another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------so-so.......

A surgeon, an architect and a politician were arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.

Said the surgeon:  "According to the Bible, Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."

Said the architect:  "Maybe, but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was the work of a grand architect."

Said the politician:  "But wait a minute.  Someone had to create the chaos in the first place!"

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In 1860, former Illinois congressman Abraham Lincoln defeated three other candidates for the presidency:  John Breckinridge, John Bell and Stephen Douglas.

In 1861, Confederate President Jefferson Davis was elected to a six-year term of office.

In 1888, Republican Benjamin Harrison won the presidential election, defeating Democratic incumbent Grover Cleveland with an electoral vote count of 233-168, even though Cleveland led in the popular vote.

In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower won re-election, defeating Democrat Adlai E. Stevenson.

In 1990, about one-fifth of the Universal Studios backlot was destroyed in an arson fire.

In 2002, a jury in Beverly Hills convicted actress Winona Ryder of stealing $5,500 worth of high-fashion merchandise from a Saks Fifth Avenue store.  She ended up serving probation.

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Today---------Director Mike Nichols is 81, Country singer Stonewall Jackson is 80, Singer Eugene Pitt (The Jive Five) is 75, Singer P.J. Proby is 74, Country singer Guy Clark is 71, Pop singer Glenn Frey (The Eagles) is 64, Singer Rory Block is 63 and Jazz musician Arturo Sandoval is 63.

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November 6th is:  International Day For Preventing The Exploitation Of The Environment In War And Armed Conflict, Election Day and Saxophone Day.

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Quip for the day..........I would like mornings better if they started later.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah...........

The politician, after a hard-scrabble campaign, spent all evening watching election returns with his team.  It was a close vote, but the tide finally turned in his favor.  Everyone was all smiles.

After accepting back slaps and high fives from his cronies, he prepared to go downstairs to speak to the gathered supporters in the banquet hall.  First, though, he called his wife, who was home in bed with the flu.

"Congratulate me, dear," he said to her.  "I've won."

His wife replied, as if surprised, "Honestly?"

The politician said, sternly, "Now, there's no need to bring up that point!"

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In 1912, black boxing champion Jack Johnson was indicted in Chicago for allegedly violating the Mann Act with a white woman, Belle Schreiber.  (Johnson was convicted and sentence to a year in prison; he fled the U.S., later returning to serve his term.)

In 1916, Republican Jeanette Rankin of Montana became the first woman elected to Congress.

In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented fourth term in office, defeating Thomas E. Dewey.

In 1962, Republican Richard M. Nixon, having lost California's gubernatorial race, held what he called his "last press conference," telling reporters, "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore."

In 1962, Former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt, 78, died in New York City.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon was re-elected in a landslide over Democrat George McGovern.

In 1980, actor Steve McQueen died in Ciudad, Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico at age 50.

In 2007, a cargo ship struck the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge, causing the San Francisco's worst oil spill in nearly two decades.

In 2007, space shuttle Discovery and its crew returned to Earth, concluding a 15-day space station build-and-repair mission.

In 2011, former heavyweight champion boxer Joe Frazier died in Philadelphia at age 67.

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Today-----Evangelist Billy Graham is 94, Actor Barry Newman is 74, Singer Johnny Rivers is 70 and Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 69.

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November 7th is:  National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day.

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Quip for the day......Although He is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------good one.......

I came upon a tombstone inscribed with these lines:

"Remember me as you pass by,
As you are now,
So once was I.
As I am now, so you will be,
So prepare yourself to follow me."

Someone had attached a note to the tombstone.  It was a reply of sorts, with poetic lines of its own.

"To follow you, I am not content,
For I'm not sure which way you went."

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In 1932, New York Democratic Gov. Franklin D. Roosevelt defeated incumbent Herbert Hoover for the presidency.

In 1942, Operation Torch, resulting in an Allied victory, began during World War II as U.S. and British forces landed in French North Africa.

In 1950, during the Korean War, the first jet-plane battle took place as U.S. Air Force Lt. Russell J. Brown shot down a North Korean MIG-15.

In 1972, the premium cable TV network HBO (Home Box Office) made its debut with a showing of the movie "Sometimes a Great Nation."

In 1980, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, CA., announced that the U.S. space probe Voyager I had discovered a 15th moon orbiting the planet Saturn.

In 1994, midterm elections resulted in Republicans winning a majority in the Senate while at the same time gaining control of the House for the first time in 40 years.

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Today----Actor Norman Lloyd is 98, Singer Patti Page is 85, CBS newsman Morley Safer is 81, Singer Bonnie Raitt is 63, TV personality Mary Hart is 62, Former Playboy Enterprises chairman and CEO Christie Hefner is 60 and Actress Alfre Woodard is 60.

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November 8th is:  Abet And Aid Punsters Day, Cook Something Bold And Pungent Day, National Teachers As Parents Day and X-ray Day.

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Quip for the day.....another tombstone......."Here lies Lester Moore.  4 slugs from a .44.  No Les, no more."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------old, but funny.......

Two fellows were at a party, talking, and the subject of wives came up.  Both of the men had plenty to say, and it seemed to be one complaint after another.

"What I can't stand," one of them said, "is how my wife keeps talking about her previous husband."

The other one snorted and replied, "You think that's bad?  My wife won't stop talking about her next husband!"

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In 1620, the passengers and crew of the Mayflower sighted Cape Cod.

In 1960, John F. Kennedy was elected President of the United States.

In 1961, U.S. Air Force Maj. Robert M. White became the first pilot to fly an X-15 rocket plane at six times the speed of sound.

In 1967, a Saturn V rocket carrying an unmanned Apollo spacecraft blasted off from Cape Kennedy on a successful test flight.

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Today--Baseball Hall-of-Famer Whitey Herzog is 81, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Bob Gibson is 77, Actor Charlie Robinson is 67, Movie director Bille August is 64, Actor Robert David Hall is 64 and Actor Lou Ferrigno is 61.

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November 9th is:  Domino Day and National Donor Sabbath Days (9-11).

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Quip for the day...........She got a mudpack and looked good for two days.......then the mud fell off.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------and another old, but funny........

After morning inspections, the surly drill sergeant barked, "All right, you idiots, fall out!"

Most members of the squad saluted and wandered away in every direction, but a single soldier remained steadfast at attention.

The drill instructor walked over indignantly, stood face-to-face with the remaining soldier and lifted a challenging eyebrow.  "Well?" he growled.

The soldier grinned and said, "Sure were a lot of them, huh, sir?"

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In 1775, the U.S. Marines were organized under authority of the Continental Congress.

In 1951, customer-dialed long-distance telephone service began as Mayor M. Leslie Denning of Englewood, NJ., called Alameda Mayor Frank Osborne without operator assistance.

In 1969, the children's educational program "Sesame Street" made its debut on National Educational Television (later PBS.)

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Today---Actor Russell Johnson is 88, Film composer Ennio Morricone is 84, Blues singer Bobby Rush is 78, Actor Albert Hall is 75, Country singer Donna Fargo is 71, Lyricist Tim Rice is 68, Rock singer-musician Greg Lake is 65, Actress-dancer Ann Reinking is 63 and Actor Jack Scalia is 62.

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November 10th is:  Area Code Day, Marine Corps Birthday, National Day of Play, Sesame Street Day and Windows Day.

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Quip for the day......If it's stupid but works...........it isn't stupid.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------Veteran's Day.....

A retired career military man was bragging to the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service.

"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief.  I always told those guys exactly where to get off and they always did exactly what I said."

"Wow, you must have been something," said one of the admiring young soldiers.  "What was your job?"

The vet grinned and replied, "Elevator operator at the Pentagon!"

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In 1889, Washington became the 42nd state.

In 1909, President William Howard Taft accepted the recommendation of a joint Army-Navy board that Pearl Harbor in the Hawaiian Islands be made the principal U.S. naval station in the Pacific.

In 1918, fighting in World War I came to an end with the signing of an armistice between the Allies and Germany.

In 1972, the U.S. Army turned over its base at Long Binh to the South Vietnamese, symbolizing the end of direct U.S. military involvement in the Vietnam War.

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Today--------Comedian Jonathan Winters is 87, Actress Bibi Andersson is 77, Americana roots singer/songwriter Chris Smither is 68, Rock singer-musician Vince Martell is 67, Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller is 61 and Pop singer-musician Paul Cowsill is 61.

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November 11th is:  Death/Duty Day, International Tongue Twister Day, Origami Day, World Kindness Day and VETERAN'S DAY.

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Quip for the day........The only war is the war you fought in.  Every veteran knows that.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------yep.......

The difference between cats and dogs..........

HOW DOGS THINK:  "Hey, these humans make a home for us, prepare food and drink for us, care for our every need, provide for our amusement, shower us with affection, and keep us safe.............THEY MUST BE GODS!"

HOW CATS THINK:  "Hey, these humans make a home for us, prepare food and drink for us, care for our every need, provide for our amusement, shower us with affection, and keep us safe.............WE MUST BE GODS!"

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In 1936, the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge opened as President Franklin D. Roosevelt pressed a telegraph key in Washington, D.C., giving the green light to traffic.

In 1977, the city of New Orleans elected its first black mayor, Ernest "Dutch" Morial, the winner of a runoff.

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Today-----Rhythm and Blues singer Ruby Nash Curtis (Ruby and the Romantics) is 73, Actor-playwright Wallace Shawn is 69, Rock musician Booker T. Jones (Booker T. and the MGs) is 68, Sportscaster Al Michaels is 68, Rock musician Donald "Buck Dharma" Roeser (Blue Oyster Cult) is 65 and Singer-songwriter Neil Young is 67.

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November 12th is:  World Orphan's Day, Chicken Soup For The Soul Day and Elizabeth Cady Stanton Day.

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Quip for the day...When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.  It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----another oldie, but goodie.......

My husband scolds me for leaving the keys in the ingnition.  My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.  As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion

His theory was right.  The parking lot was empty!

I called the police.  Then, after agonizing for awhile, I made the most difficult call of all.  "Honey, I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence.  Then he barked at me, "Are you kidding me?  I dropped you off!"

It was my turn to be silent.  Embarrassed, I finally said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep, these are the golden years, alright.

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In 1789, Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter to a friend, Jean-Baptiste Leroy:  "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."

In 1937, the NBC Symphony Orchestra, formed exclusively for radio broadcasting, made its debut.

In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure lowering the minimum draft age to 18.

In 1956, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public city and state buses.

In 1982, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, designed by Maya Lin, was dedicated on the National Mall in Washington.

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Today----------Actress Madeleine Sherwood is 90, Journalist-author Peter Arnett is 78, Producer-director Garry Marsall is 78, Actor Jimmy Hawkins is 71, Country singer-songwriter Ray Wylie Hubbard is 66, Actor Joe Mantegna is 65 and Actress Sheila Frazier is 64.

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November 13th is:  National Young Readers Day.

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Quip for the day.........Life is like a hot bath.  It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----hah.......

Sorrowfully, Bob approached the house and knocked on the front door.  An old woman of stern appearance answered.

Bob said, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but do you have a large white cat with a pink collar?"

The old lady answered, "Certainly I do.  What is it to you?"

"I'm afraid I just ran over it and killed it," Bob said.

"What?" the woman roared.

"But I'm willing to replace it!" Bob stammered.

The old lady sized him up, then said, "Alright, come on in then.  But you better be good at catching mice!"

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In 1851, Herman Melville's novel "Moby Dick, Or, The Whale" was first published in the United States.

In 1862, during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln gave the go-ahead for Maj. Gen. Ambrose Burnside's plan to capture the Confederate capital of Richmond; the resulting Battle of Fredericksburg proved a disaster for the Union.

In 1944, Tommy Dorsey and his orchestra recorded "Opus No. 1" for RCA Victor.

In 1969, Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon.

In 1972, the Dow Jones Industrial Average closed above the 1,000 level for the first time ending the day at 1,003.16.

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Today-----------Actress Kathleen Hughes is 84, Former MLB All-Star Jimmy Piersall is 83, Former NASA astronaut Fred Haise is 79, Jazz musician Ellis Marsalis is 78, Composer Wendy Carlos is 73, Writer P.J. O'Rourke is 65, Singer-musician Buckwheat Zydeko is 65, Britain's Prince Charles is 64, Rock singer-musician James Young (Styx) is 63 and Singer Stephen Bishop is 61.

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November 14th is:  Lighten Up, Loosen Up Day, National American Teddy Bear Day, National Education Support Professionals Day, International Girl's Day, National Pickle Day, Spirit of National Speaker Association Day, Universal Children's Day and World Diabetes Day.

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Quip for the day.......When you dream in color, it is a pigment of your imagination.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------lost in translation......

You heard about the huge computer the Russians and Americans developed?

To test it out, the Americans fed in the line "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" and had it translated into Russian.

Then, to test the accuracy of the translation, the Russians fed the line back into the computer and had it translated into English.

On the American end, the line came out in English as follows:  "The whiskey is agreeable, but the meat has gone bad!"

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In 1777, the Second Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation.

In 1806, explorer Zebulon Pike sighted the mountaintop now known as Pike's Peak in present-day Colorado.

In 1939, President Franklin D. Roosevelt laid the cornerstone of the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.

In 1942, the naval Battle of Guadalcanal ended during World War II with a decisive U.S. victory over Japanese forces.

In 1966, the flight of Gemini 12 ended successfully as astronauts James A. Lovell and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin Jr. splashed down safely in the Atlantic.

In 1969, a quarter of a million protesters staged a peaceful demonstration in Washington against the Vietnam War.

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Today-------Judge Joseph Wapner is 93, Statesman Howard H. Baker Jr. is 87, Actor Ed Asner is 83, Actor John Kerr is 81, Singer Petula Clark is 80, Comedian Jack Burns is 79, Actress Joanna Barnes is 78, Actor Yaphet Kotto is 73, Actor Sam Waterston is 72, Pop singer Frida is 67, Actor Bob Gunton is 67 and Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is 65.

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November 15th is:  America Recycles Day, Great American Smokeout, Guiness World Record Day, I Love To Write Day, National Bundt (Pan) Day, National Philanthropy Day and Use Less Stuff Day.

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Quip for the day............SUPERCOMPUTER:  What it sounded it like before you bought it.

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Larryj