another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------huh?......

The well-traveled businesswoman had just enjoyed a superb meal at a popular little Italian restaurant in Los Angeles.

She summoned the chef to pay her compliments.

"Your cuisine is as good as any in Italy itself," she told him.

He bowed and thanked her kindly.

She continued, "Frankly, your eggplant Parmesan is better than what I had in Rome last week."

The chef replied, proudly, "Well, it's no wonder.  They use domestic cheese.  We use imported!"

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In 1992, the space shuttle Endeavour blasted off, carrying with it Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space; Mae Jemison, the first black woman in space; and Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese national to fly on a U.S. spaceship.

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Today-------Actor Dickie Moore is 87, Actor Freddie Jones is 85, Country singer George Jones is 81, Actor Ian Holm is 81, Actress Linda Gray is 72, Singer Maria Muldaur is 70, Actor Joe Panteliano is 61, Singer-musician Gerry Beckley is 60 and Rock musician Neil Peart is 60.

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September 12th is:  Video Games Day.

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Quip for the day.........I can understand your anger at me, but what do you have against the horse I rode in on?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------haha........

I was walking down the sidewalk and I saw a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket next to a hot convertible.  As I watched, a beautiful woman came out of a store and confronted the cop.  She said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"

He ignored her and put the ticket under the windshield wiper.  She called him a no-neck jerk.  He glared at her, then started writing another ticket.  "Your tires are worn," he said to her.  She called him a gutless baby.  He put the second ticket on the windshield with the first, then started writing a third one.  "You have a broken tail light," he said to her.  She called him a low life worm.

This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more she abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

When he left, I went up to the woman and said, "Wow, that's a lot of tickets."

She said, "I don't care.  My car is parked around the corner."

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In 1788, the Congress of the Confederation authorized the first national election and declared New York City the temporary national capital.

In 1948, Republican Margaret Chase Smith of Maine was elected to the U.S. Senate; she became the first woman to serve in both houses of Congress.

In 1962, Mississippi Governor Ross Barnett rejected the U.S. Supreme Court's order for the University of Mississippi to admit James Meredith, a black student, declaring in a televised address, "We will not drink from the cup of genocide."

In 1970, the first New York City Marathon was held; winner Gary Muhrcke finished the 26.2-mile run, which took place entirely inside Central Park, in 2:31:38.

In 1993, at the White House, Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO chairman Yasser Arafat shook hands after signing an accord granting limited Paletinian autonomy.

In 1996, rapper Tupac Shakur died at a Las Vegas hospital six days after he was wounded in a drive-by shooting; he was 25.

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Today---------Actress Barbara Bain is 81, Actress Eileen Fulton is 79, Actor Richard Kiel is 73, Rock singer David Clayton-Thomas is 71, Singer Peter Cetera is 68, Actress Christine Estabrook is 62, Record producer Don Was is 60 and Actress Jacqueline Bisset is 68.

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September 13 is:  International Chocolate Day, Kids Take Over The Kitchen Day and National Celiac Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.......Warning?  You want a warning?  O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------uh oh.....

A motorist runs a red light and is photographed by one of those automated police cameras.  In the mail, a short time later, he receives a photo of his car committing the infraction and a citation for $60.

Instead of submitting payment of the fine, the motorist mails the police department a photograph of three 20-dollar bills.

Several days later, he gets a letter back from the police department.  Inside, he finds a photograph of a pair of handcuffs.

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In 1814, Francis Scott Key was moved to write a poem after witnessing how an American flag flying over Maryland's Fort McHenry withstood a night of British bombardment during the War of 1812; the poem, "Defence of Fort McHenry" later became the words to "The Star-Spangled Banner."

In 1861, the first naval engagement of the Civil War took place as the USS Colorado attacked and sank the Confederate private schooner, Judah, off Pensacola, Florida.

In 1901, President William McKinley died in Buffalo, NY, of gunshot wounds inflicted by an assassin.  Vice President Theodore Roosevelt succeeded him.

In 1982, Princess Grace of Monaco, formerly actress Grace Kelly, died at age 52 of injuries from a car crash the day before.

In 1986, President Ronald Reagan and his wife, Nancy, appeared together on radio and television to appeal for a "national crusade" against drug abuse.

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Today----Actress Zoe Caldwell is 79, Feminist author Kate Millet is 78, Actor Walter Koenig is 76, Basketball Hall-of-Fame coach Larry Brown is 72, Singer-actress Joey Heatherton is 68, Actor Sam Neill is 65, Singer Jon "Bowzer" Bauman is 65 and Rock musician Ed King is 63.

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September 14th is:  National Kreme Filled Donut Day and Stand Up To Cancer Day.

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Quip for the day........Never insult a police officer while they are doing a body cavity search.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------right on.....

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

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In 1776, British forces occupied New York City during the American Revolution.

In 1862, Cofederate forces captured Harpers Ferry during the Civil War.

In 1887, the city of Philadelphia launched a three-day celebration of the 100th anniversary of the Constitution of the United States.

In 1950, during the Korean conflict, United Nations forces landed at Inchon in the south and began their drive toward Seoul.

In 1963, four black girls were killed when a bomb went off during Sunday services at the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama.  (Three Ku Klux Klansmen were eventually covicted for their roles in the blast.)

In 1972, a federal grand jury in Washington indicted seven men in connection with the Watergate break-in.

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Today-----Actor Forrest Compton is 87, Comedian Norm Crosby is 85, Actor Henry Darrow is 79, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Gaylord Perry is 74, Opera singer Jessye Norman is 67, Writer-director Ron Shelton is 67, Movie director Oliver Stone is 66, Rock musician Kelly keagy (Night Ranger) is 60 and Actor Tommy Lee Jones is 66.

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September 15th is:  Big Whopper Liar Day, Google.com Day, Greenpeace Day, International Day of Democracy, International Dot Day, Boys' and Girls' Club Day For Kids, International Eat An Apple Day, International Coastal Cleanup Day, Puppy Mill Awareness Day and Rsponsible Dog Ownership Day.

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Quip for the day.........You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------old, but still funny.........

The elderly lady carefully navigated her Mercedes Benz toward the one remaining parking spot at a fashionable shopping mall.  But a young woman in a sports car came out of nowhere and zipped into the spot, cutting her off.

She rolled down her window and yelled at the girl, "That's just rude.  Why did you do that?"

The young woman, getting out of her car, shouted cheerfully, "It's what you can do when you're young and fast!"

The old lady, furious, backed up her car, then plowed it into the young woman's car with great force, causing extensive damage.

The young woman, shocked, cried out, "Why did you do that?!"

The old lady replied, "It's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

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In 1857, the song "Jingle Bells" by James Pierpont was copyrighted by its original title, "One Horse Open Sleigh."  (The song, a Christmastime perennial, was actually written by Pierpont for Thanksgiving.)

In 1908, General Motors was founded in Flint, Michigan, by William C. Durant.

In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the Selective Training and Service Act.

In 1972, "The Bob Newhart Show" premiered on CBS.

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Today-----Actress Janis Paige is 90, Actress Lauren Bacall is 88, Clergyman-author Rev. Robert H. Schuller is 86, Actor George Chakiris is 80, Actress Linda Miller is 70, Actress Susan Ruttan is 64, Rock musician Ron Blair is 64, Actor Ed Begley Jr. is 63, Country singer David Bellamy is 62 and Blues singer B.B. King is 87.

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September 16th is:  Anne Bradstreet Day, International Day For The Preservation Of The Ozone Layer, Mayflower Day, Stay Away From Seattle Day, Stepfamily Day, Trail Of Tears Commemoration Day and Wife Appreciation Day.

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Quip for the day........Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oops.....

A career salesman finally was able to retire, move to Wyoming, and start the cattle ranch of his dreams.

One day, he was showing it off to a visiting former colleague.

"This is fantastic," the friend said.  "Imagine you with your own ranch!  Have you given it a name yet?"

"Well, that was a tough one," the neophyte rancher said.  "I couldn't decide between several choices, so I ended up calling it the Lazy R Double Diamond Crooked W Rocking H Flying U Ranch."

"Wow, and how many heads of cattle do you own?" the friend asked.

The rancher replied, "Unfortunately, the cows all died.  They didn't survive the branding."

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In 1787, the Constitution of the United States was completed and signed by a majority of delegates attending the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia.

In 1862, more than 3,600 men were killed, many more wounded, captured or left missing, in the Civil War Battle of Antietam in Maryland; although the battle itself proved inconclusive, it effectively halted the Confederates' advance into Maryland.

In 1962, U.S. space officials announced the selection of nine new astronauts, including Neil A. Armstrong, who became the first man to step onto the moon.

In 1986, the Senate confirmed the nomination of William H. Rehnquist to become the 16th chief justice of the United States.

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Today----Actor David Huddleston is 82, Retired Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter is 73, Marine Gen. Anthony Zinni (ret.) is 69, Actress Cassandra Peterson ("Elvira, Mistress of the Dark") is 61 and Basketball Hall-of-Fame coach Phil Jackson is 67.

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September 17th is:  Citizenship Day, Constitution Day, Rosh Hashana, Time's Up Day and VFW Ladies Auxillary Day.

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Quip for the day...........Marriage is a relationship where one is always right and the other is the husband.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------late, Dr. appointment, grandchildren, excuses, excuses.......

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.  Their conversation is interrupted constantly by acquaintances who approach the doctor, describe various ailments, and ask him for free medical advice.

Finally, the exasperated doctor says to the lawyer, "What do you do when people ask you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor is taken aback.  "Really?" he says.

But he thinks about it.  The next day he prepares bills for everyone at the party who asked him for advice.  Still feeling a little guilty, he takes his bills to his mailbox.

When he opens it, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

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In 1793, President George Washington laid the cornerstone of the U.S. Capitol.

In 1850, Congress passed the Fugitive Slave Act, which created a force of federal commissioners charged with returning escaped slaves to their owners.

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a commission naming Rabbi Jacob Frankel of Rodeph Shalom Congregation in Philadelphia the first Jewish Chaplain of the U.S. Army.

In 1927, the Columbia Phonograph Broadcasting System (later CBS) made its on-air debut with a basic network of 16 radio stations.

In 1947, the National Security Act, which created a National Military Establishment, went into effect.

In 1961, United Nations Secretary-General Dag Hammarskjold was killed in a plane crash in northern Rhodesia.

In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.

In 1975, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was captured by the FBI in San Francisco, 19 months after being kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

In 1990, the city of Atlanta was named the site of the 1996 Summer Olympics.

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Today------Singer Jimmie Rodgers is 79, Actor Robert Blake is 79, Actor Fred Willard is 73, Singer Frankie Avalon is 72 and Basketball coach Rick Pitino is 60.

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September 18th is:  Air Force Birthday, Chiropractic Founders Day, Hug A Greeting Card Writer Day, National Cheeseburger Day, National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day, National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day, National Respect Day and World Water Monitoring Day.

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Quip for the day.........Do you ever wonder what the other 312,780,968 + people in America are doing right this very minute?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----yep...........

It had been a bad year for the businessman.  He had suffered through a number of financial reversals, and also several bouts of bad health.

In fact, his health had deteriorated to the point where he now was on his deathbed.  He called his business partner and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"Of course," his friend said.  "And what would you like me to do with the ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and send them to the Internal Revenue Service.  Include a note that says:  Now you have everything."

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In 1881, the 20th president of the United States, James A. Garfield, died 2 1/2 months after being shot by Charles Guiteau; Chester Alan Arthur became president.

In 1934, Bruno Hauptmann was arrested in New York and charged with the kidnap-murder of Charles A. Lindbergh Jr.

In 1957, the United States conducted its first contained underground nuclear test, code-named "Rainier," in the Nevada desert.

In 1962, the Western TV series "The Virginian" debuted on NBC.

In 1970, the situation comedy "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" debuted on CBS-TV.

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Today-------TV host James Lipton is 86, Actress Rosemary Harris is 85, Actor David McCallum is 79, Singer-songwriter Paul Williams is 72, Singer Bill Medley is 72, Actor Randolph Mantooth is 67, Former NFL running back Larry Brown is 65, Actor Jeremy Irons is 64, Actress Twiggy Lawson is 63, TV personality Joan Lunden is 62, Actor Scott Colomby is 60 and Musician-producer Nile Rodgers is 60.

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September 19th is: National Women Road Warrior Day and Talk Like A Pirate Day.

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Quip for the day......Someday we will look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----doesn't say blonde joke, but.......

Well, it was her first car.  Maybe that's the explanation.

She had no trouble with it during the day.  It performed perfectly.

At night, however, it wouldn't move.  It would start up just fine, but it wouldn't budge an inch.

Finally, after a week of frustration, she drove it to the dealer and complained.  A technician checked it out and found nothing wrong with it.  He asked her, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

She said, impatiently, "Of course I am using the right gears.  I use D during the day and N at night.

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In 1958, Martin Luther King Jr. was seriously wounded during a book signing at a New York City department store when Izola Curry stabbed him in the chest.  (Curry was later found mentally incompetent.)

In 1962, James Meredith, a black student, was blocked from enrolling at the University of Mississippi by Democratic Gov. Ross R. Barnett.  (Meredith was later admitted.)

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Today------Singer Gogi Grant is 88, Actress-comedian Anne Meara is 83, Actress Sophia Loren is 78, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Taylor is 77, Rock musician  Chuck Panozzo is 65, Actor Tony Denison is 63, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Guy LaFleur is 61 and Actress Debbi Morgan is 61.

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September 20th is:  National Punch Day, First Railroad Station opened and National Farm Safety Day.

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Quip for the day........If practice makes perfect and nobody is perfect..........why practice?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah......

The elderly spinster died and left a long letter of instructions for her memorial service.

The funeral director read it with great interest.  One paragraph in particular caught his eye.

It read:

"No male pallbearers, please, under any circumstances.  They wouldn't take me out when I was alive, so they shouldn't be allowed to take me out now!"

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In 1897, the New York Sun ran its famous editorial, written anonymously by Francis P. Church, which declared, "Yes, Virginia, the is a Santa Claus."

In 1912, magician Harry Houdini first publicly performed his so-called "Chinese Water Torture Cell" trick at the Circus Busch in Berlin, escaping after being immersed upside-down in a vertical water tank, his ankles secured in a set of stocks which made up the tank lid, which was locked into place.

In 1912, legendary cartoon animator Chuck Jones was born in Spokane, Washington.

In 1937, "The Hobbit," by J.R.R. Tolkien, was first published.

In 1970, "NFL Monday Night Football" made its debut on ABC-TV.  The Cleveland Browns defeated the visiting New York Jets, 31-21.

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Today-------Actor Larry Hagman is 81, Poet-songwriter Leonard Cohen is 78, Author-comedian Fannie Flagg is 71, Producer Jerry Bruckheimer is 69, Musician Don Felder is 65, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Artis Gilmore is 63 and Author Stephen King is 65.

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September 21st is:  National POW/MIA Recognition Day and World's Alzheimer's Day.

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Quip for the day.......Sometimes I wake up grumpy in the morning; other times I let her sleep in.

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Larryj