another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah......

The henpecked husband walks into a bar, looking sad.  The bartender says, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Oh, just a beer, I guess."

The bartender asks the man, "What's the matter?  Why do you look so down?"

The man says, "Oh, my wife and I got into a big fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month."

The bartender says, "I see what you mean.  A month is a long time."

The man says, "Not long enough.  The month is up tonight."

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In 1849, author Edgar Allan Poe died in Baltimore at age 40.

In 1982, the Andrew Lloyd Webber-Tim Rice musical "Cats" opened on Broadway.  (The show closed September 10, 2000, after 7485 performances.)

In 1991, University of Oklahoma law professor Anita Hill publicly accused Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas of making sexually inappropriate comments when she worked for him; Thomas denied Hill's allegations.

In 1992, trade representatives of the United States, Canada and Mexico initialed the North American Free Trade Agreement during a ceremony in San Antonio, Texas.

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Today--------Retired South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu is 81, Former National Security Council aide Lt. Col. Oliver North (ret.) is 69, Rock musician Kevin Godley is 67, Actress Jill Larsen is 65, Country singer Kieran Kane is 63, Singer John Mellencamp is 61, Rock musician Ricky Phillips is 61, Actress Mary Badham is 60 and Comedian (TV: "The Voice") Joy Behar is 70.

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October 7th is:  Change A Light Day, Intergeneration Day, International African Diaspora Day, World Communion Day and You Matter To Me Day.

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Quip for the day.........The last fight was my fault.  My wife asked, "What's on TV?"  I said, "Dust."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------smart......

The old miner was on his death bed.  His much younger wife sat near him.  Struggling to speak, he said, "Dear, I want you to promise that you'll bury me with all my money.  I want to take it with me."

His wife said, dutifully, "I promise."

Later, the man died and the funeral was held.  At its conclusion, the wife tucked a box into her husband's casket just before the lid was closed.

One of her girlfriends said to her, "I hope you didn't just put his money in there, like he asked you to do.  I can't believe you agreed to that."

She said, "Yes, I honored my promise.  That's the way I am."

Her friend said, "So, you really put every cent of his money in that casket?"

The wife said, "Yes, I did.  I got it all together, put it into my account, then wrote him a check."

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In 1871, the Great Chicago Fire erupted; fires also broke out in Peshtigo, Wisconsin, and in several communities in Michigan.

In 1918, U.S. Army Cpl. Alvin C. York led an attack that killed 25 German soldiers and captured 132 others in the Argonne Forest in France.

In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was indicted by a grand jury in New Jersey for murder in the death of the son of Charles A. Lindbergh.

In 1956, Don Larsen pitched the only perfect game in a World Series to date as the New York Yankees beat the Brooklyn Dodgers in Game 5,  2-0.

In 1957, the Brooklyn Baseball Club announced it was accepting an offer to move the Dodgers from New York to Los Angeles.

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Today--------Entertainment reporter Rona Barrett is 76, Actor Paul Hogan is 73, Rhythm-and-blues singer Fred Cash (The Impressions) is 72, Civil rights activist Rev. Jesse Jackson is 71, Comedian Chevy Chase is 69, Author R.L. Stine is 69, TV pesonality Sarah Purcell is 64 and Actress Sigourney Weaver is 63.

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October 8th is:  Alvin C. York Day, Columbus Day, Native American Day, National Depression Screening Day, National Kick Butt Day and National Pierogy Day.

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Quip for the day.......If you remember the sixties..........you weren't really there.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----courtesy of David Letterman.......

I'm walking to work, and it's a lovely day and I see one of those mime performers.  So the mime is doing that famous routine where he's pretending to be trapped in a box.

So I stand there and watch the mime pretend to be trapped in a box.  And he finishes up, and, thank God, he wasn't really trapped in a box.

And I see on the sidewalk there, that he's got a little hat for money -- change, tips, donations, contributions.

So I go over and I pretend to put a dollar bill in his hat.

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In 1936, the first generator at Boulder (later Hoover) Dam began transmitting electricity to Los Angeles.

In 1940, rock and roll legend John Lennon was born in Liverpool, England.

In 1974, businessman Oskar Schindler, credited with saving about 1,200 Jews during the Holocaust, died in Frankfurt, West Germany.  (At his request, he was buried in Jerusalem.)

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Today-----Actor Fyvush Finkel is 90, Rhythm-and-blues singer Nona Hendryx is 68, Singer Jackson Browne is 64, Actor Gary Frank is 62, Actor Richard Chaves is 61, Actor Robert Wuhl is 61 and Actress-TV personality Sharon Osbourine is 60.

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October 9th is:  Leif Erikson Day, National Chess Day, National Face Your Fears Day, National Pro-Life Cupcake Day and World Post Day.

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Quip for the day........My wife complained about not being wanted........so I went to the Post Office and put up her picture.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------groaner.......

A turtle is walking down the sidewalk one day when he is set upon by a gang of snails.

They work him over, and then they work him over again.  Then they take turns working him over.  Then they all gang up and work him over some more.  They work him over until they are exhausted, then finally they leave him beaten and confused in the grass next to the pavement.

Several hours later the turtle summons the strength to crawl to the police station and report the assault.

He is asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers.

He replies, "I really can't tell you what they looked like.  It all happened so fast."

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In 1911, California voters approved Proposition 4, giving women the right to vote, and Proposition 7, which established the initiative process for proposing and enacting new laws.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy, responding to the Thalidomide birth defects crisis, signed an amendment to the Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act requiring pharmaceutical companies to prove that their products were safe and effective prior to marketing.

In 2002, The House voted 296-133 to give President George W. Bush the broad authority he'd sought to use military force against Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, with or without U.N. support.

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Today--------Former Illinois Senator Adlai Stevenson III is 82, Actor Peter Coyote is 71, Entertainer Ben Vereen is 66, Singer John Prine is 66, Actor Charles Dance is 66, Rock singer-musician Cyril Neville (The Neville Brothers) is 64, Actress Jessica Harper is 63 and Author Nora Roberts (aka "J.D. Robb") is 62.

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October 10th is:  Emergency Nurses Day, International Day For Natural Disaster Reduction, International Newspaper Carrier Day, International Top Spinning Day, National Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work and School Day, Naval Academy Day, S.A.V.E. (Stop America's Violence Everywhere), Stop Bullying Day, World Mental Health Day and World Porridge Day.

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Quip for the day.......Those who live by the sword.........get shot by those who don't.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------"gotcha" joke......

The art collector sees a mangy cat drinking from a priceless saucer in front of a fancy antique shop.  He sees his chance.  He goes into the shop and offers to buy the cat.  The owner says the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "I'll give you $20 for the cat."

The owner nods and takes the money.

The collector says, "Listen, for the $20, I wonder if you'd throw in that old saucer.  The cat is used to it, and it'll save me having to buy a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry, that's my lucky saucer.  I've sold 68 cats this week."

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In 1890, the Daughters of the American Revolution was founded in Washington, D.C.

In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt became the first former U.S. president to fly in an airplane during a visit to St. Louis, Missouri.

In 1968, Apollo 7, the first manned Apollo mission, was launched with astronauts Wally Schirra, Donn Fulton Eisele and R. Walter Cunningham aboard. 

In 1984, space shuttle Challenger astronaut Kathryn Sullivan became the first American woman to walk in space.

In 1992, in the first of three presidential debates, three candidates faced off against each other in St. Louis, Missouri -- President George H.W. Bush, Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton and business man Ross Perot.

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Today-----------Author Elmore Leonard is 87, Actor Earle Hyman is 86, Former U.S. Defense Secretary William Perry is 85, Actor Ron Leibman is 75, Actor Amitabh Bachchan is 70, Country singer Gene Watson is 69, R&B musician Andrew Woolfolk is 62, Actress-director Catlin Adams is 62 and Country singer Paulette Carlson is 61.

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October 11th is:  General Pulaski Memorial Day, International Day Of The Girl, National Coming Out Day, Southern Food Heritage Day, World Egg Day and World Sight Day.

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Quip for the day........Laughing stock:  Cattle with a sense of humor.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------old, still funny.......

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  You can't go there alone, I hear.  You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.  From what I understand, no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.  They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  Fortunately, I have plenty of people to help me with that.

Sometimes, I'm in Capable, and I seem to go there more often as I get older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart.  At my age I need all the stimulus I can get.

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In 1492, (according to the Old Style calendar), Christopher Columbus arrived with his expedition in the present-day Bahamas.

In 1933, bank robber John Dillinger escaped from an Ohio jail, with the help of his gang who killed the sheriff, Jess Sarber.

In 1971, the rock opera "Jesus Christ Superstar" opened at the Mark Hellinger Theatre on Broadway.

In 1997, singer John Denver was killed in the crash of his privately built aircraft in Monterey Bay; he was 52.

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Today--------Actress Antonia Rey is 85, Comedian-activist Dick Gregory is 80, Former Sen. Jake Garn, R-Utah, is 80, Singer Sam Moore (formerly of Sam and Dave) is 77, Broadcast journalist Chris Wallace is 65 and Actress-singer Susan Anton is 62.

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October 12th is:  Columbus Day (Traditional), Day Of The Six Billion, Fall Astronomy Day, Free Thought Day, International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day, National Family Bowling Day and Universal Music Day.

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Quip for the day.......The one who snores will fall asleep first.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------found this one......entitled "The Love Dress"...

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work.," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're NAKED!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my Love Dress." the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love Dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.

On the way home she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

"This is My Love Dress." She replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

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In 1775, the United States Navy had its origins as the Continental Congress ordered the construction of a naval fleet.

In 1792, the cornerstone of the executive mansion, later known as the White House, was laid during a ceremony in the District of Columbia.

In 1845, Texas voters ratified a state constitution.

In 1960, John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon held the third televised debate of their presidential campaign.  (Nixon was in Los Angeles, Kennedy in New York.)

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Today-------Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is 87, Gospel singer Shirley Caesar is 74, Actress Melinda Dillon is 73, Singer-musician Paul Simon is 71, Actress Pamela Tiffin is 70, Actor Desmond Wilson is 66, Singer-musician Sammy Hagar is 65 and Model Beverly Johnson is 60.

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October 13th is:  English Language Day, Navy Birthday, National Costume Swap Day and National Chess Day.

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Quip for the day.........You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----I did this every day........

She thought it would make her sound smart, but it didn't work out the way she hoped.

During the job interview, she mentioned to the office manager that she was a whiz at solving crossword puzzles.

The manager smiled, indulgently, and said, "That's impressive.  But we're looking for people who are smart duing office hours."

The applicant brightened.  She said, "Oh, that's when I do crossword puzzles!"

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In 1912, former President Theodore Roosevelt, campaigning for the White House as the Progressive candidate, was shot in the chest in Milwaukee by New York saloonkeeper John Schrank.  Despite the wound, Roosevelt went ahead with a scheduled speech, declaring, "It takes more than one bullet to kill a bull moose."

In 1947, Air Force test pilot Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager broke the sound barrier as he flew the experimental Bell XS-1 (later X-1) rocket plane over Murac Dry Lake in California.

In 1964, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was named winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.

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Today----Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop is 96, Actor Sir Roger Moore is 85, Country singer Melba Montgomery is 74, Fashion designer Ralph Lauren is 73, Singer Sir Cliff Richard is 72, Actor Udo Kier is 68, Singer-musician Justin Hayward is 66 and Actor Harry Anderson is 60.

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Octorber 14th is:  Clergy Appreciation Day, Be Bald and Be Free Day and National Kick Butt Day.

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Quip for the day......A pat on the back is only a few measley inches from a kick in the butt.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------labeled "true story"....

While sitting in the lobby of a nice hotel in San Diego, I observed the following:

A disheveled gentleman, apparently a denizen of the street, entered the lobby.  The desk clerk spotted him and walked over quickly.  Putting his arm around the old fellow's shoulder and turning back toward the door, the clerk said, in a kindly way, "Charlie, you know you're not supposed to come in here.  And, by the way, I haven't seen you for a while.  Where have you been?"

Charlie replied, matter of factly, "On vacation."

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In 1860, 11-year-old Grace Bedell of Westfield, N.Y., wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard.

In 1917, Dutch dance, Mata Hari, convicted of spying for the Germans, was executed by a French firing squad outside Paris.

In 1937, the Ernest Hemingway novel "To Have and Have Not" was first published by Charles Scribner's Sons.

In 1951, the classic sitcom "I Love Lucy" premiered on CBS with the episode "The Girls Want to Go to the Nightclub."

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Today------Former Auto executive Lee Iacocca is 88, Actress Linda Lavin is 75, Actress-director Penny Marshall is 69, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Jim Palmer is 67, Singer-musician Richard Carpenter is 66, Actor Victor Banerjee is 66 and Tennis player Roscoe Tanner is 61.

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October 15th is:  International Day of Rural Women, I Love Lucy Day, National Cake Decorating Day, National Grouch Day, National Latino AIDS Awareness Day, White Cane Safety Day and National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day..........I used to have a handle of life........but it broke.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oh no.........

The bachelor son invited his mother over to see his two new dogs.  He told her, "I'll make dinner, too.  We'll make an evening out of it."

When they sat down to eat, Mom noticed that the dishes were smeared and streaked.  They looked filthy.  "Have these ever been washed?" she asked.

Her son assured her, "They are as clean as soap and water can get them!"

Apprehensive, Mom filled her plate and started eating.  The food was quite good, and she said so.  She enjoyed the meal very much, in spite of the grimy plates, glasses and silverware.

Afterward, her son removed the dishes, put them on the floor, and whistled to the dogs:  "Here, Soap!  Here, Water!"

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In 1901, Booker T. Washington dined at the White House as the guest of President Theodore Roosevelt, whose invitation to the black educator sparked controversy.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy was informed by national security adviser McGeorge Bundy that reconnaissance photographs had revealed the presence of missile bases in Cuba.

In 1987, a 58 1/2 hour drama in Midland, Texas, ended happily as rescuers freed Jessica McClure, an 18-month-old girl trapped in an abandoned well.

In 2011, The Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial was formally dedicated in Washington, D.C.

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Today--------Actress Angela Lansbury is 87, Author Gunter Grass is 85, Actor-producer Tony Anthony is 75, Actor Barry Corbin is 72, Rock musician C.F. Turner (Bachman-Turner Overdrive) is 69, Actress Suzanne Somers is 66, Rock singer-musician Bob Weir is 65, Producer-director David Zucker is 65, Actor Daniel Gerroll is 61, Actor Morgan Stevens is 61 and Actress Martha Smith is 60.

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October 16th is:  Boss's Day, Department Store Day, Dictionary Day, National Feral Cat Day, National Take Your Parents To Lunch Day, Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity, World Food Day, Hagfish Day, Medical Assistants Recognition Day, National Fossil Day and Support Your Local Chamber Of Commerce.

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Quip for the day......Sign seen in a restaurant window:  "EAT NOW --- PAY WAITER"

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Larryj