another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----blonde joke day...........no offense, Teresa......

Several years ago my son had this girlfriend.  Of course, he had plenty of girlfriends over the years, and I usually didn't bring them up, but this one was special.

Let me tell you about her.

One day they were riding around, and they decided to stop for something to drink at a 7-eleven.

My son asked the girlfriend to get him a chocolate milk.  She was in the store for awhile.  Finally, she came back our with a carton of half and half.

My son said, "That's not chocolate milk."

The girlfriend said, "It's all they had, so just drink the chocolate half."

I swear.

And she wasn't even a blonde.

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In 1776, British troops captured Fort Washington in New York during the American Revolution.

In 1907, Oklahoma became the 46th state of the union.

In 1933, the United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.

In 1946, the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) was founded at the conclusion of a conference in London.

In 1959, the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical "The Sound Of Music" opened on Broadway.

In 1960, Academy Award-winning actor Clark Gable died in Los Angeles at age 59.

In 1973, Skylab 4, carrying a crew of three astronauts, was launched from Cape Canaveral on an 84-day mission.

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Today-------Actor Clu Gulager is 84, Blues musician W.C. Clark is 73, Actress Joanna Pettet is 70, Actor Steve Railsback is 67, Actor David Leisure is 62 and Actor Miguel Sandoval is 61.

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November 16th is:  International Day For Tolerance and National Button Day.

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Quip for the day......A blonde had a T-shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------College football funnies........

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:  "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.  In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

Q:  How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None.  That's a sophomore course.

Q:  What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
A:  "Will the defendant please rise."

Q:  How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
A:  There's tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Q:  How do you get a former UCLA football player off your porch?
A:  Pay him for the pizza.

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In 1800, Congress held its first session in Washington in the partially completed Capitol building.

In 1911, the African-American fraternity Omega Psi Phi was founded at Howard University in Washington, D.C.

In 1962, Washington Dulles International Airport was dedicated by President John F. Kennedy.

In 1969, the first round of Strategic Arms Limitation Talks between the United States and the Soviet Union opened in Helsinki, Finland.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon told Associated Press managing editors in Orlando, Florida:  "People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook.  Well, I'm not a crook."

In 1979, Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini ordered the release of 13 black and/or female American hostages being held at the U.S. Embassy in Tehran.

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Today--------Rock musician Gerry McGee is 75, Singer Gordon Lightfoot is 74, Movie director Martin Scorsese is 70, Actress Lauren Hutton is 69, Actor-director Danny DeVito  is 68, "Saturday Night Live" producer Lorne Michaels is 68, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Tom Seaver is 68, Movie director Roland Joffe is 67 and Actor Stephen Root is 61.

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November 17th is:  Homemade Bread Day, National Unfriend Day, Playmold's National Day Of Play, Family Volunteer Day, National Adoption Day, National Survivors of Suicide Day and World Prematurity Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.......The place kicker missed an attempt at a field goal.  He was so mad he went to kick himself........and missed again.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------old, but a great reminder.......

HOW TO COOK A TURKEY.

Step 1:  Go buy a turkey.
Step 2:  Take a drink of whiskey.
Step 3:  Put turkey in the oven.
Step 4:  Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
Step 5:  Set the degree at 375 ovens.
Step 6:  Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
Step 7:  Turn the oven on.
Step 8:  Take 4 whisks of drinky.
Step 9:  Turk the basty.
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get.
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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In 1883, the United States and Canada adopted a system of Standard Time zones.

In 1928, Walt Disney's first sound-synchronized animated cartoon "Steamboat Willie" starring Mickey Mouse, premiered in New York.

In 1966, U.S. Roman Catholic bishops did away with the rule against eating meat on Fridays outside of Lent.

In 1978, U.S. Rep. Leo J. Ryan, D-Calif, and four others were killed in Jonestown, Guyana, by members of the Peoples Temple; the killings were followed up by a night of mass murder and suicide by more than 900 cult members.

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Today---Actress Brenda Vaccaro is 73, Actress Linda Evans is 70, Actress Susan Sullivan is 70, Actress-singer Andrea Marcovicci is 64, Rock musician Herman Rarebell is 63, Singer Graham Parker is 62 and Actor Delroy Lindo is 60.

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November 18th is:  Married To A Scorpio Support Day, Mickey Mouse Day and Push-button Phone Day.

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Quip for the day............On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment.........halftime.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------kids.......

Ah, Thanksgiving, always a special time at Grandma's house.

I remember the year young Petey was sitting in Grandma's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

At one point, he asked her, "Grandma, what are you doing now?"

Grandma smiled and replied, "Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey."

Petey considered this for a moment, then said, "Wow!  Are you going to hang it in the living room next to the deer head?"

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In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address as he dedicated a national cemetery at the site of the Civil War battlefield in Pennsylvania.

In 1919, the Senate rejected the Treaty of Versailles by a vote of 55 in favor, 39 against, short of the two-thirds majority needed for ratification.

In 1959, Ford Motor Co. announced it was halting production of the unpopular Edsel.

In 1969, Apollo 12 astronauts Charles Conrad and Alan Bean made the second manned landing on the moon.

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Today--------Talk show host Larry King is 79, Talk show host Dick Cavett is 76, Broadcasting and sports mogul Ted Turner is 74, Singer Pete Moore (Smoky Robinson and the Miracles) is 73, Actor Dan Haggerty is 71, Fashion designer Calvin Klein is 70 and Sportscaster Ahmad Rashad is 63.

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November 19th is:  Equal Opportunity Day, Have A Bad Day Day, International Men's Day, Rocky and Bullwinkle Day and World Toilet Day.

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Quip for the day....An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.......

I used to think our family was the only one that quarreled at Thanksgiving dinner.  I know better now.

One year, our eldest daughter invited her college roommate to join us for the holiday feast.

Naturally, halfway through dinner everyone got into a lively argument over some trivial subject.  Voices were raised.  The bickering went back and forth.

Finally, I announced, "Listen, this is supposed to be a happy occasion.  Plus, we have company.  Can we try to behave?"

There was a long embarrassed silence.

Then, my daughter's roommate spoke.  She said, "Oh, don't worry about me.  I was brought up in a family, too."

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In 1620, Peregrine White was born aboard the Mayflower in Massachusetts Bay; he was the first child born of English parents in present-day New England.

In 1789, New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy held a news conference in which he announced the end of the naval quarantine of Cuba imposed during the missile crisis, and the signing of an executive order prohibiting discrimination in federal housing facilities.

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Today---Nobel Prize-winning author Nadine Gordimer is 89, Actress-comedian Kaye Ballard is 87, Actress Estelle Parsons is 85, Comedian Dick Smothers is 74, Singer Norman Greenbaum is 70, Actress Veronica Hamel is 69, Broadcast journalist Judy Woodruff is 66, Actor Samuel E. Wright is 66, Singer Joe Walsh is 65 and Opera singer Barbara Hendricks is 64.

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November 20th is:  African Industrialization Day, Children's Day, Globally Organized Hug A Runner Day, Name Your PC Day, National Peanut Butter Fudge Day and World Day Of Remembrance For Road Traffic Victims.

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Quip for the day.......(groaner).....The only one not hungry at Thanksgiving dinner is the turkey...........he's already stuffed.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------Thanksgiving Q & A.........

Q:  Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
A:  Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

Q:  Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A:  Because he had the drumsticks!

Q:  Why do turkeys always go, "Gobble, gobble"?
A:  They never learned good table manners!

Q:  What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A:  He got the stuffing knocked out him!

Q:  Why did the turkey cross the road?
A:  It was the chicken's day off!

(groan)

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In 1861, Judah Benjamin, who had been acting Confederate Secretary of War, was formally named to the post.

In 1922, Rebecca L. Felton of Georgia was sworn in as the first woman to serve in the U.S. Senate.

In 1931, the Universal horror film "Frankenstein," starring Boris Karloff as the monster and Colin CLive as his creator, was first released.

In 1942, the Alaska Highway, also known as the Alcan Highway, was formally opened at Soldier's Summit in the Yukon Territory.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon's attorney, J. Fred Buzhardt, revealed the existence of an 18 1/2-minute gap in one of the White House tape recordings related to Watergate.

In 1980, 87 people died in a fire at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.

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Today----------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Stan Musial is 92, Actor Joseph Campanella is 85, Country singer Jean Shepard is 79, Actor Lawrence Luckinbill is 78, Actress Marlo Thomas is 75, Actor Rick Lenz is 73, Singer Dr. John is 72, Actress Juliet Mills is 71, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Earl Monroe is 68, Comedian-director Harold Ramis is 68, Actress Goldie Hawn is 67, Rock musician Lonnie Jordan is 64 and Actress-singer Lorna Luft is 60.

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November 21st is:  Alascattalo Day, GIS Day, Tie One On Day, World Hello Day and World Television Day.

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Quip for the day.........Someday we will look back on all this........and plow into a parked car.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

IF YOUR THANKSGIVING TURKEY IS BURNT.........BE THANKFUL!

Salmonella is no longer a concern!
Pets won't pester you for scraps.
Your broccoli lima bean casserole will gain new appreciation.
You'll get to the desserts faster!
You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
Uncle Otis won't be walking around after dinner with his pants unbuckled.
The smoke alarm was due for testing anyway.

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In 1718, English pirate Edward Teach -- better known as "Blackbeard" -- was killed during a battle off present-day North Carolina.

In 1935, a flying boat, the China Clipper, took off from Alameda carrying more than 100,000 pieces of mail on the first trans-Pacific airmail flight.

In 1954, the Humane Society of the United States was incorporated as the National Humane Society.

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy was shot to death during a motorcade in Dallas, Texas; Texas Gov. John B. Connally, in the same open car as the president, was seriously wounded.  A suspect, Lee Harvey Oswald, was arrested.

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Today-------Movie director Arthur Hiller is 89, Actor Robert Vaughn is 80, Actor Michael Callan is 77, Actor Allen Garfield is 73, Animator and movie director Terry Gilliam is 72, Actor Tom Conti is 71, Singer Jesse Colin Young is 71, Astronaut Guion Bluford is 70, Intenational Tennis Hall-of-Famer Billie Jean King is 69, Rock musician-actor Steve Van Zandt (aka Little Steven) is 62, Rock musician Tina Weymouth is 62 and Retired MLB All-Star Greg Luzinski is 62.

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November 22nd is:  Humane Society Anniversary Day, Turkey-free Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving Day.

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Quip for the day......He was so dumb he couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------from David Letterman......

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU OVERDID IT AT THANKSGIVING DINNER.

10.  You decided to take a little nap afterward, and you're still not up the next day.
9.   You're mistaken for the Garfield balloon.
8.   Grandpa had to use the electric knife to carve you out of your pants.
7.   You're sweating ham glaze.
6.   The booze ran out at 11:00 a.m.
5.   You keep talking about how much you love turkey leftovers, and everyone keeps saying, "Thanks to you, the AREN'T any turkey leftovers.
4.   The most frequently used word during dinner was "Heimlich."
3.   Revenge-seeking turkeys are gathering in your front yard.
2.   You receive a personalized "Thank You" card from the president of Butterball.
And 1.  Even Kirstie Alley kept telling you, "Whoa, pace yourself!"

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In 1765, Frederick County, MD, became the first colonial entity to repudiate the British Stamp Act.

In 1910, American-born physician Hawley Harvey Crippen was hanged at Pentonville Prison in London for murdering his wife, Cora.  (Crippen's mistress, Ethel Le Neve, was acquitted in a separate trial of being an accessory.)

In 1936, Life, the photojournalism magazine created by Henry R. Luce, was first published.

In 1942, during World War II, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure establising the U.S. Women's Coast Guard Reserve, or SPARS (an abbreviation of the U.S. Coast Guard mottor "Semper Paratus" -- Always Ready").

In 1943, during World War II, U.S. forces seized control of Tarawa and Makin atolls from the Japanese.

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Today------Actress Elmarie Wendel is 80, Actor Franco Nero is 71, Actress Susan Anspach is 70, Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas is 68 and Actor-comedy writer Bruce Vilanch is 65.

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November 23rd is:  Black Friday, Buy Nothing Day, Dr. Who Day, Fibonacci Day, Flossing Day, Maize Day, National Day of Listening, National Native American Heritage Day and You're Wecomegiving Day.

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Quip for the day.........The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------Kids........

Fortunately, we have our children to keep us humble.  I'll tell you a story that illustrates the point.

I was hard at work in the kitchen, making a dish that calls for ketchup.  Fortunately, I had just bought a new container, so I was all set.  I thought.

As sometimes happens, the ketchup was obstinate.  I shook and shook, and pounded and pounded, but the ketchup was oh-so-slow to come out.

As I continued to struggle, the phone rang.  I asked my 5-year-old son to answer it.

I heard him say, "Yes, Mommy is home, but she can't come to the phone right now.  She's hitting the bottle.

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In 1941, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Edwards v. California, unanimously struck down a California law prohibiting people from bringing impoverished non-residents into the state.

In 1963, Jack Ruby shot and mortally wounded Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, in a scene captured on live television.

In 1969, Apollo 12 splashed down safely in the Pacific.

In 1971, a hijacker calling himself "Dan Cooper" (but later became known as "D.B. Cooper") parachuted from a Northwest Orient Airlines 727 over the Pacific Northwest after receiving $200,00 in ransom  -- his fate remains unknown.

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Today-------Basketball Hall-of-Famer Oscar Robertson is 74, Country singer Johnny Carver is 72, Rock drummer Pete Best is 71, Actor-comedian Billy Connolly is 70, Singer Lee Michaels is 67, Actor Dwight Schultz is 65 and Actor Stanley Livingston is 62.

(and in the news, Actor Larry Hagman passed away at the age of 81.)

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November 24th is:  Small Business Saturday, Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day, D.B. Cooper Day and International Aura Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day......If everything is going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------more kids........

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the police officer was interrupted by a little girl of about 6 years old.

Looking up and down at the officer's uniform, the girl asked, "Are you a cop?"

The officer answered, as he continued writing, "Yes, I am.  What can I do for you, young lady?"

The little girl said, "Well, my mother said that if I ever needed help, I should ask the police.  Is that right?"

The officer looked up from his report, smiled at the little girl, and said, "Yes, that's right.  Do you need help?"

The little girl said, "Yes, will you please tie my shoe for me?"

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In 1783, the British evacuated New York, their last military position in the United States during the Revolutionary War.

In 1940, the cartoon character Woody Woodpecker made his debut in the animated short "Knock, Knock."

In 1963, the body of President John F. Kennedy was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery; his widow, Jacqueline, lighted an "eternal flame" at the gravesite.

In 1986, the Iran-Contra affair erupted as President Ronald Reagan and Attorney General Edwin Meese revealed that profits from secret arms sales to Iran had been diverted to Nicaraguan rebels.

In 1987, Harold Washington, the first black mayor of Chicago, died in office at age 65.

In 1999, five-year-old Elian Gonzalez was rescued by a pair of sport fishermen off the coast of Florida, setting off an international custody battle.

In 2002, President George W. Bush signed legislation creating the Department of Homeland Security.

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Today-------Actress Noel Neill is 92, Actress Kathryn Crosby is 79, Actor Matt Clark is 76, Actor Christopher Riordan is 75, Singer Percy Sledge is 72, Author, actor and economist Ben Stein is 68, Singer Bob Lind is 68, Actor John Larroquette is 65 and Actor Tracey Walter is 65.

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November 25th is:  International Day For The Elimination Of Violence Against Women, Blase' Day and Shopping Reminder Day.

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Quip for the day.......Police quote......"If you run, you'll just go to jail tired."

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Larryj