returned safely to Edwards Air Force Base in California.

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Today-------Actor Gerald S. O'Loughlin is 91, Actor Ronnie Schell is 81, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Paul Hornung is 77, Actor Frederic Forrest is 76, Actor James Stacy is 76, Rock musician Jorma Kaukomen is 72, Rock musician Ron Bushy is 71, Actor-comedian Harry Shearer is 69, Gen. Wesley Clark (ret.) is 68, Actress Susan Lucci is 66 and Singer-musician Adrian Belew is 63.

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December 23rd is:  Festivus.

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Quip for the day...........When two egotists meet it's an I for an I.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah......I mean, another oops........

It was the day before Christmas and the magistrate was in a magnanimous mood.  He asked the prisoner who had been brought before him, "What are you charged with?"

The defendant replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping early."

"That's no crime," the magistrate said, "Case dismissed!"  He banged his gavel.

"Thank you very much, your honor," the grateful defendant said.

The judge said, "So, just how early were you doing this shopping?"

The defendant replied, "Before the store opened."

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In 1955, the Continental Air Defense Command Operations Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, fielded a series of phone calls from children wanting to know the whereabouts of Santa Claus after an ad in a local newspaper mistakenly gave the Center's number; thus began a tradition continued by the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) of tracking Santa's location the night before Christmas.

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Today------------Songwriter-bandleader Dave Bartholomew is 92, Recording company executive Mike Curb is 68 and Rock musician Lemmy (Motorhead) is 67.

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December 24th is:  Christmas Eve.

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Quip for the day...........The last thing I want to do is hurt you.......but it is still on the list.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today------is Christmas Day, a time to spend with my family, a time to reflect on the meaning of Christmas and a time to enjoy the looks of my granddaughters as they open their presents.  I will resume this thread tomorrow.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY FORUM FRIENDS!

Larryj